Conquer the Flames (Langs Down) (9 page)

Ian shrugged, willing down the memory of searing pain. “It’s just never seemed worth it.”

“So you’re just going to spend your life alone?”

“I’m hardly alone. The station is full of people,” Ian protested.

“Most of whom will either be gone in a few months or are happily married—or shacked up, anyway—with the man or woman of their dreams,” Neil reminded him. “It’s not the same.”

No, it wasn’t the same at all, but Ian had accepted a long time ago that he wasn’t relationship material.

Realizing Neil was waiting for an answer, Ian shrugged again. “What do you want me to say? We picked this life, knowing it was isolated. You met Molly, Kyle met Linda and convinced her and Laura to move here, and I couldn’t be happier for either of you. You and Molly are made for each other. A blind man could see it. I haven’t met my Molly, and I don’t know that I ever will.”

“How will you meet your Molly if you don’t go looking for her, or him, as the case may be?” Neil pressed.

He wouldn’t. That was the whole point, but he couldn’t exactly tell Neil that. Neil might accept it, but he’d want to understand it, and that would require explanations Ian had avoided giving anyone but Mr. Lang for seventeen years. He’d hidden it from his foster mother, his teachers and classmates, the social worker who checked on him once a month. He’d hidden it from the men at the first two stations he’d worked on before finding Lang Downs. It had taken Michael all of an hour to get the whole story out of him, but Ian had never spoken of it since, and if he had his way, he never would. Some things were best left unsaid and unremembered.

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don’t want to meet anyone?” Ian snapped. “Maybe I like my peace and quiet and don’t want someone putting demands on my time. Maybe I want to eat in the canteen and not have to remember birthdays or anniversaries or any of the other shit that goes along with a relationship. Just leave it alone, Neil.”

Neil looked taken aback by the vehemence of Ian’s response. He opened his mouth to say something else but shut it when Ian glared at him.

“I’m sorry I brought it up,” Neil said after a moment. “I won’t mention it again.”

Ian sighed in frustration and ran his hand over his short red hair. He hadn’t meant to snap at Neil, but Neil just couldn’t leave well enough alone. His tenacity was a boon when it came to working on the station, but once Neil latched onto an idea, he didn’t know when to quit.

“No, I’m sorry I snapped,” Ian said. “It’s a sore spot, with everyone meeting someone. It was one thing when it was Chris and Jesse, both of whom were outsiders when they came, and I love Molly like a sister, but then Kyle met Linda, and even Kami met Sarah, and suddenly I’m the third wheel all the time. Nobody means to make me feel that way, but it doesn’t change the fact that everyone else has someone and I don’t.”

“So do something to change that,” Neil said. “I was joking about Thorne, but if you like him, maybe I could sound him out for you. He didn’t seem bothered by Caine and Macklin, and when you gave me shit about Sam and Jeremy yesterday, he called me on what he thought was a homophobic comment. You could get lucky.”

“Maybe I could,” Ian said, “but he’s not here to stay. He’s not even here for the summer. He’s here for a few days to fight the fires and then it’s on to the next fire or the next adventure.”

“You said yourself something didn’t add up,” Neil reminded him. “The same way it didn’t add up for us when we got here until Michael made it add up. Maybe he’s already one of us and doesn’t even know it yet.”

“Another of Old Man Lang’s Lost Boys?” Ian said with a muted smile. “That’s what they called us, you know. If Michael were still alive, maybe he could work that magic one more time, but he’s not here and I’m not him.”

“No, and Caine isn’t either, but he’s done a bloody fine job of filling his uncle’s shoes,” Neil said. “He took in Chris and Seth. He hired Sam and made Jeremy a crew boss. He went looking for Sarah when Macklin didn’t even dare try.”

“Chris and Seth were fifteen years younger than him, Sam and Jeremy asked for help, and Sarah would have given anything to see her son again,” Ian said. “Thorne isn’t like that.”

“So have Kami talk to him,” Neil said.

Ian nearly choked on his laughter. “Kami? He’s about as nurturing as your average rock.”

