Flyaway (21 page)

CHAPTER 45

I
walk to Dad's ward. All the time I'm wondering about what Harry suggested. Would it work? If I could make my flying model move like a real swan's wings, would the swan really copy me? Could I teach her to take off? It seems too crazy to even try. But Harry said he'd come with me. He'd see the swan. It's exactly what I'd wanted. So why didn't I agree? I step around the man mopping the floor. Perhaps it's because now it's me who's scared, I'm scared of something happening to him and it being all my fault.

I wait for Mum outside Dad's ward. She smiles when she sees what I've got bundled up in my arms.

‘You finished?'

I nod. ‘I've brought them for Dad to see.'

When we walk past the ward desk, the round Scottish
nurse who seems to be in charge puts her hand firmly on my shoulder.

‘You want to bring that into the ward?' She looks disapprovingly at my flying model.

‘The wings are stuffed,' I say. ‘It's for Dad.'

She raises her eyebrows at Mum. ‘Just this once,' she says. ‘But they're not staying.' She turns away from us, shaking her head.

Dad's sitting up, waiting. ‘What's the fuss?' he asks.

I look behind to check the nurse isn't watching and place the wings on Dad's bed. His eyes widen and sparkle. He runs his hands over them slowly, turning them over, unfolding them to examine the stitching.

‘This is fantastic,' he says, smiling as he recognises the climbing harness. ‘Did Granddad help?'

I nod. ‘You should see them when they're on. They work and everything.'

‘Like a real swan?' He shakes his head in amazement, just like Granddad did.

I almost tell him how Granddad walked into the hospital with me this morning, how he nearly came to visit. But I don't want Dad to be disappointed when I say he didn't stay. Instead, I help him to stretch one of the wings fully so that it lies flat across his bed. He touches the primary flight feathers, the longest ones at the tip.

‘What would it feel like to have wings, eh?' he murmurs. ‘To be up there with the swans!'

He looks out at the pale sky, and his eyes glisten. I think
of my dream of Dad flying up into the sky, away, with the swans singing all around him. I think of the swans hovering above when he fell down in that field. It makes my throat tight.

He reaches across for my hand. ‘Don't worry,' he says. ‘Soon I'll be waking up with a pig in my heart and a smile on my face. It'll all be fine.'

I try to smile back, try to believe what he says. But it's hard when he's got tubes coming out of his arm and I can hear the nurse behind me telling Mum that his blood pressure has got higher.

I lean across and rest my head on his chest. I can still hear it; still beating strongly.

‘I'll see you tomorrow,' I whisper. ‘After the operation.'

And he grasps me tightly around my shoulder. ‘I'll be here.'

CHAPTER 46

I
don't want to go home. Tomorrow, first thing, they'll put Dad into a special ward to prepare for the operation, and I don't know when I'll be allowed to see him.

As Mum drives, I bury my fingers into the swan feathers and scan the sky for birds. When we pass Saskia's street, I notice that the For Sale sign has been taken down and I feel guilty for a moment that I haven't returned the calls she's left on my mobile recently.

As we're waiting at the traffic lights near the pub, Mum asks me about Granddad, so I tell her what happened in the hospital. Mum sighs. After we pull into our driveway, she leans across to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.

‘You know why he's like that, don't you?' Mum says. ‘Ever since Nan died, he's had a thing about hospitals. He seems to think they make people sicker.'

I feel suddenly cold as I think of Dad by himself in the ward, waiting for his operation.

‘But Dad will be OK, won't he?' I ask.

Mum looks over at me as she turns off the engine. ‘What happened to Nan won't happen to Dad.'

She waits in the car. I find Jack in his room, staring straight ahead at his Everton poster.

‘Mum will drive you in now,' I say.

His eyes linger on my flying model as he gets up from his desk. ‘I bet Dad really loved that,' he says quietly.

He brushes past me and stomps down the stairs and I stare after him, surprised that he's said something nice to me for a change.

CHAPTER 47

L
ater, the three of us sit in the living room with the telly on. None of us are watching it. Mum keeps getting her mobile phone out of her bag to check it and Jack's bouncing his football on his knee.

‘Back in an hour or so,' he tells Mum, leaping up from the couch.

Mum nods but doesn't seem to register what he's said. He slams the front door behind him. I watch him through the window turn right towards the park. I check my watch. It's nineteen hours until Dad's operation starts. I look over at Mum.

‘I'm going out, too.'

I feel bad about leaving her on her own, but I can't stay in the house. It's too hot and stuffy inside, and I feel so tense. I want to run. I really want to be back at the lake, but playing
football with Jack will have to do.

Jack's so caught up in his own thoughts that he doesn't notice me trailing him. In a moment I'll catch up and ask if he wants a kick about. He jogs through the park gates, heading towards the swings. I'm about to call out to him when I see there's a girl there, kicking at the woodchips. It's Jess from the athletics team, the girl who tried talking to me before. Jack runs right up to her and kisses her on the mouth.

