Complete Works of Emile Zola (28 page)

So far grief had filled his whole being; reason had fled. Now reason was returning, was speaking, and he could judge clearly of matters, his position appeared to him in its true light at last A painful astonishment seized him at the reality. He put himself boldly face to face with his task. He saw himself on one side, mean and wretched, on the other with the delicate mission he had to carry out, and he trembled.

His mission was this: He had the charge of a soul in his hands, he had to fight against the world and conquer it he had to watch over a woman’s heart and secure her happiness. To do that, he would go everywhere his
protégée
went; he would keep near her constantly that he might defend her against others and against herself.

He must therefore rise to her level and even put himself above her level. He would live in the same house as she did, or at least would be admitted as a guest in the house she frequented. He would be a man of the world and thus would he be able to fight the world advantageously for her.

Then he thought of himself and judged himself. He was ugly, timid, awkward, poor. He was now in the streets, without relations and without friends; he did not even know where he should go to eat and sleep that night. The servants were right to treat him as a beggar, for when hunger drove him he might perhaps have to make up his mind and beg for alms. He saw himself tramping along and laughed at the pitiable figure he would cut, so ridiculous did he seem to himself.

And this was he, this vagabond, this child of misery and sorrow, he who was to be the protector of this little girl, clothed in silk, living in luxury and elegance. He told himself he must be dreaming, that he had lost his head, that Madame de Rionne never could have entrusted her child to a poor devil like himself, and that, in any case, he would not attempt this absurd task.

And, thinking these things, he all the time ardently sought means to keep the vow he had made to the dying woman. Then his ideas took a new direction. Devotion and affection spoke louder in him than reason; he lost sight of himself and became once more a visionary. He regretted having left the mansion. Now he had come away, he knew not how to get in again. The noise of those gates had resounded in the depths of his heart, and he felt abashed.

He made a thousand extravagant projects, as children and lovers do. He found out measures to gain his end, but they were measures that could never be realised; fixing on some new idea that surged in his brain, rejecting one impossible plan to immediately form one still more impossible.

But what recurred to his mind again and again was the bitter regret that he had not quietly carried off Jeanne in his arms. In his mind’s eye he saw her once more playing on the gravel path, and persuaded himself that he could easily have stolen her. And, in the fullest simplicity, he constructed a romance out of this abduction. He saw himself flying with the child, pressing her to his bosom, and only stopping to take breath when far from the accursed house whence he had snatched her.

Then his face grew radiant How sweet and easy became his sacrifice! He saw himself living with Jeanne, he working and she entirely dependent on him; he calling her his daughter and she calling him father. In the poverty, in the obscurity of that life he pictured himself bestowing on her every virtue, making her upright and self-respecting. And he seemed to near the passionate thanks of his good saint Suddenly Daniel paused, and a terrible idea occurred to him: his mission was an outrageous one. Was it fit that a youth of his age should watch over a young girl?

Truly, the passers-by would have laughed if they had been able to know what was passing through his simple but kindly mind at that moment. The terrors of his school days were taking hold of him once more. What! must he always be a pariah? There he was at the threshold of life, burdened with an extraordinary task, which would add still more to his gawkiness.

But this was a wicked thought, a quick insight into life as it really was, which could not long prevail with him. Little by little the expression of his face softened; his thoughts grew more composed; he became again the ignorant child he was before. He saw Madame de Rionne smiling, he heard her speaking, and forgetting every one else, forgetting himself, he had nothing left but an ardent desire to be good and do good.

This flood of contradictory ideas which had rushed through his mind, this fierce strife had wearied his brain, and he could not obtain a clear grasp of things. So he rested on the firm conviction that he should act according to the true dictates of his heart, and that his work could not fail to be good, and so he left all else to Providence.

After that he came out of himself; he became interested in outward objects; he looked at the passers-by, and enjoyed the sweet freshness of the evening. Human life once more engaged his thoughts, and he began to ask himself where he was going and what he ought to do.