“He’s got better since he married Sarah,” Neil said.

“Okay, then he’s about as nurturing as your average soft rock,” Ian replied.

“If the problem is that Caine’s too young or too kind, then you either have to get someone older and less kind to talk to him, or you have to do it,” Neil said.

“You’re still assuming I want him to stay.”

Neil shot him an incredulous look before turning his attention back to the field they were crossing. “I’m not stupid, Duncan. If you didn’t want him to stay, you never would have brought up Michael. So quit lying to me, and to yourself if that’s what you’re doing, and figure out how the bloody hell you’re going to get what you want, because I don’t want to live with you moping if you don’t.”

Ian spluttered out another denial, but Neil clearly wasn’t interested in hearing it, so Ian subsided into the seat and grabbed the thermos to hide behind drinking his coffee.

He had enjoyed having Thorne on his veranda last night. The conversation hadn’t been the most natural one he’d ever had, but they both had secrets, sore spots they weren’t ready to share. Seeing Thorne on his couch that morning had been an almost perfect start to his day. The man was insanely good-looking. Ian could admit that even if he couldn’t admit anything else. He’d always had a thing for beards, probably because he couldn’t grow a decent one to save his life, and Thorne’s was thick and dark for all that it was relatively short. His hair, on the other hand, was on the long side, almost brushing his shoulders when it wasn’t pulled back in a short queue. And his eyes…. Ian thought he could get lost in them, they were so deep and blue. He’d caught himself staring more than once last night, although he didn’t think Thorne had noticed. Add all of that to a solidly muscular body that probably didn’t have even a hint of fat on it, and Ian could easily fall in lust.

If only he had any hope of following through on the desire looking at Thorne churned up in him. He knew better, though. He’d tried, in those disastrous months after he finally could leave his last foster placement. He’d been able to look, to find guys he found attractive. He’d even been able to kiss a few of them, mostly the younger ones, close to his age. He hadn’t worked up the nerve to approach any of the slightly older ones, the ones who really got his heart pumping. As soon as it went beyond kissing, though, he’d freaked out. Some of the guys had been understanding, but most of them had been less patient. “Tease” was the nicest of the insults they heaped on his head when he got them worked up and then couldn’t follow through.

Somehow he didn’t think Thorne would even be that kind. He didn’t seem like the kind of man one led on, however unintentionally. At sixteen, Ian hadn’t been able to do anything about it, but he wasn’t a kid anymore. He wouldn’t live in fear in his own home, and that meant not doing anything to make Thorne or anyone else think he was available. He wasn’t. End of discussion.

That hadn’t stopped him from dreaming last night, though. It hadn’t stopped him from wishing he could know the joy of another’s company. His dreams hadn’t turned into nightmares for once, and he’d sought Thorne’s touch in his mind as he slept, reveling in the intimate contact instead of fleeing from it. He’d awoken earlier than normal with an unusually insistent morning erection. He’d taken care of that silently, but it hadn’t brought any real pleasure. It only served to remind him of everything he’d never have.

And then there had been that moment after breakfast before Thorne left for Taylor Peak. Thorne had been so earnest, giving him advice and insisting he be careful if he made it to the fire line without Thorne as backup. Ian wasn’t worried about that. He had Neil, Kyle, and the others to watch out for him, as he would watch out for them, and that didn’t even count the other Firies of Thorne’s company who were already there. He wouldn’t be fighting the fire alone. No, it was the look on Thorne’s face, the intent way he’d studied Ian’s features as if committing them to memory. Thorne had pulled away before it could become anything more than a fraught look, but Ian could almost believe Thorne had considered kissing him.

It was probably just as well he hadn’t tried it. Ian didn’t know how he would have reacted, and if he ever did get a chance to kiss Thorne, he didn’t want it ruined because he couldn’t handle it.

Bloody hell, Neil was right.

“I don’t even know where to start.”

Neil crowed in triumph, giving Ian no choice but to sock him in the shoulder.

“Ow! What the fuck, Ian?”

“You don’t have to sound so pleased with yourself,” Ian said grumpily. “Maybe I’ll ask Jeremy for help. He’s been single most recently.”

