Digging Out (32 page)

“On the little flight from Durango to Denver I told the flight attendant that I was scared and so she sat next to me. When it got bumpy she explained everything about hot air rising and mixing with cold air. She pointed out the sound the wheels make when they go up and come down and all that stuff. Next time we fly together, I’ll explain it all to you.”

In the kitchen, Dafydd is sitting awkwardly on a stool. He keeps changing the position of his legs and readjusting his shoulders, and Evan seems to be listening intently while he stirs the griddlecake mixture, nodding his head as Dafydd talks. Evan looks up when we come into the room.

“Dafydd is just filling me in on their adventure. You know he called Beti to fetch Hannah’s passport, but she didn’t have a key, so she had to climb in one of the upstairs windows. Then apparently she
couldn’t find the passport in your desk where it should have been, right, Dafydd?” Dafydd nods. “And she was rummaging around when the neighborhood security folks saw a light on. Knowing you weren’t home, it seems, the guards came in and threatened to arrest Bed. Finally, Dafydd called a neighbor, who came over to clear her with the security company. Then the whole crowd of them began looking for the passport, including the officer. When they found it, Beti rushed it by FedEx to Dafydd. I’m impressed.” He shakes his head in amazement. “S’pose we should ring your mother and let her know they arrived here safely? Can you imagine her opening her front door and finding her grandchildren there on her stoop with their bags?” He laughs nervously.

“That’s probably not so funny, Evan,” I say rather gruffly.

“Oh, it is, too! They’re here safe and sound.” He runs his hand through his hair. “It’s amazing, really.”

“Dafydd,” I interrupt. He turns toward me, waiting for me to complete my sentence. And then I don’t know what to say. “Well,” I finally manage.

“Well?” he says.

“What’s your plan?”

“Plan?” He looks confused.

“Yes, now that you’re here, what are you going to do?”

“I don’t have a plan, Mom.”

I can feel myself begin to slide inside. I am so angry with him, as if it is Dafydd’s fault Hannah was homesick. His fault that I didn’t leave a number.

“I was hoping
you’d
have one,” he says, sounding just as angry.

“Okay, okay. So why don’t we have some breakfast?” Evan says quickly. “I suspect your children are exhausted, with the time change and all. We need some food. Then we can talk about a plan. I’ve no doubt, Alys, that your mam and da will be wanting to spend as much time with your children as they can. And I know I’d like that, too.”

“Yes, well’ this isn’t exactly how I envisioned the two of you meeting after all these years. Or you, either, Hannah.” I put my arm around her.

“Plans are sometimes that way—that’s the adventure of life, isn’t it!” Evan says a little too buoyantly. “Here we all are, extraordinary
as it is,” he adds, clapping his hands together just like a third grade teacher would.

“Yes, here we are,” Dafydd awkwardly agrees. We stand quiet for a moment.

Evan breaks the silence. “I think the occasion calls for some grid-dlecakes. What do you think, Alys?”

I shake myself free. “Yes, griddlecakes.”

“I like your house,” Hannah says to Evan somewhat grudgingly. “It’s cozy.”

During breakfast Hannah tells us about her experience at camp. She tells us about her bunkmate and how she said “shit” and “fuck” all the time. She tells us about how they’d hiked up the bottom of Engineer Mountain and it had started to thunder and lightning and they’d camped out in tents in the pouring rain.

“I just suddenly didn’t want to be there. I wasn’t that scared or anything. I just wanted to come home. I tried to stick it out. I really did. I thought I was going to be able to. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t do it. I missed you, Mommy.”

Evan, who is sitting next to her, leans over and touches her hand affectionately. “I’m glad you’re here, Hannah.”

“Thanks.” She moves her hand quickly away, then turns her head and looks at me, squinting her eyes again a little, waiting for me to say something. A moment later, looking at Evan, she quickly adds, “I’m glad I’m here, too.” Then she looks away.

At breakfast, across the table from one another, Evan and Dafydd seem to stumble a bit in their conversation until they find they have music and soccer in common.

“I don’t play rugby, but I play soccer,” Dafydd says. “D’you think Wales will ever qualify for the World Cup? I’m surprised they haven’t already.”

All through breakfast, they fire away at each other.

“Sting’s my all-time favorite. The guy’s a genius. He’s always one step ahead of everybody else, despite his age,” Dafydd says.

