“Tell him yes! And I want to be Aunt Sarah. Tell him to stop calling me ‘squirt,’ damn it.”
“No one calls you that,” Marlee replies. “No one’s called you that for a while.”
“Ace does,” Sarah corrects. “Pisses me off, too.”
Ace smiles widely now. We’re eavesdropping, we both know it, but don’t care.
Next in comes Hayden. He’s dragging in boxes from the garage and making enough noise it causes the girls to stop talking. Ace and I both point to the living room and signal him to be quiet. He looks at us, puzzled for a second then realizes what we’re doing and grins.
“Are the guys set up outside?” Raegan asks.
“Yep. Toby’s out there finishing now,” Marlee answers.
“I can’t wait to hear Hayden sing,” Sarah’s states with enthusiasm.
I turn to glare hard at Hayden. Although he has no idea what for, he cowers a bit.
“I haven’t heard him sing in such a long time. I miss it. He’s dreamy when he’s holding that mic in his hand,” Rae adds.
Now it’s Ace’s face that gets hard.
“Jesus, I love Toby. Even in high school I knew Toby was it for me. But, sisters, there have been nights it’s been Hayden . . .”
Holy fuck!
Luckily she doesn’t finish her statement because Toby walks in. His tone sounds relaxed even after catching what Marlee was about to say. “You know the guys are in the kitchen listening, right?”
Asshole.
“Yep,” Rae says. “They aren’t quiet enough to eavesdrop.”
Coming out of the kitchen, I go first and the others follow. I walk to Sarah and she moves in to hug me, but I won’t let her.
“I’m not getting any love tonight, am I?” she asks, not caring who hears.
I don’t answer as Rae says petulantly, “Doubt I’ll get a night off.”
Ace grabs Rae and kisses her lips hard before pulling her head back. “Think of Hayden, don’t think of Hayden. I don’t care. It’s still me you’re riding.”
Sarah’s nose scrunches. “You’re gross! We were kidding! God!”
“Then shut the fuck up, squirt,” he returns and keeps Rae held tightly against him.
“Let’s get this shit done. I need to shower and change,” Hayden says to Lacey.
Lacey’s eyes light up with mischief. “Mary already has Liv. Wanna go home and make out ’til it’s time to be back?”
“Yep,” Hayden assures. “They all want me,” he says mockingly, looking at the other women in the room. “But you’ve got me for life.”
“Bitch,” Sarah mutters under her breath.
“Lucky bitch,” Rae snaps.
“You girls are going to get me fucking killed! Knock it off!” Hayden exclaims as he walks Lacey quickly to the door.
As the others laugh and follow them out, I hold Sarah still. “Do you want to stay here with the others tomorrow tonight? We can always go home.”
She turns in my arms to face me, but doesn’t answer my question. “I knew you were listening in there. I was kidding about Hayden.”
Leaning in and kissing her neck softly, I whisper quietly knowing even though we don’t have an audience. “Hayden isn’t a threat. I know this because Bean told me you were mine. I didn’t believe her then, but I do now.”
“She told you that?” she whispers her question.
“She told me I had her blessing.” Tears fill her eyes as I pull back to look into them. “You’re going to read her goodbye, Sarah. It’s time.”
“I know.”
“And I’ll be there when you do, if you want me.”
“I know.”
“I love you,” I tell her.
“I know,” she answers.
* * *
Sarah
God, I love Hayden’s voice.
The ceremony was brief. The vows were sweet. The kiss Brian gave Cathy when it was over was a little more than I’d ever hoped to see. Brian Flynn is hot, even being middle aged but I can only hope to soon forget his attempt to jam his tongue down Cathy’s throat; and never again remember his hands as they squeezed her ass while she struggled to break free. Hayden is definitely his father’s son.
“Everything’s ready at the beach whenever you all are,” Marlee, standing next to Toby, tells me as Hayden wraps up the song his father insisted he play.
Neil Diamond’s “Hello Again” was fitting for the newlyweds. Rae has been basking in happiness at hearing Hayden sing one of her all-time favorites.
“I’m ready. Where did Trav go?”
