Do Not Forsake Me (17 page)

Jake stepped out the cigarette and came back to sit down on the steps. He said nothing for several quiet minutes. Brian could tell he was struggling not to break down.

He finally spoke up. “I can't live without that woman, Brian, and I can't see her in pain.”

Brian sighed, wanting to weep. “Jake, if worse comes to worst, I can give Randy medicine for the pain—something to help her go peacefully. But if anything happens to both of you, it will kill Evie. My wife would never be the same, and I don't intend to lose her that way. She's a beautiful soul and she worships the ground you walk on, so don't talk about not being able to go on without Randy. Don't you
dare
do that to Evie. Randy wouldn't want that either. And as able and adept as Lloyd is now, he still needs you too. Little Jake is crazy about you, and Stephen thinks you're a hero. You have no right leaving the beautiful family that you have, so you get those thoughts out of your head. We're all here for you and for Randy. I'm a doctor. I will not let her die a horrible death. Trust me on that.”

Jake cleared his throat, then swallowed. Brian ached for the man's sorrow.

“Which means you do think she could be dying,” Jake said brokenly.

“I'm not going to believe it's cancer unless some other doctor tells me it is. I just think, based on her symptoms, we should hope for the best but…prepare for the worst. And I think that for her sake, you should think
only
the best when you're out there on the trail, Jake, because the last thing she needs is for you to get yourself hurt or killed because you didn't have your mind on what you're doing. You remember that no matter what this is, she'll never get better or have the
incentive
to get better if something happens to you. She's always been the strong one. Now
you
have to be strong—for her. You need to go back in there and let her wake up with you by her side. She needs you just as much as you need her. I've seen how she is when you're away, scared to death you won't come back.”

Jake put his head in his hands. “What should I tell her?”

“Just what I said—that I want her to see Dr. Rogers and that she might have cysts on her ovaries that will need to be removed, but that's nothing terribly serious. Don't mention cancer.”

“She's not stupid, Brian. And nobody knows me better than Randy. She'll see right through me.”

“Then you're going to have to do your best to encourage her to think positively and be supportive. That's all you can do.”

The faint sound of piano music coming from a saloon floated over the otherwise quiet night air.

“Do you hear that music, Brian?”

“I hear it.”

“Music like that—saloons, drinking, painted women, gunplay, fistfights—all those things once represented who I was…until a slip of a woman named Miranda Hayes barged into my life. That's all it took to make me want to change it all. I never knew what love meant till I met her.”

“And you should be glad you had twenty-six years of that love.” Brian sighed, getting up from the steps. “I'd better get back to Evie. She's probably really worried. Promise me you'll go back inside. Just hold her the rest of the night, Jake. That's what she needs right now.”

Jake grasped a railing and stood up. “Are you going to tell Evie?”

“I'm just going to tell her I want Randy to see another doctor before we jump to any conclusions. Randy will likely wake up in the morning feeling fine because of the medicine I gave her. Take this a day at a time and be grateful for the good days.”

Jake turned away. “Yeah. Sure.”

“Jake. I'll give you something to help you think more positive.”

Jake turned. “What's that?”

“Evie is expecting again. We're going to have another baby, which means another grandchild for you and Randy. Try taking that as a good sign that things will be all right. And tell Randy. That will really brighten her day.”

Jake managed a smile. “That's damn good news. You tell Evie I just hope this one doesn't run her ragged the way Little Jake does.”

“Well, we're
both
hoping for that.”

Jake put out his hand. “If it had been up to me, I couldn't have picked a better husband for my daughter.”

Brian grasped his hand. “I suppose I could have picked a saner family to marry into, but being married to Evie makes it all worth it. She's one thing you did completely right, Jake. And she still needs her father. Do you understand what I'm telling you?”

Jake squeezed his hand. “I understand.”

Brian let go of his hand. “Go on back inside and hold your wife.” He gave Jake a shove. “And once she's awake, do whatever else you want to do with her. You won't hurt her.”

