Conquered: She Who Dares Book Two (17 page)

The problem is, I have no defence against Theo. He’s inside my walls no matter how much I wish it otherwise. He’s the only one who has the ability to hurt me, because he’s the only person who I’ve allowed myself to trust in that way. When you love someone you place your heart in their hands without ever even realising you’ve given it to them until it’s too late. Even now, when it’s over and I want my heart back, he still has it.

All this is because he can’t deal with me moving on. If he can’t have me then no-one can. That in the alleyway, that was him making a claim, and I fucking let him. God, I need to stop drinking. The arsehole always seems to turn up when I’m drunk and take advantage, whether it’s getting me to spill my heart to him or spread my legs.

He has no right to do this to me. This shit is his doing. I dared to think that maybe, just maybe I could actually have it all. I dared to trust him, to believe in him, only to have it ripped away in the cruellest way. It would have been easier if he had cheated, or majorly wronged me in some way, then I could just hate him. I wanted a clean break, he wouldn’t give it to me. Well after that little show last week, that is it. I am so done.

I’m determined now more than ever to go back to the way things were before him. I’m determined to be over him, even if I have to force myself into it. Of course at this point Cruise would be the perfect candidate to kick start the process, but I cannot get hold of him. I’ve called, texted and emailed him with no response. I’m starting to worry about him. As much as I want to fuck him, we’ve kind of become friends. He gets me. He doesn’t ask questions. He just is. It’s refreshing. What if he knows I fucked Theo in an alleyway? Maybe he thinks I’m a slut. Even so, he would pick up the phone, surely. I vaguely remember him saying he was playing at The Underground tonight, so I’m going.

Molly said she’d come with me. That place is rough as hell. I consider myself to be pretty ballsy, but I wouldn’t go in there alone. The Underground isn’t even an official place, everyone just calls it The Underground. It’s actually just a huge basement underneath an Irish bar that operates as a club. It’s secretive. You have to know the right people to get in. That means that it’s a hive of illegal activity. It also means that there’s a whole new level of debauchery there on a nightly basis. The place has a certain energy about it. I’ve been there a couple of times with Harry, so I have an in.

Molly comes in the front door. “Hey.” She calls.

She comes to stand in front of me where I’m sat on the sofa. She puts her hands on her hips. “Lilly. I know you’re in a shit place but are you sure about to night, I mean it’s the underground. Someone was stabbed there last week.”

“Lighten up Mole, don’t you want to live on the edge a little?” I smirk.

“Uh, not really.”

“You shouldn’t have befriended me then.” I smile.

“I was five. I don’t think I was really thinking about lifestyle choices back then.” She huffs.

Ignoring her I grab her hand and lead her to her room. “Go shower, and then come back and we’ll find you something to wear.

An hour later and I’m wearing a dress that’s short and low cut. I slip on some Jimmy Choo stilettos with straps that wind all the way up my calves. I leave my hair loose and wavy, and put on some harlot red lipstick. Done. Watch them come running.

I step into the hallway just as George is coming through the door with a guy I don’t know. His jaw drops when he see’s me.

“Holy fucking shit.” He whispers.

“Who’s your friend babe?” His friend is hot. Like really hot. I’m not getting gay vibes from him, but he is here with George so…still, never hurts to ask. I eye him from top to toe. He raises an eyebrow at me and smiles. Dark hair, dark eyes, tanned and ripped. Yep, I would.

“This is Dan and he’s gay.” George says dead pan.

“Shame.” I purr at him.

“But from the way you’re looking at him, and that dress…seriously Lill’s, is it painted on?” He pinches a bit of fabric. “You’re on the prowl.”

I shrug. “Maybe.” I move to the kitchen and pour a shot of vodka into a glass.

Molly then strolls into the room, wearing a similarly short dress, but with a high halter neck to it. I bring my glass of vodka into the hall where she’s shaking hands with Dan. “You look hot babe.”

“Thanks.” She says unenthusiastically. “Might as well throw some glitter on the lamb before you lead it to the slaughter.” She snipes. I snort. She is so over dramatic.

“Where are you guys going?” Dan asks politely whilst eyeing Molly’s impossibly long legs.

“Are you sure he’s gay?” I hiss in George’s ear.

