Read Dorothy Parker Drank Here Online

Authors: Ellen Meister

Dorothy Parker Drank Here (29 page)

A
week later, Audrey Hudson received an anonymous note, penned in old-fashioned feminine handwriting.

Dear Audrey,

I regret that you cannot write an article about the true nature of the Algonquin guest book, which now resides in a sealed case at the hotel. However, there is another book with similar powers. It is on the top shelf of a tall curio cabinet in a home in Queens, New York (address below). I urge you to ask the owner, Edie Coates, to allow you access to it.

Do note that Miss Coates may be hesitant to let you take it from her home. However, once the book is closed, she will gladly hand it over. I promise you this.

Audrey had a pretty good idea that Dorothy Parker had written the note. Or maybe it was someone pretending to be Dorothy Parker. In any case, it seemed like some kind of trick, so she crumpled it in a ball and threw it away. Later that day, she thought better of it, removed it from the trash, and smoothed it on her coffee table, where it remained all week while she graded the final papers of her
Columbia students. At least once a day she looked up from her work to ask Jim Beam, “What do you think I should do about this, boy?” He never had much of a response.

After turning in the students' grades, Audrey realized she had no freelance work on the horizon and a whole summer stretching before her. She decided the anonymous lead was worth the risk, and took a subway to the address in Forest Hills.

The woman who answered the door was oddly dressed in a teal bell-bottomed jumpsuit that was much too tight. “Can I help you?” she asked.

“Are you Edie Coates?”

“Who wants to know?”

Audrey introduced herself as a freelance reporter who was researching a story. “I understand you own a book of signatures that might have paranormal powers.”

“I gave that back to the other lady. I don't want anything to do with that Algonquin book. I hate ghosts.
Hate
them.”

“I understand,” Audrey said. “But I'm not here about the Algonquin guest book. I'm here about a second volume—one that's in your house.”

“Really?” Edie Coates furrowed her brow. “There's a second book?”

“You haven't seen it?”

“I don't think so, but there's so much stuff in this house it's hard to know what I have.”

“Do you mind if I come in and have a look? I promise I won't take long.”

Edie hesitated for a second and then shrugged. “Why not,” she said. “I'm kind of curious myself.”

She led Audrey from the dark entryway into a strange living room that was packed with oddities. Audrey glanced around until she spotted a large piece of furniture that could be described as a tall curio cabinet.

She approached it and stood on her toes. “Do you know what's on the top shelf?” she asked.

Edie stepped back to see if she could get a look. “Hang on,” she said, and scraped over a rickety, cane-bottom chair.

“You're not going to stand on that, are you?” Audrey asked.

“It'll be fine,” Edie said, and Audrey wasn't so sure. She held the chair in place as Edie climbed up on it.

“Careful,” she warned as the dry old caning creaked under the stress.

“I'll be a son of a gun,” Edie said. She pulled a book from the shelf and the seat gave out at the same time. Her foot went right through it, and the chair tumbled over, taking Edie and Audrey along with it. They both landed on their bottoms.

“Are you okay?” Audrey asked.

“I think so,” said Edie. Her foot was still in the broken chair and she pulled it out. “How about you?”

Audrey wondered if she should tell Edie that the seat of her jumpsuit had ripped wide open, but something else caught her eye—the book had landed right next to her. Audrey picked it up and flipped through the scant pages, which bore only one signature.

“Who's Gavin Coates?” she asked.

Edie looked terrified. “My brother. Why?”

Remembering the specific instructions in the letter, she slammed the book closed. At that moment, a colorful silk kimono seemed to appear out of nowhere, hovering overhead. They watched as the satin floated gracefully toward the floor. When it landed, Edie gasped and got to her feet. She lifted the kimono and looked under it.

“He's gone!” she said. Then she laughed and laughed. She helped Audrey up and hugged her.

“What did I do?” Audrey asked.

Edie smiled, crying. “You saved me.”

N
orah missed him. She even missed
the idea
of him. And that made the grief confusing. What was she really mourning—Ted Shriver or the dream she'd had for so long? All she knew was that her life had been hollowed out and she had nothing to fill the void.

She often thought about going back to the Algonquin's Blue Bar to talk to Dorothy Parker, but she put it off, as she doubted the melancholy wit would have anything to say that might cheer her up. Besides, the memory of Ted was so tied to the place that she simply couldn't face it. She needed to be in a much better state of mind before she could walk in there again.

