Discovering Stella (39 page)

Stella started to slowly
move
around me,
her
stare intently fixed
on
what was
over my shoulder. Her
sudden change of behaviour was
again
freaking me
out.
“What?” I asked,
curiously.
She
didn’t
answer and, instead,
as
if in a trance, kept slowly
walking
toward what had caught
her
attention.

Confused, I turned around and discovered she was transfixed by the hospital nursery,
or,
more
accurately, the babies lying in the cribs.

“Stella, what is it?” I asked again, stepping up beside
her.
My
heart had picked up a beat, warning me that something
wasn’t
right,
but it
was the tears streaming
out
of
her
glazed and unblinking eyes, drowning
her
face, that set off
my
inner alarm.

I lightly touched
her
arm. “Princess,
talk
to
me.”

Like always,
calling
her
by
her
nickname seemed to do the trick and she snapped
out
of
her
daze.
She
turned
her
head just slightly and met
my
eyes. “What date is it?” she asked, a terrified expression
taking
her
face
prisoner.

Looking at
my
watch, I quickly answered.
“May
twenty-fifth.”
As
soon
as
those words left
my
mouth,
Stella’s
body
shut
down and began collapsing before me. I reached
out
and caught
her
in
my
arms,
but
I
wasn’t
quick enough to stop
her
from hitting
her
head
on
the ledge of the nursery
window.

“Shit! Somebody
help,”
I called
out,
capturing a
nurse’s
attention.

She
rushed to
my side
and helped me lay Stella down. “What happened?” she asked,
as
she checked Stella
for injury,
finding the blood
on
the
side
of
her
head.

“She
just fainted. I
didn’t
catch
her
in time and she hit
her
head
on
the
ledge.”

“Okay, let’s
get
her
checked by a
doctor.”
She
gave me a pat
on
the arm
for
reassurance.
It
did fuck all. In fact, I just knelt there and stared at Stella lying still before me,
as
had Vicky
not
two hours earlier. I
didn’t
know
how
much
more
I could take. I’d experienced enough drama in
one
afternoon to last me a bloody lifetime.

*
 
*
 
*

Stella had been
moved
to a bed and checked
over
by a doctor who
now
sat down with me to explain
her
condition.
“Her
CT
scan shows no
major
damage. Due to the length of time she was unresponsive,
we’ve
categorised
her
injury
as
a moderate grade concussion. Stella did wake briefly after the scan,
but
has since fallen
into
what we
call
a minimally conscious state. Apart from
some
discomfort in the form of a headache, we expect
her
to make a
full
recovery.
We’ll
know
more
when she wakes
properly.”

My
hand gently squeezed the base of
my
neck
as
I tried to relieve
some tension.
All
these medical terms were stressing me
out.
“Can I see her?”

“Of course.
Follow
me,”
he said, nodding and pressing his lips
together,
his expression mildly sympathetic.

As
I sat down beside
Stella’s
bed and gently stroked
her
cheek, being
careful
not
to touch the small bandage
on
the
side
of
her
head that covered the cut underneath
...
the result of
her
colli
sion
with the ledge.
Even
suffering a concussion, she was still the most gorgeous thing I’d ever laid
my
eyes
on.
But
I knew she still had secrets hidden within that beautiful body of hers, secrets that would keep hurting
her
for
as
long
as
she kept them in.
Bloody hell, Princess, just let me love you.

I did
love
her.
I knew that
now.
Actually, I think I truly accepted
it
was
love
that I felt
for
Stella the day we visited the strawberry farm. Mum once said to me that
“You
know
you
love
someone
when the thought of them no longer being in your life is unbearable. When just
thinking
about that loss churns your stomach and makes your blood run cold. If
that’s
the reaction
you
get at just the
mere
thought of being without them, then
it’s
love.”
She’d then
gone on
to tell me that
love
takes many forms and no
love
is the same
as
another.

Holding
onto
Stella’s
hand while I waited
for
her
to wake
up,
her
phone
rang from within the drawer of
her
bedside table.
It
was
Julia’s
ringtone.
Fuck!
I quickly grabbed
it
to turn
it
off,
but then stared at
her
friend’s name and, without
thinking,
answered the
call.
“Hello.”

“Oh,
I think
I’ve
dialled the wrong
number,”
Julia responded, unsure.

“Is this Julia?”

“Yes!
Who’s
this?”

“You
haven’t
dialled the wrong
number.
I’m
Lawson,
Stella’s
boyfriend,” I explained.

“Who? Oh
...
ohhh,”
she stuttered.
“I’m
...
I’m
sorry,
I
didn’t
know.
Is she available?”

