For Her Son's Sake (13 page)

“What are you thinking?” she asked. “Talk to me.” She was smart and ballsy when it came to love. She went after things that he would have been afraid to.

“What if we’re wrong, Emma? What if this is just about us seeing our other family members falling in love and fearing that we’ll be the ones who are left all alone?” he asked.

“It’s not.”

“How do you know?” he asked her. “Give me something so I know this is real.”

She bit her lower lip and shook her head. “I can’t. I can’t do what you’re asking me to. Because if I took that risk...there’s too much to lose.”

He realized then that she didn’t want to change, either. He wanted to be mad at her but really if he was unwilling to take the risk why should she?

“I guess that’s the truth then. We are both too afraid to change,” he said.

“Not at all. I’m afraid to say I care for you because I don’t know if you’re still bent on revenge.”

Her words hurt and made him realize that she hadn’t seen the real man. Or even worse, maybe she had. Had he become a man who’d been focused on vengeance for so long that he didn’t know how to have any other kind of emotion? He simply didn’t know anymore. Apparently, she still saw him as the man she’d always known. The one who had grown up in Thomas Montrose’s shadow.

“Then there is nothing else to say. Because I have shown you I’m not the kind of person who’d do something like that.”

She crossed her arms over her chest. “You haven’t shown me that at all. I need some sign from you, Kell. Is that too much to ask?”

Thirteen

E
mma wanted to take the risk—tell him she loved him and hope that the gamble paid off. But she was too afraid. The words were there in her mind and she knew all she had to do was speak them. But she couldn’t.

She’d loved and lost once and though she’d thought she’d recovered enough to love again, it was now painfully obvious that she hadn’t. The fault was hers and she couldn’t blame him. He deserved a woman who could love him with all of who she was.

Not a woman who’d hedge her bets by letting herself get emotionally involved with a man she couldn’t really commit to.

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too,” he said.

She walked over to him and ran her hands over the stubble on his cheeks and then went up on tiptoe and kissed him. This time was different than every other kiss they’d shared because this time...well, this time she knew it would be the last.

Kell pulled back and looked down at her with that silvery-gray gaze of his and it was icy once again. He was back to the man she’d always known and a part of her wept deep inside but she kept her facade in place.

“I guess this is it,” he said.

She’d always thought they’d end in a big fight with more passion and fire than this. But instead it felt as if two people putting down the shutters and locking themselves away. Trying to protect themselves from what was coming.

She thought of all the dinners they’d shared, the lovemaking and the laughter. And she knew that she’d never let herself believe he could stay because she didn’t want him to.

“Yeah,” she said.

He gathered his stuff and walked to the door as she stood there watching. Kell cursed and turned around, stalking back over to her. “Damn you, Emma. You were going to let me walk away like that, without a fight?”

“What can I do?”

“Act like this all meant something to you. I’m beginning to think you had your own plan for revenge. A very intimate sort of payback to make sure that I would suffer.”

She shook her head. She knew where he was going. “I’d thought the same, but it’s not true. We both were lonely...but we’re loners who are used to going it alone. This isn’t fair to you at all, but I can’t take the risk of falling for you.”

“Why not? Am I such a jerk? A loser? What is it that makes me unappealing, Emma?”

She wrapped her arms around her waist. “It’s me. I’m the one who is too afraid to risk this. I just can’t do it. You could die, you could change your mind, you could be playing a game with me,” she said.

“Doubtful, since I just accused you of doing that. I’m willing to take the chance,” he said.

“Are you really? I don’t know everything about love but I know that when it’s true and real it doesn’t feel like fear.”

“Maybe there is just too much between us to ever really trust each other,” he said, quietly. He tipped his head to the side and looked over at her from under that ridiculous fall of curls on his forehead.

He looked sexy and sad and she wanted to say the hell with it, open her arms and say she’d do anything for him. He’d changed her, changed her life and made her realize things about herself that she’d thought she’d never claim again.

But another part of her knew that if he couldn’t say the words she needed to hear, the little bud of love that had started to grow in her heart would wither and die. And she’d be even more broken than she had before she’d let herself care for Kell Montrose.

The man who’d been the face of the devil to her and her sisters in the last year had changed completely in her view but she was too afraid to believe those changes were real and he was too afraid to prove to her that they were. Now she was beginning to think that maybe she was projecting onto him what she desperately wanted to find.