Then she suffered another loss.
Simon Janey Live
. Two weeks after Ted collapsed on the air, the network president announced that the show was canceled. That night, any fans tuning in to see a hard-hitting interview were surprised to find themselves watching
What Happened to Your Face?
, a reality show about plastic surgery mistakes.

The cancellation came as a surprise to no one, of course, but it was still a crushing disappointment. Norah was determined to find a way to cope in the midst of her grief.

“Give yourself a break,” Didi said. “Take some time off. You can afford it now.”

It was true. Due to Ted's quick action after finding out Norah was his daughter, she had inherited his estate and no longer needed to worry about making her rent. But she knew that taking a break from her career would give her far too much time to dwell on the pain, and that was something she just couldn't do. She needed to ride it out without examining it too closely, for the grief seemed to have a terrible dark spot—like a stain on a stain—that made her feel sick and scared. She wanted to leave it alone.

So Norah went right back to sending out résumés. She hoped to quickly find something that would fill up her life.

—

A
few weeks later, she got a call from her friend Pamela Daniels, who said that the folks at MSNBC didn't hire Beth Barbieri after all, because the show's host found her a little too testy.

“I can still get you an interview, if you're interested,” Pamela said.

Norah was indeed interested, and a week later she sat across from Rose Salinas, the director of human resources, who screened every potential employee before sending them on. Pamela had told Norah they were looking for someone upbeat, so she put on her best game face, giving the right answers to all the typical interview questions:
What have you been doing since your last job? Where do you see yourself five years from now?
What are your strengths and weaknesses?

Then Rose asked Norah a question she didn't expect. “What was the last book you read?”

Norah answered honestly. “I just finished
The Portable Dorothy Parker
,” she said, expecting the woman to nod and scribble it down in her notes.

But Rose Salinas smiled. “Rachel's going to adore you. She's a huge Dorothy Parker fan.”

The next interview went even better, and two weeks later Norah started her new job. It took a few months for her to get her footing, as there was a lot to learn and she ached for her old friends at
Simon Janey Live
. But eventually she made it her home, and got to channel her drive toward helping the show succeed.

Didi was the one who wound up taking some time off. With funding from Norah, she was finally able to finish her documentary, which took almost a year. The screening was on a warm July night, and Norah was delighted when Aviva and Pete said they could make it.

Aviva kissed Norah hello and handed her a thick envelope. “I brought you something,” she said. “It's my newest acquisition.”

Norah reached into the package and pulled out a bound manuscript. The title page said:

HELL HATH NO FURY

Why I Framed Ted Shriver

by Audrey Hudson

“Is this for real?” Norah said. “Audrey wrote a tell-all?”

“It's going to be huge,” Aviva said. “She did a hell of a job.”

Norah noted the heft of the manuscript. Clearly, Audrey had a lot to say. “But she devoted her whole life to keeping this secret.”

“I convinced her to do it. The news was coming out anyway. I thought if she owned it, at least she could play a role in the conversation.”

“Won't people despise her forever?”

“Some will and some won't,” Aviva said, “but they'll all buy the damned book.”

“It'll probably sell more than
Bad Husband
,” Pete added.

Norah stared at the title page and understood what this meant for Ted's reputation. Audrey was setting the record straight. There would be a fair amount of controversy, as many would find Ted's behavior as
a husband inexcusable. But everyone would know he wasn't a plagiarist.

This lifted Norah more than anything that had happened since she lost him. In fact, she felt like the dark spot on her heart had finally dislodged. She teared up and turned away, embarrassed.

“Did you ever get that dog?” Aviva asked.

The last time they spoke, Norah had told Aviva about a schnauzer mix she had picked out from a shelter. Ultimately, she thought the timing wasn't right and let the opportunity pass. She visited the shelter three more times after that, and always got cold feet. Somehow, Norah didn't trust herself to take care of a pet.

“I didn't feel ready for a dog,” Norah said.

“Why not?” Aviva said. “You're the most responsible person I know.”

Responsible?
Something about the word related directly to the pain that had just lifted. And late that night, as she read Audrey's colorful book, she finally understood why. Norah had always felt responsible for her mother, even in death. And when Ted died, that feeling compounded, because she had not been able to repair his reputation.

But now his legacy was safe. Not only that but he had found peace. Even Audrey Hudson had discovered a path to self-forgiveness.

It was time for Norah to take herself off the hook, too.

She put down the manuscript, shut off the light, and had a long, dreamless slumber. The next morning, Norah went back to the animal shelter, where she found a two-year-old cocker spaniel mix with long ears, sad eyes, and a crooked white stripe down the middle of his face. He had to be coaxed out of his crate, and trembled when she went to scoop him up. The dog issued one halfhearted growl, and then relaxed in Norah's arms, his muscles loose and liquidy. He gave her hand a drowsy lick and fell asleep, nuzzling against her as if he wanted to burrow right into her heart.