Jake smiled sadly and watched Brian walk off. He went back inside and locked the back door, forcing himself to shake off the darkness that enveloped him. His hands moved into fists.
Don't you let her die
, he prayed angrily.

He walked into the bedroom and watched her for a moment, thinking how beautiful she looked with her honey-blond hair spread out on the pillow. He removed his shirt and pants and wiped the bottoms of his feet on a braided rug before easing into bed beside her. He moved an arm around her, and in her sleepy state, she curled against him. He quietly wept.

Randy stirred, feeling a bit groggy. It took her a moment to realize someone had undressed her and she wore only her flannel gown. Jake's arms were around her, and she lay with her back against him. From the slant of the light coming in from the window, she realized it was morning. “Jake?”

He pulled her closer. “I was beginning to wonder if you'd ever wake up.” He kissed her behind the ear.

“My gosh. Did
you
undress me?”

“Who the hell else would have?”

She put a hand to her face. “What on earth did Brian give me?”

“I don't know, but whatever it was, you've been out like you went on a drinking binge. You even talked to me, but like a drunk woman. You don't remember?”

“No! I don't remember a thing!” She turned onto her back. “What did you do to me after you undressed me?”

He grinned, kissing her neck. “Unspeakable things. Horrible…shameful…unspeakable things. You don't even want to know. You'd never talk to me again. I'd be out in somebody's doghouse if I told you.”

She pushed at him. “You did not.”

“Oh, I figured I'd take advantage of the situation, and I did all the things you've always been too embarrassed to let me do. Only the worst prostitute in the worst brothel in Oklahoma would let me do such things.”

Randy couldn't help a smile. “And how would you know that?”

“I've seen it all and done it all.” He met her mouth in a deep kiss. “It was great.”

“You'd better be lying,” she told him when he moved his kisses back to her throat.

“I never lie to you. You have been properly ravished,
mi
querida
. We had nothing but disrespectful sex last night.”

“
Is
there such a thing?”

“You bet. I got to know things about you I never realized in twenty-six years of sleeping with you.”

She laughed softly. “You're being mean.”

“Mean is what I'm known for.”

Randy studied his eyes and saw the hint of fear behind all the joking. “What did Brian tell you?”

His smile faded a little. “He told me it's okay to have sex with you.”

Her eyes widened. “You didn't ask him about that!”

He grinned again. “Of course I did. Do you think your son-in-law doesn't know we still frolic in bed?”

“Jake, I will never be able to face him again.”

“Mrs. Harkner, who are you married to?”

“Jake Harkner.”

“Do you really think those closest to us don't know a man like me still enjoys women?”

“
Women?
As in plural?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I'm not sure I do. Did you really just take a bath at that brothel the last time you were gone?” she teased.

“I really did.”

“And who helped bathe you?”

“Me, myself, and I.”

Randy grinned. “I'm not sure I believe that.”

“Who loves you more than his own life?”

“You.”

“And there is your answer.”

“And those two years on the Outlaw Trail?”

He nuzzled her neck. “That was a very bad time, and I thought you should leave me.”

“And are we headed for another bad time? Do you think you're losing me again, Jake?”

He sobered. “I think I love you now more than I ever have—ever. And I will be here for you—all of me. I will never, never hurt you.”

He started to kiss her again, but she put her hand over his mouth. “What did Brian tell you? You're avoiding the answer, Jake.”

He sighed and kissed her throat again. “He said he wants you to see Ed Rogers, who knows a lot more about these things than Brian does. He thinks you probably have some cysts or something on your ovaries and that they can easily be removed and you'd be fine.”

She closed her eyes and thought a moment. “Did he mention cancer?”

“We aren't going to even consider that.”

“Jake—”

“Don't you say that word. I mean it. You do
not
have cancer!”

