Authors: Daniel Unedo
Our political leaders, our greatest thinkers, the heads of all our most important companies... Gone. All because a useless foreign immigrant hated our freedom. Hated the very idea of us living in comfort and luxury. Of daring to be happy. To this spineless terrorist, all our Orninican amenities are unacceptable. Being able to buy whatever we want with our hard-earned oonos, to go to ritzy restaurants and eat until we're stuffed and then order dessert; that offends this classless know-nothing terrorist. He hates us because we were born with all the opportunities he can never hope to have.
He can murder Orninica's favorite son, but he can't take our pride, he can't take our liberty, he can't take our perseverance and he certainly can't take away our Orninicanism.
We have to stand strong, united against immigrants and socialists and anarchists and anyone that looks suspiciously out of place. If we don't get rid of all the undesirables, this is going to keep happening. Don't be fooled, every one of the sneaky bastards is plotting against us, and we can't just deport them or they'll keep on sneaking right back again. We've got to dismantle the One World Directive. Orninica needs to be for Orninicans again! Wake up and realize that all bloody foreigners are potential terrorists. It just takes one bad day where they get yelled at for dropping a plate at their dish-washing job, or not scrubbing the toilet clean enough at their maid job, and they all turn on us, without exception. Kill them all! It's the only damn way to ensure the safety of our pups.
I had some trouble today getting my flag to half-mast. The line was stuck somehow. Fiddled with it for a few hours, but it simply wouldn't budge. The neighbors must think I'm a dirty hippie or something. Gonna have to hire a guy to climb it and fix the problem before everyone in town sees it and it creates a panic. I'm actually the only one on the street with a flag pole, it's a disgrace. There should be a law against not flying the Orninican flag. There's just no shame nowadays.
The best thing we can do right now is channel our anger at the dogs that deserve it the most; the Nureongi savages. You know they were probably involved in this somehow. I say we don't even wait until they catch the terrorist, just nuke their whole primitive excuse for a country right now and be done with it. Fire off a few dozen warheads just to make sure we get them all. Wipe them off the face of the planet. I think we've been patient enough with them up to now, it's time to play hard ball. Smug little yellow barbarians.
I've been reading this newspaper for a long time, and I've contributed more of my thoughts to the comments section than any of the journalists have written in their news articles. So I think it's perfectly reasonable for me to ask the editor to please, please make the front cover tomorrow a demand to the government to remove Nureongi from the map. We can't be soft any more, this is the only way. Nuke Nureongi into oblivion. Not one of them should be left alive.
They've yanked the heart out of this great nation. We will feel the effects of these senseless murders for generations. Who's to say what consequence this will have on our flourishing civilization? We've lost nearly all our leaders! It's terrifying. What will we do without our heads of state? Without the important dogs that run all the important companies our economy depends on to stay afloat? What are we without the wealthy and powerful noble dogs that make this country so great?
I feel so sick. I admit it, I cried today. I cried my damn sissy eyes out. I love this great country with all my heart, and I have no idea how to deal with this deafening sorrow that I'm overcome with. I just want the terrorist to suffer. I want him to be in so much intense agony that every one of his nerve endings are shattered like glass. I just wish I could be the one to administer him with the torture.
To be honest, I hesitate to even leave the house to get the mail. What if there are more attacks? What if he's going after all the important dogs in the nation? War heroes would logically be next! I'm probably on his kill list too.
I've booby trapped my whole house and yard with thread-triggered shotguns just in case. I wish the government would release fleets of indoor drones to keep us safe in our houses, too. I would feel so much better if there were a couple of heavily armed, all-seeing drones hovering over my couch right now. The TV's surveillance feature alone isn't enough to stop a terrorist attack. It would be over in seconds.