Standing
up,
I walked
over
to the window and turned back around to watch Stella. I knew that what I was about to do might jeopardise what we had,
but
I
couldn’t
bear the thought of seeing
her
hurt anymore: physically or mentally.
She
needed to face
her
past once and for all, and if sacrificing our relationship would help
her
do that, then
it
was a
painful
no-brainer.
It
was
also
a part of the knight’s code of conduct:
To
fight for the welfare of
all.

“Julia, Stella needs your
help.
I’m
at the Shepparton District Hospital, sitting by
her
bedside.
Now,
before
you
panic,
she’s
okay
...
physically, anyway.
She
fell and hit
her
head. What
wor
ries me
more
is why she fell in the first place. Julia
...
what is so significant about
today’s
date?”

I heard a small sob followed by a sniffle.
“Today
is
Quinn’s
birthday.”

“Who is Quinn?” I asked, confused.

“I’m
on my
way.”

With that, she hung
up,
and I could only stare at the
phone,
even
more
head-fucked
than
I already was.
Who is Quinn? No
...
it couldn’t be.

Looking at Stella,
my
heart that was
full
of
love
for
this woman
broke
at what I thought — and dreaded — was the other missing piece
of
her
mysterious puzzle.

Only those who are lost can be found

Never in
my
life had I so wanted to close
my
eyes after opening them.

The light filtering in through the slits of
my
parting eyelids pierced through
my
head like a laser beam and the sharp pain merged with the pounding sensation that was vibrating through
my
skull. These unpleasant after-effects of a concussion were bad enough,
but
a stronger motivation
for
drifting back to sleep came from the fact that
waking
up meant I had to face why I was lying in a hospital bed in the first place.

After
I’d woken
briefly,
the nurses and doctor explained I’d hit
my
head when I fell earlier in the
day.
They also explained that I’d had a
CT
scan, which gave me a clean bill of health,
but
I should just rest
as
I would be very sore. I
hadn’t
suffered any form of amnesia, because I could remember this exchange
taking
place, and if I was going to be completely
honest
that kind of disappointed me. I wanted to forget why I’d fainted, why the
world
had come crashing down
on
me with a weight of despair so great I could do nothing other
than
switch myself off. I wanted to forget why today
tore
my
heart to shreds.
But
I
couldn’t. No
matter
how
hard
you
try
to bury what destroys you,
it’s
the pretence and self-deception in that act
of
burying that
will
eventually tear
you
apart.

Clearing
my
throat, the
awful
feeling of thirst had me wincing.
My
mouth was
dry
and
it
felt
horrible.

“Stella,
are
you
okay?
Do
you
need
the
nurse?”
I
heard
Lawson
say.
I opened
my
eyes completely and forced myself to ignore the discomfort so that I could focus
on
his towering frame above me.

“I’m
thirsty,”
I rasped.

“Here.”
He
held up a
cup,
with a
straw,
to
my
mouth. “The nurse said to
sip it
slowly.”

The cool fluid flowed across
my
tongue and saturated
my
mouth and throat.
It
was wonderful.
Oh, that is so much better.
“Thank
you.”

Sitting back down, he trailed his finger down
my
cheek.
“How
are
you
feeling?”

“Awful,”
I explained, tears welling in
my
eyes
as
a kaleidoscope of emotions
bubbled
to the surface and spilled
over.
Seeing him so concerned and attentive hit me hard.
It
also reinforced that I
loved
him and that scared me to death. Throwing that emotional revelation
into
the
mix
of others swimming around in
my
bat
tered brain meant I was a
complete
mess.

“Don’t
cry,
Princess.
You’ll
feel
worse.”

“I’m
so
sorry,”
I sobbed, wiping
my
tears and
trying
to stem the tide.

He
leaned in and kissed me
gently.
“You
have no reason to be
sorry, but you
have to stop keeping things in.
It’s
not
healthy.”
Lawson looked down then across to the other
side
of
my
bed.
“And
that’s
why I
told
Julia
you
were
here.”

I followed his line of sight until I came face to face with
my
best friend of six years. “What?”

“Ellie,
thank
god
you’re
all
right.
I’ve
been so
worried,”
she said
quickly,
dragging
her
chair closer to the bed and placing
her
hand
on
mine.

I was speechless and confused,
but
especially feeling
an
over
whelming sense of guilt.
It
was too much.
All
of it. And rather
than
accept
it
was time to finally succumb to everything I had fled from, I turned to Lawson and directed
my
ball of anger at him.
“You
called her?”

“No,”
Julia interrupted,
“I
called you. Lawson answered and was worried.
He
told
me
you
were
here
and, because today is —”

“Enough!” I shouted, closing
my
eyes and regretting the
out
burst the
moment
I let
it out.
“Get out! Both of you, just leave. I want to be left
alone.”

