Contemporary Women's Fiction: Agnes Hopper Shakes Up Sweetbriar (Humorous Women's Fiction) (11 page)

“How nice,” Betty Jo said. She smiled, but gave me the oddest look.

“Yes indeed,” I said, rushing on to keep the conversation from going back to me. “This lady stays busy fixing fresh flower arrangements. Knows all the flowers’ names too, like a walking encyclopedia. Bet she could tell you the name of those little pink flowers on the tables. Go ahead, ask her.”

Betty Jo continued smiling. She reached out and took one of Pearl’s hands in both of hers as she leaned down to my good ear and whispered, “I thought she was your very best friend from high school. And what do you mean temporary neighbor until you find something?” She wiggled her nose like a rabbit, then sneezed. “What on earth? You smell like a truckload of pine logs.”

“New fragrance,” I said. “Christmas Spruce. How do you like it?”

“Well,” she said, sneezing again. “Smells fresh. Mighty fresh.”

“Thank you, dear.” I patted her hand and turned back to Pearl. “That’s right, Pearl’s a regular flower expert. And besides, she’s the best artist to come out of Southern High. You should see some of her work.”

“You don’t say.” Betty Jo raised her eyebrows into question marks. “Mother, we’ll have to talk later. Are you taking your blood pressure medicine?” I nodded and she turned her attention to Pearl. “Let’s go sit down, and I’ll bring you some nice chicken salad. Do you like chicken salad?”

As they turned to walk away, the director rushed up, puffing sweetness with every word. “Mrs. Hopper, your daughter has been a
saint in our little crisis. A pure saint. You must be mighty proud. Take your seat now. We don’t want to be the cow’s tail again, do we?”

Even though lunch turned out to be a special treat, my stomach felt slightly unsettled, so I picked at my food. Seems Prissy had put out a distress call to Sweetbriar’s Women’s Club. Since they were coming that afternoon for bingo, she asked if they might come a couple of hours earlier and help her prepare sandwiches. They did better than that. They brought homemade chicken salad and served it with fresh grapes and cantaloupe. They even brought tiny poppy seed muffins and lemonade.

The director was beside herself. “My goodness, this is wonderful,” she said over and over. “This is simply wonderful.”

Betty Jo brought the lemonade pitcher to our table. “Mother, you don’t seem very excited to see me. I know we agreed to visit on Sunday afternoons, but I thought I’d surprise you and come today too. Why aren’t you eating? You love chicken salad. Spent all morning stewing chickens, and you’ve hardly touched your plate.”

“Would you like a peppermint?” I said, reaching for my purse. “Think I’ll have one.”

She ignored my suggestion. “
Where
have you been, Mother? I looked everywhere, but I got busy with lunch and then, there you were … walking into the dining room.”

Alice started coughing as if she might be choking. All the club ladies rushed over to her. They patted her on the back, raised one arm, and told her to take a small sip of lemonade. She finally waved them off, squeaking out, “I’m fine. Really. I’m fine. Swallowed the wrong way.”

Betty Jo turned to another table to pour lemonade. Alice winked, or I think she did. Bless her heart. It’s hard to tell behind those thick glasses of hers, but I could see the grin spread across Smiley’s face.

I offered my plate to Lil, assuring her I hadn’t touched a thing, though I guess I had a little. She hesitated, but we traded plates and she dove in.

When Betty Jo came by again, she leaned down and said, “Well, that’s more like it. Soon as we get the dining room cleared, we’re going to start bingo. Won’t that be fun?”

“As much fun as hanging burley in the barn to cure while straddling the top rafter.”

She shot up straight. “Mother, your breath! Are you taking care of your hygiene?”

“Certainly. Cleanliness is next to godliness, I’ve been told.” I
smiled at Alice and Smiley’s shoulders shook with laughter.

The loud clapping of hands got everyone’s attention. “People. People. Listen, people. Come back in thirty minutes for bingo. Sweetbriar’s Women’s Club brought wonderful prizes. Get up now and stir around. Up, up, and stir around.” She fluttered to every table directing us like a church choir until we did her bidding.

“Charlie, when that woman oozes all sweetness and niceness, it just don’t seem natural.”

Soon as I stood, the pains in my stomach told me I needed to visit the nearest facility—and fast.

As I hurried through the dining room door, nearly blocked by Diamond Lil and her wheelchair, she grabbed my arm. “Where did you disappear to this morning? I saw you out behind the jasmine.”

“I’ve got to go to the bathroom,” I said between clenched teeth. I tried to pull away, but the woman had a stronger grip than I expected. “Let me go and I’ll tell you.”

She let go, and I headed to the closest restroom, across the entry hall between the office and the reading room. “Oh, Lord, Charlie, I’m not going to make it.”

With diamonds flashing, Lil sped ahead, turning her wheels with quick hand movements. “Yes you will. Come on. You’re almost there.”

The door was locked. “Someone’s in there!” I yelled.

My new friend banged her fist on the door. “Hurry up!” she demanded. “Emergency. Open up.”

When the door flew open, William Statton came out zipping his pants. I rushed past him and slammed the door behind me.

Lil stayed on the other side of the door. I heard her talking to William, and then she told Pearl and a woman named Susie to go on down to their rooms if they needed to use the bathroom. “The walk will do you good.”

Several minutes later I opened the door. “I don’t think I’ll want another one of Blind George’s chili dogs for a long time. Well, at least a week or two.”

“That’s where you went? To that place? My, my. You sure you don’t want to learn to play bridge?”

“No thanks. Were you in the garden too? All I saw was Pearl.”