“His age? Despite his age?” Evan smiles. “Goodness, I haven’t noticed that talent fades with age. There’s Sting and there’s David Bowie and Philip Glass. They’ve all gotten better with age, don’t you agree? D’you know Glass’ work?” Evan asks. “What about that Virginia Woolf movie? Wasn’t that score something!”

“Relentless,” Dafydd answers, sounding just like Marc.

After breakfast, Dafydd goes into the guest room and lies down. Hannah is totally wired. The difference in my children.

“You look exactly like Dafydd,” she tells Evan, a little friendlier now. “How come you and my mom never got married?” She doesn’t wait for an answer. “I told my friend Abigail that my mom got pregnant out of wedlock and my brother was the result. But Abby didn’t know what wedlock was, so I don’t think she understood the story.” She is talking too fast.

“How in the world do
you
know what wedlock means, young lady?” I ask her.

“I read it somewhere. Probably
Little Women
. Probably Jo said it, you think?”

She asks Evan if he’s had any girlfriends since me. He looks embarrassed for a moment, but then tells her he’s had one. Hannah’s eyes get big. She says, “Won’t she be angry that my mom’s here?”

When he tells her it was a long time ago, Hannah nods. “Do you have other kids?” she asks.

“No, Dafydd’s it.”

She nods again.

“Hannah!” I say. “Stop. This is rude.”

“I’m just checking things out.” She seems just a tad too comfortable with everything, the other shoe hanging around somewhere, waiting to drop. Then she asks if she can have a tour of the whole “little” house and the garden.

“Certainly,” Evan says. “But I rather you didn’t refer to it as ‘little,’ ” he says, sniffing in twice and lifting his head in that way the British do when they want to show distaste toward something. “It’s not so little a cottage, you know. I’ll show you some of the work I did on it. It’s over three hundred years old. There wasn’t even an inside toilet when I bought it.”

Evan takes her around the house. I don’t know what to think or exactly how to move forward. I do the washing up and put another log on the fire.

When they come out of the library, Hannah announces, “There’s tons of room. I think Dafydd and I should stay here.”

I look at Evan. He raises his eyebrows. “She’s decided she wants to sleep in the library, and Dafydd can have the red room.” That’s
where he’s napping now. “Perhaps it would be easier on your mam, with your da and all.”

Despite the fact that my suitcase is in the red room, I am uncomfortable because now I am sure Hannah understands I am sleeping in Evan’s room.

“Please, Mommy,” Hannah begs. “I want to be with you.” She says this looking first at me, and then at Evan. I wonder if what she really means is that she wants to guard me.

Evan moves toward me and puts his arm around my shoulder. Hannah watches every move carefully.

“Relax, Alys,” he says.

I step away from him in embarrassment. “I’d better call Mam. She’ll be wondering what’s going on. By now Da will be up and I told her I’d come over this afternoon and—”

“Alys,” Evan gently interrupts. “You and I planned a hike for this afternoon, remember? They won’t mind. We’ll go over directly after. Now, while Dafydd naps, why don’t you rest? I’ll show Hannah the garden and then maybe we’ll all be ready for that little hike. Something easy. We could show them around the village a bit, or walk up the back way to your parents’.”

I stand still. “I’m not exactly comfortable with all of this.”

“I can tell,” Evan says quietly.

Hannah rolls her eyes. She asks Evan, “Do you have a TV?”

“I’m sorry. I don’t.”

“Figures.” She glares at me. “Do you have a CD player?”

“I absolutely do, and I’ve lots of CDs—rock ‘n’ roll, the Beatles. You’ll find something you like, I bet.” He is trying so hard. “In the library, and it’s fairly simple to operate. In fact, it’s on, I think. Just waiting for a new choice.” She goes off to find it. “Holler if you can’t figure it out.” He watches her leaving, then turns to me. “I think it’s pretty interesting that the two of them should show up now.”

“Oh, yeah, perfect timing,” I say.

“It’s kind of brave of Dafydd to come after you explicitly told him you wanted to do this trip alone. And clearly, Hannah needed you.”

“I’m sorry, but the timing stinks.”

“It is what it is, Alys. You’re a mother, after all. Why do you have to be comfortable with it?”

“Because I do. I feel like I’m in kindergarten again and I just want to stamp my feet.”