The one thing she’d been lacking ever since she’d first walked out of the boardroom with the ultimatum ringing in her ears. She wanted what her sisters had found and she’d tried to make Kell into the man for her. It would be neat and tidy, wouldn’t it?

“It’s more about trusting myself. I’m trying to convince myself that it’s you I really care for and not just....”

“An illusion,” he said after a few moments had passed. “I’m dealing with the same doubts. I’ve never wanted to be part of something like this. A family. I have no idea if it’s just the novelty of it or if this is the real thing. Something that could last forever.”

A spark of anger went through her. “Now I’m a novelty?”

“I didn’t mean it that way,” he said.

“Then how did you mean it. Explain it to me. Because my son sure loves you and it has nothing to do with the novelty of having a man around.”

“Really, Emma, is that how you see it? Because as far as I’m concerned, it is the rarity of having a man around who can focus his time on him that has caused Sam’s attachment to me,” Kell said. “Seems that as his mom you would have noticed that the one thing he really wants is a dad.”

“Don’t you dare criticize my mothering,” she said. “I didn’t bring you here to become a father to him. I was just learning to be a woman again, thinking that maybe I had a chance—you know what? That doesn’t matter. All those little dreams I had were clearly wasted on you.”

The words just flowed out of her and she realized they were the truth. She could have started over with any man, so why, oh, why had she chosen him?

* * *

Kell shoved his hands through his hair. Everything was going from bad to worse. All of his relationship questions seemed to be answered in this one argument. He’d known for a while that he was playing at something that wasn’t real. Something that couldn’t be real to him because he had absolutely no idea of how to behave in this kind of situation.

He should never have brought Sam into this. Except that the kid was just as much a reason why he wanted to figure out how to stay here with Emma and make it work. He wanted that ideal family that had been such a mirage in his childhood. A perfect shimmery image of a dad and a mom and happy kid. Maybe some siblings.

But if he was struggling to figure out how to let Emma know that he loved her, how the hell would he ever be able to let kids into his heart? He had always believed himself to be strong. A proud loner who didn’t need anyone. Now he knew that he did need and want someone else in his life. And he knew that person was Emma, but he’d never be able to really admit that out loud.

He didn’t want to take a chance on loving because he was comfortable alone and if he loved her and let her and Sam become a part of his life, they could be ripped away from him in a heartbeat and he’d be worse off than he was now.

“I shouldn’t have said anything that sounded even remotely critical of your mothering,” he said. “I’m sorry for that. And I never meant for Sammy to become attached to me. I think I understand far more than you do how much he wants a dad. It’s one of the things I always craved.”

“Then why are you running away?” she asked. “I know you have never had a family but I thought over the last two weeks that we’d figured out how to be one.”

“We haven’t. I think we’ve both been playing house and I want to believe that if we took a chance I’d adjust to it. But it feels like I’m pretending to be something I’m not. And you and Sam both deserve more than that.”

There it was. The one truth he’d been afraid to speak and had been hoping to hide forever. The darkness inside him that made it hard for him to ever be anything other than a bitter man. The grandson of a man driven by hatred. He’d adjusted well enough to function in most situations, but this thing with Emma required more than functioning. He’d have to be real and he never had been able to.

“Fair enough. Then this really is goodbye,” she said.

“Yes, it is. And you don’t have to worry that this will prejudice my opinion of you at work,” he said.

“I have no choice but to take your word on that. But you’ve been pretty fair, at least up until now,” she admitted.

Once again, he was reminded of how they’d started out. Goodbye should be so easy to say to this woman. His grandfather had been swindled by hers a long time ago. Revenge had always been the name of the game. But as he stood in her hallway and felt the newfound love rise up inside him it was harder than he thought it would be. Harder to say the words that would put her forever out of reach.

But he knew he needed to ensure that she never came back to him. He knew that he had to make this break permanent because he also knew that no matter how much he wanted to believe what he felt was love, it couldn’t be. He didn’t believe in love. He’d seen many men do really stupid things in the name of that emotion.

Including his own cousins. And then he thought of John and Patti and how they’d thought love would give them the happily-ever-after of their dreams and had it all taken away in one quick accident. There were no guarantees, he knew this, and he’d be willing to bet that Emma knew it even more than he did.

“Business has absolutely nothing to do with any of this,” he said. “I don’t know why I brought it up.”

