My eyes puddle and I laugh, “Do you know that I’ve been holding back those words since our first night together? I was afraid of scaring you off, though. I also worried that I didn’t deserve your love; but I’ve decided that, deserved or not, I’d be a fool to deny us again.”
His brow furrows. “Why would think you don’t deserve my love? That’s ridiculous. You’re the most deserving person I know.”
Hadn’t I just thought this same sentiment about him? Instead of answering him, I lean in and give him another kiss.
Baby steps, I think.
Over his delicious dinner, we talk about his friend from the store and the party that’s planned for the night. He tells me that it’s a going away party for his cousin, and I insist that we should go.
“I don’t know that that would be a wise thing for me to do. I try to avoid hanging out with my old crowd, ya know? Wagon. Temptation. All that.”
“I’ll be there to protect you,” I promise.
He takes a deep breath and releases it. “Aah…I can’t resist you. OK. We’ll go.”
“Speaking of old relationships,” I start but pause to take a sip of my water, “I’m thinking it’s time I paid my dad a visit.” I know my next admission is bound to bring on a round of uncomfortable questions, but he has to know. “I haven’t seen him since I graduated high school.”
“Really? I take it your last visit didn’t end well.”
That’s the understatement of the year. “No, it sure didn’t. We have some hard feelings that I think I should try to assuage.”
He sees right through me. “That sounds terribly impassionate, which is not the Lorraina I know.”
I drop my fork on my plate, making it clatter. “Well, Michael, he’s hurt me so many times, over and over; so I guess it is a form of self-preservation. Honestly, I wish I could I forget about him all together, but every time I try…I just feel myself being pulled back towards him. Guilt, I guess.”
He seems to consider this for a moment. “You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.” He seems to consider his next words carefully. “Ya know, I went to see him right after he burned your house down.”
“You what?!”
“Yep, I had it in my head that I was going to beat him down until he begged for mercy. I’ve never wanted to hurt someone so badly. Well…he’s one of two someones I wanted to beat down that badly, but that’s another story. Anyway, when I got to ya’ll’s property and saw your home was in ashes and that tree that you always took pictures by was scorched, and your grandparents were so torn up, all I wanted to do was be with you. Nothing else mattered. Not even my vengeance. He was long gone by then anyway.”
I smile as I remember my favorite tree that I made my mom take all my pictures by. It was a mimosa tree with silky soft pink flowers. How is possible to miss a tree? “I never knew you went to see him. Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
“I don’t know. I guess I figured it wouldn’t make any difference. I wasn’t able to exact my revenge in your honor,” he grins the young boy smile I remember from long ago.
“As contradictory as it may seem, I think it’s sweet that you wanted to inflict bodily harm on my father. I dreamt of it for years myself.”
“
You
dreamt of revenge?” he gives me a doubtful look.
“I did. I always thought, had I been there, I would have grabbed his shotgun, loaded it, and made it explode within him as soon as he spread those first drops of kerosene. I wanted to save my mother and brothers from all the pain they had to endure at his malicious hands.”
I didn’t realize tears were streaming down my cheeks until Michael was kneeling beside me and kissing them away. “You know? He hurt you too. Maybe it’s not a good idea that you go and see him. It still seems too…fresh for you. Raw.”
“How do you get over something like that? I don’t think about it on a daily basis, so it doesn’t control who I am every single day; but when I do stop to consider it, it overwhelms me. We didn’t just lose our home that day. We lost everything: our family, our way of life, our horses, our community.”
I don’t know how long we held each other. It was long enough that the loss I was feeling was replaced with the fullness of Michael. I don’t know if he has any idea how good for me he is; my mind whirls, trying to find a way to express how truly significant he is to me.
I try with my words, “Michael, I’m sorry that I wasted all those years. I will spend the rest of my life showing you and telling you and proving to you how very much I love you.”
I hesitate and meld Gibran’s words with my own, “The gates of my heart were flung open, and my joy flew far across the years, the miles, the room when I saw you that first night.” I seal my promise to us with a searing kiss.
Chapter Twenty
Wanted
The party is much like I remember high school parties—a lot of people drinking and bumping into each other constantly. Michael and I both abstain from drinking. As soon as the crowd starts to die down, more people filter in and revive it. It’s on one of these legs of newcomers that some girls I remember from high school show. Michael and I visit with them for a little while, catching up on the area’s latest happenings. After a few minutes, a guy who Michael introduced me to earlier appears at his side and tells him that his cousin is asking for him in the back. Michael gives me a questioning look, so I assure him that I’ll be fine.
I visit with the girls for a while, learning all about who is dating who, who is pregnant, who’s gone to jail recently, who’s hooked on which drug. It doesn’t take long for me to remember, in all its vivid detail, why I’ve gotten out here and, up until a few days ago, sworn that I’d never be back.
“So, you and Michael?” one of them hedges.
“We’re just hanging out,” I struggle for detached when I really want to shout,
Yes, Yes, can you believe it? We finally made our way back to one another!!!!
Her next question snaps me out of my internal diatribe.
“Would your parents approve? Weren’t they really weird about who you dated?”
“Um…well…I…I am almost twenty-two.”
“True, I was just curious.”
“My mom always loved Michael.” I recall our conversation from a few days ago.
I mentally amend she just wouldn’t appreciate him right now.
“Well, I for one am thrilled for you guys. He’s loved you as long as I can remember,” another of the girls chimes in.
I look at her for a trace of sarcasm or disbelief. I smile and reply, “Thank you,” when I find no evidence of either. Someone sincere. Who would’ve thought?
I decide that Michael’s had long enough with his cousin, so I say my goodbyes and make my way to the back of the house. As I round the corner, I run smack dab into
him
. “Oh,” my breath escapes me. I didn’t expect this. What is he even doing here? My eyes dart around him to search for Michael. I need to get away from
him
now.
