Finding Bliss (25 page)

“It’s no problem at all,” I said, keeping my comments deliberately short.

Dixie nodded slightly and looked around the room before speaking again. “As you know, Tylah is staying with us, and he would vereh much like to come home to you.”

I raised a brow. “I knew he was staying with you, but I was unaware he was so eager to come home.”

“Oh yes, and I think you both would be better off puttin’ this whole thing behind you.”

This whole
thing
? My body temperature began to rise. “That’s easier said than done, now, isn’t it?”

She shifted in her seat. “I don’t think so. We all know how hard marriage can be when we add certain challenges to the mix. Remember how I warned you that messing with fate might test your relationship?” she dared to remind me. “Tylah’s a good man, and he knows he made a mistake, but he loves you and the baby, and it’s time he came home.”

I looked down at my hands and closed my eyes for a second. “Well, I’m not ready for him to come home. And I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready after what he’s put me through. I’m guessing you know very few of the details, and I’ll keep it that way, but your son has not behaved like someone who loves me or values his marriage. Trust me.”

Dixie began to fidget and shake her head. She probably hated having her grown, married son back in his childhood bedroom, leaving dirty laundry on the floor and shaming the family. Again.

She continued, “Well, I know we wouldn’t want to raise a child all on our own now, would we? Imagine what this poor little boy is going to have to endure without a father around. Surely you will think of him when you’re making your decision.”

“Surely my son wouldn’t want me to compromise my integrity either.”

Just then, Rachel stuck her head in. “Sorry to interrupt, but you have that conference call now…on line two.”

I glanced at the blinking phone. “Thanks, Rachel. I need to take this,” I said to Tyler’s mom. “Thank you for checking in on me, Dixie.”

“Of course, dear.” She stood, smiled at Rachel, and left.

“It’s actually your friend Cam on the phone,” she said. “Perfect timing.”

“He always knows when I need him. Thanks.”

I lifted the receiver and pressed line two. “Hello?”

“I’m coming to Chicago tomorrow.”

I smiled and felt truly happy for a moment. “That’s the best thing I’ve heard all week.” Cam knew my situation. Mostly through texts and e-mails because I loathed recounting the details over the phone. He’d confessed that he had never been a huge fan of Tyler’s, but that was so easy to say given all that had happened. “What brings you to town?”

“I have some business. There’s a convention in Rosemont on Saturday.”

“Do you want to stay with me? I would love it. My house is so empty and quiet, and you know how I crave a little chaos.”

“Sure,” he said. “Couch or crib?”

“We have a fluffy queen-sized bed in the guest room with your name on it. I’ll even put magazines in the bathroom for you.”

“Wow.”

Cam landed in Chicago the next night and took a cab to my house. I ordered Chinese food, and we sat on the floor in front of the TV like old times.

“So what’s the plan?” he asked me. “I know you have a plan.”

I let out a small laugh. “Oh, I
had
plans.”

“Come on, seriously, I’m going to make you talk about this because I know you don’t want to.”

“And I’m going to make you go to a hotel.”

“Do you know what you’re going to do?”

I scooped a forkful of skinny noodles into my mouth and chewed before answering. “I’m not sure what will eventually end my marriage, Tyler’s affair or my pride.”

“Has he apologized? Does he want to make things work?” he asked.

“I really haven’t given him a chance to. I mean, let me rephrase that, he’s had plenty of chances, but I haven’t been willing to hear him out. Not yet.”

“Why not?”

I stretched my legs out in front of me and placed my plate on the coffee table. “I don’t want to talk over the phone, and I’m not ready to see him in person. I can’t tell you how hard it was to look at him when I realized he was lying to my face. I’m not sure I can stomach it again.”

Cameron nodded. “I get that, but you’re having a kid together in a few months. You need to get this over with, either way, and move forward. Do you know if he’s still seeing the girl?”

“According to his cousin’s wife, they’re over.”

Cam dug through the plastic bag that held our food and pulled out two fortune cookies. “Which one do you want?” he asked. “Make it good.”

I pointed to the one in his right hand, and he opened it for me.

“The object of your desire comes closer,” he read and pointed to himself.

