Desired (31 page)

Christ
, he saw the imprint of this moment on her. The utter release she experienced; there was no pain in her eyes, no worry, no fear, only a free mind that had dropped into a state of bliss.

“Just be like this with me.” She leaned in to him and held his stare, gazing at him with adoring eyes he had craved for so long. “Always like this. I want this side of you. I want to be touched by you this way. I want to live in the present.”

As she said it, he didn’t know if he had it in him. He’d flogged many submissives.
Hell
, he’d used pain to bring pleasure many times. But even now, the second the thought entered his mind, all he saw was Rory.

All he saw was her scar running down the side of her face.

Today he’d been threatened, pushed to extremes. Now that the intensity had faded, his touch turned soft. Gentle. When he dragged his finger down her arm, she frowned.

He ignored her.

None of this was that simple. He couldn’t forget. “I have said no to impact play, and that is a final answer. It will come in time, Ella. We will get there. Believe in that.”

The argument shone on her expression, but he quickly sealed his mouth over hers. She melted beneath his touch, following his movements as if her lips were a mold made perfectly for him.

A kiss that so simply held none of the complications between them.

When he broke away, he murmured against her mouth, “I know what you want. You know what I want. We will find an even ground on this, and there is no reason to rush anything. I’m just saying, please wait and let us figure this out. Give me that time. Don’t argue with me about this.”

For now, she didn’t.

Four days had passed in a quick blur since the night with Rory, and Ella hadn’t heard a peep from him, either. She’d mailed the divorce documents to Derek in Savannah, and soon things would be finally over.

Though with the relief that brought, her mood hadn’t much improved. Things with Kyler had never been better—relationship-wise. Almost as if she’d settled perfectly into his life and he into hers. But that dark cloud remained over them:
What would happen in Club Sin tomorrow night?

Would he be the Dom she craved?

Or would he look to her as broken?

While she was tempted to let him decide the path they should take, she had enough of waiting around and hoping for big life changes. Her challenge brought her to Vegas and gave her so many wonderful things, but she was tired of not taking control and making things happen for herself.

She had allowed fate to control her world.

Now she’d show fate that she held the wheel.

Sitting in Kenzie’s small and cozy apartment above her used bookstore, Ella glanced over to the women she’d become so close to … so fast. Women she couldn’t imagine not having in her life. No one had discussed her abuse after the night with Rory, which made her realize how nice it was not to be judged.

They cared for her, regardless of what she went through.

There was something special in that.

As she topped off the four wineglasses for herself, Presley, Cora, and Kenzie, she thought over the situation with Kyler. The saying “Don’t poke the bear” meant jack shit to Ella.

She had plans.

Big plans.

She corked the bottle and called, “Come get ’em, girls!”

“Thank goodness for men who chauffeur us around,” Presley said, entering the kitchen
with bright red cheeks. “I would not be able to drive.”

“Me neither,” Kenzie muttered, scooping up her wineglass and then taking a big gulp.

Cora followed in behind and added, “I’m going to pay for this tomorrow at work, but who freaking cares?” She turned and headed into the living room, then dropped down on the big gray couch. “Besides, Aidan will treat me to one of his hangover cures anyway.”

Kenzie sat in the next to Cora, laughing. “You mean flogging you until you forget you’re hungover?”

“Exactly.” Cora smirked.

Laughter led Ella into the living room, and she sat next to Presley on the couch near the bay window. She scanned the room, a bit surprised by Kenzie’s apartment. She expected modern and hip, like Kenzie, but her house was warm and inviting, with antiques in every bare spot.

Cora lowered her wineglass to her crossed legs and said to Kenzie, “Aidan told me about the arrangement between you and Porter.”

Kenzie studied Cora, oddly careful. She finally asked with a tight voice, “Are you okay about it?”

Confused, Ella looked between them. “Why would that upset Cora?”

Cora smiled softly. “Porter’s my ex-boyfriend.” To Kenzie, she said, “Of course I’m okay with it. We’ve always just been really good friends.” She raised her flashy wedding ring. “Besides, I’m a married woman now, and, honestly, I want Porter to be happy.” She hesitated, narrowing her eyes. “You’re not going to be your typical pain in the ass with him, are you?”

