Die for You (35 page)

“Nothing, really.” I recounted the conversation for him as we exited and moved toward the car.

“Where’s our guide?” I asked. We looked around. The wind had picked up and the chill in the air deepened. All the kids who had been scattered about had disappeared.

“I don’t know,” said Jack. “But we better find him. He has the keys to the car.”

I returned to the staircase and sat on one of the low steps.

“I saw Ales talking to some young girl,” I said. Jack walked a restless circle around the car.

“Do you think Marcus grew up here?” I said.

“It would explain a lot.”

“I suppose it would.”

The cloud cover was growing thicker, the sky taking on the silver gray cast of threatening snow. I wrapped my arms around myself against the cold. But the chill I felt came from within. Nothing would warm me.

“I have a bad feeling, Jack.”

He came to stand in front of me. The wind tousled his hair and played with his coat. Behind him, I saw Ales emerge from the trees. The girl I saw earlier followed at his heels. She had dark black hair and a thick frame, wide shoulders and narrow hips. Her eyes were black and the tattoos on her face looked like a mask. She’s hiding, protecting herself with that, I found myself thinking. Tattoos are armor; they keep the world from seeing what’s beneath them. Her hair was mussed. There was dirt and dried grass on the back of her jacket.

“We’re ready to go,” Jack said to Ales as he approached. “Where did you go with her?”

Ales nodded toward the girl. “She think she knows where you can find the man you’re looking for.”

When I looked past the tattoos and heavy, dark eye shadow, I saw someone very young, very scared, and I wondered how many different ways a girl like this had been violated. I felt the urge to wrap my arms around her. But everything about her—her appearance, her attitude—pushed me away.

“How?” I asked, looking at her. She bowed her head, refused to return my gaze.

“She doesn’t speak English,” Ales said. “But she says Kristof Ragan and his brother, Ivan, are like legends here. That they lived here during communism but then went to the U.S. and are now famous and successful businessmen, rich and living in big houses. They send money back to this place. That’s why they have computers and good school-books here.”

The girl kept her eyes to the ground. I had the strong feeling I was being played—whether by the girl or the guide, I couldn’t be sure. But I was just desperate enough to play along.

“Kde?” I asked her.
Where?
She looked at me, startled. “Prosím,” I said.
Please
. “Kde je Kristof Ragan?”

Then there is just this eerie quiet where all I can hear is my own scrambling over the snow, my own labored breathing. Before me a curved cobblestone street, disappearing beneath the falling snow gathering on steps and window frames. Two more shots ring out and I hear a whisper past my left ear and realize it has come that close. I turned to see him, a black tower against the white.

He is unhurried and yet still gaining as I limp, moving slowly uphill past a closed café, a leather shop, a store of children’s clothing. I start pounding on doors, yelling. But the city seems to swallow all sound. No one answers or comes to their door. Up ahead, there are two black iron doors ajar, opening onto a square. I move inside and pull the doors closed behind me. I can’t run anymore. I have to hide.

The wind is captive in the square, howling around the four corners. I edge along the perimeter, trying to walk where no snow has fallen so as not to leave a trail. There is an open door that leads into darkness. I reach it and enter just as I hear the creaking of the door from the street opening. I remember what I said to Jack,
I’d rather die in the dark alley than bask a lifetime ignorant in the light
. I didn’t mean it.

“Isabel!” he calls. He sounds so even, so measured. He could be calling me to ask if I remembered to buy razors or did I steal his gym socks. But that’s not why he’s calling me. I lean against the cold stone of the wall; the space behind me echoes. I hear water dripping. I am unarmed, trapped. I close my eyes and try to harness my breathing.

“Isabel, let’s talk. I’ll put the gun down.” I peer out the slim opening in the door and see him lay his weapon in the snow, raise his hands into the air. Every instinct in my body screams to stay still, to stay hidden, to move further into the darkness, to hide. But that one question, the one that drives me, the one that is responsible for every bad decision I’ve made over the last few days, forces me forward. Even with all he’s told me, I still don’t have the answer. I still want to know.
Why?

I push open the door and it emits a loud groan. He turns to face me and the wind picks up, howls around the courtyard, lifts a flurry of snow. The world is gray and white and black. He looks different, somehow. He has let his hair and his beard grow and it looks darker as a result, closer to brown than the dark blond I was used to seeing. We stand there for a moment, regarding each other. He drops his hands to his side, then stuffs them in his pockets.

I wonder if I look as strange to him as he does to me. I am self-conscious of my tattered clothing, my one shoe. I fold my arms across my chest. He gives me a sad smile.

“Isabel,” he says. “This has always been your problem. You’re too trusting.”

Before I can ask him what he means, he’s pulling another gun from his coat, and all I really see before a white-hot, mind-altering pain in my center is a muzzle flash. The cold of the ground is shocking as I hit it hard and the sky is an impossibly silvery gray. There is another color in the world now. A deep red. The only thing I hear is the muted sound of his footfalls. He’s walking slowly away.

Jack gives me a look; it’s a warning. “This is a bad idea.”

“What does she want?” I asked.

“What does everyone want?” said Ales, lighting another cigarette. “Money. Two hundred U.S.?”

“Fine.”

Jack took hold of my arm, pulled me away from them. “This is crazy. Let’s go. I’m not letting you follow this girl to wherever. Think about it. They’re
playing you.”

He looked at Ales, not releasing my arm. I could tell that he’d reached the end of his patience with what he considered a flight of my fancy, a desperate act he’d expected to yield nothing. Now he was afraid. Afraid that I might actually find what I’d come here to find.

