“No. She contacted me after the arrest because she knew she’d be sent to jail. She moved away from the guy she’d shacked up with and moved back in with her aunt. But the aunt can’t take care of Landon. So she needs…”
“Oh no. Please tell me you didn’t volunteer to—”
“What choice do I have?” He stood and paced to the door and back. “If one of Landon’s blood relatives doesn’t take him, her aunt will turn the child over to Protective Services.”
“It sounds like the kid will be a helluva lot better off with a child protection agency than with her,”
Jessie snapped.
Brandt froze. “You don’t mean that.”
“Yes, I do. She’s a perfect example of why there are these types of agencies, Brandt. Let them deal with her and with the kid. They’re more qualified to make a rational decision about—”
“The only living link I’ll ever have to my dead brother? I’m just supposed to say,
oh well, not my
problem
? Not care? He’s little more than a baby, Jess. None of this is his fault. Don’t you see that? I’m sorry, but I can’t walk away. I won’t.”
“Fine. You can’t. I get that. But I don’t understand what any of this has to do with me.”
Here was the moment of truth. He knelt in front of her. “Because I can’t do this by myself. I need your help.”
27
Lorelei James
“No.”
“Just hear me out.”
“No. God. No. Stop. Brandt. Please. Just stop.”
The look on her face was killing him, but somehow he soldiered on. “It’s a temporary situation. Just a few months.”
“You can’t be serious. You really aren’t asking me to help you take care of my dead husband’s illegitimate child.”
“That’s exactly what I’m asking.”
“Oh God, I’m gonna be sick.” She shoved him aside so hard he fell on his ass and she raced to the kitchen sink.
Her retching sounds, mixed with her heartbreaking sobs, made his eyes burn and his throat tighten.
He was asking the impossible of her. He knew that. But he also knew that Jessie had the kindest soul and the purest heart of anyone he’d ever known. That’s why he hated how his brother had treated her. And it pissed him off that Luke still had the power to hurt her—to hurt both of them—from beyond the grave.
Brandt wasn’t a religious man, but maybe there was a reason this child had happened and a reason why Samantha had come to him for help. He had to believe this shitty situation would mean something good in the end. Because if he thought too hard about the cruelty of it, he’d go stark raving mad. Hell. He was almost there.
He picked himself up off the floor and went to her. Jessie didn’t shrink away when he wrapped his arms around her. She turned and burrowed into his chest, sobbing.
Brandt held her and let his tears fall along right with hers.
Finally, she whispered, “I can’t do it.”
“You don’t know that,” he soothed. “I’m only askin’ you to try.”
“How? By forcing me?”
He tipped her chin up. “I’d never force you. You know me better than that.”
Again, she looked away. Again, Brandt lifted her chin and studied her eyes. The misery was still there, but something else was too. Something that resembled anger. “What?”
“Why me, Brandt? Why am I the first person you thought of?”
Because you’re the most caring person I know.
“Is this some sort of punishment?”
Confused, he frowned. “Punishment? Why would you ask that?”
“Because I hurt you. Then you cut me out of your life completely. And you can deny it all you want-”
“I’m not denyin’ that you hurt me, Jessie. But
I
was the one outta line, not you. I was mad at myself, not at you.”
Jessie’s entire face held an expression of disbelief.
28
Cowgirls Don’t Cry
“So you think I’m usin’ this as an opportunity to get back at you? To hurt you?”
“That’s what I’m asking,” she said softly.
“Christ, just bringing the goddamn thing to your attention is hurting you. I can see that. You think I like the way you’re lookin’ at me right now? No. But I remember you looked at me the same way right after Luke died. I remember how we helped each other through it. One day at a time. How bein’ together somehow made it…bearable at times.” He closed his eyes against the pain in hers. “Do you remember the night you told me you wouldn’t have survived that first year if it hadn’t been for me? How you owed me and if I ever needed anything from you, all I had to do was ask? Well, Jess, right now, I’m askin’ you. I’m begging you. Please. I need you to help me do this.”
After a minute or so of hellish silence, she burrowed into him again. Her tears soaked his shirt. “I don’t know if I can do it. I need some time, Brandt.”
