Flight of the Maita Supercollection 3: Solving Galactic Problems Collector's Edition (97 page)

"Princess Tar
is a figurehead," T6 replied. "Sort of thing used in ceremonials
and such. Gloeb isn't in the empire, anyhow, it's an associate. Not
too likely to get into the empire if they don't change the form of
government."

"What are they
like?" Tab asked.

"Mammals.
General K-form," T6 answered. "Bipedal. Sort of between Z and a
Cheeth. Thinner than Z and not so sharp-featured as the Cheeth.
Hair forms a mane down to the center of the back and on the chest
of the males. They all have beards."

"Do you have
anymore information yet?" Kit asked. "Who kidnapped her and why?
When? Where?"

"Probably
grabbed by the insurrection," T6 said. "Colony on a world called
Maorp in the same solar system. They're highly rebellious and
resent the fact their colony can't sustain itself, depending on the
home world for much of the necessities."

"That doesn't
sound reasonable," Tab protested. "All they have to do is check
with library and they can learn thousands of ways to make almost
any world produce. Even an ice world or a hot one will sustain a
large colony in domes."

"Maorp is
probably a little better than Perfect Three," T6 replied with a
cynical sneer in the "voice" (It used speakers, of course). Tab had
wondered how the ships were able to sound sarcastic or happy or
cynical for a long time, but TR finally fouled up and sent the
subliminals without "vocals" (Signals sent directly by radio as
well as the speakers) and Tab had caught on.

"Then why?" Kit
began and stopped. "Oh, no!"

"Yup!" T6
replied happily. "Now you're going to see how things were on Z's
Earth before the time he was abducted and continued for nearly
three hundred years afterward! You're going to receive firsthand
experience with a lack of logic you won't quite believe! The only
saving grace of this race is that they're not prone to violence
against their own kind like the Terrans were. Not major violences
in any case. They're capable of the normal insane cruelties and
insensibilities of mammalian cultures. They do tend to kill each
other a lot, but not so much in a warlike setting. It's personal
violence and rage at individuals. The problem is they're likely to
go back to war – they've had them in their history – if anything
happens to Princess Tar. The colony couldn't stand against Gloeb
for long, but a great many people could be killed and a lot of
damage could be done.

"Like Z's
ancestors, they base most things on their monetary system.
Everything has a price or can be related to money in some manner.
The monetary unit is called the lotz and is divided into twelve
parts. Their math is based on twelve so is very easy to work with.
You can deduce they have six fingers on a hand, I think.

"What we call a
centime, or one one hundredths of a credit, they call a du, one one
hundred forty fourth. Twelve du make a dur, six dur are a half. The
coins are the du, the dur, the half and the lotz.

"It's good
you're machines. You can work with a twelve base as well as a ten
or binomials.

"We have
arrived!"

The two robots
looked out the dome at the planet below to see what would be a
pretty world if it weren't for the dirty-looking clouds and the odd
patterns of pollution streaming off the continents into the
seas.

"Will the
ecological system handle all that crap they’re dumping into it?"
Tab asked.

"Luckily, yes,"
T6 answered. "They've figured exactly how much the system will
handle and keep a tiny bit under it."

"But why not
stop all of it?" Kit asked. "Surely they have the technology if
they're allowed even associate status with the empire."

Tab and T6 both
snickered at that.

"You have a lot
to learn about these kinds of people," Tab said. "As we're going
aground I'll assume we're landing at a specified place?"

"Yup!" T6
replied. "I think they're disappointed because we're landing with
diplomatic status. They've got all that bureaucratic crap they
can't pull on us. That means nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine
hundred ninety of each hundred thousand 'government employees'
can't pretend to be doing something because you're here."

"Oh, they'll
still have plenty of that crap," Tab replied. "I wish I'd been
around when Maita lost its temper with the bureaucrats in the old
Kheth Federation and on those other worlds. We'll see if they can
make Kit and me lose ours!"