He shrugs. “Don’t care as long as he does what I need him to do.” He cocks an eyebrow at me. “He does.” Fair enough.

“Underground, there’s a gig there tonight.” Molly replies.

“Ah shit.” George mumbles.

“I’ve never heard of it. Where is it?” Dan asks.

“Um, it’s kind of exclusive.” George says quickly.

“Do you guys want to come?” I ask. George glares at me from over Dan’s shoulder.

“We’re gay Lill’s. We will get stabbed.” He says flatly.

“I’m going to get stabbed.” Molly says.

“You do scream stab victim.” George mocks.

“If I do get stabbed you’re going to regret saying that.” She says as I pull her toward the door before she changes her mind.

“Have fun, and Lilly…” I glance over my shoulder at him. “No really bad boys okay.”

I smirk. “You’re no fun at all George.” The badder the better right now. I need the opposite of Theo’s suited and clean cut godly looks. I want rugged, pure man, dirty ink and all.

I throw her my car keys at Molly as we make our way to the underground garage around the corner where George and I keep our cars.

“You drive, we’ll get a taxi back.” I say.

She shrugs. “Okay.”

Molly manoeuvres the Mas out of the car park and onto the street.

“So, how are you anyway Lill’s?” Molly asks casually. I haven’t really spoken to her about the Theo thing. I guess I feel she’s too close to it all. She still speaks to him. Molly was the first to point out that it was me who hadn’t wanted him, and I couldn’t blame him for sleeping with someone else. I knew this, I know this, but I don’t need to hear it, because it doesn’t make the situation any better. It is what it is and there’s no changing that. What with Molly seeing so much of Hugo, I guess I’ve tried to avoid this conversation, for fear of hearing about Theo. I know I’m a terrible friend, but Molly will point out the rational facts of the situation. I’m not rational, I’m hurt. George on the other hand offered to post a dog shit through his letter box, now that is what you need after a shitty break-up.

Of course my efforts not to hear or think about him have been royally fucked up by him being a general twat.

“I’m okay.” I answer briefly.

“You know, I’m sorry for trying to push you into forgiving him. What he did the other night was unforgiveable. He has no right to speak to you like that.”

“I still love him.” I blurt. This is where Molly
is
good, she understands this weakness I have for him. She doesn’t judge my pathetic fucking craving for him.

“He loves you.” She says quietly.

“And it changes nothing. It’s tragic really.” I huff a laugh.

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here, but if that girl had the baby and it was his, would it be so bad if you were with him?”

Yes it would. I sigh. I might as well just tell her and break up this little fantasy she has going on. “Molly I can’t have kids.” I say quickly. “I don’t necessarily want them, but Cassie is giving him a shot at something I never will.” She pulls over to the side of the road in a screech of tyres. “Fucking hell Molly, careful!”

She turns to face me. “Oh my god, why did you never tell me this?!” She gasps.

“It never came up in conversation I guess.” I shrug. I really don’t want to get into this conversation.

“I’m sorry, that just…took me by surprise.”

“It’s okay, but you understand why me staying with Theo while he has a baby with another woman would be difficult. Shit, I mean I barely know him Mole. Three months and now this.” I sigh and lean my head back against the head rest. “But he’s all I think of. There’s this constant pain in my chest, and every time I see him it gets harder to remember why we can’t just be together.”

“I know babe.” She rubs my arm.

“The thought of him having a baby with her makes me feel sick. It’s nobody’s fault. It just is what it is. I don’t want to be in his life and resent that child because that’s not fair on anyone, but I can’t promise that I won’t.”

“I get that, I do, but you’re one of the best people I know Lill’s. That baby would be lucky to have you, especially after what you told me about the mother.” She smiles at me before pulling the car back out onto the road. “Theo’s an idiot for losing you.”

“Like I said, it is what it is. How are things with Hugo anyway?” I say quickly trying to change the subject.

She shrugs one shoulder. “He’s a bit of fun.” She looks sad as she says it. Oh no, she had best not be interested in that walking government health warning. Fuck me.

“Good, you should keep it that way. Men like him aren’t worthy of you Molly.” I say passionately.

She offers me a small smile. “Thanks. I’ve missed you Lill’s.”

“I’m right here.” I say.

