Forgiven (30 page)

I took the bottle with me to my bedroom. If I was going to drink myself into oblivion, I might as well be in bed when I passed out.

I hear someone calling my name, but I can’t figure out where it‘s coming from. “Caleb, Caleb.”

I keep looking around, but there is nothing there. I slowly walk towards the sound of the voice. Suddenly Angie appears in front of me, kneeling.

“Please Caleb, please don’t do this to us,” she cries. “I love you.”

I reach for her, and the image shifts to another as she falls limp into my arms. “I’m sorry,” she whispers before closing her eyes forever.

“Fuck,” I swore, shooting up out of bed. The nightmares never penetrated my alcohol-induced coma before.

I was covered in sweat. Smelling the Jack Daniels on my skin, seeping from my pores, I couldn’t catch my breath. Even in my dreams, it killed me to see her beg. I looked at the clock—four in the morning—still a few hours before I had to get up for class. I decided to try and go back to sleep, hoping the nightmares wouldn’t find me again.

The next thing I knew, my alarm was going off. I got up and showered without actually paying attention to what I was doing. My first class was with Angie but I wasn’t sure if I could face her again. When I walked out to the kitchen, Josh was already dressed, and eating a bowl of cereal.

He looked up at me. “You dreamt about her again last night, didn’t you?”

I didn’t want to think about the dream, much less talk about it, so I nodded my head.

“I heard you calling out her name in your sleep. Just talk to her,” he encouraged.

“No,” I stated abruptly, making it clear that the conversation was over.

I continued about my business doing my best to ignore Josh. No matter how many times I explained that there was no way to fix this, he just didn’t understand. I grabbed my bag to leave for class when Josh came up behind me. “Hey, my car’s acting funny again. Think you could give me a ride?”

I shrugged. “Whatever.”

We got in my car and didn’t talk the whole way to campus. I knew our routine when his car wasn’t working—I would head to class while he hung out in the library, waiting for his classes later in the afternoon. Then I’d pick him up afterwards and we’d head to workout. So it surprised me when he followed me to my class. When I got closer to the building, I saw Emily waiting out front.

She walked up to me and stopped right in my path. Before either of us said a word, the palm of her hand crashed across my cheek, knocking my head sideways.

“You,” she screamed, “Are a fucking asshole!”

Luckily Josh had followed me. Hang on, maybe not lucky…maybe he knew this would happen. He grabbed Emily around the waist and dragged her backwards. She twisted and squirmed in his arms, trying to get away.

“You promised her,” she screamed, continuing to fight against Josh, but he was much stronger. “She trusted you not to break her heart.”

“EM, STOP!” Josh yelled. Her body sagged against his and her shoulders began to shake. She was crying.

“She loves you. She’s never let anyone in before and you ruined it. Hasn’t she been through enough?” she cried.

Josh glared at me. “Come on, Em. Let’s go,” he said, walking away with Emily in his arms.

I went to class, and it broke my heart all over again to see her seat empty.

I went to my afternoon class in the same haze I’d spent the last two days in. When I walked into the room, I was surprised to see Josh sitting in the seat next to mine. I wasn’t sure if I could handle talking to him right now, but what choice did I have? I couldn’t ignore him if he was sitting right next to me.

He watched me walk through the room to my seat. After I sat down he turned to me. “Hey Angie.”

I was determined to hold the tears at bay, so it was a few seconds before I answered him back. “Hey, Josh.”

“I wanted to talk to you before class started,” he said with a sad smile.

“If you want to talk about him, please don’t. I can’t handle it right now.” I could barely see him through my tears.

He grabbed my hand. “Please don’t cry. I do want to talk about Caleb, and I think it’s something you need to hear.”

As I wiped the tears from my face, I knew there was no way I was getting out of this conversation. Whatever Josh wanted to say, he was going to find a way to say it. And I knew Josh well enough to know he always got his way when he set his mind to something.

“If I promise to listen to you after class, can we hold this conversation until then? So I can try to avoid crying through class?” I bargained.

“I’m okay with that,” he said, turning toward the front of the room as the professor walked in.

I didn’t want to talk to Josh. I’d barely survived my morning classes in one piece. Seeing Nick was hard enough, but Josh was a whole different story. And now he wanted me to talk about
him
. I just didn’t think I had any more in me today. Unfortunately, class was over before I knew it. Josh waited for me to collect my stuff, and we walked out the door and into the fresh air. He guided me over to one of the benches.

I turned to him, my apprehension evident on my face. “Please just make this quick so I can go wallow in my own misery,” I begged.

“Angie, I know you don’t want to talk about him,” he said taking my hand in his. I looked away trying to control my emotions. “But there are things I think you need to know.” He squeezed my hand trying to give me the strength to hear what he had to say. “Caleb didn’t leave because he doesn’t love you. He left because he
does
love you, but doesn’t think you’ll be able to accept him once you find out what he’s been hiding.” My eyes moved up to his.

“Josh, please don’t try and make me feel better by telling me lies.” I moved to get up when he grasped my arm and tugged me back down onto the bench.

