Drowning in Her Eyes (29 page)

In December, Jack went back to Wallgrove to be Staff CSM at the recruits
' course. Those who attended remembered their CSM for many years afterwards, for he drove them as no other had done. Remembered as the best-
trained, fittest group of recruits to pass through the course, more of these men would gain commissions than from any other course.

* * *
*

Rain started to fall just before Christmas. The fearsome drought was waning, although its effects would be felt for a long time into the New Year. At
Ballinrobe
, the year ended with some good news. Denni bought home a beau and announced she would be married in the New Year. Duncan McGregor was a young doctor, headed for fame as a pediatrician, but no one knew that yet. Helen and Jack approved. The wedding was scheduled for Easter in the garden at
Ballinrobe
.
Well,
thought Jack
, there would be plenty to keep Helen busy for a while, anyway.

Jack often drove his old Land Rover and Sam to the thinking place. Here he revived his spirits, although saddened by thoughts of Susan and their baby, and how he might never see them again. Sam sensed his sadness; often she would whimper when he spoke aloud of Susan. He asked his mother and Ollie to keep the Land Rover always well maintained, and never to sell it. He had discovered a scarf Susan had left in his room and he often handled it, imagined her scent was still there. Maybe it was.

He still had not been with a woman since she had gone. No one could compare. There were many opportunities on offer but he declined them all. It was hard for a man with his strong libido, but he knew whomever he was with, he would see Susan
's sweet face. She often came to him in his dreams, soft brown eyes, depthless and inviting. The dreams always had the same ending. He would wake
and reach for her, but she
'
d be gone. Soon the other women learned to leave him alone.

Worcester, Massachusetts, USA
—1965

It was gloomy and snowing when they arrived in Worcester. Susan empathised with the weather. Her world had turned to ashes. Marci was triumphant, in control. Susan
's baby grew, now showing a bulge and kicking from time to time. For several months Susan had existed in a kind of dim suffused fog, hearing little, feeling nothing; only her baby sustained her. The tears were always there
,
waiting to erupt, cunningly picking up familiar songs, or the memories of his voice.

Marci would not let her out of the house, for fear of the shame it would bring upon her. She censored all of her mail. Any letter to Jack, she took to post,
but
dropped
it
into the incinerator as she went by. Jack did not write; he did not know where to write. Susan had little or no money so there was nothing she could do. Her baby was the only thing she had left of him. Marci had destroyed all of her photographs, all his old letters, all her mementos. Eventually, she regained some composure, realising she had to live for her baby, to nurture her, to take her back to her country where she was conceived, where her spirit belonged. This was
now
the focus of her life
.

Marci constantly reminded
Susan of her
fallen woman
status. She would never find a husband. Her baby would be born into poverty, for she had no money, no career. Her relatives would not want to acknowledge her. She had sinned. She must suffer the consequences. Jack had not contacted her. He had not answered her letters. He had abandoned her, just as Marci had predicted. Susan kept her own c
ounsel. She still believed Jack loved her and
would come for her. She would wait forever. They had pledged their love forever more.

Sarah was more satisfied. She could correspond with John, and she still had the
hope
he would come for her and marry her.

* *
*
*

Jacqui Susan came into the world on May 15, 1965. Marci refused to let Susan n
ame
Jack as the father
on her birth certificate
. Jacqui was a name Marci could not bring herself to say. By now, she had convinced herself of the rectitude of her actions. She played the role of martyr perfectly. She would realise, much too late, how terribly wrong she was.

Marci told all that Susan had married, but that her husband had abandoned her, leaving Marci to support them both. Marci rarely paid attention to Jacqui; she did not hold her
and
displayed no affection towards her. Susan put her sadness to the back of her mind. She had discovered a stronger emotion
—hatred.

The months crept by. Susan was sustained by her love for Jacqui, her hatred for her mother, and her smoldering desire for Jack. She spent long hours crooning to her daughter; she told her of
Ballinrobe
, of the night she came into being, of the love of her father and the spirit of the land that would always be there, and how she would one day take her home forever. Sometimes Jacqui
's eyes would sparkle as she said Jack
's name, and she seemed to concentrate hard and then smile at any mention of the thinking place.

Marci gradually allowed Susan some freedom. Jack was no longer a factor. She let her mother think she had accepted his betrayal and stopped writing letters. She would bide her time. Susan started living something
akin to
a normal life, visiting her relatives and some childhood friends. She never spoke of Jack; she could not bear to share him. At night, she dreamt of him, of his hard body, of his green eyes, of all the nights of passion, of the love that would never diminish. When that tingling feeling rose in her stomach and her nipples began to react, she took pleasure by herself, and was temporally satisfied.