“I hate to say it, but that’s the one thing I can’t give you. I’m picking Landon up tomorrow.”
“And you’re just telling me now? This is going way too fast.”
“I hadn’t intended to spring this on you. But Samantha’s sentencing was moved up last week. She went to the women’s correctional facility in Lusk on Wednesday. Her aunt agreed to keep Landon only for a few days. If I don’t go get him tomorrow…”
Jessie jerked back. “Why is her aunt being so difficult?”
His hand shook as he brushed baby-fine strands of hair from her tear-stained face. “She’s actually her great aunt, who’s nearly eighty and is almost legally blind. It was easier takin’ care of baby contained in a crib. But now that Landon is walking, she literally cannot keep an eye on him.” That wasn’t all, but Brandt wasn’t about to put the cart before the horse.
So he shouldn’t have been surprised Jessie connected the dots.
“The aunt is afraid this isn’t a temporary arrangement. She’s worried she’ll get stuck with the kid permanently.”
Brandt didn’t bother to lie. “I’m assuming so. Like I said, Samantha has made some mistakes, but I’m not writing her off completely.”
“You should. God. Why couldn’t she have given him up for adoption?”
He couldn’t say he felt the same, because he didn’t. Even as much as it hurt Jessie, Brandt was glad Samantha had contacted him. He dropped his hands and stepped back. “Look. I know this is a lot to process. But it doesn’t change the fact I need your help.”
“And if I refuse? What then?”
“Then I’ll…” He blew out an exasperated breath. “Have no choice except to ask my parents to pitch in.”
There was Jessie’s horror-filled look. “But Casper—”
29
Lorelei James
“Is the worst possible choice, yeah, trust me, I know. My mother would be fine takin’ care of Landon, but she won’t stand up to my father, which means I’d have to leave Landon at their house. Every goddamn day. And I don’t trust my dad not to go around me.”
“Go around you how?”
“Given Samantha’s circumstances, he’ll try for full custody of Landon, and the court would award them guardianship, even temporarily, over me. I don’t want it to come to that. Ever.”
“When did you plan on telling them about him?”
“Tomorrow. I’d hoped to have a firm plan in place first, but if I don’t, I’ll wing it. Tell and Dalton will back me up, no matter what happens.”
In the unbearably long, brutal silence, Brandt felt his hope drying up. Felt her pulling away.
Shivering, Jessie wrapped her arms around herself. “It’s late. And I’m…”
In shock. Heartbroken. Angry.
Every emotion was written on her face. “Do you want me to go?”
She said, “Yes,” then amended, “unless you’re too tired to drive home. You can crash on the couch.
But you won’t get much sleep. It’s the last thing on my mind right about now.”
When Jessie was upset, she cleaned house like a maniac. He’d rather sleep in his damn truck than surround himself with her strange compulsion and the smell of bleach. He snagged his suit coat off the back of the chair. “I’ll go. Think about it, okay?”
She looked him dead in the eye and said, “I doubt I’ll think of anything else.”
Jessie didn’t sleep. She paced to the point it annoyed her dog. She drank two shots of whiskey and the booze stopped the shaking in her hands, but didn’t blot out the surrealness of the situation.
Luke had a child.
With someone else.
That alone would’ve been bad enough, if not for the fact she’d lost a baby. Every problem they’d ever had stemmed from that unintended pregnancy, which had forced them to get married. She’d miscarried at four months, after getting thrown off her horse. Luke hadn’t been devastated at the loss of the child as much as she had.
No, his devastation came from being trapped in a shotgun marriage.
The doctor’s suggestion that she remain at home to heal gave Luke an excuse to go out. While he’d been carousing in honkytonks in four counties, she’d been the dutiful wife.
He’d been so sweet and loving to her at times she wondered if she’d exaggerated his surliness when he wasn’t around. She’d wanted to try for another baby right away, but the doctor suggested she wait a year 30
Cowgirls Don’t Cry
and put her on birth control pills. Which had re-ignited their sex life for a while. But she hadn’t been enough for him. He’d gone elsewhere to satisfy his sexual needs.
She’d stumbled upon evidence of the first affair by accident. She hadn’t confronted him about it. She just tried harder to satisfy him—in bed and out—hoping it’d keep him home.