“I’m not lying to you. I’ve never seen Caleb this miserable. He’s drank himself to the point of passing out the last two nights.” He covered my hand with his. “Angie, he told me what happened two years ago.”

I gasped. I kept waiting for him to trust me enough to share his secret, but he always kept me at a distance. “So he trusted you with his deepest secret, but not me? And I’m supposed to believe that he loves me.” I said, my eyes downcast.

“I know it’s hard to believe, but he was afraid that if he told you, you’d run.” He placed his fingers under my chin and lifted my face to his. “Angie, I know what happened with your father.” He looked away for a moment before looking back, sympathy in his eyes. “He could barely talk about it with our getting upset. He doesn’t want to see you hurt.”

“But,
he
hurt me.” I cried, my pain evident in my tone.

“I know he did,” he squeezed my hand again. “But I think you can fix it. He loves you.” He laid his other on top of our joined ones offering comfort and reassurance.

“What should I do?” I asked. I wasn’t sure I believed him, but I was willing to listen.

“I think you need to face him. I want you to come over tonight. I’ll stay home so he can’t leave—that should force him to listen to you.” Josh sniggered, something that I felt was entirely inappropriate. He looked at me and held up one finger, gesturing for me to wait while he calmed himself. “I’d suggest using Caleb’s own tactics,” Josh began. My confusion must have been evident on my face because he quickly continued. “But I doubt you could throw him over your shoulder and lock him in his room until he gave you a chance,” he finished. My eyes met Josh’s and I gave a weak smile. I loved that he wanted to make all of this better for me…I just wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to face Caleb just yet.

He looked at me encouragingly, “Maybe you can get him to tell you what happened? If he does, I think you’ll understand why he did what he did.”

“Why won’t you tell me?” I asked curiously.

He shrugged. “It’s not my story to tell.”

“That’s exactly what he would say.” I shook my head, knowing this wouldn’t work. “He’s not going to listen to me.”

Josh squeezed my hand. “You love him, right?” I nodded.

“Then just try. What have you got to lose?” he asked.

I realized what he was trying to tell me. I’d already lost Caleb, so what was the worst that could happen? But if everything Josh said was true, maybe—just maybe—there might be a chance I could get him to come back to me.

“Why are you telling me all of this?” I searched his eyes, hoping for the truth.

“Because I can’t stand to see either one of you like this,” he said sadly. “Will you do it?” he asked hopefully. I thought about it for a moment. Was Caleb worth the risk of possibly getting hurt again? Yeah, he was.

“Yes.” I nodded, although I was nervous about the idea of facing Caleb after what had happened on Sunday.

I got up to leave, but Josh’s voice stopped me. “Angie.” I looked down at him. “When you get to the apartment, just come in. I’ll leave the door unlocked.” He shifted in his seat. He seemed uncomfortable with what he was suggesting, but he did it anyway. “That way he won’t have a chance to try and avoid you.” He stood up to look me in the eyes. “Remember we have workout tonight, so we should be home around quarter to six.”

I nodded and walked to my car. Now all I had to do was figure out what to say to Caleb to get him to open up to me.

Workout went quickly. Thankfully we were in the weight room, so I was able to take out my aggression and emotions out on the bag. Nick kept shooting me nasty looks like he wanted to kick my ass and the sad part is, I probably would have let him. Josh, on the other hand, was acting strange. He was probably still pissed about what happened with Emily that morning.

It ripped my heart out to see Emily cry for the hurt I’d caused Angie. If Emily was that upset, I didn’t dare imagine what Angie was like. There was no way I was going to sleep without a shit ton of booze tonight.

“Josh, let’s go,” I yelled irritably.

“Relax, I’m coming. What’s your problem anyway? You’re just going back to the apartment to drown yourself in a bottle,” he reminded me.

“That’s exactly why I want to get the fuck out of here,” I snarled.

We walked out to the car and made the short drive back to the apartment. Josh jumped out and headed into the apartment before I’d even got the key out of the ignition. Screw him, I thought. I’m the one who lost everything, not him. He didn’t lose the love of his life. He was still hooking up with girls at every party, never caring who he hurt. But I
did
care. I’d hurt Angie, and it was something I had to live with. He had no right to be pissed at me. That’s it, I was going to let him have it, I had enough shit to deal with without him adding to it.

I walked into the dark apartment—the asshole hadn’t even turned on the fucking lights. I was too pissed to stop and find the light switch. Slamming the door, I started to head for the hallway when I tripped on something. The lights flicked on, and at the same time I felt something cool touch the skin of my neck. I looked down to see Josh lying in a heap on the floor, blood oozing from a cut at his temple.

I slowly turned around and came face to face with Bryan. It was then that I realized that the cool sensation I was feeling against my neck was actually the feel of steel against my skin—Bryan had a knife to my throat. As I looked into his eyes, I knew he’d come to seek retribution. I’d killed his sister, and it didn’t matter to him that it was an accident. In his mind, I hadn’t paid for my crime so he felt it was his job to get revenge for the life of his sister.