“
So cool you’re spending
you Saturday night with me instead of her…”He chuckled. “Either you
two are having some issues or you are secretly harboring some
desires for me. Now which one is it?” I titled my head back and
took a breath, fighting to hold in all my problems but after the
third beer it became harder to contain my emotions. “I asked Lucy
what she thought about us possibly having kids right now. I told
her I was ready.” “She didn’t feel the same way?” He inquired. I
gave him a look that said if she did do you think I would be here.
“No…she wants to focus on her career.” I huffed. He nodded like
everything was cool. “Understandable.” I looked at him offended.
“What? You agree.” He saw my reaction and tried to explain. “Grant
you were a mechanic before right?” “Yeah…So?” “So why did you
decide to become a welder?” I thought about his question. “Because
the pay was better…I needed something different…I wanted more for
myself.” Frank took another sip of his beer again before
speaking.
“
And so does she. I know
Lucy is an assistant editor and all but she’s trying to make it to
the top, she’s trying to accomplish her dreams, and that’s a hard
thing to do with children. Trust me I know.” I rolled my eyes at
the fact that yet another person was missing the point I was trying
to make. “And how long is that going to take Frank? Huh? That could
be years before she makes it to editor. By the time she would be
thinking about kids and shit, she’ll be as old as Harriet Tubman.”
Frank laughed to the point that beer shot out of his nose. “And
frankly how many times do we see women so obsessed with their
careers that that they lose sight of everything else. I know how
hard she has worked, It’s not like I don’t want to see her do good,
but I also don’t want her to lose sight of what is important like
our marriage…a family.”
Frank couldn’t argue with
that, he leaned over at patted me on the shoulder. “Well man it’s a
two sided coin, have you tried talking to her about it?” I turned
my head and looked at the wall. I didn’t want to talk to her about
it; I’m tired of hearing her excuses as to why she doesn’t want my
baby. I figured if she was unwillingly to budge I was done talking
about it. “Look Grant, a closed mouth can’t say anything. You need
to talk to her and tell her how you feel. Maybe you guys can come
to a mutual understanding…and if not keep hope alive” He continued
to chuckle as the fight came to a close. I shook my head and
watched on; I didn’t feel like talking to her... not
now.
Chapter
3
Compromise or
Control
Lucy
Talking was the last thing
Grant and I did. He started coming up with any and every excuse not
to be home and when he was home he avoided the baby topic
altogether. By Friday I had enough of the elephant in the kitchen,
the living room and especially the bedroom. I didn’t see the point
in having a kid not when I got his ass, giving me attitude like a
twelve year old girl.
I don’t have to put
up with this,
I thought to myself.
And I’m no longer going to. Grant was going to
talk to me whether he liked it or not.
I
paced the living room floor waiting for him to come home and I
watched the grandfather clock in the corner of the room. As Five o
clock turned into eight o clock and eight o clock turned into
midnight that turned into me falling asleep on the couch dreaming
of knocking Grant the hell out as soon as he came home.
I couldn’t believe the
nerve of this man to not come home at a decent hour and didn’t even
bother to call to say he was going to be late, was he trying to
scare the living hell out of me? By half past two in the morning I
heard the click clacking of keys in the door. I slowly rose to my
feet when I realized it was Grant, my relief and gratefulness soon
turned into anger and frustration. “Well were the hell have you
been?” I yelled at him and stared coldly. He seemed taken back by
my anger and slowly came forward. “Relax, I was at Frank’s house.”
“Until two in the morning, do I have dummy written on my forehead?”
I eyed him closely; looking for certain clues to any suspicious
activity… can never be too sure. He rolled his eyes, slowly eased
off his sports jacket and threw it on the couch.