"I know Maita
can lose its temper," Kit agreed. "I've input some of that stuff.
Do you think it'll be that bad?"

"You're about
to find out!" T6 replied. "There's a car coming for you. Here's all
that's transpired so far."

T6 burst-input
the entire thing so Tab and Kit could act as though they'd been at
the com. It wouldn't do for these people to know T6 was intelligent
or that it could act without a pilot – or that they were dealing
with robots.

The car was a
flat platform with benches and a clear dome over it. The
temperature outside was quite comfortable to all of them as the
Kheth and Swaz were from worlds much like Gloeb, yet there was air
conditioning inside that made it almost uncomfortably cool. There
was soft music playing from some hidden quadrophonic system – which
is ridiculous in a vehicle as only one spot could hope to properly
receive any balance. The seats were plush and there was chrome and
gilt all over the interior that seemed to serve no purpose.

"Isn't this a
government vehicle?" Kit asked of the driver (Though they certainly
had enough technology to make the things automatic).

"Why, yes," he
answered. "Why do you ask?"

"Aren't you on
a tax system?" Tab asked.

"Certainly!"
the driver answered. "How else could government run?"

"We ask because
of the extreme ostentation of such things as this plush interior,
the useless music system and the totally unnecessary air
conditioning," Kit replied. "All of that crap's expensive and
serves no purpose. It's monies spent simply because they're there.
I can readily deduce exactly how your system is supposed to be
representative and that your politicians are absolutely corrupt.
It's even expected of them. There are hundreds of more logical
forms of governing that seem to work better on thousands of worlds
in the empire."

"Yeah. What can
you do?" the driver asked resignedly. "Everybody knows you have to
be a liar and a thief to even be considered for a political job.
It's always been like that and I guess it always will be. That's
politics for you!"

"Didn't you
hear me?" Kit asked. "I just said such a system is actually very
rare! It's something you've encouraged to happen to
yourselves!"

The driver
shrugged. Tab grinned at Kit.

"Go into the
main hall over there," the driver instructed. "There's a guard
who'll take you over to receiving and processing."

"What receiving
and processing?" Kit rejoined in surprise. "We came here at YOUR
request."

"Got to follow
the forms, you know," the driver said. "Look, I'd like to chat, but
it's time for my break and I don't get paid no extra if I work
through it."

"Work!" Kit
exclaimed. "What the hell work is...?"

Tab grabbed his
arm and pulled him toward the hall, waving at the driver, who
shrugged again and drove away.

"He's working
harder than most government employees," Tab said. "He's actually
driving that silly thing."

"But he's
useless at best!" Kit declared. "It would probably cost less than
ten percent of his yearly salary to convert the car to automatic!
He's worse than useless, he's a negative draw factor to the
economy."

"Well, that's
the way it's always been with politics," Tab replied. "I guess
it'll never change! What are you gonna do?

"Here's our
guard."

The guard was
armed and moved very stiffly without speaking. He led them to a
door marked "Processing A – All persons are required by law to
declare all possessions being introduced into the country. Failure
to declare is AGAINST THE LAW and violators will be prosecuted. YOU
HAVE BEEN WARNED – Welcome."

"You're kidding
me!" Kit cried, reading the lettering. "Welcome?"

Tab laughed and
went on inside to see a row of twelve long tables, each with four
people sitting around them. They were drinking something hot from
plastic cups, eating various sweetcakes and chatting among
themselves. The two empire representatives were totally ignored.
There was a sign on each of the tables that said, "Next Counter,
Please – closed."

"Oh, hell!" Tab
remarked happily. "The car driver SAID it was break time! That poor
guard had to bring us the whole fifteen meters here on his break!
No wonder he wouldn't talk to us! How could we be so
inconsiderate?"

Kit started
giggling, which made those at the nearest table look up. "We'll be
with you in just a moment," a woman announced officiously. "You can
put your things on the table and sit over there." She pointed to a
hard bench by the wall.

