Everything is Changed (6 page)

alex

Today is my first official lesson in debating. Actually, to be honest, I'm not really sure what I'm doing here, but there's all this pressure to take on extra-curricular activities and Tone said debating was a good one, although I think his idea of ‘good' means getting to hang out with girls. I wanted to investigate the drama club but when I sussed Tone out about it, he looked at me like I was nuts. I have to find a way to make Tone get why I want to do drama. I haven't admitted to anyone here how I feel about acting. I know it's not really something they're going to understand. So for the moment, I've joined up for debating, which Ellie laughed at when I told her.

Tone doesn't know yet that Ellie and I aren't together any more, but it doesn't actually make any difference because he never took my relationship with her seriously anyway. Kept saying it was like a family with BMWs trying to get used to driving a Ford, and it would never work in the long run. I wanted to punch him when he made that analogy but nobody ever punches Tone. Everyone at school knows he's full of shit, but he's the social glue in the world I now find myself in, so I'm sort of stuck with him. Also his dad is someone my dad thinks is just about the most impressive and influential person of all time. Tone's dad is this bigwig in commercial business, and my dad is pumped I'm hanging out with his son. So whatever I think of Tone and some of his stupid ideas, I'm riding it, because I know one day he's going to come in very handy at home.

‘You ready, Alex?'

It's Murphy, another new friend. He's a bit more serious than Tone and he actually likes debating because he likes debating, not because he likes checking out girls.

‘Yeah, ready as I'll ever be.'

I'm nervous as hell. This is my first debate with a team from another school. All we've done so far is practice debates at school and that's kind of okay because you're debating against other kids you know. But today we're competing against a team from a girls' school and I really don't want to screw it up. Murphy always delivers the concluding speech, so I'll be second and Tone will be first. Today we're doing a secret debate, which means we won't know the subject until we get to the other school and then we have one hour to work out our arguments. That's the bit that terrifies me most. What if I can't think of something good to say? It's fine when you can pre-prepare over weeks and learn a sort of script, but this requires fast thinking.

We walk through the gates to the girls' school. I haven't been here before, so I have no idea where the small theatrette is, meaning I have to blindly follow Tone, Murphy and the others, feeling more and more like the outsider I am.

‘Wonder if Jasmine's in the team,' I hear Murphy say to Tone.

‘Hope so,' laughs Tone.

Murphy turns to me and says very seriously, ‘I hope not. She always creams us.'

‘Yeah, but she's hot,' says Tone, earning a punch in the shoulder from Murphy. I try to ignore them. For one crazy second I actually wish I were back at my old school with Jake. Instead I'm about to stand behind a lectern and make a seven-minute argument on a yet-to-be-disclosed subject. My head is buzzing. I try to slow my breathing and it's working until Tone slaps me on the back, a crazy grin across his face.

‘This way, boys,' says our supervising teacher, Mr Mallison, as we walk towards a row of glass doors. This school looks so similar to ours it's no wonder it claims to be our sister school. We walk into the theatrette. It's cool and smells decidedly nicer than ours does. Sass always jokes that all the girls in her class hate going to the boys' school because the buildings smell like sweat and stinky feet. Maybe she's right.

A young female teacher suddenly materialises in front of us like she's a ghostly spirit and hits Mr Mallison with a big friendly smile.

‘Even the teachers are hot,' whispers Tone. I don't bother responding. There's some sort of brief welcome and then the teacher called Miss Park tells us the girls are already on stage waiting for us. By now my stomach is somersaulting wildly and I just want to run. Walking through to the stage area, I see the lectern. And the microphone. And the girls in school uniforms standing to one side. They seem to be sussing us out as much as we are them. They look just like older versions of my sister with their long hair in neat ponytails or plaits. I barely look at them and instead pretend to find the fingers on my left hand intensely interesting.

‘So I bet you're all wondering what the subject is for today's debate,' says Miss Park. She's met with a few nervous giggles.

‘Well, it's a heavy one … it's “That Civilisation Has Failed”.'

‘Groan,' says Tone under his breath and for once I agree with him.

‘Obviously you can take it to mean whatever you like as long as your team has a strong cohesive argument. Let's do scissors, paper, rock to see which team takes which argument. Can I have a boy and a girl step forward, please?' says Miss Park. Tone steps forward automatically and that's fine by me. Today he can take control of whatever he likes. I'm happy in the shadows. A girl with an incredibly long blonde plait steps forward for the girl's team.