She breathed deeply, fighting her own fears. “Jake, I might need you to be really strong for me. You don't know how to handle something over which you have no control, and this is something you can't hit or shoot or put in jail. You might have to find a different kind of strength, Jake.”

He studied her lovingly—the golden hair that still showed no gray, the eyes that changed from gray to green depending on the light, the nearly flawless skin. “I did look at you last night, but not in a bad way. I thought how perfect you still are, a woman any man would still consider desirable. I thought how absolutely unfair it would be if the worst happened because you goddamn well don't deserve it. It should be
m
e
! This body has been wounded and battered and mistreated my whole life. I once drank too much, and I smoke too much, and I don't eat right, and I'm out risking my life most of the time. I never even should have survived my childhood. I've committed every sin a man can commit, and here I am still alive, and as far as I know, there isn't a damn thing wrong with me. So why should it be
you
?”

She ran her fingers through his thick hair, searching his face as if she could sense his fear. She had to know losing someone in his family, his source of love, was the only thing on earth that frightened him. “Maybe it
isn't
me, Jake. Maybe, like you said, it will turn out all right. Maybe if we make love, we can pretend nothing is wrong. Maybe we should just take a day at a time and enjoy what we have right now.” She leaned up and kissed him. “And maybe I'd like to know what disrespectful sex is.”

He smiled sadly. “I assure you, you
don't
want to know. You're too good and perfect and beautiful for any man to make love to you in any way but just like that—good and perfect and beautiful.”

“It's always been that way with you…good…” She wrapped her arms around his neck. “And perfect…” She arched against his naked body. “And beautiful…” She moved so that he was between her legs. “And you deliberately left off my underwear, didn't you?”

“Of course I did.”

He met her mouth in a groaning kiss, wanting her in a different way this time…wanting to brand her because they would see Peter later…wanting to claim her, and to tell whatever was sneaking around inside her body to go away and leave her alone…wanting to make sure he could still do this without hurting her. She didn't seem to want any foreplay. She just wanted her husband inside of her, and he wanted the same.

Nothing was going to take her from him…no man who might love her…no man who might want to hurt her just because she was Jake Harkner's wife…and no disease…nothing…nothing. He raised up on his elbows to keep his weight off of her.

“I don't want to hurt you,” he whispered.

“You won't.” Randy closed her eyes and sucked in her breath when he entered her. “Nothing hurts. It just feels wonderful.” She arched up to him, wanting to know she was alive and still able to please this man who took so much pleasure in return and knew how to enjoy both. Sometimes this was as erotic and fulfilling as all the foreplay and all the different ways there were to do this put together…just the act itself, because it was the utmost form of sharing souls and the most satisfying way of giving and taking and branding and owning. It wasn't for wicked pleasure so much as a sensual, deep, gratifying way to express a love that nothing could destroy…two people so close to each other that they were one.

He pushed her gown up with one hand while moving his other hand under her bottom to press deeper as he tasted one breast. He didn't want to take too long, worried she'd feel pain. Before long, his life spilled into her. He pushed up the other side of her gown and kissed both breasts, her neck—and, hungrily, her mouth.

“All of a sudden I can't get enough of you,” he said softly, “but you were hurting. Don't tell me you weren't.”

“Jake, I—”

“We're way too connected, Randy.” He kissed her eyes. “It's okay to tell me to stop.”

“It's a good pain. I don't mind it. It makes me know I'm alive and with you. I wish you didn't have to leave again.”

“I have to wait a good week yet.”

“I'm scared for you to go this time. Marty Bryant is out there.”

“You know I can damn well take care of Marty Bryant.”

“And this thing with me…I'm scared, Jake. I want you with me.”

“I'm right here.”

“Make love to me again. We have time.”

“You're in pain.”

“I don't care. It's not that bad. I'm scared time might be short and we won't be able—”

He stopped her words with another kiss. “Don't say it,” he told her then between more kisses. “It's not going to happen, Randy. We're going to think positive about this and realize we won't know a damn thing until you see that doctor. Things could turn out just fine. God isn't going to take away someone as good and beautiful as my wife.” He reached down to guide himself into her again, moving both hands under her hips and pulling her to him.

