Don’t Forget to Remember Me (49 page)

“Ugh, I’m trying to seduce you, and you’re
making love to me with words.” My voice was thickening, my throat
tightening. “After you’ve just made me feel so good, baby, I want
to do the same for you.”

“You
do
.” His green eyes were lidded, so
sensual and deep. I pushed him back on the pillows and climbed on
top of his lap, straddling him and his hands roamed over my body,
gently brushing the swells and curves. I positioned myself over
him, not waiting for him to take control as I pushed until he was
sheathed deep within me. “Uhhh,” he gasped and closed his eyes. “I
want your touch, Julia…I want your body surrounding mine, alive
under my hands and mouth. I want every one of your orgasms for the
rest of your life to come from me; every panting breath, every
little moan, every shudder and each delicious kiss.” He punctuated
his words with his body, his hands gripping my hips as I rode him
and his body met mine. My head fell back as he filled me and the
tight throbbing began to build again. “I want you to belong to only
me.
Say it
,” he demanded, his thumb
going to my clitoris as he bit his lip, his
brow
furrowed and his eyes closing as pleasure flowed
through him. The ecstasy on his face consumed me.

“I belong to you. Ryan…Oh God, I love you so
much. You own me.”

“As
you
own
me
, my love…”
He sat up and wrapped his arms around me, his feverish mouth taking
mine in a series of deep, sensual kisses as we moved together, our
tongues warring and worshiping, just like our bodies. The
experience so amazing, I found myself sucking and clutching at him,
pulling him further into my body, my hands fisting in his hair as
our mouths slanted across the other’s insatiable hunger. Silence
surrounded us, except for the music of our breathing and the sound
of our kisses as we made mad love to each other, the sounds getting
more pronounced as we climaxed together. We clung together, slowly
caressing, our mouths still tasting and licking until Ryan nuzzled
the side of my cheek with his nose and exhaled, his breath washing
over my skin as I collapsed in his strong arms.

Every time he touched me, he left me
breathless and in pieces all around him. “Oh, baby…” he groaned
into my neck as he continued to hold me close. “You. Are.
Everything. Everything, Julia.”

“Hey, Doctor! You’re looking refreshed, did
you get a good night’s sleep?” one of the nurses asked. I was in my
own little world, smiling and reliving the night before. The day
had become something of a blur. A broken arm, a heart attack, a
stab wound, and despite all of it, I was smiling. I chastised
myself, but all I could think about was my gorgeous wife.

Time crawled and I ran a hand through my
hair impatiently. Still an hour before my shift ended and I was
anxious as I glanced at the nurse. She was probably my age, or a
couple years older. Thin with long blonde hair that she usually
wore in a ponytail and pretty. I wouldn’t call her beautiful. I
smirked internally. No one could compare to Julia.

“Something like that, Jane. Didn’t I ask you
to call me Ryan? I’m not used to the doctor thing.”

“Well,
get
used to it. You’re a very good
one,” she said warmly as I handed back the chart I’d been making
notes on.

I smiled slightly. “Thanks.”

The three months since I’d
been at St. Vincent had flown by. The workload was tremendous and
the hours so extreme I felt like I lived there, but I loved helping
people and there was a serious need for trauma surgeons in New
York. The traffic in the ER was non-stop. If it weren’t for how
much I missed Julia, I’d love everything about it.
Except the lack of sleep.
Newly married, I wanted to spend much more time with my
wife.

My wife
. I couldn’t keep the smile at bay. Sleep was the sacrifice
for those precious moments together but the exhaustion was worth
it. Lately, I was really dragging. Julia saw it and insisted I
spend more time sleeping and less time making love. I was feeling
the loss of the intimacy; of our bodies and of the hours we spent
talking. Tonight, though, I was scheduled to get out on time and
was looking forward to several hours alone with her.

Half an hour
later
, as I was chatting with Jane and
another doctor, a young woman rushed into the ER screaming, her
arms holding a small child. The child’s face was bright red and
turning purple. Clearly, her airway was blocked.

Immediately, I sprang into action, as did
Jane and another nurse. “Ma’am, can you tell me what happened?” I
asked quickly as I took the little girl from her mother’s arms and
rushed her into one of the rooms to lay her on the gurney.

The young woman was crying
hysterically and could hardly speak. “Jane, have Nancy get the
vitals, but first we need to bag her.
Now
!” She nodded and ran to the
cabinets on the side of the room to get what we needed. “I’m sorry
to put you through this right now, but we need the information,” I
spoke to the mother as I examined her little girl. The baby’s
tongue was swollen but there was nothing lodged in her throat. I
was certain it was a severe allergic reaction.

“Your baby appears to be suffering from
anaphylaxis, an allergic reaction to something. Do you know of any
allergies? Food, nuts, shellfish?” Even as I said it, I realized
this girl was too young to even eat anything like that, barely one
year old. My hands ran over her arms and legs searching for an
insect bite and I found one on the underside of her left wrist.
“Bee sting. Were you outside?” I leaned down, placing my ear over
the baby’s mouth and nose. No breath.

The woman was sobbing very hard. “Yes. We
were on a picnic in the park. She was playing by the swings when I
noticed her fall. Then she was wheezing and coughing.”

My mind raced as I took the bag from Jane
and tilted the baby’s neck back so I could put the tube down her
throat. “Jane, suppress her tongue please. What’s her name?”

“Mallory,” she cried. “Is she going to be
alright? Please help her!”

