Declan (4 page)

The whole ride home to Harvey I kept second-guessing myself. Is there anything that I could have said or done to help Max. Was leaving the right thing to do? I need to ring my Captain and see if I can call on some psych support at least for him, knowing Max he’ll refuse it point blank like I did. There’s got to be something we can do.

I call Cameron when we get in; when I mention the tablet he asks me what it looked like. I try and recall it. I think it was a chalky, aqua blue looking tablet with some sort of pattern engraved on it.

“Shit, sounds like he’s on Amphetamines.” Cameron groans.

“Come off it. You know Max, he’s as anti drugs as the rest of us.” I offer. We’ve seen too many friends fall prey to drugs to overcome the stress of combat. “Max is stronger than that.”

“Everything you’ve told me says its drugs, Declan. I know you don’t want to believe it. The mood swings, the depression, the anger. They’re all classic signs. We need to find out how he’s getting them, but you can’t just stop him cold turkey, we don’t know how long he’s been on them.”

“I guess I can talk to his Doctor.” My response sounds lame even to me. “What do we do? We can’t let Georgia go through this on her own.”

“Other than helping Luke out with his renovation I’ve got nothing on, we could stay with him, take it in shifts I guess.” Cameron suggests. Knowing Max that’s not going to go down well. He’s a strong willed individual when he’s not messed up on drugs. This isn’t going to be easy.

“I’ll give Georgia a call, see if we can set it up.” It’s not going to be easy, but we have to pull together to try and help Max. It’s the least we can do. “Does Luke need anymore help?” It wouldn’t hurt me to get my hands dirty for a while, right now I really need a distraction, something that will tire me out, help me sleep at night. Sleep hasn’t been my friend of late that’s for sure.

“I reckon we could do with a hand. He’s gutting the whole interior of the house first, then when he’s remodelled the garden will need landscaping. Pretty sure he could use a lackey like you.” I can hear the smirk in Cameron’s voice.

“Cheeky bastard.” I laugh. “Just remember who your commanding officer is.” I remind him. We chat for the next half hour catching up on who is doing what, and who is doing who, although we’ve not been able to find out any more about Jacob’s mysterious vet nurse since we last met. He’s keeping pretty tight lipped on the subject that’s for sure.

We end the call with me agreeing to call Georgia and the Captain to see what support we can offer, and what support the Army can offer. Max may be stubborn, but even he can’t take on all of us. At least I hope he can’t.

The call I had been putting off all morning is irrelevant now. Georgia just called. The surgeon has made the decision that they need to take Max’s leg off mid calf. It’s infected, and if they don’t deal with it now, he could end up losing it above the knee.

“How long has he been on the drugs?” I ask her.

“How… I don’t… how did you know?” she asks guiltily.

“He took them in front of me.” I reply, my voice heavy with disgust. “How the fuck did he get hold of them if he couldn’t even walk?”

Georgia tells me that she thinks it was one of the other patients in the hospital that started him off, and that a guy has been coming to the house most days. That’s why she’s covered in bruises, she’d begged Max to stop and he’d lashed out at her.

He’s going back into the hospital and Georgia has agreed to let the Doctors know so they can make sure he can’t get any more supplies whilst he’s in there. It will complicate his recovery, but hopefully he’s not too far into the addiction.

The phone is ringing and it drags me from yet another nightmare. I grope blindly on the nightstand for it and only succeed in knocking it to the floor. I curse as it continues ringing and vibrating across the floor.

I can’t get to it in time and it stops ringing. I’ve just decided I can’t be bothered to leave the comfort of my bed and it can stay there till morning when it starts ringing again.

“Have you seen the fucking time?” I question as I answer it without checking the caller display.

“Declan?” I don’t recognise the voice on the other end, other than it’s female and it’s crying. “He’s gone Declan.” Through the sobs I realise it’s Georgia on the phone.

“What do you mean he’s gone?” I’m half awake and can’t understand her. The clock says three am. I’m pretty sure the hospital wouldn’t have picked him up this early.

“He took an overdose, he left me the fucking coward.” She’s sobbing loudly now. I shake myself awake trying to understand what she just said.

“What do you mean he left you?” I sound like a fool repeating everything she says, but I’m really not grasping what she’s trying to tell me. Georgia can’t get any more words out from the sound of it, she’s sobbing so hard. There’s a scuffle at the other end and then a new voice comes on.

