This was my first real kiss and it was perfect. The kisses before were ugly things I endured, but this kiss from Judd was something I savored. Pressed against him, I felt his heart racing under the palms of my hands. He wanted me and I never felt more important.
As our lips sucked at each other hungrily, I imagined a life in Ellsberg. Laughing with my sister, becoming stronger and more confident, and loving this man who wrapped me wonderfully in his arms.
The day Farah left for college was the worst of my life. Worse than anything from the week with the bikers. Worse than any beating from my father or dismissal from my parents or new day at another new school. When Farah left, I thought I would never see her again. I had been so certain she would go to college and flourish and outgrow me. Once she had friends and found a man who loved her, Farah wouldn’t need to settle for me any longer.
Instead, Farah found all of those blessing, yet still wanted me in her life. Her love for me led to this moment with this man who saved me and now held me like I was special to him. No matter what he said about redneck fucking and only caring about his pleasure, I knew it was a lie. The way he held me was too careful for a man who didn’t care.
Never wanting it to end, I whimpered as he pulled his lips away. Judd stared into my eyes with such desire that I smiled. He wasn’t ready because of my age and maybe because he thought he was a bad man. Yet, he wanted to be mine. If it was merely lust, I would see only hunger. Instead, I saw hope and dread wrapped into a desperate gaze.
Brushing his lips against mine, Judd sighed. “Let’s get you to your sister.”
Judd pulled away slowly as if reluctant to let go. Also, he might have worried I needed steadying after the intensity of our embrace. Despite my wildly beating heart and flushed skin, I never felt more alive and in control.
Opening the car door for me, Judd again avoided my gaze. He was thinking now. Working through his uncertainty, but he knew what I did. We met for a reason, just like Farah and Cooper. Fate brought us together and we could make each other happy.
Happiness was what I felt as we drove the last hour to Ellsberg. I caressed my lips and grinned endlessly. Judd occasionally glanced at me, trying to be irritated. Wanting to dismiss that kiss, he likely worried about losing his freedom. A man like him fought commitment, but a part of him already knew he was mine.
Chapter Five
For most of the next hour, I couldn’t take my eyes off Judd. Occasionally, he would glance at me and our eyes would meet and I’d see everything in his baby blues. Most of all, I saw conflict.
I thought Judd’s concern over my age showed good character. How many men would really care about a month’s difference in age? How many men like Judd wouldn’t consider himself lucky to have a chance at a little jailbait? I heard men bragging about the young women they nailed before the girls were legal. Judd wasn’t like them. He was special, but he just didn’t know it yet.
Smiling for most of the drive, I couldn’t imagine looking at Judd for the rest of my life. I always assumed I’d be lucky to live long enough to have any man. Never did I dream of one as beautiful as Judd. Strong and brave too. The way he dealt with Tommy was like he wasn’t afraid at all. I could be strong too, if I had a man like him at my side.
My smile faded as we reached Ellsberg and I realized I would see Farah within minutes. Suddenly, I was terrified.
“We’ve been apart for a month,” I said after Judd called Cooper to say we were nearly there. “While Farah made a great life for herself, I was letting myself starve to death in a shit motel. I’ll ruin everything for her and she’ll stop loving me.”
“Angel, your sister needs you too.”
“No, she doesn’t,” I said, panicking now. “She’s got Cooper. She’s got school and friends. I’m not good at anything. I’ll mess everything up.”
“Farah sees what I do and that’s why she needs you.”
Staring at him through my wet eyes, I reached for his hand. “She’s the only person who’s ever loved me. My parents said they did, but it was a lie. Farah’s all I’ve ever had and she’ll reject me once she remembers how I really am.”
Judd swallowed hard. “You’re killing me saying shit like that.”
“I just want to be loved,” I whispered as we turned down another street, one block closer to Farah.
Judd nodded, saying nothing. Finally, we made a last turn and he squeezed my hand.
“It’s on the left.”
Staring at the huge houses, I couldn’t believe Farah lived in one. Then, I saw her and the houses faded away. I didn’t see the big trees or the large man on the porch next to her. I only saw my sister who looked more beautiful than I remembered. Her face was fuller and she looked healthy. Happy too, but a little scared. Maybe she was afraid I would ruin things too.