We need stronger security. If something like this can happen right in the hearts of our greatest cities, how can we ever feel safe again? It's inexcusable that this attack happened under the government's nose. I demand they increase security tenfold! I won't even leave my house until the sky is turned black with drones. I want there to be so many of them flying around up there, that they block out the sun permanently. And a couple in each room of every house, and inside each vehicle, and maybe then I'll start to feel safe again.
I just want my freedom back. It's the government's job to give that to me, I pay my damned taxes.
I have to clear my head of all this fear, I just twitched and blew a hole in my coffee table. Gotta reload the trusty shotgun. Gotta calm down.
I was really pleased with this newspaper's feature yesterday on the importance of golf in relieving stress. I agree that golf should be taught in all the schools, but I'd go one step further and suggest that golf courses be built by the government in all the good communities. Of course, they shouldn't let just anyone play golf for free, or the courses would get filled with your unemployed welfare trash real fast. There would need to be some kind of screening process to keep out the scum, I would volunteer to be the screener in a heartbeat. But veterans and important business dogs should get automatic free membership without a doubt.
The common dogs don't understand what it's like being a war hero. They're such shameless ingrates. We risked our lives to protect their sorry fat behinds. Sat in freezing cold guard towers all night, shooting anyone we saw pass by not in uniform. We safeguarded democracy for all dogs everywhere and we deserve respect. We deserve free golf courses and fishing boats and Nureongi servants. It's only fair. At least they could give us one or two of the three and just see how it goes.
Everyone's always going on about how we need to support the troops, and how the troops are our best and brightest, but what about the veterans? Sure, it's all parades and pop songs while we're overseas fighting in the war, blowing the enemy to bits to keep the country free and pure, but then as soon as we come back from the damn war, they forget all about us.
When I was in the army, and we were stationed in the middle of nowhere, command even brought sexy foreign girls to the camps for us to have our way with. Where are my little foreign whores and parades now, Orninica? Where's the recognition for the sacrifices I've made so that the fat lazy youths of today can have their damn freedoms? Freedoms that they, quite frankly didn't earn and don't bloody well deserve to keep. I took a bullet in my elbow for this country, what have they done? I'll tell you what, absolutely squat all!
Take away all their freedoms, their video-games, their pornography, their rap music, their fancy running shoes and tracksuits that they wear to sit around all day picking their fat little noses. Put them all in forced labor camps for forty years and make them earn the right to live in this great land.
It's the only way to fix this country. And if they behave and get a good review every year from their supervisor, when they retire in forty years, maybe we can think about giving them back their games and music. That's the only time to be pursuing hobbies, when you're retired.
Not that I have any hobbies, mind you. I'm too busy for mindless distractions like that, and with any luck, after a full, working life, none of my forced laborers would want to waste time with hobbies, either. They'd get serious about life after working for a living, and spend their old age actually contributing to society, like I do with these letters I write to the newspapers telling them how to fix the country.
Judge II
Mr. Bobby Fifi, my dear boy, I'm writing to you regarding a matter of great significance. You don't know me, but I was a very close business associate, and dare I say, friend, of your late, great uncle. As his closest surviving blood relative, I'm afraid you're now going to have to take control of the Fifi empire. I know this is a daunting request for such a young pup to hear, but it is crucial that you rise to this challenge and meet it full on. The world needs the Fifi family, and after the terrible tragedy that has befallen us, you have no choice but to become what the nation requires you to become.
It's undoubtedly a lot to ask of a seven year old, but there's no other alternative. Without your strong leadership, the Fifi Corporation will simply collapse. Without the Fifi Corporation, the economy will surely end up in ruins. And without the economy, without the great market, where will we be? You must steer this colossal ship as best as you can to avert catastrophic collapse.
I would be very willing to be your right-hand dog in rebuilding your uncle's empire, if you'll have me. I am a nationally renowned and beloved judge, so you can surely trust that I would do my utmost to ensure the future prosperity of your great family. Your uncle trusted me above all his other advisors, and so can you.