He laughs. “So go ahead, stamp them. No one’s looking but me.” He starts to put both his arms around me.

“Don’t, Evan.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Hannah ’ Dafydd. I just feel so’ cornered, I guess. Finally, you and I have a bit of a chance to begin to sort through some things together. And I was looking forward to sifting through my own feelings about everything. Now I have to add my children into the equation. I know that sounds self-centered and selfish, but I didn’t want to have to worry about my children. That’s why I didn’t bring them.

“I was beginning to see the possibilities of putting some things behind me and exploring others, not to mention being with you—like this, alone, undressed. Now, with my children here, my trip becomes something entirely different. Trying to make them comfortable, looking after them. You know, I always want what’s best for them. It’s second nature to want to see everything through their eyes—even Mam and Da—
especially
them, really. And they’ll want to know all about my past. I’ll have to go through all the hard things I’ve managed to shield them from: the cemetery, Hallie, Parry. I become ‘Mom,’ as you point out. Something I was trying to have a little break from. I don’t want to be Mom right now. I want to be’ oh, I don’t know. But not Mom. We won’t have an opportunity to be together, at least not in the same way. I just don’t think I’m up to it.” And I start to cry.

“Oh, is that all?” he says, putting his arms around me, and this time I let him.

“It’s not funny. I’m serious.”

“I know you’re serious. But it is kind of funny the way you turn everything into the most unbelievable drama. There’s enough going on in your life as it is without blowing things completely out of proportion. Let some of this stuff go.”

Of course, he doesn’t know the half of what’s going on in my life. But I can already feel myself calming down, and it makes me mad that he has that kind of power over me. Always did.

“How can you be so utterly calm? First I descend on you, and now my children. You must be thinking we are here to eat you alive.”

“Alys. In a million years I certainly never expected to have the opportunity of you in my life, let alone in my bed, again. Nor did I expect to have your children in my house. But can you imagine what it must feel like for me to finally be able to meet Dafydd’ and Hannah? ‘Omigod,’ as you would say. She reminds me of someone, her strength, her independence. She even looks like you looked back then. She is completely willing to tell you what she feels and needs. And even if your amazing daughter isn’t so keen on me, I respect her for letting me know exactly where I stand. To have all of you in my house, is the most—let’s see, how can I say it without sounding completely daft? Having all of you here is the most deeply comforting thing I have experienced since I was very small and living in my own parents’ home.

“I wonder,” he continues. “Couldn’t you just let us be whatever it is that we are becoming in front of your children? What could possibly happen other than for them to have to deal with sharing you?”

I start to pull away.

“Wait. Don’t pull away. Pulling away is my job,” he says, teasingly. “Couldn’t you just relax enough to enjoy this? If you look at it, we all actually win. Dafydd gets an opportunity to know me some, which he says he’s been desirous of for years. I get an opportunity to know him, which I have been desirous of since he was born. And you and I both get to comfort Hannah. Not to mention they’ll get to know their grandparents and Auntie Beryl. If you were able to look at it from a bit of a different tilt, the next several days could be an unbelievable adventure.”

“You don’t get it, Evan. Perhaps for Dafydd it’s not as relevant—he’s older. But my being with you will be hard for Hannah. She’s already watchful and uncomfortable. Consciously or unconsciously, she wants me to continue to be completely devoted to her father. This is complicated.”

“Oh. I hadn’t actually thought about that. You might be right. But if we are to move forward a bit, wouldn’t it be wise to show at least some affection toward each other in front of them?” Evan asks.

“I don’t know. These are not questions I wanted to think about just yet.”

“Yes. I can see that. I hear you. Well, whatever happens down the road between us—I guess having your children here will slow it
down a bit. In the end, maybe it will buy us time and save us any further possibility of heartache.”

“Maybe,” I agree.

Evan is giving me exactly what I need and have longed for through this terrible, long, lonely year. It occurs to me that perhaps somehow what’s happening here is similar in a way to what Gabriella offered Marc: an unconditional, easy, really safe place to love.

“Come on, Allie, what do you say I just take your clothes off and ravage you right here on the kitchen floor?”

I laugh.

“Come here. I promise I will be sensitive. I’m just trying to take what we’ve got, no matter that it’s not exactly what or when either of us might have imagined it.”