Don’t Forget to Remember Me (19 page)

“Oh, this is Jenna. She’s a friend from
college.”

Jenna extended her hand to the man and he
took it willingly. He gazed at her and she smiled. “And you are?”
she asked.

“Adam, ma’am.”

“Nice to meet you, Adam.”

It was a good thing that Jenna took over the
conversation because I was a little out of it, looking around the
building and trying to pull things out of my memory. The tall glass
windows, the high ceilings and the brass fixtures reflected off the
black marble floors.

I was shaking slightly as we rode the
elevator up and walked down the hall, again trying to remember
something and chagrined because I didn’t. The floral smell was
familiar though. That was something, at least.

“I really need to use the bathroom, Julia.
Would you mind if I use it first?” Jenna mentioned as I pushed open
the heavy wooden door and walked into the apartment.

“Yeah, sure,” I said offhandedly. She took
off down the hall while I glanced around. There were pictures of my
parents and the six of us scattered in small frames around the
living room, some of just Ryan and me…more of only Ryan. The
furniture was large and plush and the plants were dead. I walked
over to one of them, and messed with the dried leaves.

There were candles in several places, all of
them somewhat burned. The scent of vanilla lingered and there was
contemporary art on the walls and a large mirror over the
fireplace. An art table sat beside the window with a large lamp
above it. The colors were some of my favorites, dark greens, taupe
and browns. The kitchen was small with marble countertops and
stainless steel appliances. Surely this place was expensive and I
wondered more about my job at Vogue.

I dropped my bag on the
couch and wandered to the bedroom. The door was open and I could
see the queen size bed from the hall. It had lots of white bedding
and fluffy pillows, but was strewn with clothes and open
suitcases.
Did I make this mess getting ready to go to
Boston?
I couldn’t believe I would have left
it like this and I started to replace the outfits still on hangers
back in the closet.

Jen walked in and sat down. “Anything?” she
asked.

“Um, the smells are familiar but I don’t
recognize the photos…or the apartment really. It feels familiar,
but I have no actual memory of it.” I looked around the room. More
burned candles on the bedside table and a large upholstered chair
by the window and small table with a decorative lamp with a moss
green shade. “Was I always this messy? It doesn’t seem like
me.”

“No, I don’t think so, Julia,” she said, but
didn’t elaborate.

“I thought I’d walk in here and everything
would flood back,” I said sadly. “Wishful thinking, I guess.”

I fell into the chair and brought my legs
up, curling them under me and leaned my head on my fisted hand.

“I’m sorry, sweets. Maybe with more time
here, you’ll remember something.” She moved a pile of folded
sweaters over so she could sit on the bed without messing them
up.

“Yeah.” My phone rang in my purse in the
other room and I jumped up to get it before it went to voicemail. I
chastised myself as pain shot through me and I walked more
carefully toward the sound. Of course, it was Ryan.

“Hey.”

“Are you there safe and sound?” His voice
sounded tired.

“Yeah. Fine. How has your night been?”

“Don’t ask.”

“You sound exhausted. At least while I’m
here, you get your bed back, hmm?” I teased gently.

“I guess.”

“Ryan, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, honey. I’m fine. I’m just waiting
for you to tell me.” I knew what he meant. He wanted to know if I’d
flashed.

“Oh, well, no, I haven’t remembered much.
Some of the scents are familiar, but nothing concrete really.”

His heavy sigh flooded the phone. I wasn’t
sure if he was upset or relieved. “Well, you’ll remember when
you’re ready. Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you’re there
safe. You’re not going out tonight are you?”

“I don’t really feel up to it. My ribs hurt.
I might have Jen help me into the bath. That is, if I have a
bathtub. I haven’t been in the bathroom yet.” I laughed softly but
he didn’t join in.

“You have a bathtub, honey.”

“Have you been in it?” I prodded.

“Yes. Take a bath, a pain pill and go to
bed. Jen should sleep on the couch. I don’t want anything bumping
into you and hurting you.”

