Was the baby all right?
I leaped out of bed. Dad wasn’t in his room. I hurried downstairs. He was in the kitchen, on the phone. As I walked in, he came off the line.
‘How is she?’ I asked.
‘Baby’s okay,’ Dad said with relief. ‘I’m going back to the hospital in an hour. Do you want to come?’
I nodded. In the end, the whole commune came. Not all at once, of course. We took it in turns, doing shifts throughout the day, someone to sit with Gemma, someone to keep an eye on the baby. Dad
and Gemma had decided to call her Lily, a name I really liked. Gemma’s parents were due to arrive that evening. They were staying in Dad and Gemma’s bedroom and I was sent home at about
four p.m. to change the bed linen and get the room ready.
As I hauled the sheets off the bed, my phone rang. It was Grace, asking how Gemma and the baby were. I explained quickly, then Grace took a deep breath.
‘I’m at James’s house,’ she said. ‘Flynn’s here too. He was worried about it all . . . about you . . . He’s been bugging me since he got here to call
you and find out if everything was okay.’ She lowered her voice. ‘Do you want to speak to him?’
I gulped. Of course I did. And yet, what would be the point? If there was one thing last night had proved, it was that Flynn and I could never just be friends. If we couldn’t be together
properly – and there was no way I could imagine that ever happening – then, as far as I was concerned, we couldn’t be together at all.
‘No.’ I hesitated. Flynn had said he didn’t want the contents of his wallet back but I couldn’t possibly hang on to all that money, let alone all his cards. ‘Tell
Flynn I’m really grateful for the money for the taxi, that I’ll pay him back and . . . and I’ll give his wallet to James to pass on to him as soon as I can . . .’
‘Okay.’ Grace rang off.
I stood, a hollow feeling in my chest, Dad and Gemma’s sheets still bunched in my hands.
‘So you’re back together, then? How lovely for you both.’ It was Leo, his voice riddled with sarcasm.
I spun around. He was standing in the doorway.
‘How long were you listening?’ I demanded.
Leo shrugged. His normally pale face was flushed, his slight shoulders hunched.
‘I’m really wasting my time, waiting for you, aren’t I?’ he said.
‘
Waiting
for me?’ I frowned. ‘Leo, we’re
friends.
I thought you understood—’
‘Oh, I do understand,’ he interrupted. ‘You and I were getting closer and closer and now Flynn clicks his fingers and you’re right back where you started with
him.’
‘No.’ I flung the sheets down on the bed. ‘None of that is true.’
‘Really?’ Leo spat. ‘Then tell me you’d care if I left the commune and moved away with Dad and Ros.’
‘Of course I’d care,’ I said. ‘You’re my best friend. At least you were until you got this stupid bee in your bonnet about Flynn. But you should be with your dad .
. . and we can still visit each other. We’ll always be friends.’
Leo walked towards me, his face screwed into a miserable scowl. ‘
Just
friends?’ he said. ‘
Always
just friends?’
I gulped. I hated how unhappy he looked and yet it wasn’t fair to give him false hope. Maybe, one day, someone else would come along who made me feel something close to the intense,
amazing emotions I felt for Flynn. But that person was never going to be Leo.
‘I think,’ I said, trying to choose my words carefully, ‘I think that if I was going to feel more for you than friendship it would have already happened. So, yes,
always
, just friends.’
Leo nodded, his eyes pale and ice-blue in the bright sunlight.
‘It won’t work out, you and him, you know,’ he said quietly. ‘It’s inevitable. He is going to drag you down to his level and then he will destroy you.’
He turned and walked away. I sank on to the bed, the chill of his words running through me to my core.
Leo wasn’t right.
He couldn’t be right.
I wouldn’t let him be right.
Gemma’s parents came and went again, with promises to return in a couple of weeks. Dad visited the hospital every day to see Gemma and baby Lily. Gemma was fine now
– due to come home soon. The baby was still poorly, but getting stronger every day. I visited too but what with Gemma in hospital and Dad spending so much time there, there was a lot to do on
the commune.