It hadn’t. As the months wore on, it was almost as if Luke wanted to get caught. He wanted Jessie to know he’d been with other women. He hadn’t tried to hide it from anyone, including his family. Casper McKay had been snide about it. Joan looked at her with pity. Dalton and Tell skirted the subject. But Brandt had seethed.
One afternoon Brandt had yelled at Luke for screwing around on her. Luke told Brandt to mind his own goddamn business and he could screw whoever he wanted. When Brandt insisted Jessie deserved better, Luke had laughed, warning Brandt that he wasn’t the better man, and if Brandt ever touched Jessie, Luke would kill him. Neither man knew Jessie watched in misery from the shadows of the barn.
She’d never understood why Brandt had stood up for her. It wasn’t like they’d known each other before she’d married Luke. She’d never understood why Luke had threatened Brandt over her, because she wasn’t the type to turn heads or inspire fierce loyalty. Or fidelity.
So the question on her mind now: Would he have left her for this Samantha girl once he’d found out she carried his child?
No. Luke would’ve bucked up to his responsibility for the kid, but he wouldn’t put himself in a repeat situation of being stuck in a relationship because of a child.
What a mess.
Imagining her husband in bed with another woman was bad enough. But seeing the proof of his passion? Of seeing the physical embodiment of what he’d denied her but he’d given to someone else?
She felt hollow. Totally eviscerated.
How could she look at the child with anything but loathing?
Brandt’s words,
He’s little more than a baby, Jess, none of this is his fault,
rang in her head and slashed at her heartstrings.
She would not feel guilty. She owed this Samantha girl nothing. She owed Luke nothing.
But she owed Brandt McKay everything.
Didn’t she?
She’d just gotten her life back on track on her own terms. She owed it to
herself
not to suffer through the heartbreak of wishing the little boy was hers. Of getting pissed off because he should’ve been hers. Of resenting Luke because he should’ve left her pregnant, not some strange teenager.
So when Brandt called tomorrow, she’d tell him no.
She’d scream no if she had to.
But she would say no.
31
Chapter Three
When Brandt pulled up to Jessie’s place late the next morning, she didn’t immediately exit the house.
He waited in his truck, listening to Landon’s soft snuffles drifting from the rear cab. The boy had screamed from the time he’d left his aunt’s house until ten minutes ago when he’d conked out.
Thank God.
He hoped the kid would be on his best behavior, all cute smiles and big blue eyes, because Brandt didn’t want to give Jessie a reason to say no.
She couldn’t say no. She was the key to everything.
Brandt unbuckled Landon and lifted him out of the car seat. He adjusted the hood covering Landon’s head and cuddled him against his body to block the wind. At the last second he remembered the diaper bag.
Kids came with a lot of stuff.
Fine flakes of snow pelted him in the face as he climbed the stairs. He stood in front of the door, figuring he’d use his foot to knock on the bottom aluminum panel if need be.
But the door opened and Jessie stared at him through the screen. Her eyes never left his, never strayed to the sleeping child on Brandt’s shoulder. “So much for not forcing me, huh Brandt? You just show up on my doorstep?”
This did not bode well.
After glaring at him, she held the door open and shushed Lexie’s excited barks.
He put Landon onto the couch, wedging him against the middle couch cushion facing out. He unzipped the tiny winter coat and tried to rearrange the hood, but the kid didn’t seem to mind it, so he left it as is rather than risk waking him. Turning around, he expected to see Jessie behind him, but she’d shooed Lexie outside and retreated to the kitchen.
Brandt ditched his coat and followed her.
“Coffee?” she asked softly.
“That’d be great.”
After she poured his cup, she leaned against the counter, keeping her back to the living room. Keeping her back to Landon.
He searched her face. Dark circles hung beneath her eyes, the only color on her too pale skin. Her lips were drawn in a tight line, as were her eyebrows. She looked like one wrong word would shatter her. “Did you sleep at all?”
Cowgirls Don’t Cry
Jessie shrugged. “I think I dozed off around dawn, but then I had to get up and feed the animals.” She blew across her coffee. “What about you?”