She said nothing as she nodded while squinting to hold back her tears. Was she brave or just stubborn? At that moment, she just seemed devastated.
“Jessie,” I said, pulling her into my arms. I was a guy. I didn’t cry much, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have emotions. I was crushed, and my voice cracked. “Maybe we do, but don’t take too long… because I want you back.”
She didn’t respond, and I didn’t know what else to say, and if I talked more, I might end up with tears as well, so I kissed away the tears now running down her cheeks. She whispered, “I want to come back. I hope I
can
come back.”
That wasn’t what I’d hoped she’d say. That didn’t sound like a breather. She meant we might be taking a break for good.
~~~
Because Congress moves at a glacial pace, of course the vote was delayed a month. But Jessie didn’t call—no emails, no texts, no nothing.
As the days and then weeks went by, my hand often itched to pick up my phone and call her. I wanted to tell her funny things that had happened to me and frustrating events that only she could empathize with, but most of all, I wanted to hear her voice and see how she was doing. I missed her.
Nights alone in my bed were tough, yet the days proved more difficult. Occasionally, I’d see her from afar, and my instinct was to walk over to her. Instead, I had to hold back and watch her go on with her life without me. On the rare occasions when we looked each other in the eye, she only gave me a furtive smile before running off like I was someone to be avoided. She seemed afraid of me. She’d been crying when we broke things off, but now I wasn’t certain that she cared at all.
Someone else cared though. Cathy Mathers was all over me. I swore women had a sixth sense for an available man. At first, she was just like this gnat who was in my face whenever I was busy and in a hurry. I always shooed her away, but she was persistent, and eventually, we got to talking. She was so crazy in her beliefs that she made me laugh, but truth be told, she was pretty. While she wasn’t my ideal conversation partner, it wasn’t such a chore to talk to her.
One night, she caught me as I was walking back to my place. It was a steamy D.C. evening, and I walked slowly trying not to sweat any more than I already was. Normally, I wore my suits and ties a couple of times before I sent them to the cleaners, but that suit and tie were shot in one day. I gripped the two in my hand as I walked down First Street.
Just as she always did, Cathy popped out of nowhere and was at my side. “You’re walking mighty slow tonight. No date with your lady?”
Though I was sure Cathy knew the answer, it wasn’t public knowledge that Jessie and I had taken a break. Regardless of what happened between Jessie and me, there was no way I’d let Cathy be the one to tell the world. I looked aside. “Not tonight.”
“I don’t see you with her anymore.” She gave me a simpering smile. “Is there trouble in your bipartisanship?”
Shit.
She was going to make it difficult. I waited a moment and was curt. “We’re both busy right now. You know what it’s like.”
I shifted my eyes to see her reaction, and she smiled and said, “Sure. I know what it’s like.”
We both knew she wasn’t talking about being busy, but I ignored it. I pretended I was driving during an uncomfortable conversation and turned my attention to the road ahead. “What are you busy with?”
“Oh, you know the rat race around here. I’ve got a new gun rights bill I’m working. Have you heard of it?”
By the standards of the National Gun Association, I wasn’t always a reliable vote on gun rights. I believed in the right to firearms, but not without limitations. It was such an ideological debate, and I stayed out of it until I had to cast a vote on something. “No, I haven’t,” I said with a small laugh. “But you know I don’t follow those issues. Tell me about it.”
“I want to make sure our schools are safe. The legislation would only grant federal funding to public schools if all teachers were trained and armed.”
That made my head spin from the sidewalk I’d been staring at. I was incredulous. “You want every teacher in America to carry a gun?”
“Well, only public school teachers at first, and the teachers would be armed, but not carry the weapon. They’d just have it in their classroom, in a safe place of course.” She smiled as if she was encouraged. “I’m sure the private schools will follow suit once they see how well it works in protecting our kids.”
And this was just one example where Jessie was right. Cathy Mathers was crazy, though it wasn’t really something I could say to a member of my own party. I gave her a circumspect look. “Do you really think creating teacher militias will stop gun violence in schools?”