Of the other residents, only two – John and Julia – were at home every day. The geeky IT guy went to work as usual and kept himself to himself. Meanwhile, Leo’s dad and Ros had
decided they would definitely move out – to Devon – and started taking several days at a time to tour the area, working out exactly where they wanted to set up home together.
I threw myself into A-level work at sixth form college, though not as intently as Leo. He spent hours working in the college library before, between and after all his lessons. I hadn’t
tried to talk to him since our argument a week ago and, as he was out of the commune so much, we weren’t even travelling to and from college together any more.
After a cool spell, the weather grew hot and humid. By the end of the week the temperature was pushing thirty degrees and I was spending as much time as possible in the apple orchard, which had
always been my favourite spot on the commune.
I was sitting out there under the shade of a tree on Friday after college. I had spent the past hour gathering the tiny apples that fell in the annual ‘June drop’; in a minute
I’d take them inside and get on with preparing that night’s supper. Dad had already called to say he’d be home late.
Everyone around me was making plans for the summer. Grace and Emmi had both been on the phone, asking if I’d come on holiday with them. I said I’d think about it. But all I could
really think about was Flynn.
I had taken to carrying his wallet around with me, for reasons I was trying not to examine too closely. I hadn’t spent any more of the money inside, though I had examined the contents
again. I hadn’t heard from Flynn, either directly or through James. Despite what he’d said last weekend about not wanting the wallet back, I had to at least try and return it. The
easiest thing would be to leave it with James, of course. That’s what I’d told Grace I would do, what I
should
do. But the memory of my kiss with Flynn still filled my head.
He’d said he was still in love with me.
I had spent the week avoiding thinking how I felt about that but, as I turned the soft leather wallet over in my hand, I knew that it was the same for me. For all my insistence that I had moved
on, the truth was that I still loved him. I sat back, against the rough bark of the tree. It was a relief to admit it.
But what did I do?
One thing I knew for sure, I couldn’t tell anyone. Dad and Gemma had enough to worry about with Lily still in the hospital. Mum had always hated Flynn anyway. Leo likewise. Grace would be
sympathetic if I told her how I felt, but she had already made it clear she thought that seeing him again would be crazy. So had James – and he had once been Flynn’s best friend. None
of them really understood him like I did. Worse, none of them truly understood the strength of the emotions that still bound us to each other.
I was certain that Flynn had got involved in something criminal with that guy Bentham, but he had said – both directly to me and to Cody – that he was ending that involvement.
Didn’t he deserve another chance?
Why did no one else believe in him like I did?
I sighed, thinking through my options. James was my only direct route to Flynn. But if I asked James where I could find him, he would inevitably tell Grace who would probably tell Emmi –
and I’d have to face an interrogation from both of them.
I took the tiny booklet of matches out of the wallet and gazed at the Blue Parrot logo on the front. Although Flynn had said he no longer intended to work for Bentham, the people at the Blue
Parrot bar – which Bentham owned – would surely know how I could contact him, as well as whether or not he’d kept his word about leaving. If he hadn’t, I didn’t want
to see him anyway.
I decided to go to the bar and find out. I got up and brushed the grass from my jeans, feeling better for having a plan. I explained to Grace that I was going out with an old friend from home
for the evening, and that if I could crash at hers that would be great. Grace was happy to agree, which meant I didn’t even have to lie to Dad. In the end I left him a carefully worded note
explaining that I was catching the train to London for the night, and that I’d stay over at Grace’s. I felt bad that I was allowing him to assume I was spending the entire evening with
her, but I couldn’t see a better alternative.
Everything went as planned. Dad came home late and left again for the hospital early on Saturday morning. I did my commune chores – clearing out the hen hutch and helping John and Julia
check over all the sheep. I even took on what should have been Dad and Gemma’s job of preparing – and clearing – lunch, but at last I was free.
I spent quite a while in my room trying to decide what to wear. I’d checked out the Blue Parrot online and I knew it was a smart, upmarket bar. I didn’t want to look out of place
walking through the door. On top of that, I was still a few months off my eighteenth birthday and the last thing I needed was to be challenged about my age.