In fact, your uncle recently took my advice and set in motion plans to establish a series of offshore holding facilities for Orninicans that have been stripped of their citizenship for committing despicable un-Orninican crimes. The documents are all written up and ready to be signed to begin the construction, and I was promised by your uncle a place on the board of directors for my part in the endeavor. His memory will always be cherished.
Of course, the other members of the board, including your wonderful parents, have died tragically, but I'd be a perfectly capable chairman of the board, and I could appoint new board members. We really have no time to mourn, business must continue for the good of everyone. Your parents would have certainly wanted you to sign these attached documents and begin the construction right away. They were very excited about the project. Very excited indeed.
You must understand, our futures, and in fact, our very lives depend on your ability to continue the legacy of the Fifi Corporation and amass greater and greater profits, like your uncle, and his father before him were able to. The offshore prison complexes on the drawing board are the first step you need to take towards financial security for yourself and for our families. Together, we can take the Fifi name to the next level. You're a very smart boy, a good boy, I know you'll do the right thing.
You know, I have a grandson about your age. He's a great fanatic of sports games. Perhaps you could entertain him on your island for a while? I'm sure he would love to meet you. It must be difficult for you, having nothing left but servants to talk to on that big scary island. I would of course come to the island with my grandson as his chaperon, and when you get a free moment, we could talk some business? If you'll just send your nice pilot to pick us up, we can be there in a matter of hours. We'll even bring a sports ball to play with! Let me know what you think.
I was actually just speaking to your dear departed mother last Wednesday. She was telling me what a strong, intelligent boy you've become. How you'd make a very wise and brave leader one day. She was convinced you are much more mature and level-headed than all the other little boys your age. She was very proud of you, Mr. Fifi, very, very proud. If only you could see the happiness in her eyes as she spoke of you one day steering the captain's wheel of the corporation.
In fact, she happened to mention to me that if she and your father and your uncle and aunt were to pass away suddenly for some unforeseen reason, she would want you to take the brave initiative in leading the Fifi Corporation right away. She insisted that only you possess the sound reasoning and handsome good-looks to follow in the footsteps of your brilliant uncle.
Your beautiful, loving mother even gave me a special medallion that she said to give to you if anything should happen to her. If you'll just send your jet to pick me and my grandson up, I'll bring you this special shiny medallion right away. I'm keeping it safe for you in my jacket pocket, close to my heart. It's a very special medallion, because it signifies all her love for you, my boy. She was really quite adamant that I pass it on to you in the case of her untimely death.
I also have many other ideas for expanding the Fifi Corporation's reach that I sadly didn't have time to share with your uncle. For instance, wouldn't it be grand if there were a mandatory insurance policy for cyclists? It's a whole market that goes untapped. Anyone operating a motor vehicle has to buy insurance from one of your fine insurance firms, but cyclists, the freeloaders that they are, don't pay you a penny. This is simply outrageous. Why should these smug cheapskate bicycle riders receive special treatment when hard-working motorists have to purchase insurance year after year? It's just an unacceptable, unfathomable double standard.
I'm sure we can set about purchasing influence with whatever new government is formed in the days ahead, and convince how ever many of your uncle's representatives in the government remain alive to pass this innovative idea of mine into law. It makes a lot of sense, no?
Another of my many golden ideas involves privatizing traffic fines. Allowing the cities to continue to collect this hefty revenue source is outrageously socialistic. This is Orninica! We should set up a division of the Fifi Corporation to issue parking and moving violations, and process the payments. There's simply no excuse for the government to be collecting this revenue in a great capitalist society such as ours. We pay our taxes and that should be more than enough for them!
We can also greatly expand on the traffic code to create many more opportunities for revenue. Of course, we'd need to lower the speed limits drastically, triple the toll stations, hike up the tolls, turn the useless bicycle and bus lanes into exclusive gold-painted high-priced roads for use only by the wealthy, and generally make the roads safer and more expensive for everyone to drive on.