Fore! Play (10 page)

On display is the HP-568 Lux I massage chair for golfers, which did feel damned good after two days of walking the merchandise
show. And the Golf-Doc first aid kit, with big bandages in it! Not since my friend was smacked by a windmill blade on the
miniature golf course have I seen a need for bandages on a golf course.

Out in the hallway, where booth space is cheaper, there is a man hanging—all day long—by both arms from what appears to be
a swing set or medieval torture device. He is smiling, however, because he wants others to think he is enjoying himself and
to buy his Soft Stretch machine that stretches out golfers in just the right way and makes them feel better.

Pain Relief (physical): -3 strokes

Cosmetology comes into play. You need sun protection, of course, but not just any sun protection, special sun protection formulated
especially for golfers, like “Claro skin-care especially for golfers” that is nongreasy and sweatproof. When golf clubs fly
out of your hands, it should be on purpose, in anger.

Titanium is a magic word in the golf kingdom these days and there’s even a titanium golfer’s sunblock called Golfstik. I wonder
if you look like the Tin Man after application.

“If you don’t think sun protection will improve your game, just try playing with a really bad sunburn sometime, buster,” says
Valerie from behind the Claro counter.

Golf Sunscreen: -3 strokes

“If you look good, you play good,” says the golf clothing salesman. “It goes without saying. It’s all about confidence.”

The days of those hideous pink and green plaid golf pants for men are, unfortunately, over. It’s the one aspect of the game
I truly enjoyed.

Today’s golfer looks like Al Gore running for President, after consultants told him he looked too Washingtonian and he began
wearing casual earth-toned polo shirts (Excuse me, is that the new Polo goose crap green you’re wearing?). When Gore wears
them, they too look dull, by association. Like dress-down Fridays at the funeral home.

So these guys tell me I must spend scads of money on top-of-the-line, drab golf wear. But should I? Is there anything worse
than looking like a pro and playing like … me? And where to begin? All pro golfers seem to have their own lines on display
at the show: Ben Crenshaw, Greg Norman, Jack Nicklaus, the noted golfer Tommy Hilfiger, Leon Levin (should I know him or is
he Tiger Woods’s CPA?), Fuzzy Zoeller. Bobby Jones has a line but I don’t want to look like him … dead. There is also a line
of nice golf clothes called Divots for some reason, which might be just the thing for me.

Sharp (i.e., Dull) Clothes: -1 stroke

“The hat you wear
will
make a difference in your golf game,” suggests the Tilley Hat salesman.

While the new Miracle Visor at the show is “headache free,” “windproof,” and “dishwasher safe,” and the Greg Norman and Crocodile
Dundee hats are enticing, we like best the extraordinary sales pitch for the Tilley Hat. It’s worn, we’re told, by elephant
trainer Michael Hacken-berger, of the Bowmanville Zoo in Ontario, who has had his Tilley eaten and thoroughly digested by
an elephant three times. He has retrieved it, back there in the back, each time and still wears it. “That ought to tell you
something!” says the enthusiastic pitchman. Like: never stand downwind from Michael Hackenberger.

Hat: −1 stroke

We didn’t see any golf
pills
at the show, something I had seen at an infomercial convention in Vegas. Yes, there was a claim that taking a pill made you
a better golfer. However, we did find at the PGA show Hole-In-One-Bars, snack treats sporting three power-packed herbs: ginseng,
ginkgo, and guarana—the ginseng presumably for more energy to drive the ball; the ginkgo perhaps to give you the mental acuity
to cheat wisely; and the guarana to … uh … replenish the body’s crying need for guarana after golfing? The bars come in lemon
crisp, banana zinger, chocolate crunch, and the new peanut butter chocolate, and are also available in baseball, basketball,
football, soccer, and tennis wrappers.

Will this bar make me hit a hole-in-one? And can I eat eighteen in one day? “We cannot totally guarantee immediate holes-in-ones,
but it should improve your game,” says the sales rep.

Wash it down with Gatorade, according to folks at that booth, and your scores will plummet. Not to mention what will happen
if you drop in a couple of LiFizz effervescent vitamin tablets, official vitamins of the PGA Tour.

There is even a booth pushing human growth hormone spray, or “biogevity” spray, for better golf, not to mention enhanced “athletic
performance, energy, cardiovascular functions, cholesterol levels, sexual function, musculature, weight management, injury/surgery
healing, and feelings and vigor of youth.” The mouth spray is touted as cheaper and less painful than human growth hormone
injections and can be carried in your pocket or golf bag. More socially acceptable than shooting up on the first tee, too.

There are special golfers’ chocolates and golfers’ peanuts that have unspecified benefits. Maybe they’re titanium peanuts.

Hole-In-One-Bars washed down with Gatorade spiked with official PGA Tour vitamins and a spritz of human growth hormone: -5
strokes

And finally there is the power of prayer. At the Fellowship of Christian Athletes Golf Ministry (“impacting the world for
Christ through golf”) booth, a representative reminds us that God is all powerful and could definitely help our golf games
if He or She so chooses.

But there are famines, wars, pestilence, floods, and so forth that could distract Him or Her from lending a hand with our
putting. And we reminded ourselves that He or She just might decide to adversely affect our games, too, especially when we’re
playing on Sunday mornings when we’re supposed to be worshiping Him or Her.

God: −2 strokes (tough to figure, but we think the Omnipotent One oughta be good for 2 strokes—providing we don’t yell “Goddamnit!”
or “Why God, Why?” after every shank, hook, slice, sand trap, or flubbed putt, for chrissake)

So, let’s see, that works out to a grand total of:

−59 strokes (if you forgo the Caddy Girls and club alarms). And we still haven’t deducted a massive number of strokes for
space age golf clubs and high-tech balls.

I still won’t break 80, but it’s a start … on one man’s journey to a glimmer of respectability.

M
aybe if I watch Tiger Woods on TV, and imitate him. Golfers do, you know. I’ve seen them watching golf on TV and swinging
their clubs along with him right there in the family room. Just like their wives do to Richard Simmons’s
Sweatin’ to the Oldies
tapes. The golfers break stuff, sometimes, lamps and things, but it’s for a good cause.

It’s a perfect summer Sunday, 80 degrees, sunny and dry with just a wisp of a breeze. I know that only by way of the Weather
Channel, because I’m sitting indoors all afternoon watching golf on television as are 20 million other Americans. Have we
no
lives?

The telecast is sponsored by the good (solid) people at Viagra, which is a complete waste of money unless they can make the
pitch to all these golf zombies that they might be able to use their new erections for putting. Their wives would have to
dress up in Astroturf and lie down like a green to get any action from this crowd. And even then, I wouldn’t bet on it, wouldn’t
take the flag stick out.

Tiger Woods is on! He’s battling at Valhalla in Louisville for the PGA Championship, which he won the year before, and will
of course win this time as everybody watching already knows. It’s worse than the World Wrestling Federation, where the underdog
occasionally wins to maintain the suspense. Not here, not in professional golf, not since Tiger arrived.

I grab one of my wife’s irons and watch. But Tiger’s game is difficult to relate to. These touring professionals aren’t really
playing the same game as you and I. Their shots look a lot different and there seem to be far fewer of them. And where are
the mulligans? The gimmees? How can they
play
like this?