Declaration (21 page)

“Who is she? Why is it messy?”

My God, did this conversation feel oddly familiar. It made me even more on edge. The very last thing I wanted to talk to Kate about was my feelings for Whitney. My fingers fumbled with the coffee creamer, glancing up to see her watching me expectantly. “Nothing, it’s just...”

A veil of realization suddenly lowered itself over Kate’s expression, and her pale, milky skin went paler. “Oh,” she said softly, looking down.

“It’s not just that.”

“No?”

Against my better judgment, I decided to tell her the truth. A part of me thirsted to. She was my friend, and I wanted to confide in her. “I just don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship right now. I told her I want to be with her, but I just moved here, and I’m still getting used to…everything.”

“Do you care about her? I mean, is it serious?”

“A lot.” Answering that question was easy. It was defining what
a lot
meant that was the hard part. “I think it just became serious, yeah.”

“So, tell her how you feel. It’s good you’re moving on.” She walked around the counter and placed her hand over mine, over the coffee pot. We didn’t look at one another. “You can let yourself do that, you know.”

Something in me snapped, all of the tension I’d felt building up in my bones breaking like delicate blown glass. My hand recoiled from hers and the coffee pot went skittering to the floor, dumping its scalding hot contents at our feet. We both jumped back with a curse and I worked to slow my breathing. “It’s not that easy, Kate, don’t you get that?”

Our eyes met—mine hard and hers hurt. Her voice turned low and harsh. “I understand you’re still upset with Ryan, but you can’t hold this over my head forever, Carter. You can’t hold me responsible for the reason you’re in this…this rut, or whatever it is you’re in.”

“Rut?” I spat, thumbing my lip ring and pulling at my hair. “Seriously? Look around, Kate. I’m here, aren’t I? I moved across the country. I have a new job, new friends, this thing on my neck—I think it’s safe to say I’ve moved the hell on!”

“Please, calm down—”

“No,” I shouted, picking up the coffee pot and slamming it down on the counter. “Don’t tell me to fucking calm down. You want me to move on, yet you haven’t given me the space to. Not once! Not since I landed in Florida, and not since I’ve been dodging your phone calls. Now here you are, on my doorstep, and I’m supposed to what, just take you in? Do you want me to move on or not? Make up your damn mind!” All the natural fondness I’d felt for her vanished, a limb severed cleanly off. My outburst took even me by surprise.

Because it finally solved the puzzle for me: I was edgy and irritated not because I was angry at Kate, or even Ryan anymore. I was angry at myself and angry at what I had lost, what I valued most with Kate—her friendship.

“I can’t believe you,” she choked, crossing her arms protectively over her chest. “You’re so bitter, so angry at me for something that I can’t help. Something that I didn’t ask for and certainly can’t change. I don’t understand what you want from me! You promised you wouldn’t push me away anymore, but that’s all you’re doing. Making me pay for something I can’t control. All I want is to be your friend again.”

“Well you can’t be, can you? Not the way you used to be.” The words were flying from my tongue easily now. I knew just what I wanted to say and why I needed to say it.

Because it was the only goddamn way I’d ever truly be able to move on.

My fists tightened at my sides and everything I’d been holding back came rushing to the surface, everything I needed to say that I could never say to her on the phone. Everything that I didn’t or couldn’t process until just now, when she placed it all front and center for me. “I’m not trying to be a dick here, Kate. None of this is your fault. It’s no one’s fault. I don’t fucking blame you, alright? Shit like this happens all the time. I don’t
want
anything from you except for a little space and some understanding. That’s all!”

Her shoulders sank and she fell silent, her gaze unmoving, steadily trained on mine.

“I’m just
humiliated
. Don’t you understand that? Rejection fucking stings, and it especially stings when it’s your best friend—when it’s a relationship that you know you’ll doom to hell if you so much as even try to change it. You know why I’m so angry? Why I’m so bitter? Because I’m mad at
myself
! I knew there was never a chance in hell for me and you, and yet I made a move anyway—during the worst possible time, might I add. I was desperate and pathetic and so, so fucking
in love
with you, that I couldn’t control myself. You need to know that. From day one, you owned me. Before Ryan, before everything. But I knew you weren’t interested. I knew you didn’t want a relationship, let alone with me. So I let it go. Eventually I saw Ryan was good for you. It made me happy to see you happy.”

“I know it did.” Her voice cracked on a suppressed cry. “But you never really let it go.”

“I tried. I failed.”

“You can now.” She stepped forward to take my hand again and I flinched, but allowed her to thread her fingers with mine. “I’m not here to make things more difficult for you, Carter. I’m only here to tell you that you
can
do this.” She gestured to my apartment. “This whole life. All of it. I have faith in you. I know you don’t need me to tell you that, but I have to say it anyway, because I want you to know you have my support, always. I know neither one of us asked for this, and I know it’s no one’s fault. But I want to make amends. I want things to go back to normal.”

I squeezed her hand and closed my eyes, needing for her to understand. Hell, even I didn’t fully understand it all—maybe I never would—but I did know that seeing her here, live and in the flesh, made me realize one thing about my friendship with Kate.

It would never be the same.

That truth was so clear to me now, so incredibly vivid, the realization sent a punch to my lungs. That’s what I was grieving. Not the loss of a woman I never had, or some romanticized version of Kate Parker I’d created, but the loss of a friendship. It was still there, always would be, but the parameters had changed.

“I want that, too,” I said, staring down at our joined hands. “But I think it’s time we face the fact that there’s no going back. I need to accept that, and I think you do, too.”

Kate blinked hard and looked out over the balcony, past the marina and straight at the sun. “You’re right.” Her voice was solemn.