Part of me, therefore, wanted to dress up. However another part was determined that I shouldn’t make too much effort in case I actually saw Flynn. It was all very well him saying he was
still into me when I was wearing a slinky dress and high heels, but the real me was more likely to be found in sweatpants and trainers. If he didn’t want
that
River, then he
didn’t really want me at all.
In the end I compromised, teaming my jeans and flat sandals with one of my favourite tops: black and silver, with a slash-neck and tiny straps on the shoulders. I shoved all the money I had into
my pockets, along with Flynn’s wallet, my keys, my phone and one lipgloss. Tonight, I was travelling light.
I was nervous when I arrived at the bar. It was almost nine p.m. and the place was heaving with people – though no Flynn. The place was smaller than I was expecting – and very
designer. A glass-topped bar ran in a huge circle around the room. The bar staff, all dressed in black and white shirts, served from inside the circle. There were a few chairs and tables in the
corners, but most people stood or sat on stools at the bar. It was hot in here and the music was loud – a love song that Flynn and I had once listened to together.
I went over to a gap in the bar and waited until one of the barmen came over.
‘What can I get you?’ he asked.
‘Er, just a Coke, thanks,’ I said. I had already decided not to drink this evening. I needed to keep a clear head.
The barman brought my drink and I fished in my pocket for cash to pay.
‘Do you know a guy called Flynn?’ I asked, laying a note on the counter. ‘I think he might have worked here, not necessarily behind the bar, but . . . maybe out the
back?’
‘Flynn?’ The barman shook his head. ‘Sorry, sweetheart, never heard of him.’ He picked up the note I’d left and turned away.
‘Excuse me.’ I could feel my cheeks reddening.
The barman turned back.
‘Could you ask if any of the others do . . . er, please?’
The barman gazed at me for a moment. ‘Is he a friend of yours?’
I nodded.
‘Okay.’ He headed around the bar. I watched as he spoke to first the male, then the female bar staff. He turned to find me watching him and shook his head.
My heart sank. Now what did I do? All my expectations of this evening had revolved around Flynn being known here. Still, I couldn’t give up yet.
I wandered around the bar. A man – much, much older than me – asked if I’d like a drink. I shook my head and hurried on. The toilets were along a corridor to the right of the
bar. I noticed there was a staff door there too but I didn’t dare go through. Music thumped in the background, slightly muted here away from the bar. I was just wandering back to the hubbub
when a voice sounded at my shoulder.
‘If it isn’t River with an R.’
I spun around. Flynn’s friend, Cody, was standing behind me. He smiled, though on his lips it looked more like a sneer. ‘What are you doing here?’
I gulped. ‘Er, I’m looking for Flynn.’
Cody raised his eyebrows. He looked me up and down. I shuffled from side to side, feeling desperately uncomfortable. Cody had this way of staring at me that made me feel I was being somehow
undressed and ridiculed all at once.
‘He’s out the back,’ Cody said. ‘Want to see him?’
My stomach flipped over. Flynn was
here?
For a moment I felt excited at the prospect of seeing him and then I realised what this meant – that all his words about moving on,
leaving his work and going back to college had been entirely empty.
‘Well?’ Cody demanded.
I nodded. This was my chance to tell Flynn once and for all to leave me alone. He would never change. It was time I accepted it.
A dull ache settled in my chest as I followed Cody through the staff door. He led me along a corridor, past two closed doors and a flight of stairs. A fire door was propped open at the end of
the corridor. Through it I could see two men in conversation, smoking. They didn’t notice us. Cody turned a corner and led me into a small office.
The music from the bar was just a dim thud in the distance now. Cody shut the door behind him.
I looked around. Apart from a wall of shelves, crowded with files, a desk with a computer and a couple of chairs the room was entirely empty.
Cody stared at me menacingly. The dull ache vanished as my heart beat wildly.
‘Where’s Flynn?’ I asked.
‘You tell me,’ Cody said, walking over.
‘I don’t know where he is,’ I said, the words falling out of my mouth as fear seized me. ‘You said he was
here
.’
‘I lied.’ Cody looked me in the eye. His gaze was cold. He leaned closer and I could smell the stale beer on his breath. ‘I haven’t seen Flynn since that party last week.
In fact, the last time I saw him he was heading for the front door with you. So
you
tell me where he is.’