Desolate Souls (Forgotten Souls MC, #1) (12 page)

I am breathing frantically when I am finished with my rant, the look on his face full of torment. When he finally speaks, his voice wavers, barely a whisper. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“Why did I need to tell you? You’ve been doing the exact same thing I am. I know you hate it as much as I do, and after everything you have done for me, how was I supposed to tell you what it was doing to me? It shouldn't matter how I feel.”

He steps back, his face ashen, saying nothing. Without another word, he storms from the room leaving me alone. I stand there for several moments, trying to fight the tears that threaten to fall.

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T
wenty minutes later, I am still standing in the same spot, my high completely gone and my heart aching. When Alexis enters the room, I don’t even notice until I hear her voice. “Hun?”

“Yeah?” I say, blocking out every emotion that has been rising within me.

“Marty said you have two waiting in room one.”

I feel the color drain from my face. Words are meaningless as I am faced with the ultimate decision. Do I go in there, do what I’ve been doing for years and watch another piece of myself disappear or do I walk away from it all? It would be so easy, or at least that’s what I try to convince myself.

The pit in my stomach knows the answer. I will do what I always do and bury every one of my emotions. I nod my head, staring at the shell of a human being gazing back at me in the mirror. “I’ll be there in a sec,” I tell her, surprised my voice doesn't crack.

She gives me a comforting smile, not knowing what this is doing to me inside. This has nothing to do with nerves, but has everything to do with my mental state which is completely shattered.

When I step out of the dressing room and enter the main room, I spot Paul standing at the bar. His eyes meet mine, cold and filled with disappointment. I have let him down in his mind, hiding my true feelings from him. I should have kept my mouth shut, continued on as though it had no effect on me, but I didn’t and now he hates me for it.

Lowering my head, I pass him by, making my way towards the hallway. As I approach the last door on the left, I hear him calling out my name from behind. I turn to him, my bottom lip trembling.

“Come here,” he says, his eyes searching mine. Rushing towards him, I bury my face in his chest. “I should’ve seen what this was doing to you and I’m sorry.”

“It’s OK,” I mumble into his chest. “I overreacted,” I lie, telling him what I think he wants to hear.

“You’re too good for me, Lana. You always have been and I will make this up to you somehow. I promise.”

Nodding my head, I pull back. “I’ll see you after a while,” I tell him, turning towards the door. He nods his head, giving me a shy smile before turning back towards the main room.

As I reach for the handle, my heart lurches and my stomach begins to turn.
It’s just mechanics. This shouldn’t affect you.
But it does. It always has. I push the door open and step inside, leaving behind my dignity and self-respect.

C
all it an intervention of sorts or maybe even a reunion. No matter what you label it, this isn’t gonna go well, and I know it. My Lana, the precious girl I fell in love with so many years ago will be within my reach in moments and my nerves are going crazy. I don't even know what to say to her. The last thing she remembers of me is the day before I was sent away. She must think that I abandoned her, but that is so far from the truth. I came back for her, wanting to save her like she had done for me.

Deuce and I thought we were purging her life of that monster forever. So many times I have thought about Lana, and I always imagined her life full of happiness and now I know that she replaced one monster with another. She doesn't deserve this. She never did.

And now I sit in this room, having paid for this time with her. She will come in here for one reason only, because Paul has convinced her to do so. I know this with all of my heart. He has a hold on her, one that makes her use her body to his advantage. If it were anyone else, I wouldn’t think this way, but it is her. I know her, or at least I used to. And from what Deuce has told me, this is not where she wants to be.

“Maybe she’s not coming,” Deuce says, pacing the room. With my revelation of who we are dealing with, his anger has escalated. He wants nothing more than to rip Paul’s throat out. That may happen in time, but not before I hear the truth from her lips.

Before I can respond, the door opens and she steps inside, her gaze lowered to the floor. She can sense our presence and I watch her instantly transform into something she is not. She lifts her head, her gaze meeting mine. She recognizes me, I can see it in her eyes, but just as quickly as it appears it vanishes.

“You two wanted a private dance?” she asks, her eyes growing vacant as she walks across the room, turning on the iPod station in the corner. She turns, her eyes filled with pain and anger. “Am I taking you both on at once or are you taking turns?” she asks, her tone laced with pure hatred.

“Lana...” I whisper her name, hoping to spark something within her of the girl I knew so long ago.

She says nothing, pretending she did not hear me, but there is no mistaking the flair in her eyes at the mention of my nickname for her. “I guess that means this is a double team,” she says nonchalantly, like this is an everyday occurrence. Who knows, maybe it is, but that all ends today.

“No double team,” I say, taking a step towards her. “What happened to you, Lana?”

Her eyes reach mine and there is no disguising the pain within them. “Don’t call me that. You lost that privilege when you left me.”

I close my eyes at her words. Even after all these years she doesn’t know the truth. “I didn’t walk away from you, Lana. I came back for you.”

“Don’t lie to me!” she shouts, her eyes filling with tears. “Why are you here?”

“I’m here for you,” I tell her as I reach out for her. “Just give me a chance to explain.”

“Explain what, Jax? You said it all when you left me in that house without even saying goodbye. You didn't even have a clue, did you?”