‘Okay, Jasmine and Anthony, ready?'

I'm amazed that Miss Park knows Tone's name. I guess that's the thing with these schools – everyone knows everyone. But to hear him called Anthony is strange. Nobody calls him that at our school. Not even the teachers.

I watch Tone smile at Jasmine as he puts out his hand and they do scissors, paper, rock. Tone makes a rock and Jasmine makes paper. The girls win.

‘Sorry,' says Tone, trudging back to us like he's lost something monumental. He hates losing.

‘We pick affirmative,' says the girl.

‘Okay, so boys, you're arguing for the negative,' says Miss Park and I automatically wonder what that means I should be arguing. That civilisation hasn't failed?

‘You have an hour to prepare your argument. Sarah will hand out pens and paper so you can prepare some points.'

A girl with long red hair pulled into a slightly messy ponytail comes over to hand out the stationery.

‘Hey, Sarah, how's it going?' says Tone, taking the pens. The girl just glances across at him like he's not even there, then turns and walks away. As Tone, Murphy and I move towards our table and chairs on one side of the stage, Tone whispers to me, ‘Her old man died last year. Some accident on the freeway. She's been all weird ever since.'

Tone's words worm their way into my brain. I stop moving.

‘Was he an architect?' I say, trying to make the connection without giving anything away.

Tone shrugs and then turns to me. ‘Yeah. Think so. He worked with Bernie's dad.'

I don't know who Bernie is and I don't care. My legs have started shaking like they can't possibly hold me up. Tone and Murphy must have sprinted to the table because they are already huddled together with Mr Mallison and there's an empty chair waiting for me. But I don't think I'll make it. The red-headed girl is his daughter. The one Jake tracked down. The one who wrote the thank-you card that is still jammed under all my jocks in the drawer. And now she's here about to argue that civilisation has failed. I reckon she'll have some pretty good things to say about that.

‘Alex?'

I can feel the vomit rushing up my throat.

‘I'm sick,' I say, running from the stage and out into the foyer. Of course I can't find the boys' toilets anywhere so I run straight for the girls' ones. I slam through the door and throw up in the nearest toilet.

‘Ew, gross,' says a voice behind me, and I realise I haven't even locked the cubicle. I kick it with my foot but I can hear giggling as the door swings open again and I wipe my mouth with the sleeve of my blazer. I can't go back. I can't watch her debate on stage and then go up against her. What if she knows who I am? What if she can just tell by looking at me that I'm responsible for ruining her life? What if she remembers my name from the funeral?

‘Worried you're going to get beaten?' says the voice again.

I turn, trying to see who is talking, and then realise I'm still squatting on the floor.

I jump up and see it's that girl Jasmine from the other team. She's putting on lipstick in the mirror and then wiping it off with a tissue so it's barely noticeable. And once again, I can't believe how different the rules are at these schools compared with my old one.

‘We always win. Don't stress,' she says with a sort of sarcastic grin and then brushes past me and out the door. I know that's what they're all going to think when I pike. That I'm chicken. That I can't handle it. I'm sure it'll get back to Sass too that her big brother bottled out.

As I splash water on my face, I look at myself in the mirror, for the first time in a really long time. I don't look any different than I did before. My eyebrows are still thick. My nose is still straight. My eyes are the same ones that Ellie used to say she loved. I look the same as I did. It's Jake's fault. If he'd just left it alone. Like Mum used to say to me when I picked my scabs on my knees and made them bleed over and over again until they scarred. Except our scars are invisible. And they won't ever heal.

‘For shit's sake, Alex, you look great,' says Tone, banging into the toilets. ‘You trying to pick up?'

‘Nah, I'm sick,' I say, frowning to try and make myself look as pale as I feel.

But he just shrugs. ‘Too bad, mate. We're up soon.'

I shake my head. There's no way I can do this. ‘I'm going home.'

He laughs like I'm the joke. ‘You don't go home from a debate. This is not some shitty high school. This is about honour. And respect. And giving it to the girls.'

I wouldn't take it normally, but today, Tone insulting my old school and being a complete arse is nothing compared to what will happen if I freak out and run. Or if that girl connects the dots.