“
Look, I went over there
to watch the fight; the main event didn’t get started until around
midnight. Why are you tripping? Not like I haven’t done this
before.” I was in disbelief. “Yeah and you have also called home
before what happened with that? I mean damn Grant the fact that you
can walk up in here this late like everything is chill is baffling
to me.” Grant took a deep breath as if I were annoying him and
walked upstairs. “Whatever.” He slithered out. Oh I know he didn’t
just whatever me like I was of no importance. You better believe I
was pissed now. I followed him up the stairs. “Excuse me I’m
talking to you.” He kept walking ignoring me. “Grant, Stop!” I
screamed.
He came to a halt in the
middle of the hallway. I tried to calm myself down and resist the
urge to slap him upside the head. “So is this what you’re going to
do now? Stay out all night and act like some little ass child,
throwing a temper tantrum because I won’t give you what you want.”
He stopped at the top of the stairs and looked at me disgusted.
“Don’t talk to me like that.” He headed for our bedroom door but I
jumped in front of him. “We need to talk.” Grant moved me out of
the way and burst into our bedroom. “You want to talk. Talk about
what? Your mind is clearly made up…there aint nothing to talk
about.” I watched him open and slam the drawers of our dresser for
his night wear. “You’re not even going to listen to me are you?” I
pleaded with him. He stopped what he was doing and looked at
me.
“
Ok Luce talk to me, give
another reason why you don’t want a family with me, does that not
fit into your weekly calendar? Am I conflicting with some business
function of yours? No wait, I get it having a baby is not in style
this season.”
You son of a bitch,
I thought.
You don’t
even care how I feel about this.
I sat on
the bed getting very wearisome of the back and forth between me and
him. “So it doesn’t matter how I feel about it huh? It’s just your
way and that’s it. Now is that compromise or control?” Grant looked
at me in shock as if I were speaking in a different language. “So
let me get this straight. I’m being controlling because I want to
have child with you and you’re chasing a career objective.” “No
your being controlling because your trying to make the decision
alone.” I shook my head in frustration, we were just going around
in circles, and nothing was getting resolved.
“
Grant you stopped at
nothing until you had a solid position in your career, you refused
to partake in any form of commitment to anything, not even to me,
until you made it to where you wanted to be. Now why can’t I do the
same?” Grant stood in the middle of the bathroom doorway and gave
me that look, that look that said
espn
is on and I’m done talking
about this. He then shrugged and threw his hands up. “Well do what
you want to do then.”
Here we go
again,
I thought. I was so mad I wanted to
explode in anger.
“
Stop it, stop cutting me
off, stop dismissing me just because I’m not telling you want you
want to hear…This is ridiculous.”
“No what’s ridiculous is
that at the age of twenty eight you are still a spoiled little girl
who has to have everything your way... So what am I here for uh?
You want me to hold your purse, kiss your ass and tell you whatever
you say goes? Well I’m not that…”
“I’m scared.” I said
cutting him off.
I had been holding that in
for so long it felt as if I were as suffocating. There it was my
truth laid out there for him to see. “Are you happy now? …I’m
scared.” He looked at me puzzled and moved closer to the bed where
I was sitting. “What are you scared of?” I looked at him through
sad eyes not wanting to tell him how I have been feeling about
having children but decided to trust him anyway. “I don’t know
everything. I’m getting weighed down at work, were arguing like
crazy, add a baby to all this confusion I fear I may lose my mind.”
He sat beside me on the bed. “I can’t do all of this by myself
Grant, there is no way.” Grant shook his head. “Baby do think I’m
just going to pack up and leave you hanging with all this.” I
frankly didn’t see why not, everything was cool when my mother and
father were together. They both had big plans but that fell to the
waste side when my mother had gotten pregnant.
When Things got too tough
she walked out and never looked back and somewhere inside me I
feared Grant may do the same…or possibly me. He pulled me into his
arms, “Woman unless the good Lord says otherwise I’m not going
anywhere. I would never leave you, you hear me? You’re supposed to
come to me with any and everything I’m your man…Matter of fact I’m
more than your man I’m your husband, lean on me.” I wanted to
believe it, in everything he was saying. Take those words and wrap
them around me but fear still lingered in my heart. “You know kids
have never been my strong point.” I told him. It was Sad but true,
children tended to need so much and I was willing to give so
little. “I’m sure we can deal. Two heads are always better than one
right?”