Marlee points her thumb over her shoulder and I see Ace and Travis standing next to the makeshift bar. They look to be engrossed in a deep discussion. Ace reaches over and man-hugs Travis before walking away.
“Ace wants you to read the letter,” Lacey says, coming in from behind Toby.
“I will.”
“No, honey. Tonight. He wants to be sure he’s around if you need him.”
“Dear God, they never stop! I didn’t bring it to a wedding with me, for fuck’s sake.”
“You didn’t have to,” she explains. “Ace stopped by Trav’s on the way over and grabbed it. I won’t mention what he found in the top drawer of your nightstand.”
I smile, knowing what few adult toys I’ve acquired, probably caused him a mental break.
“I’ll talk to him.”
“Better do it soon,” Lacey tells me. “Here comes the party pooper now.”
Ace hears what she calls him, but instead of reacting, he keeps his concentration on me.
Great.
“Got a minute?” he asks. The others quickly vanish from sight.
Traitors.
“Yeah. Where’s Travis?”
“I don’t know,” he returns. The liar knows, considering he was just talking to him.
“What’s up?” I ask, trying to be casual.
“Here,” he states, thrusting the letter into my hand. “Read it. No time like the present.”
I don’t call him on his bullshit of pushing me before I’m ready. Truth be told, Travis was right months ago. I won’t ever be ready.
Taking the letter, I look down. The effect the envelope had on me at one time isn’t there. I don’t feel sadness. After everything I watched Travis and Lacey go through, the loss of Bean pales in comparison. Not that her words won’t hurt to read, it’s just that I’ve realized how lucky I was to have her in my life for as long as I did.
“Cathy and Brian are about ready to go,” he tells me. “We’re all hanging outside tonight, I think.”
“We are. Rae wants to watch the sun come up.”
His eyebrow rises. “That’s like six fuckin’ hours from now.”
“Tell your woman that. That’s a lot of time for all of us to be together, but whatever.”
“Sarah?” I hear Trav call my name and I turn to find him.
He’s standing in the doorway of the bedroom he and I shared when we were here. God, it feels so long ago, but it hasn’t been.
“Yes, dear?” I answer, feeling Ace kiss my temple.
“See you guys out there,” Ace mumbles. He looks at Travis and asks, “You got her?”
Trav nods once. “Always.”
“Thanks, man.”
After Ace walks away, it’s Travis and me standing in the living room alone. His large body is leaning against the wall by the door and he’s looking at me skeptically.
“You don’t have to do this,” he says, lifting his body from the wall.
“I know.”
“We can do it tomorrow. Or when you’re ready.”
“I’m ready, Trav.”
“I’ll leave you to it.”
“Okay.”
Travis starts to pass me, but stops and leans down to kiss my head. “I love you,” he says, standing straight.
“I know.”
“I’ll be outside.”
“Okay.”
Looking around the living room, I hear voices coming from the kitchen and formal dining room. Not many guests linger, but enough to know I won’t get enough privacy if I stay in here.
I decide to move to the other room.
“Come on, Beanie. Let’s go have a chat.” I smile to myself, hearing her say those words.
Situating myself on the bed, I take a quick look around the bedroom. Travis and I shared a pivotal weekend together in this room. I woke up without him the next morning and that day my life fell apart again. Thankfully, everything worked out and things are good.
Things are great.
I can already hear Bean’s voice as I start to read what she had to say all those months ago. . . .
Sarah,
I sigh, hearing her voice say my name. She also always had a tone she’d use for every instance. This one is trying to console me.
How do I say goodbye to my best friend?
I’ve started this letter many times, but haven’t been able to gather enough courage to finish it. The pen always shakes in my hand and the pain in my chest feels too heavy to focus on the words that need saying. Maybe it’s because I know my leaving will be your first real heartache and I’m going to be the reason for it.
I can’t be there to help you through this and that brings me an unrelenting sadness.
Looking up and staring at the wall ahead of me, I wipe my eyes. “Fucking hell, this shit hurts,” I utter quietly, but continue reading.
When you first came to live with me as a toddler, you were quiet and shy. You looked up to Ace the way children look up to their favorite heroes. So often you hid behind his protective guard. You were a pain in his side, but he returned your loving sentiment even though it was through his projected frustration and torment toward you. After a while you started trusting me and you let me in your heart the way you were already in mine.