The next few minutes ticked by in a flash,
yet everything seemed to move in slow motion. Another nurse took
the screaming mother from the room as we worked. I administered
Epinephrine and started CPR as Jane continued to squeeze the bag in
an even two breath rhythm, in between my compressions of her chest
with my two fingers.

“Come on, breathe!”
Breathe, Goddamn it! Please.
I was a
machine as I worked over her. Again and again I pushed her chest in
the 30 push pattern between the two breaths Jane was squeezing into
her. “Come on baby…come
on
!”
Dear God…please
, I silently
begged.

The little girl’s face was purple and her
body was still, her little eyes blank. Tirelessly I worked over her
until finally I felt a gentle hand on my arm. “Ryan.”

My mind was counting off, twenty eight,
twenty nine, thirty as I pressed her chest, trying to start her
heart. I waited for Jane to continue her work.

“Jane, squeeze the bag,” I
said frantically. “
Jane
!” I looked up and her eyes were sad, welling with tears. She
shook her head slightly. “I
said
,
squeeze the fucking bag, Jane!”

I pushed her hands aside and squeezed it
myself and then went back to compressing her chest. One, two,
three, four…Jane’s hand was on my arm again, only this time with
more force.

“Ryan. It’s over. You did
the best you could, but she
got here
too
late. We didn’t have enough time for the Epi to work.” I felt like
I was hearing her words through millions of gallons of water and I
was drowning in it. I kept working. “
Dr
. Matthews!”

My hands stilled as I
looked down on this little life…now lost. My body started shaking.
Something as simple as ten more minutes.
Ten more
minutes!
My mind screamed at me.
Just ten more fucking minutes was all I needed to
save her.

I felt my body slump and I leaned on my
hands on the edge of the gurney. Jane stood by silently, but moved
her hand to my shoulder, gently rubbing back and forth, trying to
comfort me. Nothing could.

“Do you want me to go speak to the mother?”
she asked softly.

I shook my head numbly. “I
need to do it.” I could barely get the words past the lump in my
throat. I turned back to the little girl and ran my hand over her
little head, still warm to the touch, her dark hair like silk
through my fingers. A tear slipped out and then another. I angrily
brushed them away. “Maybe I’m not cut out for this job,” I mumbled.
“
I can’t
handle this shit.”

Jane and Nancy were
waiting, and Nancy spoke. She was older than I, maybe mid-fifties,
eyes full of tears. “No. You care so much. That’s why you
are
perfect
for this job. You are a
wonderful doctor.”

Jane nodded and stepped forward. “Ryan…no
one could have done more.”

I inhaled deeply, the pain in my chest
protesting. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be comforted. I walked
into the waiting room where the little girl’s mother was sitting.
She stood quickly at my approach, her face worried and full of tear
tracks. I didn’t even know her name and I was going to have to tell
her that her baby was dead.

My throat closed and I tried desperately to
clear it. “Uhhggghhh…I’m Doctor Matthews.” I stopped and wrung my
hands in front of me. “I’m very sorry, ma’am. We did everything we
could, but…” I didn’t get the words out before she crumpled in
front of me screaming.

“Nooooooooo!” she sobbed. I felt like I was
dying as I caught the woman in my arms and she clung to my chest,
her legs giving out on her. “Oh, God! No!” she sobbed, the sound
tearing at my heart, her tears soaking through my shirt. Only one
other time in my life had I felt like this, and it was also in an
Emergency Room when I’d just found out Julia had lost our own baby.
I felt sick and disoriented. I didn’t know what I should do or what
I needed, except that I wanted to be with Julia.

“I’m so sorry,” I said as I blinked back the
tears that stung my eyes. “I’m so very sorry. Is there anyone we
can call for you?” I asked the young woman gently and then helped
her sit down.

She stared ahead numbly and then looked at
the well-used tissue in her hand. “My husband, Bill. Can I see
her?” She looked me in the eyes. She had the same dark hair as the
little girl on the table in the other room.

I nodded as Jane came
forward and put her arm around the mother and guided her into the
other room. I stood there in the waiting room, watching them go. I
swallowed hard. This was almost the worst night of my life.
Almost
.

*****

I was an hour later than Julia expected, but
she was used to it. I felt the hole in my chest the entire way
home, but I was numb as I put the key in the lock. The smells
coming from the apartment told me that Julia was baking something
delicious and when the door opened, music was playing and she was
singing in the kitchen.

“Hey!” she called happily, working on
something on the stove. I let my eyes roam over her small form.
Baggy, beat up jeans sat low on her hips, a small white t-shirt and
bare feet, topped off by the messy knot of hair she’d tied atop her
head, leaving the long line of her graceful neck, bare. She glanced
over her shoulder and her smile faded immediately at my
expression.

“Sorry I’m late,” I murmured.

She turned off the stove and walked over as
I threw my keys on the table, her brow furrowing. She knew me so
well.

“Ryan, are you okay?” She reached out to
grab both of my forearms and I let my hands rest on her waist.

I closed my eyes and breathed in her
perfume, willing her essence to take away the happenings of the
past two hours. I pulled her tightly to me and buried my face in
her hair. “I am now,” I whispered and her hands stroked through the
hair at the back of my head.

“Baby…what happened?”

“It was…I had a bad day.”
She pulled back slightly to look up into my face
; her green eyes were wide and worried. I searched her face,
her soft skin was flushed pink and her lower lip was hidden by her
top teeth.

“Do you want dinner or a drink? Do you want
to talk about it?”

“It smells good, sweetheart, but I’m not in
the mood to eat right now. A drink sounds good, though.”