Forever Is Over (50 page)

They were the last words spoken on the
“
Sunny Road
”
that morning.

I could have said,

“
What if someone sees us?
”
or

“
There
’
s something I need to tell you first,
”
but I held those words
back.

At first, we just hugged. Long,
meaningful hugs. Then we kissed,
slowly and passionately. When I felt ready, I undid the button on my
jeans and as I undid Kelly
’
s, she pulled keenly on my top and then
slipped my jeans off. The undressing process was like the kisses, slow
and tender. Pyjamas are easy to take off at the height of passion! I did
fluff my lines a little when I failed to unclasp Kelly
’
s bra after three or
four attempts, but silently and methodically, Kelly took the lead and
slipped her bra off as though it was as easy as flicking a switch. Kelly
’
s
breasts were wonderfully pretty and she rested her head back on the
grass as I caressed them. Then, as the silence was broken by soft moans,
I headed downwards.

I know this is a soppy confession and not in the least bit masculine,
but when my tongue ventured inside of Kelly
’
s body I had tears in my
eyes. Everything about Kelly whispered perfection and I felt humbled
that she loved me enough to allow me to be the first. Sensing my tongue
could not maintain its involvement without other areas calling a halt
to proceedings, Kelly guided me upwards and I held her face in my
hands and caressed her soft, wet lips as I lay on top of her. With a little
guidance, our two bodies became one.

I would love to say that with our bodies entwined, I thrust deeply
into Kelly, time after time, providing her with wave after wave of
orgasmic pleasure, as she wept tears of joy, but life is not like that. I
did, however, manage to bite into my bottom lip long enough and hard
enough to last for a couple of minutes, before being overcome by a series
of shakes that McDonalds or Elvis Presley would have been proud of.

             
As we dressed in the spring sunshine, we exchanged smiles, with
Kelly being the first to speak as we held hands on our walk back
home.

“
I told you it would be perfect!
”
was all she said.

Kelly

Adapting to life as a murderer is not easy. Every knock at the door,
every telephone call and every tap on the shoulder generates a feeling
of impending doom. For several weeks, I could see no way forward
other than confessing to the police and serving the time that my actions
warranted. The only two people who
were aware of my guilt, Jemma
and Richie, both argued that a confession would be nonsensical. My
mother was dead, I had only acted instinctively to defend Jemma and
there was no intention for my actions to result in her death. Time is
a healer though and the urge to confess, although never completely
disappearing, diminished by the day.

The fact that Jemma and I contin
ued to live in the house where
Mum died, did not aid my emotional recovery. The staircase was a
constant reminder of that fateful nig
ht and every room brought back
memories of my mother. I pleaded with Jemma to join me in looking
for somewhere else to live, but although she was extremely sympathetic,
Jemma explained that we had re-negotiated the tenancy agreement
with Mr. Bukhari after Mum
’
s death and we had to stay there for six
months, after which we could move on. If we didn
’
t stay for six months,
future landlords would not look upon us favourably. I understood, but
understanding and liking something can be world
’
s apart, so I ended
up spending as little time as possible in that house and every possible
moment I could with Richie.

I had become totally besotted with Richie Billingham. In a sea of
uncertainty, I saw Richie as my life raft. Richie had a tendency to worry about minor things, but when it came to the major ones, inexplicably he
had an aura of calmness. Despite knowing exactly what had happened
to my mother, in those first few difficult weeks, it appeared his love for
me was unfaltering. We were both totally convinced that we would be
together forever, that Richie would father my children and our love
would never die. The morning after Mum
’
s death, we made love in the
fields on the
“
Sunny Road
”
. It was my first time, our first time and it
was gentle and delightful. In the days that followed, as spring headed
towards summer and the daylight hours lasted longer, the
“
Sunny
Road
”
became our sanctuary and we would spend hour after hour there,
talking, hugging, laughing, crying and making love.