We pulled into the driveway and Farah ran for the car. She missed me and I needed her to know I missed her too. Struggling with the seatbelt, I fought to free myself until Judd clicked the button. Suddenly, I was out of the car and in Farah’s arms.
Until the moment I felt her against me, I didn’t really believe I would see her again. While I’d promised myself I would, I often lied. Honesty was for stronger people. The truth was for those with hope and I had none. Yet, somehow I was back with my sister.
Crying against each other, Farah soothed me with promises. She believed hers though. We were safe and free now. Life would be great and we would always be together. Farah said the words like they were etched in stone. I wanted so much to believe them, but I felt the men watching us. Glancing in their direction while still wrapped in Farah’s arms, I wasn’t bothered by Judd’s gaze on me. Cooper was the one who scared me.
From Farah’s descriptions, I knew he was tall, muscular, and handsome. With his blond hair shaved short and powerful tattooed arms crossed tightly, he was intimidating. A frown on his face, Cooper dissected me with his dark eyes like I was trash that would dirty his house. Even knowing he loved Farah, I couldn’t imagine him loving anyone. Unlike Judd, who hid behind those cold eyes, Cooper didn’t hide anything. He was just a dark figure, enduring me for the sake of Farah’s happiness.
Farah noticed me watching him and she knew I was scared. She wasn’t always the best at reading people, but she knew what I was thinking even when I didn’t. Pulling me to my feet, Farah led me towards Cooper who showed no reaction.
“This is Tawny,” she said excitedly like he would be happy to meet me.
Then, Cooper smiled and did look happy. Maybe not at having me there, but he was clearly happy to see Farah smile. Even scary, I knew he loved her. It was so obvious, even when he tried to hide it again once he remembered Judd was standing nearby.
“This is Cooper,” Farah added when we said nothing.
“Hi,” I mumbled, hoping he could see something good in me like Farah did.
“Hell yeah, she’s your sister. Look at those big brown eyes.”
My hand still in hers, a laughing Farah hugged him. Even smiling, I was nervous. In the past, Farah’s life sucked yet, just a little time away from me had brought her so many great things. Would I destroy it all just as quickly?
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Judd retrieve my suitcase and the bags with my new clothes. I glanced at Farah then let go of her hand to walk where he stood.
“I’ll see you around, kid,” he said without looking at me.
“When?” I asked as Farah joined me.
“You saved her,” she said, ready to hug him before Cooper stepped closer and frowned like he didn’t want his woman touching some guy. While the couple shared a frowning contest, I moved closer to Judd.
“When?” I said again.
Sighing, he stared and I thought we would have a contest now.
“When?” I whispered.
“I have a life around here.”
Frowning, I turned to Farah who likely lost her contest because she looked irritated while Cooper smirked.
“I want to talk to him alone.”
“How alone?” Cooper asked, smirk gone as he squinted at Judd.
“They were just alone for a few days,” Farah pointed out.
“Yeah, but job’s over.”
Judd rolled his eyes and walked to his car. Following him, I ignored Cooper who said something to Farah. When I glanced back at them, Farah was using her body to block Cooper from following me. At first, this irritated her scary boyfriend. Yet, he soon focused on her chest and they started muttering something I suspected wasn’t appropriate for younger ears.
“Go with your sister,” Judd said, opening his door.
“I live in Ellsberg now. I could be part of your life around here.”
Judd glanced at Cooper then at a few kids riding their bikes. Finally, he returned his gaze to me and those blue eyes were cold.
“You’re hot, but you’re a fucking kid. You cry and whine and are scared of every fucking thing. I’m a man, Tawny, and I need a woman and you’re not even close.”
As we stared at each other, I prayed he would back down. Was he was just saying the words to do the right thing or because Cooper was nearby? I wanted him to be lying, but he stared at me like I meant nothing. No, I guess he said I was hot. He would fuck me, but he wouldn’t talk to me afterwards.
I had never dreamed of anything before. My only hope was not to die violently, but I’d never really hoped for something special for myself besides being around Farah. For the last few days, I had dreamed of me and Judd though. He was mine and I would have something special of my own.