I smiled at his
self-assurance. Grant always had so much confidence in himself and
me. “Yeah baby, I’m sure we will be great parents one day.” He
smiled. I leaned in and kissed him on the lips. “Well there’s no
time like the present huh?” He looked at me with that silly
expression he always wore when he was excited. “Looks like I need
to go to the bookstore and buy
Parenting
for Dummies
.” I burst into laughter. “You
better, we are going to need all the help we can get.” I brought
that delicious mouth of his to mine. “Hey.” I whispered to him. “I
got something I want to tell you before we do this.” “I know I love
you too.” He said kissing me again. “No, I don’t do dirty diapers.”
“Oh.” He chuckled. “Thanks for the heads up.”
Blurt…..Well there goes
lunch. I grabbed some tissue and wiped vomit off of my mouth before
flushing the toilet. It was mid-august and I was already two months
pregnant and morning sickness was a bitch. For the most part, I was
actually pretty calm when I started noticing changes in my body.
Grant made me take like five different test just to be sure we were
expecting, which wasn’t a problem since I had been peeing like a
horse day and night. Of course Grant was ecstatic, he nearly cried
when the doctor gave us the first sonogram. I was happy he was so
excited about the pregnancy. He had already been working on the
nursery and I wasn’t even in my third trimester.
“
You ok in there?” Megan
asked knocking on the bathroom stall. “I’ll be out in a minute.” I
barely stood up before rushing back down to the toilet and puking
again. I tried to pull myself together. “Damn this kid is kicking
my”…blurt. Megan laughed “Yeah I can tell. How far along are you
again?” I exhaled “About two months now.” I was still shocked how I
got pregnant so fast; I figured Grant had some super swimmers or I
was just too damn fertile.
I made it out of the
bathroom stall to the sink. Seeing Megan’s face was like a breath
of fresh air, sometimes I thought she made going to work easier to
deal with… even a joy. “Well good thing you’re still early, you
won’t miss the upcoming events…But how much time do you plan on
taking off?” She inquired. I took some facial powder out of my new
Chanel purse. “I don’t.” Megan jumped back like she saw I bomb in
my bag and was ready to alert security. “You mean you’re going to
work all through your pregnancy?” I laughed at her scared face. “Of
course I can’t physically be here but I have worked a few things
out with the magazine. I can still get a lot done from home.” Megan
still looked concerned. “You don’t think you’re putting too much
stress on you or the baby?” I fixed my hair in the mirror and
thought about what she had said. “Well it’s not like I’m doing
anything physical….Everything will be ok.” I knew Megan was still
worried but she eased up. I knew what I was doing, and although I’m
expecting a few fights with my husband over my workload I am not
backing off. Things are going to go exactly as planned where
everyone can get what they want….Especially me.
Chapter 4
Here
comes baby
Grant
I couldn’t believe how
excited I was about the pregnancy. I went all the way for Lucy and
the baby. It didn’t matter what she needed me to do I was there
with bells and whistles on ready to go. Late night runs for pigs
feet and pickles at the local grocery store… I was there.
Vacuuming, moping, and laundry… occasionally I achieved these
tasks. Even vomit detail, which happened regularly, was all taken
care of. Mostly I just wanted to be there…for her….for it…just
being attentive to their needs. Whether it was holding them at
night while watching
The Color
Purple
or rubbing her feet throughout the
day while she looked at baby names for our baby…She suggested
Franklin if it’s a boy and I suggested she name the dog that cause
it will not be going on my son’s birth certificate. All the while,
Time with them was time well spent that I enjoyed. I even found
myself helping out in birthing class…Well I spent most of the time
asking the doctor a million questions. “So if the baby comes out of
there will it stretch-out the entire…” “Grant!” Lucy screamed. Ok
maybe I was too attentive, but this was my first child, my first
start of a family and I was happy, all of us were. I wanted better
for my child, to give it something I never even dreamed I would
have had.