Dunc Gets Tweaked (5 page)

At the zoo they looked for the bird and monkey exhibit, and they found it in a matter of minutes. They came to a large cage full of trees so thick, they couldn’t see the far side. It was also filled with the music of singing birds, and monkeys were climbing through the branches and over rocks on the ground, squawking at each other. There was a large pile of rocks in the back with a small cave in the side.

A big chimpanzee was sitting at the cave entrance scratching its armpit. It looked at Amos and puckered its lips.

“There it is,” Dunc said. He pointed to one of the trees in the front. The old parrot was sitting on a branch with its eyes closed, not moving. As they watched, it opened one eye, looked at them, belched, and went to the bathroom all over a baboon that was sitting underneath it. The baboon screamed, and the parrot mimicked it.

“Now it swears in baboonese too,” Amos said. “Can I borrow your helmet and glasses, Lash?”

“Rad.” Lash handed the helmet and glasses to Amos.

Dunc watched. “What do you need those for?”

“If we’re going to be anywhere close to that bird, I want to have as much of my body covered as possible.”

“Come on, Amos—there’s nothing to worry about.”

“Right.” Amos snorted. “Tell that to the baboon.”

The parrot looked at them but didn’t say anything.

“Bird,” Lash said. “Awesome.”

“You should hear it talk,” Amos said.
“You wouldn’t believe some of the things it can say.”

“Ear me.”

Amos whispered something in his ear.

“Rad.” Lash smiled. “Body parts.”

Dunc peered through the bars. “I don’t see Maggie anywhere,” he said.

“Bummer.”

“You guys be careful,” Amos said.

Dunc looked over his shoulder. “Be careful about what?”

Amos pointed at the parrot. It was standing on one foot and eyeing them intently.

“He can’t hit us from there.”

“I wouldn’t bet on that.”

“All right,” Dunc said, “Emile and Claude must have gone into the cage.” He moved to the cage door and tried to open it. It was locked.

“Do you suppose they have a key?” Amos asked.

“They might,” Dunc said, “but it seems to me the zoo keepers would keep a pretty tight hold on cage keys. They wouldn’t want just anyone going into the lion cage.”

“They must wait until the door’s unlocked,” Amos said.

Dunc looked into the keyhole. “When would that be?”

“When they feed the animals,” Amos said. “They usually feed them in the evenings and mornings.”

Dunc walked back from the cage and stepped into the bushes on the far side of the walk. “Let’s wait in here.”

“Why?”

“If the only time Emile and Claude can get in the cage is when the animals are being fed, they might show up now.”

“Good idea.” Amos and Lash joined him.

They hid themselves just in time. In a few moments they heard the screech of wheels badly in need of oiling, and they saw an old man with a big gray moustache pushing a cart loaded with every kind of animal food in the world. He was singing loudly and so badly out of tune, it almost screeched.

“It’s making my teeth loose,” Amos said.

“Be quiet.” Dunc poked him.

The old man stopped in front of the bird
and monkey exhibit. The animals started hopping up and down and chattering excitedly.

“Calm down,” the old man said. “It’s not like you haven’t eaten for a week. And quit jabbering so loudly. I’m not completely deaf.”

He took a key out of his pocket and unlocked the door, but he held back and didn’t open it.

“Here, Kissing Gertie.” From the top of the cart he took a banana and threw it through the bars. It landed in front of the pile of rocks. The big chimpanzee smiled, picked up the banana, and began eating it, smacking its lips. With its mouth full of banana it looked to where Amos was hiding and smiled again. Crushed banana goo squeezed out between its yellow teeth. The man opened the door and pushed the cart through. Shutting the door, he moved toward the back of the exhibit. All the animals except the parrot and Gertie followed him. Soon they were all lost in the trees. The old man had left the door unlocked.

“Let’s go,” Dunc said. He stepped out of the bushes.

As they went into the cage, Amos looked at the parrot. It was watching him with a funny look his face.
He’s smiling
, Amos thought—
he’s giving me a parrot smile
. He pulled Lash’s helmet tight down on his head, adjusted the sunglasses, and followed Dunc and Lash into the cage.

“Maggie must be in that little cave,” Dunc said, pointing. Amos followed his finger. The chimpanzee had disappeared, leaving half its banana by the cave entrance.

“Where’s Gertie?” he asked.

“She must have gone with the other animals. Come on.” He led the way back toward the cave.

There was a sudden guttural scream out of the trees behind them, and Amos jumped at least four feet in the air. He turned around just in time to see a huge furry creature with arms that looked a mile long leap out of a tree and grab him.

Whummph!

The creature’s face was only an inch from his. It pulled its lips back to reveal long yellow teeth. He managed one short scream as the mouth came toward him for what he was sure would be the kill.

“Ah-hmmph.” His voice was muffled by loud smacking sounds as the creature wrapped its leathery lips around his face. He tore his mouth free for a quick gulp of air and a cry.

“It’s Kissing Gertie! Help mmph—”

Dunc and Lash turned around. Amos was lying on the ground. Gertie had her arms wrapped around his shoulders and her legs wrapped around his waist. She looked as if she had about half of Amos’s skull down her throat. They tried to pull her off, but her arms were like iron. Dunc shook his head. “So this is the monster guarding the skateboard.”

“Rad,” Lash said. “Gross. Rad. Puke.”

“Help.…”

“Good job, Amos,” Dunc said. “She’s not really hurting you. Keep her busy while we look for the board.”

Amos managed to pull his mouth away from Gertie’s puckered lips. “Don’t just stand there, help mmph—” Gertie gave him a wet one.