She nods. “You are, but you haven’t been you. I was worried he’d finally broken you. I would have killed him. You know that right?”

“I know.” I smile. “It takes more than that to break me.”

She stays focused on the road ahead. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“How did you get Theo to change his playboy ways?” Oh god.

“Um, did you not get the memo where he got a girl pregnant?” I laugh lightly.

She rolls her eyes. “You know what I mean. He changed for you, after the inseminating, prior to the pregnant lady.”

“Ew.” I scrunch up my nose. “I didn’t do anything. I guess he just finally met his match. He’d never been turned down. Men are simple creatures Mole, they’re like children, they always want what they don’t have.”

“Until they have it.” She frowns. Somehow I don’t think she’s talking about Theo and I any more.

“Until you move on to the next. Love them and leave them. Trust me, boys like Hugo and Theo are the ultimate love and leave. Learn from my mistake.” One look at her and I can already tell she won’t, because I knew exactly what kind of guy Theo was, and I still fell in love with him. Sometimes we just can’t help ourselves.

We pull up outside Shamrock’s, the front for the Underground. My heart hammers in my chest in anticipation. I need to dance, I need to drink and I need to fuck. People stood outside the bar stare at the Maserati which looks very out of place on the dirty Hackney street. The bar is grungy, with dirty windows. A neon sign blinks in the window, and burly men cover the pavement outside, all smoking. I open the door and swing both legs out the door. A lady must perfect such movements when wearing a dress that could pass for a top.

Molly and I get out of the car and there’s a high pitched beep as she locks it. I don’t want to leave the Mas out here, but on the other hand…fuck it. Every eye is on us as we walk to the door. I walk up to a huge guy who’s standing there, eyes wide, cigarette hanging loosely from his fingers.

“Do me a favour.” I put as much sex into my voice as possible. He’s almost drooling. “Make sure no-one hurts my baby.” He nods without saying a word. “Thanks. You’re a gem.” I wink at him as I sashay past them and through the door.

Molly laughs as she comes up beside me. “Poor guy.”

Despite our seriously under dressed state, no-one in the bar pays us much attention. The bartender catches my eye and inclines his head slightly. I step around to the side of the dark wood bar as he slips out from behind it and leads us through a door.

The door opens into a corridor, and at the end of the corridor is an old fashioned industrial lift with a metal gate across it. He slides the gate back and we step in. He walks away before we’ve even started to descend.

“Lilly…I know you’re not exactly in self-preservation mode right now, but seriously, are we walking into some sort of dodgy drug den?”

The lift hits the bottom of its descent and the metal gate is pulled open by a burley guy with sunglasses on. He must not be able to see a thing. He doesn’t speak as we step out and approach a set of double doors. The rumble of heavy bass reverberates through the concrete floor. I turn to Molly and smile. “You’ll see.”

I pull open the doors and my senses are instantly over whelmed. The music hits me like a wall. It’s hot in here as warm bodies pack together. The underground is essentially like a stripped out warehouse. The walls are stripped back brick, the floor exposed concrete. There are steel pillars dotted through the room, holding the structure up. The bar is lit up by industrial strip lights set underneath it.

“Wow, this is cool.” Molly shouts over the music.

I pull her to the bar and order some shots. There’s a big sign over the bar that says ‘shots only’. My kind of place. The place is packed and it takes a while to get to the bar. I order random shots and we end up shooting some bright red liquid that tastes like petrol. Molly scrunches up her nose as she shudders. I snort a laugh. I spot a small stage to the right and a door just behind it with a thick set guy stood in front of it. That must be back stage. I take Molly’s hand and sashay over to the wall of a bouncer. I put just a little more sway in my hips, a little flick of my hair. He watches me as I approach.

“Hi.” I say with a smile. “I’m a friend of Cruise’s. I couldn’t get hold of him to say we were coming, do you think I could go see him?”

“He didn’t say to me, so you’re not going back there.” He replies gruffly.

“We are good friends.” Molly adds.

He laughs. “Darling, do you know how many girls say that?”

“Darling…Do we look like whore groupies?” I put as much sex as possible into my voice. “If I wanted to fuck the band, I’d do it. I wouldn’t need to sneak in the back to do so.”

“Please.” Molly says quickly.