He did. Norah took him home that very afternoon, and named him Dobson. And while she knew that there would still be moments when she mourned for all she had lost, Norah's heart now beat with such brightness that at last she felt filled with the stupidity of hope. She couldn't wait to tell Dorothy
Parker.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

First, I wish to thank Dorothy Parker for being the most audacious, talented, complicated, and inspiring muse a novelist could wish for. I also want to thank my editor, Meaghan Wagner, for her unwavering support, keen insights, and knowledgeable guidance. I couldn't ask for a better partner in this journey.

Thanks, too, to the rest of the wonderful team at Putnam, including Ivan Held, Jessica Butler, Katie Grinch, Lydia Hirt, Kate Stark, and Shannon Jamieson Vazquez.

My beta-readers, Myfanwy Collins and Saralee Rosenberg, are not only brilliant writers but generous friends, and their feedback was invaluable. Additional thanks to the supportive lit pals who were always there with advice and encouragement, including Mary Akers, Don Capone, Katrina Denza, Mark Ebner, Pamela Erens, Kathy Fish, Kelly Flanigan, Andrew Gross, Susan Henderson, Carol Hoenig, Debbi Honorof, Tony Iovino, Brenda Janowitz, Elinor Lipman, Debra Markowitz, Marion Meade, Ellen Parker, Patricia Parkinson, Jordan Rosenfeld, Robin Slick, Maryanne Stahl, Alix Strauss, Andrew Tibbetts, and David Toussaint.

A very special shout-out to the professionals who answered my research questions with patience and intelligence, including Pamela Lopez, my guru on all things television-related, Alice de Almeida of the Algonquin Hotel, and Terrence Palmer of Rallye BMW. To Spirit Airlines flight attendant Tonya Rabuck, who was kind enough to find me a roomy place to work as I struggled to meet my deadline on a crowded flight, thank you.

Navigating the unpredictable seas of a writing career can be scary, so having the world's greatest advocates steering my ship is a tremendous asset. Huge thanks to my agents, Annelise Robey and Andrea Cirillo, as well as the rest of the gang at the Jane Rotrosen Agency. A special thanks to Joel Gotler, too.

To my parents, Marilyn and Gerard Meister, thank you for always
believing in me. And to Mike, Max, Ethan, and Emma, thank you for making it all worthwhile.

And finally, a special nod to Dorothy Parker fans.

If you spend a lot of time on social media, where angry trolls abound, it's easy to lose faith in humanity. But I've learned that there is a vast community of intelligent, educated, witty, and wonderful people out there. Over one hundred thousand of them follow my Dorothy Parker Facebook page (facebook.com/DorothyParkerQuotes), and they inspire me every day. I'd like to thank every single one, and am delighted to specifically acknowledge the following folks, who provided their names to be included in this heartfelt expression of gratitude:

April Aandal, Russell Aaronson, Erin Abbamondi, Sharifa Abdul-Wahid, Eshaam Abdurahman, Joan Adamo, Denise Adams, Jill Adams, Britt Adams, Natalie Adams, Patti Adams, Reade Adams, Kathleen Adams, Marlene Adelle, Magdalena Aders, Adam R. Adkins, Jeffrey Agnitsch, Carlos Aguirre, Carol Aka, Carol Albers, Brigitte Albert, Edwin Albetski, Michele Alcock, Leslie Alden, Pat Alder, Cliff Aldridge, Lane Aldridge, Emily Alexander, Rona Allan, Suzanne Allen, Jennifer Allen, Theresa Allen, Joyce Allen, Sara Allison, Jaye Allison, Sara Allkins, John Allred, Celia Aloia, Jordi Alonso, Anne Alonzo, Jodi Altenhofen, Robin Andersen, Tiare Anderson, Barbara Anderson, Tonda Anderson, Kirk Anderson, Lawson Anderson, Carolyn Anderson, Sayward Anderson, Holly Anderson, Harriette Andrews Harra, Martha Andrews-Schmidt, Veronica Andris, Ilene Angel, Nazli Anwari, Rocelle Aragon, Christian Ares, Faith Arkel, Jeffrey Arkin, Geraldine J. Arko, Bev Armstrong, Holly Armstrong, Eric Carl Artherhults, Pam Arthur, Subramanian Arunachalam, A. J. Ash, Kathleen Ashe, Jerry Ashley, Janice Ashmore, John Ashton, Denise Ashworth, Marilyn Avila, Paula Ayers, Ron Ayers, Josh Aylor, Sonia Azzi, Loura B., Clare B., Lorraine Babb, Dean Babcock, Nicole Bach, Samuel C. Badger, Jeffrey Baer, Luke Bailey, Christine Bain, Joette Baity, Sharyn Baker, Mark Baker, Jodi Baker, Ellie Baker, Kelley Baker-Ewert, Ananth Balasubramanian, Lisa Balatbat, Bruce Baldwin, Shelly Baldwin, Sue Bale, Ann Ballard, Joshua Balog, Sherianne Bangham, Jonathan Banks, Tammie Banks, Paula Barber, Ericka Barber, Betsy Barber Bivin, Holly Barbour Wales, Paige Barcus, Kevin Barger, Ferne Barishman, H. V. Barnard, Joseph Barrett, James Barry, Melissa Bartell, Elle Barton, Ruth Barton, Patricia Barton, Leanne Baskett, Mazie Baskin, Tami Bates, Lori Bates, Chandra Batra, Art Battiste, F. Kay Baumann, Gene Baumwoll, Sally Be, Bonnie Beagel-Rhodes, Anita Beall, Heidi Jo Bean, Rosa Beason, Theodore
Beattie, Melanie Becerra, Suzi Bechtold, Tally Beck, Adele Beck, Ed Beck, Ken Beck, Bill Becker, Cynthia Beckes-O'Connor, Marie Bednar, Su Bee, Gina Beeley, Valeri Beers, Emily Behrmann, Jennifer Beikes, Theresa Belanger, Thomas Bell, Laura Belluzzi, Genevieve Beltran, Andrew Bemis, Gretchen Bender, Lynnette Bender, Luis Benkard, Liza Bennett, Shelli Bennett, Christine Bennett, Anita Bensabat, Janet Benton Gaillard, Martha Bergh, Kathy Bergold, Janet Berkman, Mara Berman, Patricia Bern, Cheryl Bernini, Gary Bernstein, Janet Berry, Carrie Berry, Julie Bestry, Barrie Betts, Payel Bhattacharyya, Nancy Biagini, Jenny Bick, Joseph Bifulk, Michael Billow, Dara Bilow, Xander Bilyk, Elizabeth Bindas, Richard Binder, Linda Binder, Eileen Bird, Paul Birkby, Scott Bishop, David Bishop, Lucy Bishop, Liz Bishop, Leslie Bissell, Nina Bjornsson, Kerry Black, Tracy Blackburn, Jo Ann Blackburn, Trevor Blackwell, Pamela Blackwell-Nwonye, Grainne Blair, Sophie Blakemore, Sarah Bland, Zero Blank, Amelia Blanton, Jarrod Blasius, Jo-Anne Bliss, Suzy Blu, Edith Bluhm, Kelly Bo-Belly, Neil Bobrick, Melissa Bock, April Bodendorfer, Pamela Bogle, Ambre Boissevain, Mackenzie Bolin, Armand Bolling, Helen Bollman, Victoria Bolotaeva, Candace Bolt, Kenton Bolte, Linda Bolton, Kristine Bonstrom Vial, LisaJo Borchers, Lori Boren, Allyson Borkgren, Michele Borys, B. D. Bossidy, Scott Bostick, Brian Bostron, Deborah Bouchard, Barbara Boucher, Noureddine Boughanmi, Bridget Bounds, Heather Bourassa, Doreen Bourke, Leslie Bousquet, Veronica Bowe-Murphy, Fay Bowen, Theresa Bowen, Linda Bowen, Sunny Bower, Claire Bowes, Kathy Bowl, Noel Bowles, Scott Bowling, Margaret Bowser, John Bracewell, James Easter Bradford, Larry Bradley, Dona Bradley, William Bradshaw, Greg Branch, Erik