Kenzie grinned, unashamed. “Do you expect otherwise?”

“Nope,” Cora grumbled before she raised her brows. “I can tell you from knowing him so well that he’ll never let you get away with it.”

“Pfft,” Kenzie huffed, dismissing Cora with a flick of her hand. “I can handle the likes of Porter.”

“Sure you can,” Cora said and snickered into her wineglass. “Good luck with that.”

“Why don’t you be nice to him?” Presley interjected with a soft voice. “Porter’s a really cool guy. I don’t get why you want to be so difficult. Can’t you make your play fun—without the sassiness?”

Cora and Kenzie exchanged a look and then burst out laughing. Ella laughed, too, but she didn’t understand it, either.
God
, all she wanted to do was have kinky fun with Kyler—the sexual
exploration she’d seen in Club Sin—and Kenzie seemed to only want to annoy her Doms.

Presley cocked her head and muttered, “I take that as a no?”

Kenzie shrugged. “It’s just not my way.”

Cora stayed silent, giving Presley a look, which told Ella there was a lot more going on with Kenzie. But Ella wasn’t about to go digging around in someone else’s life without their offering to discuss it. She had enough in her past than to judge someone else for what they did or didn’t do.

Kenzie easily sideswiped any further questioning by turning to Ella and asking, “Did that dipshit husband of yours go home?”

Ella smiled. Kenzie had such a bold way about her. Where Presley was sweet and Cora was sassy, Kenzie was just straight to the point. She actually liked that about Kenzie, and respected it. “From what I hear, he’s back in Savannah.”

Three days ago, she’d received a call from Rory’s friend Sean. He’d told her that Rory had come home. Also that after a stern warning from Sean, Rory had indicated that he planned to move on with his life.

And that was that.

She never received a
take care of yourself
from Sean. Just curt, to the point
good riddance
. Ella didn’t give a flying flip anymore. She had met some of the most fantastic people, the ladies with her now.

“Thank god for that,” Cora said, raising her wineglass. “Out with the old. In with the new and kinky.”

“Precisely,” Ella agreed.

But her mind kept spinning back to the same thing she couldn’t stop thinking about. And looking into the faces of Presley and Cora, she suffered that hot pang of jealousy. She wanted what they had. She wanted Kyler to take her to higher pleasures until she forgot her hangover.

Only problem?

How to get him to agree?

“So …” Ella said, tucking her legs under her. “Speaking of kinky fun, I could use some advice.”

Kenzie bounced in her seat. “Kinky advice. I like.”

Cora rolled her eyes at Kenzie, then said to Ella, “Of course, we’re here for you. Believe
me, we need girl time like this. The men can drown us in testosterone.”

Presley smiled, patting Ella’s legs. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes and no,” Ella admitted, trying to wrap her head around her messy thoughts. “Since you know about what happened with Rory—”

“The asshole,” Kenzie interjected.

Ella grinned. “Well, let me ask this. Before I came to Club Sin, did Kyler play roughly with women?”

Cora’s brows rose. “Of course.”

“Figured as much,” Ella replied, a frown pulling at her mouth. “From what you’ve seen of us, he seems to be gentler with me?”

“Big-time,” Kenzie replied.

“See, and that’s the problem.” Ella huffed.

Presley’s brows pinched together, and her voice softened. “Because he won’t do that with you?”

“Exactly,” Ella replied.

“He’s just worried about you,” Cora said, her long hair trailing over her shoulder. “It speaks to the depth of his feelings for you that he’s been so gentle. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that way with anyone.”

Of course, hearing that made Ella feel good. All the same, it was exactly what she didn’t want. Now with the floodgates open, and without the worry of being judged, she spoke the truth. “I want him to get over it—to stop treating me like I’m a victim.”

Kenzie’s eyes widened over the rim of her wineglass. “You want him to get over the fact that you’ve been abused?” At Ella’s nod, she added with a grimace, “That would make him a shitty Dom. And Club Sin isn’t about that. The Masters pride themselves on caring for the submissives.”

Coming from the woman who purposely annoys the Masters
. Maybe Kenzie needed to take her own advice, but who was Ella to tell her that? She sighed and then admitted, “I understand that, I do. But at some point, he needs to stop treating me like I’m fragile.”