“Lana, please...”

“No!” she shouts. “I have waited a long time to tell you what I think of you, and now you’re gonna listen!” She pauses for only a second, a single tear escaping her eye. “I loved you, Jax. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for you, including handing myself over to that man so that he would never lay a hand on you again. I owed you that much and I would’ve done anything to keep you safe because you had always protected me. That night... I thought he was going to kill you.”

I close my eyes, feeling the same anguish I felt so many years ago. When I open them again, my gaze meets hers and my heart breaks. The damage Phil inflicted on her years ago is still with her today.

A steady stream of salty tears flow down her pale cheeks, releasing the hatred, resentment and sorrow she has kept pent up for so many years. “I begged him to stop and he promised he would, if I gave him what he wanted. So I did. I walked with him into that basement where he... where he...” she cannot say the words and I don’t need to hear them. I know what he did to her and am filled with so much regret for not realizing it sooner. “He did things to me that you could never imagine! And I let him, because of you! Because I thought I was protecting you and that we would be together forever. But that was a lie! The moment you had a chance to walk away, you did, without even caring what happened to me! So there is no need to explain anything, Jackson Cade. You said it all the moment you walked out of my life!”

She is openly sobbing, a rawness to it, the pain of her past still an open wound. I reach out to her, engulfing her in my arms, willing the pain to go away. At first she welcomes the comfort I am offering, but suddenly jerks away, the pain in her eyes crushing me.

“I never left you, not in the way you think. I found out what he was doing to you and I tried to stop him the only way I knew how.” My eyes are silently begging her to listen to me, hear my words and know I am telling the truth. “I cut school the day before I left. I cut school when you didn’t show up and I came home looking for you. I went upstairs and heard him in your room. It killed me to know what he was doing to you and I wasn’t strong enough to stop him.”

“So you left? You knew and you left me there? It only got worse when you did! He didn't have to hide from anyone anymore. He could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. Janet never stopped him! She would watch him do things to me, calling me a filthy whore the whole time!”

I never knew Janet took part in the abuse. I had always assumed she had stood back, saying nothing like she had done in the past. The night Deuce and I arrived at the Martin house replays in my mind, and then I remember seeing Janet exit the basement and the shocked look on her face. She had been in there with him, doing God knows what to Alana.

“I didn’t leave you! I didn’t know what else to do, so I went to school the next day and told the counselor what I overheard. I thought he would help you, get us both out of there, but instead he called Phil and told him I was causing trouble. A social worker picked me up from school and I was moved to another foster home.” She has to understand that I tried. All I wanted was to save her, but I had failed, leading me to take matters into my own hands.

She shakes her head, not believing a word I have said.

“It’s true,” Deuce says, taking a step forward. “That’s where Jax and I met.”

“I tried calling you, but Phil wouldn’t let me talk to you.”
Please believe me, Alana. I’ve never lied to you.

“And you expect me to believe that?” she asks, still doubting my words.

“Alana,” Deuce says, reaching out to her. He grabs her by the elbow, stepping in front of me so that he is face to face with her. “You don’t remember me, do you?”

“Deuce,” I warn him, not wanting her to hear this way.

Turning towards me, he looks me in the eyes. “She needs to know the truth, man. She thinks she knows what happened back then, but she doesn’t.” He turns back to her, his voice soft and comforting, unlike the Deuce I know. “Do you know who I am?”

“Of course I know,” she jerks her arm free. “And if I knew you were friends with him, I wouldn’t have wasted my time talking to you.”

“I’m not talking about the last few weeks,” he begins, and I know where he is going.

“Deuce!” I shout, bringing his attention to me. “Let it go!” I seethe.

He nods his head, but his expression speaks volumes. He believes I should let it out, tell her the truth all at once, but now is not the time. She already hates me and throwing the truth in the mix will only make things worse.

“I came back for you,” I tell her, pushing Deuce aside. “I didn’t leave you. I loved you, Alana!”

Her knees give out from under her and she falls to the floor, heart wrenching sobs escaping her throat. Deuce nods at me once more before he heads for the door, giving us this time together. Crouching down in front of her, I reach for her and pull her to me. She doesn't resist this time, holding onto me for dear life. Wrapping my arms around her, I try to comfort her as she trembles against me, letting every bit of emotion she has kept inside for all these years out.

I don't hear the door open and only when I hear Paul’s angry voice do I realize we aren’t alone. “Get your fuckin’ hands off her,” he growls. Snatching Alana up and from my arms, he glares at me. “What the fuck did you do to her?” he asks, his cold eyes filled with fury.

“Alana? Baby, are you OK?” he asks, his tone making me sick. When she doesn’t respond, his cold gaze returns to me. “I will fuckin’ kill you!”

“Don’t be makin’ threats you can’t back up, pretty boy. I didn’t hurt her... at least not tonight.” I know he sees the look in my eyes. If he’s as smart as I think he is, he will back down now or I will fuckin’ kill him.

“Stop,” Alana mumbles, looking between the two of us. She wipes away the tears that stain her face, “I just want to go home.”

He turns her towards him, looking down at her with concern, before turning his cold gaze to me. “I don’t know what you did to her, but you come near her again and it’ll be the last thing you do.”