I rolled my eyes. “Give me that,” I said, snatching it out of his hand. The words were exactly as he’d said them. I smiled and met his gaze. “It probably means the baby.”

“Probably.”

I placed the small piece of paper in my lap. “I’m sure you and every other guy out there are dying to be with a divorced single mother.”

“I never said that I was or I wasn’t. I was simply quoting Confucius.”

“I’m glad you’re here,” I said.

“I promise not to play on your vulnerabilities.” He smirked. “Too much.”

“Thank you.”

“I mean it, you know I want what’s best for you. But mostly I want you to have what you deserve, and you deserve to be happy. You need to be able to move on. Either you’re getting divorced or you’re going to forgive Tyler and move past it.”

“You make it sound so easy. Maybe the answer is in the last cookie? Let me have it.”

Cam tossed the fortune cookie at me, and I cracked it open over my plate. It read, “A good way to keep healthy is to eat more Chinese food.”

I
woke up the next morning and dialed Tyler’s cell phone. It’d been too long since I’d heard his voice, and he answered on the first ring.

“Hey,” he answered. I could hear the hopefulness in his voice in just that one word.

“I guess we should talk.”

“I’m ready, tell me when and where. Can I come by the house later?”

“Cam’s in town, and he’s staying here, so why don’t you come by the office tonight around six.”

He took a moment before answering. “I’ll see you at six.”

My hands were trembling when I hung up the phone.

Cam was at the kitchen island with his laptop and a cup of coffee when I went downstairs.

“I called Tyler,” I said.

“And?”

“And he’s going to come by the office tonight so that we can talk.”

He nodded. “What are you going to say?”

“I’m hoping to listen mostly. I’m not going to put any pressure on myself to make a decision.”

“Good luck with that.”

My workday was typically busy. I did my best to not watch the clock, but at five thirty, I began to get anxious. I told Rachel that
Tyler was coming by, and asked her to stay a little late to make sure that no one bothered us once he’d arrived.

She walked him in at five minutes to six.

“Thanks, Rachel,” I said and smiled at her. She shut the door on her way out.

Tyler walked over to give me a kiss, and I let him.

“Have a seat,” I said, and then shook my head at how formal that sounded.

Tyler sat in one of the chairs across from me, and his eyes went straight to my belly. “You look great,” he said.

“Thank you.”

“How do you feel?”

“Pretty good.”

Tyler leaned forward and clasped his hands, dropping them between his legs. He looked great himself. His hair was shorter and messy, and he was wearing the North Face winter coat I’d bought for him the year before.

“Do you want to take your coat off?” I asked.

“Oh yeah,” he said and shed his jacket behind him on the chair before leaning forward again. “Thanks for letting me see you.”

I smiled.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about what to say to you, and I just want to start with an apology. I’m really, really sorry for what I’ve done.” He struggled with the words, but I could tell he was being sincere.

I gently scratched the side of my nose. I could already tell I was going to cry at some point during this conversation and was regretting meeting at the office.

He continued, “I don’t have an excuse for what I did. You have to believe me when I say I never wanted to hurt you.”

I tilted my head and rolled my eyes as passively as I could. “Why did you go through with the IVF if you were unhappy? Why would you put us both through all this if it’s not what you wanted?”

He sat in silence for a moment before answering. “I didn’t want to add you to the list of people I’ve disappointed in my life.”

“Oh,
please
, you do not get to play the victim here.” I raised my voice, and then took a deep breath. “I’m sure you’re sorry, and I get that you think you can’t come up with an excuse, but I’m going to need some sort of an explanation for why you did this before I can even begin to consider forgiving you and moving forward. I don’t want excuses, I want answers.” I paused. “I said I was going to subpoena your phone and text records, and I did.” The reality of my comment hit him hard. He sat back in the chair, and his expression went blank. He probably had no memory of the things he’d texted to Miss Morgan, while I on the other hand, felt as though every single word had been engraved into my brain with a knife. “Maybe, if this had been a onetime thing, God, even a two-time thing, it would be easier for me to chalk it up to stress and pressure or whatever else you thought you were going through at the time. But this has been going on for months. You’ve bought gifts for her, and sent naked pictures to her, and she can smell your cologne on her tits.” He cringed. “What if I hadn’t caught you? Who knows how long this would’ve gone on?” I paused. “I realize we need to make a decision, but from where I sit now, I’m not willing to forgive you, and I don’t know if I ever will.”