“I know. We both know that you made me a promise that if I did the work—”

“I always intended to break that promise,” Kell admitted. “But you’ve proven yourself. I meant what I said earlier. I’ll go back to the board tomorrow and lobby for a position for you that entails more power. Your ideas have been instrumental in forming the new educational gaming division and you deserve to run it. This is strictly confidential, but we are currently in talks with a Japanese company to invest in Playtone-Infinity. It may take some work bringing them on board with my decision, but I think you’re the one for this job.” Even though he knew the Japanese investors would frown on such an arrangement, he’d cross that bridge when he came to it. Maybe Playtone-Infinity didn’t really need their investment anyway. And this was the least he could do for Emma after all they’d been through and, if he were honest, all her hard work.

“Thank you,” she said softly, a look of sadness in her eyes.

“I wish I could do more. I want to be a man you can admire, one you can love, but it’s hard for me to see how to make us work as a couple, Emma. I just don’t believe in it or in myself. Not that way.”

* * *

Emma knew that she couldn’t fix Kell and knew that she herself was broken in ways she didn’t want to admit. It was nice that he was trying to make it easier for her. Taking all the blame so that he was the problem. She didn’t stop him when he opened the door and stood there on the threshold, half in light and half in shadow.

She’d said her goodbyes with that kiss. Her fingers tingled from touching his stubbled jaw but her heart was heavy because once again she’d felt love slip through her fingers.

Still, she didn’t do anything to stop it. She felt the cold dampness of the January air steal into her house and wrap itself around her. He was waiting, she realized. Just hoping she’d say something that would give him a reason to stay. And there it was again. The truth she always hid from.

She was a coward. She couldn’t even take a risk to get someone she thought she wanted. So he sighed and walked out the door, closing it with a finality that echoed through her soul.

Second chances didn’t come along every day. She knew that better than most, but still there wasn’t a thing she could do to make herself go after him. And she had to give Kell credit for being honest. He’d admitted he had no idea how to let go of the hate of the past and really live for the present. But at least he could admit it. Something she’d been powerless to do.

She stood by her front door, looking out the window next to it, and watched as Kell stood by his car looking up at the night sky. What was he doing? Why didn’t he just go?

What if he came back?

She held her breath, hoping that he would and cursing herself for a fool that she wanted him so badly but hadn’t been able to speak her true feelings in the end. But it wasn’t meant to be.

He got into his car and drove away. She stood there for a long time after he’d gone. Stared at the empty driveway and knew that there was a part of her heart that would always be empty, too. Just vacant. It’d be reserved for the man she loved, but she knew she’d never risk asking him to be a part of her family.

She wanted to cry but was too disappointed in herself to let the tears flow. She hadn’t been betrayed by Kell the way that Cari had been by Dec or even Jessi had been by Allan. The only betrayal that Emma had experienced was by her own actions.

How sad that she had always believed that Helio’s death had made her stronger and only now she knew that in reality it had left her weak. She finally had to face the fact that it had.

She moved through the empty house turning off lights and straightening up. She’d been careful to never leave any trace that Kell had spent the night so that Mrs. Hawking would catch on. Now she realized she’d been hiding him.

He’d been her guilty secret and she wondered if she’d have let it continue if she didn’t have a son. Because they could have kept on seeing each other, sleeping together, both pretending that it was nothing more an affair. That it was just temporary. It was Sammy who’d driven her to the truth. He wanted a man in his life to be his daddy. But Emma had only realized that she couldn’t take the chance on letting another man into her heart.

She went into the living room, picking up the cushions that Kell and Sammy had used when they’d been playing “Mario Kart.” She put the controllers away and found Kell’s tie lying on the floor half under the couch. She bent down to pick it up. The scent of his aftershave assailed her and she sank down on the couch cushions.

She put it to her nose and breathed deeply. She felt the warmth of tears on her cheeks. Why was she crying? She’d been the one to make the decision to let him leave. To not fight for him. To not fight for the love that she’d barely been able to admit to herself she felt.

But she knew why. She knew that no matter what lies she told to herself about being broken or about not being able to fix Kell, she had been afraid to fix herself. To do something that could make her happy because if she were wrong she’d never be able to live it down.

She hated that. Hated that she’d never realized how powerful fear could be. She’d thought that love could conquer all. Had seen it do that in her life after Helio’s death when she’d held Sam in her arms for the first time and felt him wrap himself around her heart and fill in all the empty spots.