Branch, Emily Brandenberger, Barbara Brandt, Victor Brandt, Rose Brandt, Henry Brann, Maria Brannigan, Cheryl Branscum, Philip Branton, Maura Brattested, Lyn Braun, Cristiane Breining, Sandra Brennan, Sean Brennan, Kathe Brenner Deane, Melissa Briggs, Laura Brink, Andrea Brisson, Pauline Brock, Lynne Bronstein, Tony Brooks, Barbara Brooks, Dorothy Brophy, Karen Browder, Ann Brown, Nicole Brown, Dusty Brown, Beverly Brown, Dortha Kay Brown, Donald Bruce, Julie Brumlik, Judy Brunswick, Cass Bruton, Patricia Bryant, Paula Bryder, Kathleen Buchanan, Esther Buck, Michael Buckley, Diane Buglewicz Foote, Jeff Burlew, Betty Bullard, Gary Bullock, Mitchell Bullock, James Bunnelle, Kendra Bunyon, Edward Burch, Denise Burchard, Jacky Burdett, Meaghan Burford, Justin Burgess, Peter Burgess, Elvis Burgos, Niki Burke, Barbara Burkett, Laurie Burnard, Linda Burnham, Dirk Burns, Gary Burns, Liela Burns, Darlene Burns, Janice Burns, Elaine Burns,
Christine Burns Lehrfeld, Margaret Burns Reyes, Wanita Burrell Boyar, Susan Burrows, John Allen Burtner, Linda Burtt, Buzz Burza, Deanna Busdieker, Jonathan Bush, Susan Bush, Kelly Butler, Kim Buxton, Brian Byers, Elizabeth Byers, Shana Byrd, Kathleen Byrne, Connie Byrnes, Ed Bzomowski, Mona Cabel, Delia Cabrera, John Cahill, Erika Cailao, Erin Cain, Victoria Cairl, Ruth Calia Stives, Suzy Q Calkins, Marcy Camano, Sharon Cameron Lawn, Margaret Campanella, Malcolm Campbell, Paddy Campbell, Rosalie Campbell, Geri Campbell, Erin Campos, Amy Canaday, Karen Candee, Shana Cannavaro, Fran Capezio, James Cappio, Mary Capps, Liz Cardenas, Ann Marie Cardin, Andrea Cardwell, Theresa Carey, Stephen Carleston, Windy Carleton, Mike Carlin, Catherine Carlisle, Denise Carlon, Tim Carmain, Timm Carney, David Olof Carney, Lorraine Carolan, Lily Carousel, Laura Carr, Jackie Carr, Nicole Carrero, Leslie Carroll, Wesley Carscaddon, Sela Carsen, Diane Carson, Julie Carter, Karen Carter, Lisa Carter, Mary Caruso, Natalie Casetti, Vanessa Cass, Carol Cassell, Rafael Castillo, Jesse V. Castillo, Hilton Caston, Sarah Catlin, Suzanne Catterick, Heidi Vega Cavanaugh, Norma Cavazos, Amy Cavender, Kristen Cesconetto, Bonnie Chakravorty, Marilyn Anne Challis, Lorraine Chamberlain, Andrea Chambers, Valerie Chambers, Joanne Chando, Mekisha Chansler, Marsha Chapman, David Chase, Cheryl Chatzis, Jeremy Chestler, Nancy Chorpenning, Vince Chura, Rebecca Church, Robin Church, Lisa Churinskas-Hulit, Catherine Chute, Suzette Ciancio, Laura Ciarrocca, Edana Cichanowicz, Louis Cigliano, Ann Cihon, Marie Ciriello, Pamela Clark, Aubrey-Aaron Clark, Colin Clark, Leigh Clark, Dimitra Clark, Rick Clark, Kelly Clark, Maggie Cleveland, Julian Clift, Valerie Cline, the Reading Cline Family, Russell Clower, Ronda Cluff, Bob Coard, Linda Coats, Sam Cobb, Van Cockcroft, Michael Cockerel, Charles Coffman, Katy Coker-James, Terry Cole, Craig Coleman, Kenneth Colgin, Kathy Collier, Emily Collins, Marie Collins, Amy Collinsworth, Lorraine Combs, Amie Conant, Marissa Concepcion, Rúairí Conneely, Margaret Connell, Susan Connolly, Sharron Connor, Regina Connors, Myriam Contiguglia, Deborah Conway, Danielle Cook, B. C. Coolen, Marguerite Cooney, Tosha Cooper, Alison Cope, Clare Copeland, Kristine Copeland, Deb Copeland, Joe Copeland, Richard Cordoni, Rick Cornell, Jerry Cornwell, Cathy Corral, Suzanne Corrigan, Steve Corso, Carrie Corson, Natalie Corzine Moore, Carole Cosentino, Alicia Cosgrove, Melissa Costa, Michael Costa, William Costlow, Emilia Cotiga, John Cotter, Susan Cotton, Lisa Cottrell, Bob Counihan, Jeff Courtade, Forrest Courtney, Darlene Cousins, Diane Coussan, Suzanne Coutanceau, Inara Couto, Gina Covarrubias, Mo
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