“I can help,” Neil protested.

“Really?” Ian said. “When was the last time you set out to seduce a guy?”

Neil’s mouth opened and closed again, reminding Ian of a fish, but after a moment, he shook his head. “If all you wanted was to seduce him, you’d have done it last night. Instead you sat and talked to him and let him sleep on your couch. Come to think of it, that’s probably exactly what you need to keep doing. Well, other than maybe the couch part. He could sleep with you instead.”

Ian ignored the last part of Neil’s comment. He wasn’t ready for Thorne to come anywhere near his bed, even if all they did was sleep. “Just talk to him?”

“How else are you going to figure out if he’s really the one you want?” Neil countered. “I mean, what’s dating but doing things together so you can get to know each other and see if you like the same things and want the same things out of life, and if you want to try to get those things together? It’s hard to ‘date’ in the sense of going out places when you’re on the station, but the rest of it still applies.”

“I never dated,” Ian admitted. “Not even before I got here. I wouldn’t know where to start.”

“Never?” Neil said. “Wow, that’s….”

“Pathetic,” Ian said. “I know, but my life wasn’t good before I got here. You knew that already even if you didn’t know the details. I’m probably going to fuck this up completely.”

“Focus on getting to know him,” Neil said. “If you like what you learn, you can figure the rest out as you go.”

“Thanks, mate,” Ian said. “I really appreciate it.”

“Just, you know, don’t give me details, okay?” Neil said. “I don’t need to know about your sex life.”

Choking, gasping, retching up bile and bitter fluid.

“No details,” Ian promised. Neil didn’t need to know there wouldn’t be any details to share.

“Get the gate?” Neil asked as they reached the edge of Lang Downs. Grateful for the respite, Ian jumped down and opened the gate for the ute to drive through. He shut it behind them and hopped back in, content to sit in silence as they headed toward the clouds of smoke, much closer now than they’d been an hour ago.

“That doesn’t look good,” Neil said as they drove. “There wasn’t that much smoke last night.”

“Nor this morning,” Ian said. “Thorne didn’t sound pessimistic when we talked about it this morning, but things must have changed since we got up.”

“I don’t know what caused it to get worse, but I know what’s going to cause it to go out,” Neil said direly. “That bitch of a fire isn’t getting anywhere near my family.”

“Just don’t get hurt. Molly wouldn’t forgive either one of us if you did,” Ian said.

Neil scowled at him but didn’t argue as they drew nearer the fire line. Ian could see tracks left by heavy equipment. Neil steered the ute along the trails they had left behind, and in a matter of minutes, they had reached the RFS brigade.

“Did Thorne mention the captain’s name?” Neil asked as he parked the ute.

“Not to me,” Ian said, “but Caine and Macklin are already here. I’m sure the captain knows we’re coming.”

They climbed out of the ute and joined Caine, Macklin, and the other Lang Downs jackaroos to see what their orders were.

“The heart of the fire is on the other side of this ridge,” the captain was saying as they walked up. “The ridge itself is rocky, so hopefully that’ll stop that portion, but there’s the risk of it splitting into two fires and closing us in. I’ve got my men spread out, watching for it, but it’s a waiting game. Unfortunately, there was a huge deadfall at the base of the ridge. All those fallen branches and trees in one place has made the fire hotter and stronger now than it’s been in weeks, which makes the risk of it working around the ridge greater.”

“Tell us where you want us,” Macklin said. “Most of my crew bosses have experience with grassfires, and the rest of the jackaroos are levelheaded enough to do as they’re told.”

“We’ve got the foam utes out trying to spray the areas where the fire is most likely to spread,” the captain said, “but that’s guesswork until we see how it develops from here. I’ll assign a crew of your men to each group of my Firies. That way we have men in place no matter what happens.”

“Neil, get the crews divided, at least one experienced man per crew. Make it very clear they take orders from the RFS and aren’t to do anything without orders. We’re here to help, not to get in the way.”

“Yes, boss,” Neil said. “Ian, get your crew.”

Seven