“Watched you from my bedroom window. I’m in the last room down the right hall, and I have a view of the whole garden. Spend a lot of time watching the birds come to that feeder next to the goldfish
pond. My son, Edward, he’s president of Macon First you know, gave me one of those suction bird feeders for Mother’s Day.”

“I love to watch the birds,” I said, turning to leave, but she wasn’t finished.

“Stuck it to my window and filled it with thistle. All I get is finch—gold finch, purple finch. Messed up my window. I like to see the cardinals and jays and redheaded flickers and doves. You know, big birds with big personalities.”

I didn’t know, but I nodded anyway. “What did you see in the garden this morning?”

“One of the biggest hawks I’d ever seen. Don’t know where he came from. Magnificent creature. Swooped down and carried off a squirrel, so smooth and graceful Pearl didn’t even know it. She kept right on trimming that big azalea.”

As I walked down the hallway toward my room, the wheelchair stayed by my side. I decided to ask her straight out. “No, I mean what did you see
me
doing?”

She stopped to reach inside a pouch and held up a pair of binoculars. “Saw you disappear. One minute you were there. The next—gone. Disappeared like Alice in Wonderland. If I saw you, so could she.”

“She who?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer.

“The Queen Bee watches the garden from her upstairs window but usually only after dinner. You were probably safe. Sometimes, late in the day, I’ll wheel myself out to the fountain. Look at the goldfish swimming around and around, going nowhere. Happy because they don’t know any better.”

“Queen Bee? That name suits her. How do you know she watches the garden?”

Lil reached into another pocket and pulled out a hand mirror. “In the garden I always park with my back to the house. Watch her peeking from her room upstairs, behind lace curtains. I see her in my mirror, watching the garden. That woman’s never done anything to me, but she gives me a bad feeling in my gut.”

“You don’t say.”

“G-5, G-5,” called the lady in a blue-check dress. “Check your cards for G-5.”

Alice studied one of her bingo cards through her magnifying glass.
Everyone had two cards and a pile of red circles, giving each person two chances to win—except for Lollipop, who insisted on having seven cards stretched across in front of him. Three games had been played so far, Alice the winner of one of them.

The fourth game began. Before long, I heard her whisper and then watched her make the sign of the cross. “Forgive me, Jesus, I’ve won again.” She waved her hand in the air and shouted, “Bingo. I’ve got bingo. Again.”

A stout lady who looked like her girdle was too tight, checked Alice’s card and confirmed her as the winner. Another lady brought the cloth-lined peach basket over. Alice reached in, eyes closed. She pulled out another jar of perfumed hand cream and lined it up on the table. I wondered if the men had to choose out of the same basket and turned to Smiley. “That’s her second time out of four games. Do you think she’s cheating?”

“Alice? She’s going to be sitting on the front row of heaven.”

“Then you’re saying she’d never cheat, huh?” To Charlie I grumbled, “I’ll be lucky to slip into heaven on the back row. Don’t like bingo anyway.”

The stout lady told everyone to clear their cards for the next game. I asked if we could turn them in for new ones.

“Maybe after the next round.”

Lollipop was busy fiddling with a sucker. While he concentrated his efforts on the stubborn paper twisted around the stick, I reached over, shook the red circles off his cards, and switched two of his for mine. I thought no one noticed.

“You know in England, just a few hundred years ago, they beheaded people who cheated at bridge,” Lil said, looking straight at me.

“Bridge is too serious,” I said. “Bingo is boring. Now poker? That’s a real game of skill. Have to be an expert bluffer.”

She fingered her pearls, leaned closer to me and whispered. “You and I have one thing in common. We don’t like to lose. Especially our independence. This place will squeeze every independent drop out of you if you let it. Don’t let that happen.”

“I don’t intend to,” I said. “I have a plan.”

She smiled.

“B-22, B-22,” called the blue-check lady. “Don’t forget your free space. Check your free space, everyone.”

With a toss of her pearls, Lil leaned forward and said, “Let’s make a
deal. If you’ll learn bridge, I’ll give poker a try. Good thing my Harold isn’t living. And you’d have to swear you wouldn’t tell my son, Edward. Did I tell you he’s president of Macon First?”

“Believe you did.”

“Well, what do you say?”

“I’ll think about it.” After all, what if she decided to tell someone about seeing me leave? I didn’t really think she would, but then again, I didn’t know her very well. Maybe learning how to play bridge wouldn’t be so bad.

Did my luck change with the new bingo cards? Certainly not. Lollipop won the next game with one of
my
cards. When he ended up with face cream for his prize, I told him men didn’t use such. He promptly gave it to Alice.

Everyone laughed, but I didn’t see anything funny. Besides, my stomach was acting up again. I felt like I’d swallowed a live crayfish, and it was holding on for dear life. When we were told to take a fifteen-minute break, I’d had enough and went to my room. Within minutes, someone tapped on my door.

Betty Jo rushed over to my bed. “Mother, are you all right? You never lie down in the daytime unless you’re sick. And what’s this business about Pearl? What are you up to?”

“You know me. I’m probably up to no good.” I laughed, but she didn’t join me. “No, a twitch in my stomach is all. Too much excitement. Can they manage without you for a spell? Pull that chair over here and sit down. We need to talk.”

After studying her watch, she carried a needlepoint footstool over to my bedside and smoothed her denim skirt as she sat. I admired her choice of clothes and told her so. She looked like she was ready for a hoedown with her red flats, white shirt, and red kerchief tied at her neck.

“You ought to ask Henry to take you out to Ray’s Road House tonight. Little dancing do you both good.”

“That’s a rough place these days, Mother. Myrtle at the Kut ‘N Loose tells me the sheriff is always called out there for disorderly conduct.”