“Stella,
I’m
sorry, but
she needed to
know.”
Lawson grabbed
my
hand, his explanation suffused with equal amounts of regret and confidence in the decision he’d made.

I kept
my
eyes
shut,
took back
my
hand, and gritted
my
teeth. “Get. Out!”

The next thing I heard was the scraping
of
chairs, footsteps and the sound of the door opening and closing.
As
it
clicked
shut,
a
profound
emptiness took
over my
soul, leaving me
more
hollow
than
I ever thought imaginable and prompting a pain-filled
cry
to escape
my
body.

“Oh
god!” I sobbed, shaking
my
head from
side
to
side
as
tears found their way
out
of
my
still tightly closed eyes.
“I
can’t
do this any
more.”

“Yes,
you can,”
Julia’s
soft
voice
sounded, at the same time
as
her
hand found mine again.

I
didn’t
flinch.
Truth
be
told,
the fact she was so stubborn and
hadn’t
left me alone was comforting and helped with the pain.
“I
can’t,
Jules.
It’s
too
hard.”

“Estelle,
you
have to face what
you’ve
lost.
You
can’t
truly
hon
our
Quinn’s
life until
you
accept that
she’s
gone.”

Hearing
her
name stabbed me through the heart.
“No.
No,
no,
no.
She’s
not real,”
I cried.

“Quinn was real.
She
was your baby girl and
her
short life deserves to be acknowledged by
her
mother.
Estelle,
you
have to accept she was a part of your life, is a part of your life, and
will
always be a part of your life,
but
that she is
now
up in Heaven with
her
daddy —”

“He
killed her!” I
bit
out
harshly, at the same time
as
opening
my
eyes and finding
Julia’s.
“He
ended
her
life when he drove
home
drunk.
He
doesn’t
deserve to be with
her,”
I cried again.
“I
do.
I want
my
baby girl!” In that
moment
my
existence crumbled
into
pieces of loss and heartache.
“I
had the most precious
four-month-old
baby to have ever lived,
Jules,”
I yelled, the sobs in between
my
words wracking
my
body.
“And
those four months of
my
life had been the most
fulfilling
and rewarding a person could experience.
We
were happy —
Tristan,
Quinn and I.
We
were
Tristan’s
angels and he would tell us that every
day.”

“I
know,
Ellie. I
know.
Tristan worshipped the ground
you
walked
on.”

Closing
my
eyes again, I continued to
cry.
“Then why? They were
here
and then
...
then
...
they were gone. Just like
that.”

Tristan had torn himself and Quinn
out
of
my
life
as
if they’d never been a part of it, so
that’s
what I’d
told
myself: that they’d been a dream, because
it
was the only logical explanation.

They’d simply never been a part of
my
life.

“Let
it
out, sweetie,” Julia said
as
she climbed
onto
the bed and wrapped
her
arms around me. “Let
it
out, once and for
all.
It’s
time to acknowledge what
you
had, what
you
lost and what
you
can
have once
again.
It’s
time for
you
to forgive and say
goodbye.”

I took comfort in
my
best friend’s arms
for
a time I cannot calculate,
but
the measure of
how long
she rocked me
as
I cried, wept and dozed, and lay
silent
while I remembered
my
life with
my
husband and daughter, was
not
important. What was
impor
tant was
how
I felt when I finally
told
her
to release me from
her
arms; I felt —
for
the first time in nearly two years — at peace.

“I
don’t
know about you,
but
I need to
pee,”
I said, exhausted,
but
with a wan smile.

She
stood up and stretched. “Thank goodness
for
that.”

After
relieving myself and climbing back
into
bed, and after Jules did the same and came to
sit
back down in the chair, I turned to
her
and simply mouthed the
word,
Thanks
.
She
winked and then looked down at
her
fidgeting fingers.

“I’m
sorry,”
I said, barely above a whisper.
“I’m
sorry I ran and
didn’t
tell you.
I’m
sorry
I’ve
worried you. I just
couldn’t stay.
I
couldn’t
be in that house
...
in that town
for
a second
longer.
It
was killing
me.”

“It’s
okay.
I
know.
But you
really need to get in contact with your parents. They are worried sick.
Even
your
mum.”

Turning my
head to look at the ceiling, I closed
my
eyes
for
a
split
second and released a breath, knowing she was right. I needed to
call
them soon and explain
my
sudden absence,
but
not
today.
Today,
I needed Lawson. I needed him to need me. I needed to let him
into my
heart and let him know he belonged there. I just hoped
it
was what he needed
as
well.

Stretching
for
my
phone,
I scrolled to
Lawson’s
number.
“I
will
call
them. I promise.
But
first, I need to
call
Lawson. I need to make things right with him
more
than
anyone.”