‘It's piss easy. Just say what we've written for you. Come on,' he says, holding open the door for me. As I walk out in front of him, I try and breathe. Nobody knows. Nobody knows. Nobody knows.

I can do this. I hear Tone explain that I'm after Jasmine and that I just have to expand on the points Murphy's written for me, and bat down anything Jasmine says. He makes it sound so simple. I know it's not, but I also know that if I want to survive in this new world, I have to play by Tone's rules. And pulling out of something like a debate last minute is not going to make him think fondly of me. In fact it'll spread around our school in seconds and pretty soon I'll be labelled.

I feel Tone's hand on my shoulder as we reach the heavy doors, like he's steering me back in.

‘You'll be fine. It's only a practice,' says Tone in a voice I haven't heard before. Like maybe he understands, even if he thinks it's just nerves.

I can do this. Nobody knows.

I walk through the theatre and up onto the stage where everyone is waiting. I risk a glance at the girls' table, just to check if Sarah has worked out who I am, and if she's watching me, ready to pounce. Of course she isn't. She's concentrating on the papers in front of her. Then I look along the team and see Jasmine blowing on the lenses in her glasses, and wiping a tissue around and around to clear the smears. She sees me watching and blows me a kiss.

Nobody knows.

jake

I have a new plan. This week is my ‘trying to forget' week. This is my normal day. Where I'm just a kid at school learning about oxygen and barium and buying a day-old pie for lunch. I've even had a shower. And so far, so good. The two morning classes sped by without me feeling too far behind and now I've got a lunch meeting with Mr Cap. I'm hoping it means I've been accepted into the science program over the summer break that he told me to apply for. I'm glad Mum made me come to school today because it feels like it could be a good day after all. Ellie's agreed to hang out and study together, so it's looking up already.

As I walk out of the cafeteria, I see Lucas and Tien watching something on a laptop. They're huddled together so tightly their heads are touching. I can't help it. I walk over.

‘Howdy,' I say. I get a half smile from one and nothing from the other. So I sit down really close to them and try to see what they're looking at.

But Lucas slams the screen of his laptop shut and glares at me. ‘Haven't seen you in a while,' he says.

I frown. I don't understand what I've done. ‘I've been sick.'

‘Not what I heard. Heard you were wagging. Heard you're this close,' he holds his fingers together, ‘to being thrown out.'

I roll my eyes. ‘As if.'

Tien leans towards me. ‘I heard you were hanging out in the city trying to glimpse Alex in his fancy uniform.'

This time I laugh and they loosen up a bit too. ‘I heard I was in jail,' I say dryly.

Lucas fixes me with a stare that he uses when he's trying to work out who your current crush is. He's been using it since year seven and it's pretty pathetic. I glare back and he gives up and looks away.

‘So I need to know what I've missed. Can I read your notes for maths?'

Tien sighs like it's all a drag. ‘Yeah. I guess. But stop cutting classes. I have no one to compete with in science if you aren't around.'

‘Okay. Deal,' I say, holding out my hand to shake Tien's. ‘You going to show me what you're watching now?'

Lucas smiles and opens his laptop. He hits a button and a flash of bodies appears on the screen. Porn? I look closer, realising it's two bulked-up men in skimpy satin costumes.

‘Wrestling?' I say incredulously.

They both laugh like it's the funniest thing in the world. If only Alex was still here. I'd have someone to save me from this crap.

‘I've got a meeting with Mr Cap. I'll see you clowns later.'

I can hear them yelling at the screen as I walk away.

The science lab is in the new part of the school built a few years ago. It's clean and white and impressive. Most of the other classes are in rooms in the old red brick building that has a smell no amount of cleaning products will ever remove. The science lab is my favourite part of our school. And Mr Cap is my favourite teacher. He's taught me science for the last two years and I think it's because of him I love science so much. He's not interested in small talk or working out why you're in a bad mood one day. He's not one of those teachers who intrude in the name of wellbeing. He just teaches you stuff.

The first class I had with him he asked if anyone knew any scientific principles that we thought would stand up to rigorous testing. Everyone was looking at their books, shuffling papers, and trying not to catch his eye. Normally I wouldn't be the first to speak in a class, but that day, I think I had something to prove and I put my hand up. I told him I thought the law of cause and effect was a pretty robust principle. Alex had nudged me with his elbow, impressed.

