Collide Into You: A Romantic Gender Swap Love Story (23 page)

“I was jealous of you, Dillan. I worried that one day, you’d take a look at Jon, realize you wanted him for yourself, and that he’d run back to you. It wasn’t until he finally moved in with me that I knew you would never love him in that way. To be honest, it was a huge relief to me, Dillan. But to be even more honest, if you’re such a blockhead that you can’t see what’s in front of you, that you’re willing to waste your time chasing skirts the rest of your life, then I knew you didn’t deserve Jon.”

“Tanner,” I say, sitting up. I feel like vomiting. Any minute now, I’m going to throw up a hot dog or two. I don’t know if he’s chastising me or what. I just don’t know where he’s going with this conversation. “Why are you telling me this? I love Jon, as a brother. I love you, as a brother. I never led him on. Ever. I promise.” While I wasn’t sure if this was true or not, I’m confident that Dillan would never string my brother along just to keep him single.

“This isn’t about Jon,” he clarifies. “Not really.”

“I’m lost, Tanner.” I have no clue. I’m a girl in a guy’s body, trying to figure this out. I can tell, however, that Dillan and Tanner have never had a heart-to-heart before. This feels raw…intense…blistering. It almost feels like an intervention.
But for what?

“In the three years I’ve known you, I’ve waited for you to tell Keira how you feel. But you’ve never acted. You always chicken out and, instead, chase some other girl who will never make you happy. That’s why I set her up with Alec Huffman: to open your eyes. Stop thinking with your dick, Dillan, and start thinking with your brain. Again, I don’t know what’s different about tonight. You seem off. I feel off. Maybe I’m missing Jon too much. I don’t think you have much time to fix things.”

I sit stock-still. It’s interesting that this information will never get to Dillan unless I choose to tell him. Sure, Tanner’s opened up to me, and I love that he has, but it won’t do any of us any good, and I don’t see him repeating this when he’s finally in the company of the real Dillan.
 

“What am I supposed to fix?” I ask. If Dillan is truly in love with me—maybe
love
is too strong of a word—why hasn’t he said anything about it? My true self answers back:
It’s because you’ve closed yourself off, Keira. You never let anyone close enough to get to know you. You’d rather be alone than have a broken heart. You’d rather be in control, and being in love means losing control.

“If I have to answer that, Dillan, then you’re far worse than I suspected. Fight for her. But more than that…fight for yourself. Don’t be afraid of the disorder that love causes. It crashes around you. It blinds you. It heals you. But, more than anything else, Dillan, when you find the right one, it no longer feels like chaos. It’s like a series of falling dominos that pierces your heart. It elevates you into another plane of existence. All at once, you realize you’ve never breathed real life until you truly experience love. Breathe, Dillan. Just…breathe.”

Tanner may think he’s talking to Dillan, but I tell myself that I’m the one who was supposed to hear this.
Don’t be afraid of the disorder that love causes.
 

How?

Dillan

W
HEN
I
SLIP
INSIDE
THE
apartment, Tanner shoots up quickly and acts guilty. Why would Tanner need to feel guilty about something?

“Hey guys,” I say. Keira’s voice sounds way too happy right now, but I can’t control it. The real Keira shoots me a dark look.

“How was the date?” both Keira and Tanner ask at the same time. Tanner seems to be back to himself, whereas Keira, with my brooding face seems to, well,
brood
.

“It was fun. It was tough hitting those fastballs. Don’t know how you do it, Tanner,” I say. “I think my arms are still vibrating.”

Tanner laughs. “I won’t be hitting anything for a while, actually.”

“What do you mean?”

“The wrist. Coach wants me to lay off of it for a week. I have an MRI scheduled on Monday.”

“So you’re missing the Nationals-Diamondbacks series in Arizona this week?” I ask.

“Yeah. Just a precaution,” he says, but I can tell he’s extremely disappointed. He fought for so long to make it to the majors.
If the injury is serious…
I dislodge the thought. Doesn’t do any good to think about the negative side of the equation. “Anyway, Alec texted me before you came in, Keira. He’s my ride home.” Tanner folds me into a hug, as if by hugging Jon’s sister, he is, by extension, hugging Jon. He slaps my body on the back. I see Keira wince. “I’ll let you know how the MRI goes.”