Sarah was ecstatic because John had convinced his parents to give their permission for him to marry her. He was coming in August. Marci was furious in private, for she never thought John would come all that way. She had been looking forward to telling Sarah that she had been right about him
,
too. Although she had given her word, and now must follow through, she resolved to make John sorry he had come to take her daughter away from her. Jimbo was now a strapping lad of sixteen. Marci still worried about the war in Vietnam, but surely, it would not last another two years; surely, it would end before the draft took him.

Soon John Starr arrived to claim his prize. The wedding was a small affair in the same Episcopalian Church where Marci had buried her mother. John found Sarah just as passionate as before and two months later, she was pregnant. Susan was happy for her. John had started study as an accountant. Now that he was married to Sarah, he could work and study in America. He enrolled in college and began working part-
time for a local firm of CPAs. Susan repeatedly asked if he had any news of Jac
k. He continued to assert he
'd
seen or heard nothing of him. A few times, before he answered, he cast furtive looks at Sarah or Marci. Jacqui had her first Christmas. It was a sad time for
Susan
and her mother.

Goondiwindi, Queensland, Australia
—1966

January began with some lovely rain. For days, it drifted down. Tanks overflowed
.
Water
courses ran
,
then spread across fields. Soon, they could stop feeding stock.
Ballinrobe
had come out of the drought well. She had carried no sheep, so the pasture grasses had not been grazed to extinction. They had made a small fortune out of the hay, so providentially purchased. Jack and Helen took stock. Unlike their neighbours, they had cash reserves, so they purchased fifty more high quality breeding cows. Both decided to hold off on purchasing more sheep. The wool market was weak. Synthetic fibres and the universal application of cheaper forms of heating in Europe and America had reduced demand
in an already depressed market.

Jack set off for Armidale in late February. He felt very fit and strong. Necessary maintenance filled the time he had spent at home. New fences, upgraded stockyards, additions to the buildings took most of his time. He had worked hard labour on these projects. Hard work helped dull the ache a little. The new buildings included quarters for casual labour. Jack had decided that Ollie and Mick needed some more help. They had plans for an expanded wheat crop and they needed some casual labour for busy times.

Jack was entering his last year of study and he needed more time for that. As well, he expected to spend more time on his military work. Helen was busy planning
Denni
's
wedding. She still felt Jack
's sadness and missed Susan terribly. However, she decided that Denni needed her attention now. Mick had been co-
opted to bring the garden up to a respectable standard. He was pleased about this awesome responsibility. He said,
“It
's a bloody pity that little Yankee shelia ain
't
‘ere as well. We could
‘ave
‘ad a double weddin
'.
”

Armidale, New South Wales, Australia
—1966

Study, run, parade, study, train, and drink until the pain subsided. Then do it all again. Jack sometimes thought he had a slim grasp on reality, moving through his life in a kind of dream. Bernadette was married and moved away. Maree was not often at home. Both girls mothered him by post. He loved his cousins. They offered unconditional love, and he availed himself of it. In May, he completed his First Appointment Assessments, with the subsequent award of a commission. He sat on his bed, gazing at his new uniform hanging on the wall. It was impressive. The red and black of his Regimental badges and the small black diamonds with red backing on the epaulettes looked back at him. Well, they seemed to say, this is what you always wanted
;
why are you so sad? He looked at the scroll:

ELIZABETH THE SECOND, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom, Australia and Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith

To
Jack Patrick
Riordan
—
hereby appointed an Officer in Her Majesty
's Australian Armed Forces With Seniority of the
1
^st
day of June 1966
WE reposing especial Trust and Confidence in your Loyalty, Courage and Integrity do by these Presents Constitute and Appoint you to be an Officer in our Australian Armed Forces. You are therefore carefully and diligently to discharge your Duty as such in the Rank of
Second Lieutenant
or in such other Rank as We may from time to time hereafter be pleased to promote or appoint you to, and you are in such manner and on such occasions as may be prescribed by us to exercise and well discipline both the Inferior Officers and Non-
Commissioned Members serving under you and use your best endeavour to keep them in good Order and Discipline, and We do hereby Command them to Obey you as their Superior Officer, and you to observe and follow such Orders and Directions as from time to time you shall receive from Us, or any other your Superior Officer according to Law, in pursuance of the Trust hereby Reposed in you.

IN WITNESS Whereof our Governor General of Australia hath hereunto set his hand and Seal at Our Government House in the City of Canberra this
1
^st
day of June
in the Year of our Lord 1966 and in the
Fourteenth
Year of Our Reign.