“Make her tell us where he is,” he said. “She can still have her money. But we’re not going with you unless she tells us right now where she wants to take us.”

Ales relayed Jack’s words but it seemed to me that the girl understood, was looking at Jack with a sullen resentment. She uttered a curt sentence in Czech.

“There’s a place where they know him. You can get what you want at this place—drugs, guns, whatever,” Ales translated.

“What kind of
place?”
asked Jack. He was angry now, sounding hostile. His neck was shading red, and a vein was starting to throb next to his eye.

The girl turned, muttered something else to Ales, and then started to walk away. Ales shrugged. “She says forget it. She doesn’t have to help you. She doesn’t want your filthy American money.”

“Good,” said Jack, physically moving me toward the car. “Let’s get out of here.”

He stopped, still holding on to my arm, and looked over at Ales, I suppose remembered that we stupidly let our guide hold the key.

“What about you?” Jack said. “Do
you
want our filthy American money?”

Ales just looked at him with that same bitterness I saw everywhere overseas these days. He gave a slight nod.

“Then let’s go.”

“Wait!” I yelled after the girl. She was already halfway across the large lawn. She stopped and turned back toward us. I wrested myself from Jack and ran after her.

“Isabel!” Jack called.

“Jack. Please. Wait with the car. I’ll be right back.”

He put his head in his hands, leaned up against the Mercedes. I heard him talking to himself but I didn’t hear what he was saying.

“You speak English,” I said to her. Not a question.

“A little.”

“Can you help me?”

She nodded. “I can help you find him.”

I remember thinking she might have been pretty before all the tattoos, a series of black swirls around her eyes, across her nose, framing her mouth. I wondered how badly it hurt to have your face tattooed, where she’d gotten the money to have it done. She smelled of cigarettes and sex. Was it allowed at the orphanage to do this type of thing to yourself? Were there no counselors? Did no one care? There was something dead to her eyes, something flat and empty like the eyes of a cat. I didn’t know whether to believe her or not. Under other circumstances I probably would not have, but desperation made me stupid.

“Okay,” I said. “Let’s go.”

We returned to the car. Jack and I argued for fifteen minutes, while Ales and the girl looked on from a distance, smoking, smug and superior. Eventually, Jack and I were so angry at each other, there was nothing left to say. We climbed into the car, and a moment later the other two joined us. As the girl climbed in, I noticed that she clutched a small nylon bag.

“Don’t you need to ask someone if you can leave?” I asked her. I glanced over at the building, expecting to see someone come out, ask us where we were taking the girl, but the whole place suddenly had an aura of desertion to it, even though I knew there were plenty of people inside. She gave an unkind little laugh.

“What is your name?” I asked the girl. But she’d gone back to not speaking English, just looked at me blankly.

“Her name is Petra,” said Ales from the front seat. He was pulling from the drive onto the long, winding road we traveled to get here. The sun was sinking; it was late afternoon. And there were no other cars as far as the eye could see ahead or behind us.

“She can just leave the orphanage whenever she wants?” I asked, still fixating on this, wondering if we’d just kidnapped a child.

“She’s not an orphan,” said Ales finally, impatiently. “She doesn’t live there.”

“Then who is she?”

Petra and I sat in the backseat, with Ales and Jack up front. Jack, who had been staring out the window, not talking—sulking—turned to look at our driver.

“Then who is she?” he repeated.

Ales opened his mouth to answer, when the car seemed to lose power, to slow to a crawl, and then silently die. He deftly maneuvered it to the side of the road.

“What’s wrong?” asked Jack, sitting forward. He had a hard, suspicious frown on his face.

“I don’t know,” said Ales. Our guide reached down and pulled a lever and I watched the hood pop open. Jack got out of the car, too, and they were both obscured by the open hood. I moved to exit as well, suddenly feeling that I didn’t want Jack out of my sight. But Petra caught my arm. I looked at her; she was smiling, shaking her head. I saw the gun then.

“Jack!” I yelled, backing away from her. “Jack!”

The hood slammed down then. Only Ales stood, looking at us through the windshield. I tried scrambling for my door but the painful poke of the gun in my kidneys stopped me cold. Ales got in, started the car easily, and locked the doors.

“Where is he?” I
was screaming, hysterical, in full-scale panic.

Neither Petra nor Ales said a word as Ales threw the car into reverse and then pulled back onto the road. Petra kept her dead eyes on me, the gun pressed into my flesh. Out the rear windshield, I saw Jack lying on the shoulder of the road.

“Jack! Jack!”

I nearly wept with relief when I saw one of his legs move. Then he was on his feet, running after the car, arms waving. As the Mercedes took a sharp turn in the road, he was out of sight. I barely felt the blow to the back of my head that turned the whole world black. Again.

“What are you doing here, Trev? It’s not safe.”

He walks over slowly. “Izzy, I told you. You needed a gun.”

“I know. I know. You’re a smart kid. Listen, Trevor? Tell your mom how much I love her, okay? Tell her I’m sorry.”

“Tell her yourself.” He says it with a smile.

But no, I’m alone in the courtyard still. I see that it’s filled with junk. A stack of old tires, a splintering wooden table, a box of sodden books. There’s a chair on three legs, some broken planters. A black cat leaps from nowhere onto a metal drum that sags with rust and age. The cat sits, watching me. There are voices now, I think. And the wail of sirens. I think I hear my name. But maybe it’s just the wind.

Isabel… Isabel
.

How did I get here? I wonder. Memory comes back in pieces.