The dream of us was still fragile. It needed him to signal me in some way that I was special to him too. He needed to show me a moment of regret. A crack in his cold demeanor to give me the hope at how my dream wasn’t dead.
Judd gave me nothing though. He only stared like I was stupid and annoying and he wished he could leave and hook up with someone better than me in a million ways. I had never dreamed before and now I wished I had never dreamed ever. Better to never hope than to have the hope ruined.
Stepping back, I nodded. Tears fell as I stepped back again. Hiccupping while trying to act casual, I wanted to cry and whine and be scared of a future without Judd as mine. I wanted to be the loser he saw me as, but I only nodded and stepped back until I felt Farah behind me.
“Thanks,” I said, still a speck of hope that before Judd left he might show me he cared.
Judd didn’t react to my thanks or tears. He just nodded at Cooper then got into the SUV we shared so much time inside. Driving away, he didn’t look back. I watched him until he disappeared and he never looked back once.
Chapter Six
After Judd left and I followed Farah into her beautiful house, I felt lost. Cooper watched me like I was a curious thing he wished would leave. Next to him, Farah was bouncing off the walls with excitement. After showing me around her amazing house, she pulled me upstairs to the two rooms I was given. One held a bed, dresser, and a flat screen on the wall. The other was empty except for a couch and a TV on the wall.
“Do you not like it?” Farah asked, standing next to me like she might cry at any moment.
“Of course, I like the rooms. I just can’t believe they’re both for me.”
Farah shut the bedroom door and leaned against it. “You liked that guy, didn’t you?”
“Yes, but it doesn’t matter. You heard what he said.”
“Maybe he just said that because of Cooper? You saw how he was being out there, all protective like you’re his little sis.”
I forced a smile. “I like Cooper.”
“Do you?”
“Farah, he’s gorgeous and rich and he loves you so much. He’s great. I’m not grumpy because of him or the rooms. I just thought something special was happening with me and Judd. I was wrong though.”
Wrapping me into an embrace, Farah spoke softly. “Guys around here are scared of Coop. It’s possible Judd was intimidated.”
“I doubt it. He just changed his mind about me. It’s fine. I don’t know why I thought I could keep him interested when I’m the loser chick he found in a shit hole. I probably seemed interesting enough while on the road, but here he has options. Better women, not losers.”
“Don’t.”
Hugging her tighter, I felt at home in her embrace. “I feel like I lost something special. It might seem stupid, but I had it all planned out in my head and I was so sure. I was wrong though. I misread him and I’m usually good at reading people.”
Cradled in her arms, I missed Judd already and imagined him with another woman. Enjoying someone beautiful and confident, he would forget about me while I pined for him.
“I want to change,” I whispered.
“Here you can be anyone. I’m proof of that.”
Nodding, I sat on the bed and looked up at her. “Tonight, I need to feel sorry for myself and miss Judd. Tomorrow, I’ll enjoy my new start.”
Farah sat on the bed next to me. “What did you like about him?”
“I just felt comfortable with him, even if I shouldn’t. Like he was scary and rude, but I saw stuff in him. It sounds stupid.”
“And he kissed you?”
Smiling, I caressed my lips. “It wasn’t a kiss really. It was everything. The way he held me in his arms and how his lips and mine were just perfect together. I felt like he was mine, but I was wrong. I saw what I wanted to see and now I feel stupid.”
“Men like Judd are complicated, I think. Even Cooper, who has a good family and a pretty easy life, can be difficult to understand. A guy like Judd is probably even more complicated. Who knows? Maybe he’ll come back tomorrow and say he’s sorry and wants to be with you?”
“Maybe,” I said, not believing it. “Tomorrow, I’m going to learn about Ellsberg and see your life here. I heard you talk about it and want to see what it’s really like. I also want to find a job.”
“You don’t need a job, Tawny. Cooper can take care of us.”
“He shouldn’t have to though,” I said, pushing her long hair behind her ear. “He doesn’t even know me.”
“He knows you’re my best friend.”
Too freaked out for me to push the subject, Farah wanted me to feel safe and happy because she was safe and happy. Yet, I wasn’t the one with a beautiful rich guy in love with her. I wasn’t the one who graduated high school, attended college, and had a great future ahead of her.