She blinked rapidly, appearing to be happy I was engaging with her. “Well, they’re not militias per se, but yes, I do think a shooter would think twice about ever entering a school.”
“And what if teachers don’t want to be law enforcement officers?”
“Then they shouldn’t be teachers.”
I tried one more argument, though I knew she’d disagree. “Don’t you think it’s more likely that the guns would end up in the hands of the kids, including disturbed kids who want to kill other kids?”
“No. Not at all, and I think most Americans would support it.”
She was so chipper and adamant as she spoke that I had to smile. She really didn’t have a clue about the rest of America beyond Idaho. I shook my head. “Yeah, I don’t think that would fly in my district.”
“But you would support it, wouldn’t you?”
“No.” I laughed. “Never.”
She became persnickety. “I see that all this time with a liberal has changed you.”
“Hardly. If that bill had come up in the Illinois State Legislature I would’ve voted against it.”
“Oh, pooh,” she said, swatting my shoulder. She then let her hand rest a moment on my arm before she stroked it up and down. “I had no idea you were so muscular.”
At first, I was shocked she’d crossed such a line and touched me. How the hell was I going to get out of this one? I looked at her, and for the briefest moment, I admired her. She really was a beauty, deserving of that Miss Idaho crown, and the look in her eye was that of a woman ready to roll in the hay or bed or wherever I wanted. I wouldn’t be a man if I didn’t notice these things, but I thought better of it. The woman was crazy, and I was in love with Jessie. At once, I shrugged, and her hand dropped away from my arm and to her side. I nodded down the street. “If you don’t mind, I need to pick up the pace.” My steps quickened as I added, “Have a good night.”
She gave me a knowing smile. “Suit yourself.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Jessie
At first I didn’t call Michael because I thought I should take time to figure out what I wanted. Besides, I was pretty sure he was going to reach out to me. Of course, then the vote was delayed and delayed, and I had all the time in the world to think, though I didn’t come up with any answers. After a while, when he didn’t call me, I was simply too stubborn and prideful to call him first. Then, I started seeing him with her, Cathy Mathers—of all people. It wasn’t like they were touching or anything, but she was around him again—laughing and talking just like before.
Only it wasn’t just like before. I wasn’t crushing on him from afar. We’d been dating, and now we were in the middle of a fight. In the back of my mind, I wondered if he enjoyed all the attention he got from her. Surely not, but what if he did? The thought made me sick to my stomach, and the feeling increased as the days went on without any communication from him. I began to wonder if he’d moved on and decided not to bother to tell me. Was I so easily replaced? Michael was irreplaceable for me. Ultimately, that was what made this so devastating for me.
My problem was that I really didn’t have time for emotional upheaval in my life. It wasn’t like I was a teenager who could sit and brood all day. I had a job and a big one at that, so during the day I stuffed everything about Michael away best as I could. At night, I allowed myself to wallow and cry—a lot. The next morning, I’d wake again to the same reality—no Michael, and no way out of my dilemma.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Michael
One hectic morning, I was late for a meeting and rushing back to my office after a vote. I heard Cathy call from behind, “Michael.”
I turned, and my testiness about her came out loud and clear. “Hey. I’m in a hurry.”
She sashayed up to me. Yes, she was one of the few lookers in Congress, but there was no reason for her to be Marilyn Monroe in the Longworth basement. I just couldn’t take this woman seriously. “What’s up?” I said, hoping to move the conversation along.
“I just wanted to know if you were going to the fundraiser at the Chelbourg’s home tonight. I’m going. Are you?”
“I think it’s on my schedule.” I checked my watch and then looked up to see Jeff walking down the hall. He was obviously searching for me because I was late. “I’ve got to go. See you there.”
“I’m looking forward to it,” she said, a little too coyly.
I couldn’t dwell on her. I doubled my pace as I met up with Jeff who gave me a stern look said under his breath, “Please don’t tell me you’re late because you were talking to Cathy Mathers.”
“No.” I laughed. “I’m late because I got tackled by a reporter asking me about the damned Planned Parenthood amendment.”
“What did you say?” he asked, leading us up the escalator to my building.
“Nothing, of course.”