“Lorraina,” he breathes my name heavily. It doesn’t take long for the smell of alcohol to reach my nose. Not much has changed with him I see.
“Um…hi. Excuse me?” My calm words are in direct contrast to the tugging I feel in my gut. I try to move around him. Catching me by surprise, he puts his arms up on either side of me and backs me into the wall, effectively caging me in with his upper body.
“Where ya going? Don’t you have a minute to catch up with me?” He leans in and I have to turn my head to hide my gagging.
“No, not really. Someone is waiting on me.”
“Oh, yeah. Mike Bang. I saw you two talking earlier. Are you with him?”
I tilt my head up and meet his gaze dead on. “Yes.”
“Really? Even after he beat the shit out of me?”
“What?!”
“Oh, yeah, I guess he had it in his head he was defending your honor. That’s really not possible since you have no honor, right? He didn’t really give me the chance to explain that to him, unfortunately. Maybe I should find him and explain that now.” He turns to go, and I grab his arm to spin him towards me. Before I can beg him not to seek Michael out, he seethes, “Did you have a miscarriage or an abortion, Lorraina?”
I gasp, “What are you talking about?”
“Don’t mess around with me! I know you were pregnant. That day when you gave me all those hypotheticals. You were pregnant, weren’t you?”
I clench my teeth and spew my disgust at him with my one word reply, “NO.”
“You know I’ve thought about you over the years and wondered what ever happened to you. It’s like you dropped off the planet.” He leans in further and runs his fingers up my jaw. It’s all I can do not to slap him. “You know, you were a good piece of ass. A little rigid but definite slut potential. Don’t you ever think about me?”
“You know you were the only person I was ever with, and I didn’t drop off the planet. I just moved on, which I suggest you do. And to answer your question, yes, I’ve thought about you over the years and each time and every time I do I have to fight the urge to throw up,” I hiss each word at him so that he’s backed off of me a little, and I’m able to drop under and escape his outstretched arm.
I need some fresh air before I can see Michael. I make it out onto the front porch. Thank God no one I know is out here. I find myself a little corner and slide down onto my haunches, breathing deeply to try to catch my breath. I think I handled that encounter as well as I could’ve. I don’t think he would dare tell anyone of all that transpire
d between us for fear of making himself look bad, but I still can’t take that chance. I have to talk to Michael about it before he hears it from someone else.
I don’t know how long I sit on the porch. I know it’s a while, though, because I look around and realize that I’m alone out here. I stand and stretch. My legs are screaming at me. I can’t believe Michael has not come looking for me. The only reason I could stand to be away from him this long is because I just got mindfucked by the pervert. I wish I could’ve stood up to him before he spewed his venom at me. What’s wrong with me?
I go back inside the house and try to make my way towards the back again. I give the room a cursory glance for Michael, but he’s not in here. Unfortunately, I see
him
talking to another girl in much the same way he was talking to me in the hallway. Is that the only way he can get a girl now? Cornering her and intimidating her. What’s a thirty year old doing at a twenty something’s party anyway?
Oh yeah, mentally he’s about fourteen, so I guess he fits right in.
I speed down the hallway and see Michael’s cousin standing in the middle of it speaking to another guy in hushed tones. He jerks his head quickly when he spots me. “Hey, Lorraina. I was about to come and find you. Mike told me to find you and give the keys to his Jeep. He told me to tell you to go ahead and grab your car from his apartment and that he’d call you tomorrow. You can leave his keys under his mat.” He thrusts the Jeep keys towards me with a barely contained look of disgust.
I stare at them in confusion. What?! Just like that. Relegated to nothing more than a few obligatory details. “Um…OK. Is he OK?” I venture.
“Yeah, he’s good. I’ll bring him home in a little while.”
“Did something happen?”
“Other than seeing you talking to your ex?” His snarky comment catches me off guard.
Oh no.
“No, it wasn’t like that,” I try to tell him.
“Well, that’s not the way Mike saw it.”
“Can I see him please?”
“He doesn’t want to see you right now. He said he’d call you tomorrow, OK?”
“OK.” I turn to go but turn back to plead one more time, “Will you tell him that I was caught by surprise and it really wasn’t like that?” I have to get out of here before I start crying. He nods his head. “Thanks.” I turn to get to the Jeep as quickly as possible. I don’t want anyone to see me cry. I feel crushed. I start the Jeep and figure how to make it go, which isn’t easy through my tear-laden haze. Beginning to fume, I wonder if he thought of that when he made his little plan to avoid me. He should trust me more than that. Outrage replaces despair: how dare he not give me a chance to explain or confront me at the very least?
I pull up outside his apartment and lay my head on the steering wheel in an effort to get my mind to stop spinning. I’m not going home. He will not send me away like I’m inconsequential or a mere inconvenience.
I shuffle up his steps and lean back on his door. I don’t want to go in without him; it’ll be too depressing. I slump down and bring my knees up to my chest and rest my head on them. I replay all the events of the last few days. We’ve had an amazing reunion. How could it have gone sour so quickly? And not even from the thing that I feared but from something completely unexpected.
He
wasn’t harboring any long lost love feelings for me. I wasn’t that naïve. I was always a conquest to him. The good girl—gone bad just for him. It was never really about me. Look at the way he spoke to me. I finally have a shot at happiness and with someone I’ve known and loved since I was thirteen years old. I will NOT let either of them ruin this. I will explain everything to him. We will be OK.
I briefly consider journaling while I wait. The next thing I am aware of is someone coming my way. I rouse myself. I must’ve dozed off. I jump to my feet as I see Michael leaning on his cousin for support as they make their way to the top of the stairs. I rush over and grab Michael’s other arm.