Tyler looked defeated. He let out a long sigh and kept his eyes fixated on the floor in front of him. I wanted him to stand and beg and plead and make a case for us, but I knew it would never happen. Not because he didn’t want us to be together, but because he was incapable of fighting for what he wanted. He would take my words and assume I was putting up a wall between us. He would assume
that I wanted to be left alone, and that he should wait for my next cue. He would never believe that he could prove his strength and love to me by knocking that wall down and being the man I so desperately needed him to be right then.

But I refused to push him into it. He had to do it of his own volition for it to mean anything.

Tyler’s lips were closed when he looked up and smiled at me. “I understand. I just want you to know that I’m not seeing her anymore, and that I’m going to rent an apartment if I can’t come home.”

And that was it? He’d given up already?

“Okay, I’m sorry, but I’m just not ready,” I said.

“It’s fine, I get it. I hope we can still talk. I’d like to know how things are going with the baby.”

“Of course.”

Tyler and I stood and hugged. I was going to have to get him a new cologne if we were going to stay together.

I walked him to the elevator. As I returned to my office, I didn’t shed a single tear.

I
came home that night to find Cam in the kitchen, unloading an enormous feast from Morton’s Steakhouse. Two filets mignons, creamed spinach, lyonnaise potatoes, stone crab claws, and key lime pie.

“Good lord, this is all for the two of us?”

“You’re eating for two, so it’s technically three of us. How did it go with the big guy today?” Cam asked, pouring himself a glass of wine.

“He’s getting an apartment. He said he was sorry, and I believe him, but I’m not ready to forgive. And he was hardly begging to come home.”

“So you need more time.”

“Yeah, and I need to start interviewing nannies. How do you feel about kids?”

“They give me hives, but for you, I’d be willing to take Benadryl.”

I sat down next to Cam and marveled at the meal before us. I was starving, and so grateful that someone was looking after me, even if only for one night.

“Cam?”

“Chloe.”

“Why are you here?” I asked.

He stopped slicing his steak and turned to face me. “Why are you asking me that, all weird and dramatic?”

“It’s just that you’ve hardly left the house, and haven’t mentioned the convention or anything.”

“You think I have ulterior motives?”

I laughed. “Sort of.”

Cam placed his fork and steak knife down next to his plate. “I’m here on business, and I’m here for you.”

I stared into his eyes for a good long moment. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. May I continue eating?”

“You knew I needed you, didn’t you?”

“I knew you needed someone, and I knew you weren’t going to ask for help.”

“You know there couldn’t be a worse time for me to afford to get confused,” I said.

“That makes no sense.”

I looked away and took a sip of my ice water. “I mean, having you stay here, bringing me food and taking care of me. I don’t want you to leave,” I said, brows raised. “But I have to be able to focus on what’s right for me and the baby.”

“Look, I’m here because I care about you and I was worried about you. That’s all. I’m not trying to swoop in on my white horse and take you for my own. Do I want you to go back to Tyler? No. But you should know that no one is going to think less of you if you decide to take him back and try to make your marriage work. You do realize though, that if you’re going to accept his apology, you’re going to have to do it and live with it, because holding on to the betrayal will kill you.”

“I know.”

“You thought you were going to get some lustful confession out of me, didn’t you?”

I laughed again, and it felt really good. “I just don’t want to feel guilty for leaning on you, that’s all.”

Cameron pulled me close to him, and I rested my head on his shoulder. “Does this make you feel guilty?” he asked.

I smiled. “No, it feels fucking great.”

While Cam went to his convention that Saturday, I had a nanny candidate come to the house for an interview. She was a referral from Alexa, whom I’d met at the fertility clinic. Alexa’s first IVF treatment had not been successful, and she was gearing up for round two that winter. After she’d sent me the name of her sister’s nanny, I packed up the candlesticks that Cam had given me and sent them to her.