Tab sent a
short sentence to Kit on the internals, saying he was going to have
some fun with these people. Something was most definitely, as Z
would say, up! This was extreme even for the type of system. It was
carefully designed to give someone time to do something.

They wandered
around the room, reading the union signs, the warnings, hundreds of
irrelevant rules and regulations and maps of the city and the world
until the woman took the sign from the table and tapped it loudly.
Tab and Kit ignored her.

"I have one
question," Kit said. "We're the only ones here and there isn't any
evidence any other ships have come in in the past day or so. What
are all these people for?"

"They're
voters," Tab explained. "They'll keep right on voting for the one
who made and gave them the jobs."

The woman
tapped more loudly and Tab turned to wave at her, then turned back
to continue reading the colorful poster on the wall about the
regulations concerning the bringing in of pets and the fines and
restrictions – and "YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!"

"If you don't
mind, my time is valuable!" she snapped. "Shall we get you through
processing? Where is the property you wish to declare?"

"Diplomats
don't declare any of the kinds of property we might have," Tab
replied. "I don't think you need expect more ships or processees
today so why the hurry?"

"Oh, come!" she
scolded. "I'm sure you have shaving supplies and colognes and such
items! They are required inspection items."

"In case it
slipped past your notice I'm an amphibian and Kit here is a
reptile," Tab said in a friendly voice. "As we neither one grow
hair we don't shave. We don't sweat so we wouldn't need colognes
and such. We'll purchase dental cleansers and that sort of thing
here."

"Well," she
said, looking around her for help, "Just present your
identification papers for verification and any cash you may be
carrying in from offworld."

"Identification
is automatic anywhere in the empire so we don't carry that sort of
thing," Tab informed her. "We've never been here before so how
would we have any money to declare? Our funds are in standard
empire credits and are handled through the bank machines. We'll
each get a few thousand lotz for operating capital after we get
through all this rigamarole."

She was totally
lost now. She didn't know what to do – so she did what any
bureaucrat would do: She told them to go to the next table!

At the next
table the man who was handling it was smarter. He did the
alternative thing a bureaucrat will do: he called the supervisor.
The supervisor resented being disturbed and let it be known. She
had piles of reports that MUST be in by deadline and wasn't paid to
handle these things that were the job of the person who was PAID to
do that job.

"Just give them
temporary passes and send them into processing two."

Bureaucratic
rule one again. Pass any problem along to someone else.

Processing two
had never seen a temporary pass before so had to send someone all
the way back to processing one – a good three meters away – to find
out what was going on. After it was determined that no one in the
place had any idea whatever about what was going on the two were
asked to fill out medical forms. That caused a bit of a problem as
they weren't subject to many of the diseases that affected mammals.
They were passed on to the next person who said to list the
diseases they WERE subject to and to indicate whether they had ever
had any of them, whether they received treatment for them, what
that treatment was and whether they were declared free of
contamination by a registered health official and/or agency and who
that official and/ or agency was. Tab listed every disease he could
think of (With the help of T6's computer banks) and said he hadn't
ever had any of them. It took hours and hundreds of pages. Kit was
told they were going to out-bureaucrat the bureaucrats on the
internals so Kit listed the same ones and put "no" after each of
them.

The woman's
eyes literally bugged out when she was handed the ten or twelve
kilos of paper.

"Were we
supposed to list any we were exposed to but didn't suffer from
separately?" Tab asked innocently.

"Oh, hell!" Kit
exclaimed. "They said to do that on the forms for mammals so we
were certainly supposed to do it! How stupid of us! Here, give us
that back and we'll add them."

The woman knew
she was going to have to enter every single item on those lists
into her computer and looked physically sick – but she was a
bureaucrat all the way! This work would at least guarantee her job
for a few twelthyears! Nobody was going to file a complaint against
someone if they might inherit the work she was doing!

"You must list
any of those which could affect anyone here," she said.