It’s a doctor who explains that Max had been brought into the emergency room after taking an overdose and that they’re very sorry but it was too late. They tried everything they could but were unable to save him. I listen to the words, but they sound like something you’d see on a tired hospital drama, not something to expect to hear about a guy I last saw a few hours ago. Max wouldn’t do this; he’s stronger than this. I try to tell the doctor that they must have the wrong man, but he assures me that there’s no mistake. He tells me that Georgia is in a bad way and as she has no relatives close by he asks if there is any chance that I could come and pick her up. I agree.

I’m on autopilot all the way to the hospital. I manage to ring Cameron on route and let him know what’s happened. He offers to call the rest of the guys for me and meet me at Max’s house.

I pull up into the parking lot of the hospital and sit there for ten minutes trying to get my head around it all. Trying to put on a brave face for Georgia. I’ve failed. I’ve let my team down. I let Max down.

I’m sitting in an anonymous hotel room and I’ve no idea how I got here, or even where here is. I’ve woken from yet another nightmare, and I can’t tell which parts of it are real, and which parts of it are not. The half empty bottle of Jack Daniels on the nightstand clues me into the fact I had to drink myself to sleep yet again.

The clock throws out a faint glow as it clicks over to three am. Why does that time seem important? Snatches of conversations, glimpses of memory start to return and as the events of last night become clear again I’m ashamed of myself.

What the fuck have I become? A few months ago I was a Sergeant commanding a group of guys I loved like brothers. I was good at my job. Then one morning it all went to shit. That one morning destroyed lives, and I was powerless to stop it. I wish I hadn’t killed that young boy now, I should have let him kill me, but would that have saved Max?

I can’t seem to find reason or logic in anything. I can’t even think of a reason why I should wake up, why I should be alive. Maybe Max was right, he thought we’d all be better off without him, and right now, I think everyone would be better off without me.

That’s the Jack Daniels talking; at least I hope it is. I try and do a mental calculation of the pros and cons of staying alive. The only thing that is keeping me alive right now is that I haven’t got a gun to shoot myself with.

There’s a click as the clock turns to 3.02am. I can’t think about this now, I’m so exhausted, I need to sleep. Picking up the bottle of Jack Daniels I drink myself back into oblivion. I’ll think about this later.

The hot shower washes away the sweat from my troubled nights sleep, but it does nothing to cleanse me of the self-loathing I’m feeling right now. I’ve downed the contents of a full bottle of Jack Daniels and the only side effect is a fuzzy mouth. I’ve got to stop drinking like this. It’s a downward spiral. Gran would be furious if she could see me now. I promised her I’d pull my act together and I’m already failing her.

There’s a knock at the door as I step out of the bathroom wrapped in the too small towel. It’s Cameron, and like the friend he is he’s bearing gifts, hot black coffee and bacon sandwiches. I mentally toss up the pros and cons of letting him in, knowing I’ll get a tongue-lashing and unwelcome home truths but the rumbling from my stomach wins out.

“What happened?” he looks me up and down appraisingly. He shrugs his shoulders so I’m guessing he’s not impressed with what he sees. I didn’t look in the mirror this morning but I can imagine what he sees. Dark shadows under my eyes, unshaven stubble and no light behind my eyes at all, just dark pools of self-pity.

“I fucked up, Cam.” I sag onto the mattress of the bed. I hadn’t realised I was hungry till he passed me the bacon sarnie and I devoured it in a few bites. The hot coffee sates my thirst a little.

“Where the fuck have you been man? I’ve been calling you for three days.” I look up at Cam in surprise. Three days? It can’t be.

“What day is it?” I ask.

“It’s Friday. Where the fuck have you been and why are you holed up in this shithole?” He looks confused. Shit. I’m confused. I’ve lost two days. Max’s funeral was on Tuesday, surely today should be Wednesday?

“Friday?” I question. “You’re having me on right? Today’s Wednesday.”

“Declan, what happened to you man? No one’s seen you since the funeral on Tuesday. Georgia said you had some sort of nightmare and shot off and no one’s heard from you since.” His phone sounds a text message and he looks at the screen. “Oh yeah, you’d better give your Gran a call, she’s having a shit fit to put it mildly.”