Something deep within me should have warned me that it was not
going to last. When Richie and I first started dating, I was struck by
his unwavering faith in our ability to stay together. Having been raised
in a world of negativity and pessimism, I
found it difficult to buy into
this world of fairytale endings. At that stage, Richie was convinced
we would stay together, whilst I thou
ght at some stage things would
change. If I
’
m honest, I thought his love for me would die. The more
time I spent with Richie though, the more I found his faith in our
collective destiny was warranted and I too found myself believing, or
being convinced, that we belonged together.

I don
’
t remember the exact moment things changed, it wasn
’
t a
gradual process, it was a quickfire one, but around a month after Mum
died, all of a sudden, Richie
’
s behaviour changed. We did not row, we
did not bicker, there was no defining moment that seemed to signal
the end, Richie just changed. It was like someone
else had taken over
his body and we suddenly became strangers. It would be wrong of me
to say he went cold on me, but without a shadow of a doubt, the full
on, passionate, all consuming relationship that we had became less
intense.

Relationships to some degree are about life patterns. If your
boyfriend buys you flowers every Saturday, then one Saturday he arrives
at your house without them, it is only natural to wonder why. If, like in
my relationship with Richie, he wants to spend every spare minute with
you, then all of a sudden he wants to spend his spare moments alone, its
only natural to question why things have changed.

Spare moments alone were not the only sign, our trips to the
“
Sunny
Road
”
were suddenly avoided and the times we did spend together were
less tender, some nights were totally passion free with just a peck on
the cheek at the end of the evening. We had been so close for so long,
there was no way I wasn
’
t going to question Richie about the changes
in his attitude. I took his hand in mine one evening at his Mum
’
s and came right out with it,

“
What
’
s going on, Richie?
”

Richie immediately wriggled out of my grasp, his body language
contradicted his response.

“
What do you mean,
‘
what
’
s going on?
’
Nothing is going on!
”

“
Richie, you
’
ve changed. You just don
’
t seem to feel that same way
about me that you used to.
”

“
I haven
’
t changed!
”

“
Don
’
t deny it, Richie. I was the one who used to say that this
might not last forever and you were the one that was offended by that
statement. Now though, when I want to see you in the evening, you
often say you are stopping in. When I go to kiss you, you turn your head.
It
’
s like you feel guilty about something. Do you feel guilty because you
don
’
t love me any more?
”

Richie hugged me. A genuine hug, not a token one. He looked hurt
that I had said this.

“
Kelly, I love you as much as I have ever loved you. If not more.
”

             
“
What
’
s changed then? Is it any
thing to do with what happened
to Mum?
”

Richie shook his head.

“
Kelly, your Mum dying did not change how I felt about you one bit.
”
“
Then why the change of attitude?
”

“
I
’
ve just got a lot on mind, Kelly. I thought I was hiding it from
you, but obviously I was not making a very good job of it.
”

“
Richie, you aren
’
t the only one with things on their mind, you
know! I
’
m still petrified that the police will send me to jail, but that
hasn
’
t changed how I treat you. What is it on your mind that has you
acting so differently?
”

Richie audibly gulped.

“
I just haven
’
t wanted to burden you with it, with everything you
have on your plate, right now.
”

“
Tell me.
”

“
It
’
s just
……
.it
’
s just that I
’
m scared that I
…
.
”

Richie could not get his words out. I could tell he was on the verge
of something major. He seemed like he was going to break down in tears
and confess something to me, something incredibly important. Richie
then took a deep breath and after he did that his composure returned. I
am 100% sure, what he eventually said was not what he had originally
planned to say.

“
It
’
s just that I
’
m scared that you might move to your grandmother
’
s.
I can
’
t drive. How would our relationship cope if I was in Ormskirk and
you were on the Wirral?
”

This was drivel. I did not believe him.

“
And that
’
s why you
’
ve been acting so strange?
”

“
Yes
…
.
”

Poppycock!

“
I didn
’
t realise I had been acting strange, but I guess so. Maybe
I
’
ve been inadvertently trying to prevent myself getting too used to
seeing you all the time, because if you move to the Wirral, I won
’
t get
to see you every day.
”

It didn
’
t seem too much of an issue to me. It was a
forty minute train journey away. I started to think perhaps this was the
real issue after all. Richie did sometimes worry about inconsequential
things, maybe this was a big deal to him. I took his hands again.