“Good.” After a moment, he lowered his voice and leaned in so no one could hear. “I’ve seen you talking with Cathy Mathers a lot, though, lately.”
My whole body stiffened. Had we really become that obvious? I felt cold all over, and my tone was just as chilly. “I believe you’ve seen
her
talking with
me
. There’s a difference.”
He nodded and kept mum—so mum that I was curious what he really thought. I looked around, and few people were around us. Still I kept my voice low. “But what do you think of her?”
His eyebrows shot up in surprise, with his eyes then shifting toward me. I’d clearly caught him off-guard. He whispered, “Why are you asking?”
“Just wondering.”
“I think… I think.” He shook his head. “I’m gonna plead the fifth on this one.”
“Oh, come on. Now that really makes me curious. You’ve got to say something.”
He took a deep breath, and then in the most practiced sounding voice said, “She’s very attractive. She’s a Republican. Given your recent divorce, I can understand why you’d be interested in her or at least want to play the field a little before you make any decisions about Jessie.”
“Huh.” I eyed him warily. “Do you mean that? Or are you just saying those things because you don’t want to violate Ronald Reagan’s rule ‘Thou shalt not speak ill of another Republican’?”
He gave me an equally suspicious look. “I don’t want to violate the rule, but also everything I said is true.”
Though we’d reached the top of the escalator, I wasn’t doing the prudent thing and watching as I stepped off. I was distracted by what he might actually think about Jessie. I stared at him. “I thought you liked Jessie.”
His voice finally rose above a whisper and became animated. “I do. A lot. I think she’s great.”
“Then why are you telling me to play the field?” My eyes drifted down to his wedding ring. “You married your high school sweetheart. You didn’t feel the need to play the field.”
“No. I didn’t, nor would I ever.” He chuckled. “I think it’s like sky diving. People say it’s fun. It looks like it might be a blast, but it could be very dangerous. All things considered, I really have no interest in ever trying it. I’m perfectly happy.”
I stopped walking altogether. I was late, but I wanted a straight answer more than I wanted to keep a bunch of lobbyists from waiting any longer. When he saw I’d stopped, Jeff halted with a jerk. He took a step back as I moved in closer to him and asked, “Then why are you telling me to play the field?”
His expression turned to one of exasperated dismay. “I’m not really and certainly not with
her
, but you’re unhappy. If you’re not going to call Jessie, then you should do something to get out of this funk and get on with your life, and that’s the last thing I’m going to say about my boss’s private life.” He pointed down the hall. “Now, let’s get back to work, if you don’t mind.”
Work. That was my refuge, and I smiled and started walking again. “Thanks, Jeff. I appreciate everything you’ve said, and as for getting back to work, I don’t mind at all.”
~~~
The fundraiser for the Republican National Committee that evening might have been small and at a private home, but it still felt like work to me. That was a good thing. I could focus on my job and not my personal life which was even more confusing after my conversation with Jeff that afternoon. I was happy that Cathy kept her distance from me the whole time. She was working the room, probably trying to shake down some contributions to her own campaign.
While I was fully engaged in a conversation with a donor who was a friend of my dad’s, I felt a strong hand on my shoulder. I turned to see Alex Monroe, the House Majority Whip, who was no doubt there to tell me what to do on an upcoming vote because that’s what whips always did. He smiled at the guy I’d been talking to. “Bob, if you don’t mind, I just need to talk to Michael for a minute.”
“Not at all,” said Bob, touching his knitted tie. Only old, rich, and dorky guys owned sock ties, and he was all three. He held up his glass. “I’ll go freshen my drink.”
“Thanks,” said Alex.
“I’ll find you at the bar,” I said to Bob.
As Bob walked away, Alex’s smile disappeared, and he became all business. “I just wanted to let you know we’re going to be moving through a series of spending bills next week.”
“Okay…” I said, my stomach slowly sinking at what was coming next.
“I understand Jessica Clark is going to lead the opposition on the floor to the Planned Parenthood amendment.”
“Yeah?” It was all I could muster, if I said anything else, I’d surely get myself in trouble one way or another.