“Are you fragile?” Cora asked.

“No,” Ella replied without pause.

Cora shook her head, her mouth pressing into a firm line. “You answered me way too
fast, which is probably why he’s refusing to take you deep into a scene.” She picked up her wineglass. “You cannot have gone through what you did without having scars.”

“I do have a scar.” The reminder would never leave her, and she ran her finger over the side of her face, feeling the rough skin. “But I want to move on. Hell, I have moved on. It was ten freaking months ago.”

Presley gathered Ella’s hand in hers. “You’re asking Kyler to do the unthinkable when it comes to Dom behavior. He needs to make sure you’re okay first. And of course he’s going to be hesitant in regard to using force.”

“Yes, I get that,” Ella grumbled, scanning the women’s faces. “But
how
do I make him okay with it all?”

Cora finally said, “You need to be okay with it yourself.”

“I am.”

“Are you?” Cora retorted.

Ella stared at her, feeling the world narrow. She didn’t know what Cora did for a living, but she had suspicions. Cora was too drawn in. Asking too many personal questions. Too focused. “Are you a therapist?”

“Is it that obvious?” Cora laughed. “I’m actually a social worker for teens. But I’ve dealt with teen abuse situations. It’s not something you can simply forget.”

Ella took a big gulp of the dry red wine, wishing they’d be more on her side. She wanted to find a way back from this hell, not continue to live stuck in the past. With all eyes focused on her, she lowered her glass. “I know I can’t ignore the abuse. But why on earth is it so important to sit and talk about it all the time? What he needs to know is that I’ve accepted it and moved on with my life. I mean, it was nearly a year ago. Isn’t it time for everyone to let it go?”

Presley smiled gently and pointed to her heart. “He needs to know you’re okay in here.”

Cora added, “And while the abuse happened nearly a year ago, Rory was just here, right in your face. Kyler needs to know that what he’s doing is helping, not hurting.”

Kenzie said, “Yep. And it’s what you’re doing right now that’s stopping him. Sure, you know Rory was a dick. Sure, you kicked him out of your life. Which makes you awesome and strong, Ella. But you downplay the effect it had on you.”

Ella swallowed, regretting that she’d started this conversation. First, she wasn’t nearly drunk enough. Second, she figured they would side with her, not dig up emotions that she didn’t
want to face.

Cora rose from her seat and came to sit on the coffee table in front of Ella. She placed a hand on Ella’s thigh. “Let me ask this: When you first saw the stitches on your face, what did you think?”

Staring into Cora’s eyes and trusting her intentions, Ella drew herself back to that time in the hospital. When she went into the bathroom and looked at what Rory had done to her. Her throat tightened. “I felt heartbroken.”

Cora’s gaze softened, as did her voice. “Have you ever told Kyler that?”

She looked from to Cora to Kenzie to Presley, feeling a weight in her chest lift—one she hadn’t known had been there. No one here would judge her. They all weren’t looking to her with pity, but with love.

Maybe she hadn’t shared what she felt then, because no one cared to listen. No one actually asked that question—and within that knowledge, a cold part of her soul warmed. “I guess I haven’t been sharing that with him.” She realized, in this moment, how long it’d been since someone had asked her how she
felt
. There was no telling her how she should feel, or telling her she needed to get over something, they all simply cared what she went through.

Love …

Kenzie gave a firm nod, tipping her wineglass at Ella. “Want a red ass, then start sharing, sweet cheeks!”

Cora chuckled at Kenzie, then added more softly to Ella, “Doms need vulnerability. It’s what makes them a Dom. Just as you crave to experience a deeper level in a scene, he craves your heart. How can Kyler be the Dom you want him to be if you’re not emotionally vulnerable to him? If you won’t allow him to get close?”

“True,” Ella admitted with a sigh. “I never looked at it that way. I thought he just wanted to know what happened, not that it was about how I feel.”

Presley asked, “So, are you ready to bare it all with him?”

Ella pondered, but she didn’t need too long. In the friendship of these women, she’d realized how much she’d shut down. How much she hadn’t depended on others with the one thing she protected the most
—her heart
.