I kind of freeze for a second, watching them. It's so odd seeing Jack do that. I mean, he doesn't talk about girls or anything and he's never said he has a girlfriend. I stay where I am, just inside the park gates. I don't want to move in case Jack hears me. He would be so angry if he knew I was here. I watch Jess's hands pressing on Jack's back, grabbing at his shoulders. It makes me wonder what it feels like, being kissed like that . . . kissing. All that passion being thrown at you by another person.

I force myself to look away, and edge around the corner of the playground. I don't want to go home yet; don't want to sit with Mum and worry about Dad. I keep my head down until I get to the football fields. I start to run.

I lengthen my stride past the cricket pitch. Without the swan beside me, it's not as easy to go fast. I focus on the ground beneath my feet, at the blur of green grass. I crouch forward and try to imagine what it might be like to run with the wing harness around me.

I run in a big circle round the fields and soon I'm back where I began. I arch my spine and let myself breathe. The
clouds all look like wings today: big, puffy, light grey wings. As I walk back to the park gates, I notice there's a crowd of people in the playground, sitting on top of the castle in a huddle. Jack's there, and Rav, and some girls. Crowy's there, too. I feel myself blush when I see him, and then feel stupid immediately. I run my arm across my face and wipe off the sweat. Even with a beanie covering up Crowy's hair, he's gorgeous.

I intend to walk past before any of them can spot me, but Jack calls out.

‘What are you doing here?'

‘Just running.'

I study his face. He doesn't look mad, perhaps he hasn't clocked the fact that I must have seen him when I walked in. Or maybe he doesn't care. He's got his arm around Jess now and he's grinning. I want to scream at him until he stops looking so relaxed and happy. It doesn't seem fair somehow when Dad's so sick. I kick a piece of woodchip against the climbing wall.

‘When will you be home?' I ask. ‘It'll be dark soon, you know Mum will worry.'

He frowns and I think he's going to say something nasty, but I stare him down. He nods once, then turns to say something to Jess. Crowy crawls along the castle towards me.

‘We saw you running,' he calls down. ‘You're pretty fast.'

My cheeks get even hotter. He laughs as he notices.

‘You should come play football more often,' he says.

Jack leans over and thumps him on the arm. And Crowy
laughs and crawls back towards a girl I don't recognise. Jack slides down the fireman's pole and steps towards me.

‘Happy now?' he grunts. He turns to say goodbye to his mates and I start walking past the swings.

‘Good luck with your dad,' Jess calls out.

‘Thanks.' Jack's voice is soft and high-pitched and doesn't sound like him at all. When he catches up with me, his mouth is clenched shut. It's as if he's fighting some emotion inside him, something he doesn't want to come out. He lopes ahead of me, heading for home.

CHAPTER 48

I
t feels like I hardly sleep. I keep dreaming about swans. I dream that Dad is flying with them, his arms held out like short, sick wings.

In the morning I pad down to Mum and Dad's bedroom. Mum's still sleeping, all alone in their huge bed. She wakes up when I crawl in next to her.

‘I don't want to go to school today,' I say. ‘I won't concentrate with Dad's operation.'

Mum sighs really deeply and hugs me to her. ‘This is the last time,' she says.

I go down to the kitchen and make toast. Jack comes in. He sits at the kitchen table and stares out of the window.

‘Robin,' he says. ‘On Dad's bird feeder.'

I step towards the window to see it properly and it doesn't fly away. Then a small, round coal tit arrives and starts taking
the seeds, too. I step right up close to the glass. The coal tit looks at me with its tiny, dark eyes before turning back to the seed. This makes me wonder. Maybe it's me. Maybe I've got some sort of power over birds and they all act funny around me. I place my fingers on the windowsill and stare at the coal tit. I wait for it to turn to me again and stare back, like the swan does. I lean forward until my nose is against the glass.

‘You'll scare them,' Jack says.

I ignore him and focus on the birds. I start to lose feeling in the tip of my nose as I watch. The birds just keep pecking at the niger seeds. The robin doesn't even look at me, not once. I rest my forehead onto the glass, giving up. The birds fly away.

‘See, I told you.' Jack scrapes his chair from the table and starts making his breakfast.

Three hours until Dad's operation.

Then two.

The time passes so slowly. I can't concentrate on homework, can't even concentrate on writing up the report for my flying model. In the end I sit close to Mum on the couch and we watch really awful daytime TV. My eyes keep flicking to the photograph hanging on the wall of the four of us last Christmas. Dad's got a Santa hat on and it looks like he's had one gin and tonic too many. We all look so happy. When the third talk show comes on, I begin to wish I'd gone to school after all. The only excitement is when Harry texts me to tell me he's been researching how swans use their wings.

I've got it! I've found something that says exactly what swans do. Now can I come to the reserve? ;-)