I sank down in the chair by my art table and
noticed the black portfolio sitting on its side next to it. I
leaned down and traced the fingers of my free hand over its edge.
“Ryan, stop. I can’t have her sleeping on the couch when she was so
nice to come with me.”

“Julia, don’t argue. Can you just do what I
ask for once?” he said in irritation. I flushed uncomfortably at
the tightness in his tone.

“Why are you mad at me?”

“I’m not. I just want you to take care of
yourself. I tell you this stuff for your own good, not just to hear
myself talk.”

“Okay then what’s bugging you?” I persisted.
“Something is up. Tell me what it is.”

“Julia…Just let it go. I’m fine,” he
answered flatly. The silence hung like a lead balloon over the
conversation. He was withdrawing from me and I didn’t like how it
made me feel.

“Why are you lying to me? I’m worried about
you.”

“Don’t worry, I’m just worn out. I worked
out really hard and now I’m going to eat and go to bed. I’m glad
you’re safe, baby.” His voice softened and warmed slightly.

“Okay. Maybe you should take a bath, too.
Are you sore?”

“Not yet. Probably will be tomorrow. I’m
gonna go get some of the lasagna. It smelled really good when Aaron
was eating earlier. Thanks for the lemon muffins, honey. Did you
know I loved them?”

“I figured it out because something just
told me to make them.”

“I’m glad you did. I miss you. So much.” My
heart squeezed as the words ripped out of him involuntarily.

“Me, too.” The truth of it was profound. A
familiar ache constricted my chest. “It feels like I’ve missed you
like this before. It hurts, not like the normal way people miss
each other. Like it’s so much more.”

“Yeah, it hurts.”

“Ryan, tell me.
Just
tell me
.”

“Julia, I’ll call you in the morning. Do
what I said and rest. Please?”

He was so friggin’ exasperating when he
clammed up like this, and always when I was getting closer.

“Okay. Goodnight, then.”

“Night.”

When the phone went dead, I threw it back on
the couch. I bent over and pulled up my portfolio, intending to
take it back into the bedroom and look through it with Jenna, but
it was open and several drawings fell out and scattered all around
the floor.

Ryan, Ryan,
Ryan
. They were all of Ryan. My eyes
welled with tears and I sank slowly to my knees, carefully
gathering them up so they wouldn’t be damaged. I picked one up and
examined it closely. I brushed at the tear that had slipped onto my
right cheek with the back of my hand, worried that my tears would
fall on the drawings and ruin them. Most were in pencil, but there
were some in charcoal and a few in watercolors.

A sob caught in my throat as I looked at
them, so lovingly created, so detailed and perfect. It was hard to
believe they were mine. My fingers ran over the signature. I knew,
for sure, that these were done by my hand, and the lack of memories
hurt.

Jenna must have heard because she came out
of the bedroom. “Julia, what’s wro…ong?” She stopped when she saw
me on the floor with my drawings all around. “Oh my God,” she
breathed.

I looked up at her as more
tears slid down my face. “Look at all of these…just
look
at them
.”

“Yes. I know. Are you okay?”

I wasn’t sure if I was or not. “When did I
draw these?”

She sank to the floor next to me, careful
not to hurt the drawings and put her arm around my shoulders. There
were tears in her eyes. “All along. You started in college.”

I put a hand over my mouth to stifle the
sobs. “Did I love him and he didn’t love me back?”

“No Julia, the man is over the moon for you.
You already know that, don’t you?” she asked softly. When I didn’t
answer she got up and left the room. “I’ll be right back,” she
called over her shoulder. She came back in seconds, carrying a
picture frame. She was standing above me where I was on the floor
and she sank down onto the couch. She held it out to me, and I took
it carefully in both hands.

“Uhhh…” I gasped as I
looked down on it. It was a poem or letter and it began,
I love you because…
I sat shaking in
silence as I read the words he’d handwritten, the tears falling
uninhibited from my eyes like rain. Jen didn’t say a word, just
waited as I read it. At the end, the words shot straight to my
heart and my mind flashed to candles and firelight, to warm arms
around me and my hands wound in dark golden hair.