“We’ll always be us,” I said, letting my fingertips brush hers. “It’s just different now. And that’s okay. It’s all going to be okay.”

“I was wrong for not giving you space. I’m sorry.”

“I was wrong for a lot of things.”

She faced me, her gaze full of apprehension. “You’ll come to the wedding?”

I studied the sadness in her eyes. There was so much sincerity there. “Of course I’ll come.”

“What about Ryan? Will you try to be civil?”

“You really love him.”

“Yes.”

“Then I can try. You’re happy. That’s all that matters to me.”

“What about this new girl of yours? What’s her name?”

“Whitney.”

“Will you bring her as your guest?”

“You want me to?”

“Of course. I’d love to meet her.”

“Do you think I can invite another friend of mine? Jackson? He’ll want to bring his girl, too. You’d like them. They’re friends with Whitney.”

“Sure. But if this Whitney ever hurts you…I’ll be calling Dean’s uncle to take care of the body.”

“
Ha
.” I let her fall against my chest again, bringing my arms loosely around her. “Deal.”

Her cheeks were still wet with tears, but I could feel her smile into my shirt. “Damn it, Carter, why did you have to do something stupid like go and fall in love with me?” She punched my shoulder playfully and I pinched her back.

“You can always count on me to keep things interesting, you know that.”

“Speaking of interesting,” she pulled back to look up at me, “I don’t know how it’s possible, but Dean has gotten even weirder since you left. I think even Crystal is starting to get a little creeped out.”

“It doesn’t surprise me in the least.” We both exhaled deeply, breaking our embrace.

“I better get going.”

A smidgen of guilt flared in my stomach for turning her away. This was Kate, after all, and she’d flown across the country to see me. “Look, I can figure something out. I just need to talk to Whitney first and you can stay—”

“No,” she said sternly, shaking her head. “You’re right. It wouldn’t be a good idea. Not after…all this. We need time to let everything sink in, ya know?”

I nodded, knowing she was right.

“Besides, I don’t want to step on Whitney’s toes. I’ll grab a room at one of those hotels on the beach. I’m only here for two nights, anyway. Gotta get back for a meeting with the publisher.”

I kept the fact that Whitney worked at one of those hotels to myself. Not that I needed to hide anything from either one of them anymore, but after what transpired last night with Whitney, I didn’t want to rub salt in her wound by introducing her to Kate right now. Maybe Kate would wind up at her hotel. Maybe Whitney would change her sheets and leave a mint on her pillow. Kate would leave her a gracious tip. Maybe they’d see each other in passing and never know just who they were looking at, none the wiser.

“Alright,” I ruffled her hair, “grab some sun while you’re here. You’re pasty.”

“You’re always pasty. I’ll bet you gave the locals a good fright.”

“Have a safe flight home and say hi to Benny at our crepe spot at the market for me, will you?”

“Yeah.” She turned for her duffle bag and started toward the door.

“Hey, Kate?”

She pivoted on a hip to glance back at me as she reached for the doorknob.

“Congratulations.”

A full-bodied smile lit up her face. “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

“I think I have.”

And like a ghost in the night, she was there, and then she was gone. My favorite girl from back home. The one who’d always have a piece of me, but never enough to break me or leave me feeling less than whole.

Not anymore.

***

Kate’s brief visit threw my entire being into action that day. The lack of sleep from the night before did nothing to deter me from being productive, as it threatened to do earlier that morning. Instead, I roped up the lagging energy and gave it a super charge with a few energy drinks and my feverish new mission.

“Carter, my boy! Good to see you. Tia is doing good, yes?” Tony’s jolly smile greeted me as I walked through the kitchen of Orpheus. I strode right past him, not bothering to stop and engage in small talk. I had things to do, places to be.

“That she is, Tony. She’s moving right along. You should be proud. I’ll see you in an hour.”

He curiously watched me sail past him, but didn’t question me. Instead, he just stepped aside to avoid the tornado of determination that was barreling down a straight path. “Door’s open!” he called to me, laughing.

I jogged up the stairwell to his apartment and let myself in, calling out for the little tyke. “Tia? You here?”

“Here!” she shouted with laughter and zoomed around the corner, heading straight for me. She grabbed onto my legs and I stumbled back a bit, catching my balance on the side of the wall.

The voice of Hilda, the housekeeper, followed. “Oh my, Mr. Carter. She looks forward to your lessons more and more every week. Tia,” she bent down with a wet hand towel and wiped Tia’s fingers, “you didn’t finish your dinner. Have you had enough to eat?”

“Yep! I’m full, Ms. Hilda.”

“Okay, kiddo,” she laughed, rising back to her feet. “I’ll put the leftovers in the fridge. You two have fun.” With a smile, she disappeared into the kitchen and I led Tia over to the living room couch, our usual spot.

“So, listen up, Squirt,” I said, unzipping Liz’s case. “I have a job for you. Do you think you’re up for the challenge?”

“A job?” She raced around me to grab her own Liz, which was propped up on its designated stand in the corner of the living room. A sign hung above it, boasting the guitar’s name as if it were a sacred artifact. I laughed lightly. She dragged Imposter Liz over the carpet with one hand to join me on the couch. “Do I get paid?”

“Uh…that depends on your Daddy. But I think this job will make your momma smile from heaven.”

“I love it when momma smiles.” Her cheeky little grin was bright as could be, but there was a wistful lilt in her voice.

“Okay. You know how the Queen of England has guards?”

Tia’s head bounced up and down.

“They’re like assistants, right? Each with some sort of job to do.”

Again, another head bounce.

“Well, there’s this queen named Whitney, and she needs some help.”

“Is she a big queen?”

My lips swished to the side and I glanced to the ceiling. “
Mmmm
, I’d say she has a fairly large kingdom, yup.”