Dunc watched Amos spit a chunk of prechewed banana out of his mouth.

“I don’t know how much time we have,” Dunc said.

“Dunc—” Amos fought to get his head clear.

“What?”

“I’m going to kill you. I’m going to kill you bad.”

“Pretend she’s Melissa.”

Amos tried to say something more, but Gertie’s lips muffled his reply. Dunc and Lash went into the cave.

There was a sharp turn right after the entrance, and just out of sight was a barred door blocking off a little room. Dunc tried the door and found it unlocked. They went into the room. Maggie was on the floor.

“Awesome.” Lash ran and picked up the board and held it in his arms.

“We have to get out of here,” Dunc said.

“Jam.” He followed Dunc out of the cave.

Amos was still on the ground with Gertie on top of him. He was fighting her off, but his movements were getting weaker.

Lash waved as they went by. “Rad.”

“We have to help him.” Dunc stopped. He looked down and saw the half-eaten banana the zookeeper had thrown to her earlier. He picked it up and threw toward Gertie. She climbed off of Amos and chased down the banana.

Amos groaned and rose slowly to his feet. The sunglasses were sucked halfway off his face, and his eyes looked glazed behind them.

“Are you all right?” Dunc asked.

Amos leaned over with his hands on his knees and shook his head. When he straightened up, his eyes were clearer.

“Never,” he said, “kiss a monkey.”

“Let’s get going.” Dunc took a step toward Amos, then stepped back again. “Whew, Amos. Don’t get too close. You smell something awful.”

“I know, I know,” Amos said, “just like Emile and Claude, or like Uncle Alfred’s socks.”

Dunc grimaced. “Even worse.”

Gertie had finished her banana. She looked at Amos and smiled coyly.

“We better get out of here,” Amos said. “Now. I don’t want to go through that again.”

“And if Emile and Claude catch us here,” Dunc said, “we’re—”

“You’re what?” A man’s voice stopped them.

The boys turned. Emile and Claude were standing in the cage door, watching them.

The men stood in the doorway with their hands on their hips. Emile was in front, and he smiled.

“Ah, so what is this?” Emile said. “A rescue party for a skateboard?” He chuckled.

“I think the rescue party is going to need a rescue party,” Claude said. He smiled and pushed the sleeves of his raincoat up forearms that looked like raw hams. They stepped forward.

“Get back, get back, you mangy animals!”

Emile and Claude looked over the three
boys’ shoulders. Amos, Dunc, and Lash turned around. The old zookeeper was trotting up from the rear of the exhibit, desperately throwing bananas over his shoulder as he went. A crowd of monkeys was chasing him, grabbing the bananas before they could reach the ground.

“I tell ya,” the old man said, “I give you monkeys one banana, and you take two. I give you two bananas, and you take three. When’s it going to end? This is blackmail, you know.” He looked up, saw the crowd of humans in the exhibit, and stopped. “Oh, hello,” he said.

“So now we have another member of the party,” Claude said. “No matter.”

Just at that moment the parrot, sitting on a tree branch directly above Claude, looked over its shoulder, belched once for luck, aimed carefully, and let loose.

Emile turned around to see what his partner was cursing about. A happy scream came from the tree branches, and Kissing Gertie exploded out of the brush. She grabbed Emile. Hard.

“Not again, you hmmph—” Emile said as
he fell backward. The parrot sat above them on the tree branch, nodding its head up and down, laughing.

“Run!” Dunc shouted. They dodged past the cursing thugs and ran toward the zoo entrance. As Lash went past Emile, he broke loose from Gertie and made a grab that knocked the skateboard loose. It flew through the air, and Amos caught it. They skipped left and right through people coming to see the animals, and the last thing Amos saw of the other two boys was when Dunc yelled:

“Get over to the skateboard championships and get lost in the crowd. We’ll try to find the police.” Then a tour group cut them off, and Amos was alone. He headed across the street toward the skateboard park.

Just before he ducked into the mass of people, he glanced over his shoulder and saw Emile and Claude leaving the zoo, one wiping green stuff out of his eyes and the other wiping monkey slobber off his face. They looked toward the park and saw him and immediately came running across the street.

Amos darted back and forth through the crowd. Emile and Claude were gaining on him. He put on a burst of speed, jumped through the last of the spectators, and suddenly found himself trapped between the thugs and the steep concrete drop of the track.

“Give us the board, Mr. Hare Krishna.”

Amos turned. They were walking slowly toward him, evil grins on their faces. He felt the weight of Maggie in his hands and took a deep breath. Just as they reached him, Amos put Maggie down, stepped on it, and pushed out onto the track.

He couldn’t remember much of what happened after that. There were vague pictures, mind-photos, but things moved so fast he could never be sure. He remembered going down the track somewhere near the speed of light, and then he thought he might have hit the side and done a flip almost the same as the day before, but higher.

Much higher.

He shot into the air as if he had been fired out of a cannon. Halfway through his trajectory he looked down and saw the
track. It seemed to be a skinny white snake across the park, and the people like ants looking up at him. Next to his ear he thought he heard a migrating goose honk.
I’ll have to be careful
, he thought—
there are planes up here
. He thought he could see Melissa in the bleachers, but her face was so tiny, he couldn’t be sure.

Then it was time to come down.

Bummer
, he thought.

As he plummeted to the earth, he thought he heard the announcer say something about a world record. He didn’t have time to think about it. He barely had enough time to get Maggie under his feet again before he hit the track.