Chance had led him in front of one of the Luxembourg gates, those which face the rue Bonaparte. He entered the gardens and looked for a seat, for he was overpowered with fatigue.

Under the chestnut trees children were playing, running about and screaming. The nurses in their white dresses stood chatting together; some of them were sitting down, and smiled as they listened to some men who were whispering to them.

All the little world of the public gardens came and went in the cool of the evening, strolling leisurely along and speaking in subdued voices.

A dim, greenish, transparent light flickered through the trees; the canopy of leaves was low down, concealing the sky; here and there the white statues could be seen glistening through the openings of the branches.

Daniel had great difficulty in finding an unoccupied seat. He ended by discovering one in an out-of-the-way corner, and he sat down with a sigh of satisfaction. At the other end of the seat a young man was reading. He raised his head, looked at the new-comer, and they exchanged a smile.

As the darkness increased the young man closed his book, and cast a careless look about him. Daniel, seized with sympathy, forgot his own affairs in order to follow every movement of his neighbour.

He was a fine young fellow, with a good. figure and rather a stern-looking face. His eyes, opened to the full, looked straight ahead; his determined lips had about them an undefinable strength and loyalty, and one could read in his high forehead that he was a noble-hearted youth. He seemed to be about twenty. His white hands, his plain dress, and his serious demeanour indicated a laborious student.

After a few minutes he turned his head and fixed his straightforward and penetrating eyes on Daniel, who looked down, expecting to find on the other’s face the mocking expression with which every one greeted him. He felt the young man’s curiosity burdensome, and expected to see a sneering expression on his lips. Then he grew bolder, and, looking up, saw nothing on his neighbour’s face but a kind, friendly smile of encouragement Full of gratitude, he ventured to draw near and say to this unknown friend that it was a fine evening — that the Luxembourg garden was a delightful place for tired strollers.

Oh, those happy chats which spring out of a stray meeting, and sometimes end in life-long friendship! You meet once, chance brings you face to face, and then you are pouring out your heart in a sudden, unreflecting burst of confidence. You experience the fullest enjoyment in these accidental confessions; you find much sweetness in thus letting yourself go, as it were, in thus allowing a stranger to have a sudden insight into the recesses of your heart.

In a few minutes the two young men knew each other as if they had been together from infancy; they ended by sitting close together on the seat and laughing like brothers. Sympathy arises both from similarity and dissimilarity of disposition. Daniel’s new friend had, no doubt, been attracted towards him by his anxious-looking face, by his awkwardness, his gentle and strange looks. He who was strong and good-looking took pleasure in being kind to a pitiful creature.

And then, after having conversed together, they felt they were brothers for life. Both were orphans; both had chosen to take up the bitter search for truth by the path of science; both could only depend on their own resources. In this they were alike, and the ideas of the one awakened similar notions in the spirit of the other.

Daniel, in the course of conversation, related his story, taking care, however, not to speak of the task for which he was henceforth to live. Besides he had no need to do violence to himself; he had stored away his devotion at the bottom of his heart and he kept it there far from every one’s sight.

He learned that his companion was struggling bravely with poverty. Having arrived in Paris without a sou, this youth of manly heart and powerful intellect determined to become one of the distinguished men of the age. Whilst waiting for an opportunity to distinguish himself, however, he endeavoured to gain a livelihood; he earned a little money by doing menial work; then in the evening he studied, sometimes even right through the night.

Whilst the two young men, with the freedom of youth, made confidants of one another, the darkness under the chestnut trees became deeper. Nothing could be discerned but the white patches made by the caps and aprons of the nursery maids. Faint murmurings, mingled with laughter, floated through the twilight from the recesses of the garden.

Then the drums began to beat and the last stragglers made for the gates. Daniel and his companion rose up and, conversing as they went along, directed their steps towards the little gate which then faced the Royez-Collard street.