Mr Cap smiled. Apparently my answer had just proven why science was so important. He went on to explain that some scientists do indeed believe that whatever you send into the universe comes back, and that every cause has its effect; and every effect, its cause. But that particular principle leaves no room for a thing called chance. And there is every possibility that the evolution of the planet was just one big magnificent accident.

Mr Cap then wrote on the whiteboard in a red marker: ‘It is impossible to establish complete causality. That nobody can guarantee the particular manipulation of a variable is the sole reason for the perceived outcome.'

There were sighs around the classroom, like science had just gotten hard. But Mr Cap didn't seem to notice.

My ears went red first. I felt stupid. Like the only time I put myself out there, I got it wrong. But instead of trying to humiliate me, Mr Cap explained how impressed he was that I'd know any of this at all. He said if we all came here to learn each week and left our prior beliefs at the door, we'd all make great scientists one day, because we'd be able to prove things for ourselves. That's what science was. The chance to test out a theory and find a definitive answer. Alex walked out of the class underwhelmed, but I was sold from that very moment.

I can see Mr Cap through the window. He's reading at one of the desks and I knock lightly on the door. He takes ages to look up, but when he does he gets up straightaway and walks over to unlock the door.

‘Jake,' he says, like he hasn't seen me in a really long time.

‘Hey, Mr Cap,' I say, heading to the desk where he's sitting and feeling like I belong here.

‘How are you?'

Sitting down, I go to answer, but stop myself. I can't just lie to Mr Cap. It's not right. ‘I'm okay. You know.'

‘I don't know, but I can make an educated guess,' he says with a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. ‘Is there anything wrong?'

I shuffle my feet, and lean back in my chair, wanting some space from the conversation. I wonder what Mr Cap's take on cause and effect would be if I told him what we did. Would he revise his scientific theory?

‘Nah,' I say finally.

He nods. ‘Well, I wanted to see you, Jake.'

‘Is it about the science program?'

He nods slowly and my stomach shifts. This is what I need. Something to look forward to.

‘Unfortunately, due to your poor attendance lately, the principal's decided to send someone else.'

‘What?'

‘I'm sorry, Jake. You're the best student here but you've missed days of school. And without any real explanation.'

‘Not that many days,' I say, my mind running backwards trying to count them all.

‘Thirteen actually. That's almost three weeks and we're only in week six of term.'

I can feel my face growing hot and the blush starting to spread.

‘But I won't miss another day. I promise. I'm here today.'

He nods and I see the bald spot on the top of his head and for some reason it really disappoints me.

‘It wasn't my decision to make.'

‘This sucks,' I say, feeling like my body is about to explode.

‘I know. But there's always next year. And there's the science prize. It's not done, Jake. This isn't everything.'

But it is, Mr Cap. Don't you get it? This is everything.

‘I've got class,' I say, getting up and making the stool leg drag along the floor like I know Mr Cap hates.

I make it to the door before my eyes flood with tears.

‘I'll see you this afternoon, Jake. We're doing prac.'

Not me, Mr Cap. I'm going to the skate park. I let the door slam behind me as I wipe the bottom of my t-shirt across my face, removing any sign of emotion. The corridor is almost empty because everyone is outside having lunch. I make it to my locker without seeing anyone I know. I leave all my schoolbooks and just grab my empty backpack. I'm not planning on coming back for a while.

‘Boo,' says a voice behind my locker.

I know from the striped socks and the red Converse that it's Ellie. Not even the thought of talking to her makes me want to stay.

‘I got you the last pie. You owe me five bucks,' she says.

I sling my backpack over my shoulder as she closes the locker door and hands me a paper bag that feels a bit damp because it's so hot.

‘Hey, you okay?' she says, inspecting my face.

‘Yeah. Headache.'

‘Thought we were going to study?'

‘I'm going home.'

‘No you're not. You're going to fail if you keep this up. Come on. Let's go study. We've got a free period next. Then it's prac. Your favourite.'

The pie bag is starting to burn my hand. I slide the pie out and bite the stiff-edged pastry. Ellie leans forward and takes a bite too and grins at me. ‘Okay, you only owe me $2.50 if we share.'

‘Here. You have it. I'm not hungry anyway,' I say, handing her the bag. ‘I'm going.'

I manage four or five steps before she yells after me, ‘I bought you a pie! And you're leaving? Not cool, Jake. Not cool at all.'

Yep. Don't I know it.