“Who do you belong to?” he groaned next to her ear.

“Jake Harkner.”

“Who?”

“
Jake
Harkner.
”

“Every inch of your beautiful body.” He met her mouth again, running his tongue deep while invading that sweet place no one else had touched since he took her in a covered wagon somewhere out on the plains on the way to Nevada twenty-six years and a lifetime of heartaches ago. No damn disease was going to take her away from him. He wouldn't let it. There had to be a way to fight this thing. Fighting and killing his enemies was all he knew, and whatever was wrong now, it had become his worst enemy. He would claim her and claim her and make sure that this new enemy knew she belonged only to Jake Harkner, and that
it
could not have her.

Her reaction surprised even him. She kissed him in an almost unfamiliar, wild way. She dug her nails into his back, and after several minutes they climaxed again, together. He kissed her eyes, tasted tears.

“God, Randy, don't cry. It will be okay. I know it will.” He pulled her tight against him as he rolled to his side.

“You'll come back, won't you? The next time you go away, you'll come back.”

“Of course I will. Why wouldn't I come back? I
always
come back.”

“I just don't want to be alone for this, Jake. I'd have Katie and Evie, but that's not the same. I can't do it without you. When you leave again, you can't let this make you careless. If something happened to you now…”

He kissed her over and over. “Nothing will happen.”

“But this last thing…when I thought you were dying, I felt like
I
was dying. You think you can't live without me, but I feel the same way, Jake. I feel so safe right here in your arms. Even if it's the worst and I
am
dying, I want to die right here in your arms.”

“Don't!” He crushed her against him. “Don't talk that way. It's not like you to give up so easily, Randy Harkner. Brian said to think positive about this, and if I don't, I'll go insane.
You
need to be positive too.” He pulled back. “Look at me,
mi
querida
.”

She wiped at her tears with a shaking hand and looked at him.

“This is you and me, and we'll fight this together. My God, we've been through so much, Randy. And the way you look, so beautiful and radiant and flawless…that just tells me this isn't something ugly and life threatening. You wouldn't look so healthy and perfect. You keep telling me I need to have more faith, so that's what I'm going to do. If that God of yours brings you through this, I'll even go to church with you. How's that for a promise?”

She seemed to brighten. “You will?”

“I will.”

“Oh, Jake, won't that make people turn and stare?”

He smiled for her. “I'm sure it will. The preacher will probably end up speechless and forget his sermon.”

That made her smile. “That really might happen.”

“This could be really interesting.”

She ran a finger over his lips. “I wonder what they would all think about disrespectful sex.”

“I'm sure most of them don't even know what that is.”

“Well, before you and Lloyd leave again, I want to have disrespectful sex with you.”

“I told you I already did that to you last night when you were acting like a wanton drunk.”

“But you said you made that up.”

He kissed her again. “I guess you'll never know, will you?”

“Well then, was it good?”

“It was the best I've ever had.”

“Now we're back to the whores.”

“At least I'm a man who knows what the best should feel like.” God, how he ached for her. He'd keep her smiling. He had to keep her smiling. “And I have some news for you.”

“Oh?”

“You're going to have a third grandchild.”

She beamed. “Who? Katie or Evie?”

“Evie. Brian told me last night.”

“Oh, I'm glad for them! They've been trying. Brian is so good to her, Jake.”

“Well, now we both have something to look forward to, and all the more reason to fight this thing. I'll be right here. Let me be your strength.”

“You've always been my strength. You thought I was the strong one, but I am weak without you, Jake Harkner. No woman could love a man more than I love you.”

“Then you're a crazy woman, because I have to be the least lovable man on the face of the earth.”

“Oh, no. You, Jake Harkner, are easy to love. You might not be easy to
live
with…but you're so easy to love.”