Authors: Christopher Moore

Tags: #Lear, #Kings and Rulers, #Fools and jesters, #Historical Fiction, #Humorous, #Fiction, #Fiction - General, #Humorous Fiction, #Popular American Fiction, #Inheritance and Succession, #King (Legendary character), #Britons, #General, #Great Britain

Fool (28 page)

About The Author

CHRISTOPHERMOORE is the author of ten previous novels:
You Suck, A Dirty Job, The Stupidest Angel, Fluke, Lamb, The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove, Island of the Sequined Love Nun, Bloodsucking Fiends, Coyote Blue,
and
Practical Demonkeeping
. He invites readers to e-mail him at [email protected]

www.chrismoore.com

Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors.

Also By Christopher Moore

You Suck

A Dirty Job

The Stupidest Angel

Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal

The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove

Island of the Sequined Love Nun

Bloodsucking Fiends

Coyote Blue

Practical Demonkeeping

Credits

Jacket design and illustration by Will Staehle

This book is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents, and dialogue are drawn from the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

FOOL. Copyright © 2009 by Christopher Moore. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

Microsoft Reader January 2009 ISBN 978-0-06-177021-0

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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GLOSSARY OF TERMS:

1. The mutt’s nuts-informal for the dog’s bollocks.

1. Slag-British slang for slut, tramp.

1. Mummers-traveling entertainers, often associated with winter solstice celebrations, but could be anything from acrobats to a theatrical troupe.

10. A Natural-the “Natural” jester was one who had some physical deformity or anomaly, a hunchback, a dwarf, a giant, Down’s syndrome, etc. Naturals were thought to have been “touched” by God.

7. Farthing-the smallest denomination of English coinage, equal to one quarter of a penny.

2. Balls up-slang, to ruin, to fuck up, also “bollocks up” and “cock up.”

2. Iamb-in poetry, a metrical foot consisting of an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable. Hit
IT
, Give
IT.

1. Ponced-verb form of “ponce,” a gay man, meaning to walk in a gay manner. Could possibly be a real word.

6. Dirk-a knife, especially a dagger, or the act of using a dagger on someone.

1. Arrases-tapestries and carpets hung across alcoves to cut down on drafts or preserve privacy. In
Hamlet,
Polonius is stabbed while hiding behind an arras.

1.
Decolletage
-the road to Hooterville; cleavage. From the fucking French.

5. Portcullis-a heavy vertical grate, usually spiked on the bottom and made of or clad in iron to resist fire. Typically the inner gate of a fortress, an open grate so attackers could be hit with arrows or spears if they broke through the outer gates.

1. The mutt’s nuts-informal for the dog’s bollocks.

1. Slag-British slang for slut, tramp.

1. Mummers-traveling entertainers, often associated with winter solstice celebrations, but could be anything from acrobats to a theatrical troupe.

2. Poofter-homosexual.

3. Gefilte fish-a poached ground fish patty, usually made of carp.

1.
King Lear,
Act I, Scene 1, King Lear.

1. Saturnalia-the celebration of the winter solstice in the Roman pantheon, paying tribute to Saturn, the “sower of seeds.” Celebration of Saturnalia involved much drunkenness and indiscriminate shagging. Observed in modern times by the ritual of the “office Christmas party.”

2. Fit-British slang, attractive, sexy.

3. Snogging, to snog-kissing, making out, swapping spit, sucking face.

1. Priapus-a Greek god whose lust was so strong he was cursed with a permanent erection that was so large he was unable to move. The medical condition priapism is named for him.

1. Hecate-Greek goddess of witchcraft, sorcery, and ghosts.

2. Wanker-one who wanks, a tosser.

1.
C’est la vie
-fucking French for “that’s life.”

3. Cat’s paw-a small crowbar, often used by thieves to jimmy windows open.

3. Bailey-courtyard inside a castle wall.

1.
King Lear,
Act I, Scene 1, King Lear.

1. Dear-British colloquialism, expensive, costly.

2. Nyx-Greek goddess of the night.

2. Curtain wall-the outer wall of a castle compound, usually surrounding all of the buildings.

4. Barbican-a gatehouse, or extension of a castle wall beyond the gatehouse, used for defense of the main gate, often connected to a drawbridge.

2. Weetabix-a British cereal biscuit whose taste and texture are generally thought to be improved by the addition of monkey come.

1. “By St. Cardomon’s scaly feet”-the legend goes that St. Cardomon was a monk from Italy to whom the Archangel Raziel appeared, asking for a drink of water. While looking for water, Cardomon accidentally wandered into a cave that led into hell. There he was lost for forty days and forty nights, and while his feet burned when he first arrived, he soon developed the green and scaly feet of a lizard, and was protected from the fires of hell. When he returned to the angel with a flagon of ice-water (which no one had seen before), he was granted the gift of scaly feet for all time and it is often said that a woman with feet so rough that they will tear the bedsheets are “blessed by St. Cardomon.” Cardomon is the patron saint of combination skin, cold beverages, and necrophilia.

1. Nuncle-archaic, uncle.

3. Chamberlain-a servant usually in charge of running a castle or household.

1. Poke-a sack, bag; a pig in a poke was usually a cat, which is why you don’t buy one, being as cats are not good eating.

3. Perfidy-treachery, definitely not bosoms.

2.
Ydych chi’n cymryd cerdynnau credid?
-Welsh, “Do you take credit cards?”

2. The dog’s bollocks!-excellent! The bee’s knees! The cat’s pj’s. Literally, the dog’s balls, which doesn’t seem to be that great a thing, yet, there you are.

9. Blighty-Britain, Great Britain; slang.

1. Boffnacity-an expression of shagnatiousness, fit. From the Latin
boffusnatious
.

2. Dugs-breasts, teats.

1.
Y Ddraig Goch ddyry gychwyn
-Welsh, “The Red Dragon should go forward!” Originally the Welsh National Motto. Later replaced by “Yes, we have shepherd’s pie!”

1.
King Lear
, Act I, Scene 2, Edmund.

8. Solar-a sitting room or parlor in the top story of a tower. The tower unblocked by outer walls receives a lot of sun, thus the name.

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3/27/2009

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Table of Contents

TWO – NOW, GODS, STAND UP FOR BASTARDS!

THREE – OUR DARKER PURPOSE

FOUR – THE DRAGON AND HIS WRATH

FIVE – PITY THE FOOL

SIX – FRIENDSHIP AND THE ODD BONK