It was then your life truly began.
Through your younger years you started to change. You developed your own personality and traits that others had no choice but to accept. You weren’t sure of your place in this world so you fit wherever you were able.
You were a whirlwind of crazy, drama, and love all mixed together. No one could deny your character; it was who you were that we all fell in love with.
When you started to grow up and make a path for your teenage self, you changed again. Unbeknownst to you, you became my best friend for so many reasons. Your wit, humor, and even your foul morning disposition were things I loved having in my life. As crazy as you made those around you, you filled a place for them with your presence.
Your antics kept us young.
Through more tears, I laugh out loud. No one’s around to hear me, so the sound of my voice echoes in my chest. “You were
just
as crazy, Bean.” I swallow hard and whisper what I hope she already knew. “You were my best friend, too.”
As you started to become a woman, you weren’t given the chance to thrive as you should have. My body became old and tired as it inevitably would have. With great regret, I knew I was holding you back.
It’s time you finish what you’ve started so you can become who you’re supposed to be.
Stay off your phone, Sarah. Talk to the people in your life as you know you should. Rather than hiding behind a screen, share pieces of yourself you’ve always been afraid for others to see. Trust them to love you and they will.
Watch your mouth. Beautiful girls don’t need to get the kind of attention dirty words bring with them.
Turn the television off. You don’t need characters on a television set to give you what you’ll miss if you don’t, which is your own happily ever after.
I just got lectured and she’s not even here to let me respond. Shaking my head at her, I frown. “I did spend too much time on my phone when you were here, Bean. I’m sorry.” My frown doesn’t stick around long. “But, you watched as much TV as I did,” I accuse.
Be nice to Ace. He’s tried so hard to love you and he has, but it was always when you weren’t looking. Until you make your own, he’s what’s left of your family.
“If he’d quit being an ass, I’d be nicer.”
Speaking of family. . . .
“Fuck.”
Make sweet little ones so I can watch them grow up from wherever I’m headed. Shower them with the love you once had for me. The pain of me leaving will pass soon enough and you’ll have all that much extra to give away. There’s nothing more rewarding than receiving the unconditional love a child can give.
I should know, it’s what you always gave to me.
The tears are coming down again. It’s a lost effort to try and remove them. Grabbing a Kleenex from the nightstand, I reply to her as if she’s still here. “The pain from you leaving hasn’t passed yet, Bean. It’s gotten easier, but it’s not gone. I miss you so fucking much.”
Above all, Sarah, follow your heart. The mind creates doubt and insecurities and when it does it causes us to question who and what we’re truly meant to see. Oftentimes it makes us blind to what’s been right in front of us the entire time.
And he’s been in front of you this entire time. Don’t let him wander lost for too much longer, honey. Find him. He needs you, too.
My eyes close tightly. Travis told me Bean gave him her blessing. She was up to something before she died and I missed it. “Shit, Bean. Are you enjoying this? I bet you are.”
I love you so much and I’m sorry I’m not there to help you through your devastation, but maybe knowing I’m still with you in spirit will ease your grief and help you get through it a little easier.
I’m never far away.
All my love,
Bean
My thumb circles her signature at the bottom. My chest, although feeling heavy, doesn’t ache with the desperation it once did. “I love you so so much. Thank you for everything.”
The one-sided conversation I’ve been having with Bean is interrupted by a soft knock at the door. Travis doesn’t wait for me to answer, but cracks the door and sticks his head through.
His eyebrows rise before he asks, “You good?”
“Yes.”
“Just checkin,’” he informs before withdrawing and closing the door quietly behind him.
“He’s impossible, Bean. I can’t believe you were plotting! From your hospital bed too, for goodness’ sake!”
Folding the letter and putting it back in the envelope, my eyes look at my name written with her shaky little hand. “I’ll give you babies if you want ’em, but I’ll warn you now—these little babies are going to be part Travis and part me. I don’t think Ace will survive them.”
I laugh as I get off the bed. I grab the door handle but it’s pushed open before I have a chance to open it.