You breathe your life into mine.

You’re all my dreams come true.

You are
my
Julia. Only
mine
,
forever…

Because of all of this and so much more…

I need you. I want you. I adore you.
I
love you
…more than my own life.

Ryan

My hand hovered over the glass, over his
words as I sat there stunned, my heart racing so fast it felt like
it would burst. “My God,” I finally managed to breathe and looked
up at Jenna. Her brow was creased and she was wringing her hands.
“I’m…overwhelmed. Do you know when he wrote this?”

She moved to the floor next to me. “I think
around the time you moved to New York. Julia, did you remember
something?”

“Just a little. Nothing I
can really articulate. I…love him.
That’s
what I remember. I can’t place specifics,
but…he’s…
everything
.”

Jenna’s eyes filled with tears and her hand
reached out to rest on my shoulder. “Oh Julia, I’m so glad you
realize that. He’s been so lost.”

“This…” my hand skirted over the glass
again, “and the drawings have helped. It means so much to me that
you came here with me and helped me like this.” I placed my hand
over the one on my shoulder and squeezed. I set the frame back on
the couch and then picked up two of the drawings. “I sense…sadness
around some of these pictures. Not all, but some of them hurt me. I
was in pain over him.”

She nodded. “He’ll be so mad at me, but I
won’t let you suffer this and not tell you.”

I wiped at the tears on my face and tried to
smile. “Thank you.”

“You and Ryan were friends. You both dated a
few other people, but you and he were always together. Sometimes,
when he went out with someone else, you’d stay in and draw. You
were sad, but we never knew how upset you were. Ellie and I asked
you to go out, but you’d stay in alone when he…well when he…”

I nodded. I didn’t need her to say the
words. The pain washed through me and I could remember feeling it
then; being left behind while he went out and made love to someone
else. It felt so real; it was like it was happening right in that
moment, fresh and raw. My face crumpled and I covered it with both
of my hands.

“Ryan loves you, Julia. As
you can tell now…he loves you
so
much.”

“I know.” The truth of the
words burst through my barely controlled sobs. “Maybe I can’t
remember all of it, but I
feel
it.
I get flashes and in those moments, he just fills me up. Why didn’t
we date? Why would he date others? Didn’t he love me
then?”

“The rest of us saw what was between you and
we tried to get through to you, but you and Ryan are so similar.
Neither of you were willing to risk your friendship on a love
affair that might end badly. After Aaron and Ryan got accepted to
Harvard, the prospect of not having each other nearby forced you
both to admit that you were in love with each other.”

I started crying again. The floodgates burst
and my shoulders shook. “Oh, God! He must be suffering so much
now.”

“You’re alive, Julia. He’s so thankful.
Thank God he isn’t too great at hiding his love. You sense it.”

I nodded and tried to sniff back the tears.
“I do. I need him to tell me, to let me love him now.”

“He will in time. The first time you spent
together as a couple, you drew him and he brought that picture with
him back to Boston. That was the first time Aaron or I found out
about your sketches. You told Ryan about the ones you did on those
evenings alone and he shared it with us. You amazed him and he was
so proud of you. I’ve never seen a man so in love, Julia. So, dry
those tears. It’s all going to be okay. He’s been in love with you
since the moment you met.”

She hugged me as tight as my injury allowed
and I wrapped my arms around her. “Thank you, Jen. I needed to hear
this.”

We spent several minutes looking through the
drawings. “It’s almost a sin for someone to be that gorgeous.
You’ve certainly captured him perfectly, Julia. It’s like looking
at a series of black and white photographs. Was that Ryan on the
phone?”

“Yes. He wants me to take a bath and go to
bed. It actually sounds pretty good right now. I’m wiped.” I wanted
to be alone with my thoughts of Ryan, to search my mind for
memories.

“Okay, do you need help?”

“I think I’ll be okay, but thanks.”

“I can help you get in the bath if you’d
like. Ryan will kill me if you slip and re-fracture your ribs.”

“I just need a little time alone. Do you
mind?”