Having reached the pavement of the rue d’Enfer, they stopped a moment to continue their confidential talk. In the midst of a sentence the young man interrupted himself and enquired of his companion:

“Where are you going?”

“I do not know,” quietly answered Daniel.

“How? You have no home; you do not know where to sleep?”

“No.”

“At least you have had food?”

“I have not.”

They both burst out. laughing. Daniel seemed to be very pleased.

Then the other said simply:

“Come with me.”

And he conducted him to a little restaurant where he took his meals. The remains of a stew were made hot, and Daniel devoured it ravenously; he had not eaten for two days.

Then his companion led him to the little room he occupied in the passage, Number 7

St. Dominique d’Enfer. The house no longer exists at the present day. It was a huge lodging-house, with wide staircases and high narrow windows, that had formerly been used as a convent; the garrets at the back overlooked large gardens with beautiful trees.

The two young people sat at the open window, looking at the dark shadows of the elms, and finished their mutual confidences. At midnight they were still talking earnestly together.

Daniel lay down to rest on a little couch, the covering of which was in tatters. When the lamp was put out his friend said:

“By-the-bye, my name is George Raymond. What is yours?”

“Mine,” said he, “mine is Daniel Raimboult.”

CHAPTER V

In the morning George presented Daniel to a sort of author-editor for whom he worked, and gained him admission as a fellow-helper in the compiling of an Encyclopaedic Dictionary that some thirty young men were engaged upon. They were there under the title of clerks; they were, in fact, hacks and ghosts. They compiled work for ten hours per day, and received eighty to a hundred francs a month, according to their rate of progress. The chief walked about the offices with the air of a schoolmaster overlooking his pupils; he did not even read the manuscripts, but merely signed his name at the foot of everything. This profession of overseer of galley slaves brought him in about twenty thousand francs a year.

Daniel accepted with joy and gratitude the brute labour offered him. George, who had advanced some little money, all his savings indeed, opened an account for him at the little restaurant, and hired a small room close by his own for him in the house of the “Impasse St. Dominique d’Enfer.”

During the first fortnight Daniel was, as it were, crushed by the new life he was leading, for he was not used to such work. In the evening his head was full of what he had been doing in the day. He no longer had any thoughts of his own.

One Sunday morning, as he had a free day all to himself, he was seized with an ardent longing to see Jeanne again. The night before he had dreamt of the poor dead one, and all his enthusiasm had come back to him.

He went out secretly, without giving George warning, and directed his steps towards the boulevard des Invalides. He proceeded gaily along. His limbs had become stiff during the fortnight he had passed seated on a chair, turning over the pages of old books; he seemed to be taking a holiday like a schoolboy who must return to school on the morrow.

He cared little, he said to himself. He was going to see Jeanne, and, like a child, he enjoyed the fresh air and exercise. Along the route from the impasse St. Dominique d’Enfer to the boulevard des Invalides everything presented a joyous aspect. There was not the least sadness, the slightest anxiety.

When he came to the gate of the mansion of Jeanne’s father a sudden fear seized him. He asked himself what he should do when there, what he should say, and what they would say to him in return. He became faint-hearted.

His difficulty above all was how to explain his visit. But, however, he would not stay for reflection, for he felt his courage oozing away, and he rang the bell boldly, though inwardly he was quaking all the time.

The gate opened, he crossed the garden, and, feeling that he had never been more awkward-looking, he stopped at the first of the house steps. When he had taken his breath, he ventured to raise his eyes.

A violent noise of hammers was heard coming from the house. Workmen were repairing the door of the vestibule, and painters were fastened to the front of the house scraping the walls.

Daniel, astonished, perhaps even rather pleased, went up to a workman and asked him where Monsieur de Rionne was. The workman sent him to the porter, who informed him that Monsieur de Rionne had just sold the mansion, and that he now lived in the rue de Provence.