I groan. I’ve just about convinced my Gran I’m pulling myself together and now I’ve lost two days in a drunken stupor again. She’s going to ream my ass that’s for sure. Cam is probably my closest friend, but how much can I tell him without making myself sound like I’m going insane?

“I fucked up, Cam.” I whisper. “I don’t know what happened, but I fucked up man.” Involuntarily my body starts to shake, it’s like a shiver runs through me and I can’t control it. It’s so bad I almost spill the hot coffee, but Cam reaches over and takes it from me, placing it on the nightstand.

Cam moves closer to me on the bed and puts his arm around me in a comforting gesture, it’s my undoing, and big hard man that I am, I break down and cry on my friend’s shoulder. Cam says nothing; he just sits there rubbing his hand on my back until I’m done. He lets me release it all without judging me.

“You need to get help, Declan. You can’t bottle all this shit up and not expect to blow.” He tells me. “We went through some bad shit, but you saved us, its done now. We’re home, and we’re safe.” He talks quietly, soothingly, as though he was talking to a troubled child.

“I didn’t save Max.” I tell him. “I let him down, I should have been there for him.” Guilt is eating me up, so is fear. “Every time I close my eyes I’m back there, in that Nary. I see that boys face.” The shakes are back again, but Cam doesn’t let go. He just sits there and talks to me quietly and calmly.

I honestly don’t remember what he says to me, just the soothing tone. Eventually the shakes ease off.

“I’m not going to lose you, Declan.” He states. “We’re not going to lose you. We lost Max, and we’re not losing anyone else.” Cam reaches over and lifts my head so that I’m looking him in the eyes. “You’re our leader, Declan. You’re one strong motherfucker when you want to be, I need you to remember that. Now what’s this all about?”

Slowly I talk Cameron through the nightmares, the panic attacks, even sleeping with Georgia and almost strangling her. The whole time he just sits there, I can’t read him, but I don’t think I see any judgement in his eyes either.

“You might want to ring Georgia and say sorry. That was a pretty shitty thing to do running out on her.” I laugh; I can’t help it. Out of everything I just told him that’s the bit he picks up on.

“I think running out on her was the least of it.” I mutter. He’s right though, I do need to ring her and apologise.

“You need to ring your Gran first though, she’s been blowing up my phone with messages.” He grimaces as yet another text message tone sounds. He looks me up and down again. “Go grab another shower and a shave, make yourself look human and I’ll go get more coffee and bacon. I’ll let your Gran know I’ve found you, and once you’re cleaned up you can ring her and let her know you’re okay.” He pats me on the back as he rises from the bed and starts typing on his phone.

“You’d better be here when I get back.” He warns me as he walks out of the door.

I’m starting to feel more human thanks to Cam bringing coffee and food. I’ve shaved and washed my hair, now the guy looking back at me in the mirror looks a little more like me, although he still looks rough.

“So what are you going to do?” Cam asks me. “You need to get help.”

I balk at the idea of sitting in a room with some head shrink. It’s not me. There’s got to be some other way of getting back to me.

“I don’t know, Cam.” I answer honestly. “I think I just need to get away for a while. Maybe go on a road trip with the bike.” I’ve always loved being out on the bike, hopefully that will help me get my head back in the right place.

“And what if that doesn’t work?” Cam has a knack of asking the questions you don’t want to answer. As much as I love him as a friend, right now I’m not his biggest fan.

“I don’t know.” I admit. Cam seems to consider this; he gives it a few minutes before he replies.

“I’ll go with you. I’ve got a friend out near Mildura I was going to go see, old army buddy of my Dad’s. Instead of flying I guess I could go on a road trip with you. It’ll be a nice trip along the coastal highway, probably take us the best part of a week though.” I can see him mentally calculating the route.

“Where’s Mildura?” I ask. I’ve never heard of it.

“Well, we’re actually going to Severed, it’s outside of Mildura in Victoria.” He smiles.

“We haven’t been on the bikes in how long?” I ask. “And you want to ride to the other side of the country?” I laugh at the absurdity of it.

“Come on, Declan. You know you want to.” Cam smirks. He’s right. I do want to. A week on the bike, along the coastal highway stopping off in little towns along the way sounds like just what I need right now.