“Thanks, Tanner. Hopefully it isn’t anything serious,” Keira says, slapping Tanner on the back as well.

How much of my beer did they drink? And why do they seem to be acting so distant toward each other right now?

After Tanner leaves, I say, “That was weird. What did you two talk about? Did Tanner figure out something was up?”

She gives me a sheepish grin. “Sort of. He talked about Jon and their relationship. Stuff like that. He misses Jon. Tanner said something to the effect that he felt like he could confide in me—in you—tonight. I took that to mean that you two normally do not have searing, confidential conversations.”

Oh shit,
I think. Tanner knows my true feelings for Keira. Well… I suspect
he
suspects my true feelings for her. But would he actually talk about it? That’s the question.

She looks at me as if she’s debating what to tell me. It must be bad.

“I might as well tell you…” she says nonchalantly, but I can tell that whatever it is, it is important. She doesn’t want me to know that it is important to her. “Tanner says he knows that Jon was in love with you. For years. I—” She pauses. “I had no idea Jon ever felt that way about you, Dillan.” She says it in a way to suggest that Jon liking me
in that way
was ludicrous. “I take that back. When Jon invited you to my graduation party, I thought you were his boyfriend. Jon was very clear that you were his best friend and that you like women a whole hell of a lot more than any other man he knew.”

“Keira—”

“And that one sentence, the way he described your womanizing ways, has colored my opinion of you ever since.”

“Keira—”

“That was wrong of me. I shouldn’t have put so much stock into what Jon said. But he must have been bitter that you didn’t return his feelings. Naturally he wouldn’t want you to transfer those feelings onto me. Not because he would have been jealous. Jon only wanted to protect me from falling for you when you had no interest in any one girl for more than a couple of weeks. It’s what brothers do to protect their baby sisters.”

“Keira—”
 

“Tanner confided that he was jealous of you. Funny, right? He was worried that Jon would always pine after you. I think a part of him still believes this, and I don’t know why. I suppose distance has a way of casting doubt upon any relationship. I screwed up the football game, and he could tell something was wrong. I’m not very good at being you.”

She stops talking.
 

I had no idea that Tanner was ever jealous of me. Granted, at the beginning of our friendship, I knew that Jon had a thing for me. I didn’t know it was love. I didn’t know he was in love with me. Never, in a million years, would I hurt Jon in such a deliberate way. He is my best friend.

Jon will never forgive me if he knows how I feel about his sister. He will always think of me as a womanizer, as someone unworthy of Keira’s affection.

And he would be right.

“Keira?”

“Yes,” she answers.

“Thanks for telling me,” I say. “You didn’t have to do that.”

She takes a few measured breaths, and I wonder why. Is she upset about this information? I wouldn’t be surprised if she is, but surely she must realize all of this happened long before Jon met Tanner.

Keira stands in front of me. In fact, she’s less than a foot away. I have to look up at her. At my face. She appears to be searching my eyes for something. She turns toward her bedroom, her
real
bedroom.

“I suppose I’ll unpack,” she says quietly. Dishearteningly. “If we’re lucky, we’ll be ourselves in the morning. But…” She trails off and I have no problem guessing her thoughts.

I doubt we’ll be that lucky.

Keira

T
HERE
’
S
VERY
LITTLE
TO
UNPACK
. My uniforms. My running gear. And… that’s about it. I have nothing else to call my own. No books. No DVDs. Not even a picture frame of me and my family. It’s all in storage. Looking at it, I know that unless Dillan and I break this…this…curse or whatever it is, we’ll be doomed to spend our lives as the other person.

And if I’m Dillan, then I won’t be wearing these uniforms ever again. He will. Monday he’ll go into the Pentagon and act as me because there’s no calling in sick. I have a job to do. I have a job to do even if I’m not the one actually doing it.

This is problematic. How can Dillan, a person with zero security clearance, waltz into the Pentagon with my credentials and do my work? It goes against everything I stand for. It goes against my having a security clearance and allowing an uncleared person access to classified information.

My heart nearly stops.

This is bad. This is very bad.

I am going to fail General MacWilliams’ assignment. This investigation. Everything. My entire career is now on the line. It’s on the line because some lady decided it would be, what, funny…or exciting…to alter the rest of my life.

At first, I wasn’t pissed. Well, I was, but not like this. I thought we’d be back to ourselves after lunch, that we’d be laughing about this as I moved out of Dillan’s apartment. I’d say something like, “So long, schmuck,” as I walked out the door. Now, well, now everything feels bleak and dark and unhealthy. Unhealthy because I want to hurt Ellen. I want to hurt Dillan. I want some control back and now, that will never happen.

On top of all this, now I feel like I have to worry about Jon and Tanner, and about their relationship. Something happened. That much is clear. I don’t know what, and while I don’t understand why Tanner decided to confide in me—in Dillan—tonight, I sort of realize that I’m at a precipice in my life. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I need.
 

And I have no way of figuring it out while I reside in my roommate’s clunky, hunky, gorgeous body.

Dillan

T
HERE
’
S
A
KNOCK
ON
MY
door. I’m sitting on the bed. My real bed. And wondering what the hell I’m going to do now. Keira knocks again and enters without me saying anything.

“I saw the light,” she says as she peeks through the cracked door. My clock reads one in the morning.
 

“I guess neither of us can sleep, huh?” I say. I’m a genius in times like this by saying the most obvious thing that comes to mind. The one thing that no one actually needs to hear. That’s me. Mr. Helpful.

“I’m worried about Monday,” Keira says. I’ve been worried about the same thing. “How are we going to do this, Dillan? I can’t be you and you—you cannot be me. It goes against everything I stand for, as an intelligence professional, to allow an uncleared person access to classified information. If this came out…if anyone found out…Dillan…” She hesitates, and I can see the turmoil on her face. “I will lose everything I’ve worked so hard for. Not to mention it could land me in military prison.”

“Who could possibly find out? And if they did, who would believe it?”

“True,” she agrees. “But integrity and truth are only important when they are needed the most. When things go well, everyone is truthful. Everyone can claim to have integrity. However, when the shit hits the fan, that’s when those two components are high in demand.”

“I see what you mean,” I say, nodding. I pat the bed next to me. She sits down and her weight—my weight—dips the bed’s edge lower, and I sort of lean into her. “Sorry.” Keira doesn’t appear to notice. Her mind is on heavier topics. “So what do we do? We can’t call in sick for the rest of our lives.”

Keira laughs a hard, bitter laugh, and I can tell she’s thought about that very thing. Then she turns serious and clears her throat. “I know how you feel about me, Dillan.” I whip my head around, staring at her like a dumbstruck fool. Tanner. That son of a bitch. “I think I’ve always known, but Tanner confirmed it tonight. Love is my
disorder
. I’ve never…I haven’t ever…” She can’t seem to finish her statement.

“You’ve never been in love?” Part of me feels pity for her. The other part rejoices. If she’s never been in love, then I am not competing with anyone for her affection. Then I amend that thought. I’m competing with the Army. With her career. With her future.

That’s worse than a never-broken heart.

“No,” she answers. “Never. And I don’t plan to ever fall in love, Dillan. Is love worth it? I don’t know. That’s why you need to know this. We’ll never change back. Ellen swapped us for a reason. Disorder. Challenge. I have to learn to fall in love.”

“I think I understand,” I say slowly. I’m amazed she’s opening up to me. Maybe she doesn’t have a choice. Neither of us does.
 

“No you don’t,” she says as she looks into my eyes. I wonder what she sees when she looks back into her own face. “If my task is to fall in love—
to do with a bit of disorder
—what do you think your challenge is?” I shake my head. I know what she is going to say. I’ve sort of known this the whole time. “Your challenge is to make me fall in love with you.”

“Not an easy task, Keira.” My heart stops. It thumps. It crashes against my chest like a prisoner trying to escape a terrible fate: death row.

“It’s an impossible task.” Her voice is sad. “But I know how we can start.”

I lift an eyebrow. Okay. There’s something hopeful in that, right?

Keira

“I
REALLY
DON
’
T
SEE
HOW
this is going to help, Keira,” Dillan says. We’re outside. The air is hot and muggy and it’s pitch black. Well, other than the streetlights, which hum with life. And bugs. He stretches out beside me. He wears my hot pink top and neon green shorts. I’m wearing a pair of his long gym shorts, socks, and shoes. And no shirt. If we’re going to do this, we’re going to do it right.