Collected Plays and Teleplays (Irish Literature) (13 page)

REILLY:
There’s goin’ to be hell to pay over the query form. (
He nods towards
THE STRANGER
.) Your man’s replies to the queries was all lies. The Department’s Inspector checked them. All lies from the word go. And very serious lies some of them were. The Guards are on the job now, I believe.

THE STRANGER:
(
Getting up from the sofa and coming forward.
) What’s the trouble?

KELLY:
(
Bravely.
) I’m afraid you’re the trouble.

THE STRANGER:
(
Puzzled.
) How do you mean?

REILLY:
(
Almost losing his temper.
) Begob, you’ll find out all about it very soon, me bucko. You were wheeled in on the ratepayers’ backs by a bare-faced twist and by your own pack of dirty lies on the query form. YOU WON’T BE SANCTIONED. Do you hear that? You won’t be sanctioned, and you might get a stretch in jail for yourself free of charge, into the bargain.

TOWN CLERK:
This ould crow is right. You won’t be sanctioned.

THE STRANGER:
(
Puzzled.
) I don’t desire to retain this post very long. Mr. Kelly and I have an arrangement.

KELLY:
O, I’m afraid you’re out of it even now. If you’re turned down by the Department, that’s the end of it. If the Council keeps you on, they leave themselves open to surcharge and perhaps a sworn injury. And that’s a very serious matter.

THE STRANGER:
(
Somewhat perturbed.
) I don’t see any reason why I cannot stay on for a little time until I get another job. I’m entitled to some notice. You can get me another job, Mr. Kelly, can’t you?

TOWN CLERK:
Another job? Are you crazy, man? Have you taken French leave of your wits and senses?

THE STRANGER:
(
Perturbed.
) I don’t understand. What do you mean?

TOWN CLERK:
Yerrah, man, where were you brought up? Here you are in the position of a man that wasn’t sanctioned by the Department. It’ll be all over the town be tomorrow morning. Shure you might as well be dead, man.

SHAWN:
(
With most emphatic approval.
) I do, I do. I do, I do.

THE STRANGER:
I don’t understand. What of it if I’m not approved? I lose my job. All I want is another job.

TOWN CLERK:
(
Turning in despair to the others.
) Yerrah, shure the man is mad.

SHAWN:
(
Indulgently, to
THE STRANGER
.) Do you know, ‘tis a hard . . . fierce . . . unmerciful thing to say, but in this part of the country a man that was not sanctioned by the Department—well, do you know, he was better off in Van Diemen’s Land. He was better off in some faraway quarter . . . like the Republic of China. . . .

TOWN CLERK:
I’ll enlighten you, boy. You can be up for murder and welcome. You can take a hatchet and cut your wife into two pieces. People will say you’re . . . an odd class of a man. But this business of not being sanctioned—oh, begob, that’s a different pair of sleeves. Wait and see, boy. Wait and see. As long as you live you’ll rue the day.

KELLY:
(
Gravely.
) Oh, it’s very bad. It’s very difficult.

SHAWN:
‘Tis like havin’ insanity on the mother’s side.

THE STRANGER:
(
Agitated.
) But I have to stay here for a while. I must have a job. I MUST HAVE A JOB. Surely you can fix me up for a few weeks, Mr. Kelly? I can’t be fired out like this without warning. It isn’t fair.

(
During this speech the
TOWN CLERK
has again retreated to the background, whipped out his bottle and drained it in one ferocious gulp. He advances again, looking very fortified. He then adopts a most solemn attitude and gestures with his finger.
)

REILLY:
(
Who has been listening curiously, surprised by the trend of the conversation.
) I don’t know which of yez is the greatest twister, but bedad ye’re all of the one mind now. Begor, it’s changed times. (
He turns.
) And me own teetotal pal footless there on the sofa.

KELLY:
The appointment was perfectly in order until the Department said their say.

THE STRANGER:
(
Very perturbed.
) I don’t see why everybody should be against me like this.

SHAWN:
I do, I do. ‘Tis a very serious thing not to be sanctioned. ‘Tis a very dark thing.

REILLY:
It’s the worst thing that could happen to you in this life. (
To
THE STRANGER
.) Listen, mister-me-friend. Aren’t you in digs below in Connors?

THE STRANGER:
I am.

REILLY:
I know you are. Try going back there tonight. Just try it.

THE STRANGER:
What do you mean?

SHAWN:
Ah, glory be to God, you don’t think big Mick Connors would let a man that wasn’t sanctioned spend the night under his roof?

REILLY:
Not bloody likely.

SHAWN:
Shure no decent man would be such an omadaun.

KELLY:
(
With resignation.
) I’m afraid you’re in a hole, my friend. I wish I could help you but this situation is beyond me. I fear it is beyond my capacity. Some things I can do. Others—I cannot.

TOWN CLERK:
(
Swaying and returning to the attack.
) Listen, boy. Listen now, boy, till I relate a story to you. In a certain town where I was before this we had a man that wasn’t sanctioned. Thanks be to God I only met this thing once before in my life. And do you know, I will never forget it. Never, so long as I live. Don’t be talkin’ to me.

SHAWN:
(
Nodding heavily.
) I do, I do. I know the case well. Shure ‘tis part of the history of Ireland, man.

TOWN CLERK:
(
As if appalled by the recollection of it.
) Ah, glory be to God, it was one of the saddest—one of the most heart-rending misfortunes that I ever knew. And I’ve seen a lot of terrible tings in me time. But this was—Ah, ‘twas terrible. Terrible.

THE STRANGER:
But what have I done? I haven’t done anything wrong.

REILLY:
Whatever lies was in the query form the Guards is in on it. Begob, you’ll rue the day you ever met honest Mr. Kelly. Mark that, me bucko.

TOWN CLERK:
(
Still absorbed in his sad recollection.
) Do you know, at the present time in all Ireland I don’t suppose you have more than ten unsanctioned men. God be good to the unfortunate divils. (
He turns in consternation to the others.
) I’D RATHER HAVE THE LEPROSY! Do you know that? I’d rather have the leprosy.

THE STRANGER:
(
More anxious than ever.
) Look here, I don’t like this sort of talk. What do you mean?

KELLY:
(
Retreating to have a look at
SHAW
.) I can only tell you that you have my heart-felt sympathy in your misfortune.

THE STRANGER:
(
Shrilly, getting really frightened.
) What on earth do you mean? Will you please explain?

REILLY:
(
Genially.
) I’ll tell you. Number One, no bed for you tonight. Number Two, no cigarettes or beer no matter where you ask for them. Number Three, no answer to any question no matter where you put it in this town. You’re a man that wasn’t sanctioned by the Department. You’ll know what that means before you’re much older or my name isn’t Reilly.

SHAWN:
(
Nodding.
) I do, I do.

TOWN CLERK:
(
Reminiscently.
) This other unfortunate divil had a very misfortunate wind-up at the latter end. It was kept out of the
Examiner
but I remember it well. He opened himself up somewhere with a bit of a shavin’-razor.

REILLY:
(
Shrugging.
) Damn the chance of this fly-be-night opening his neck. Only decent people take their own lives. Many’s a time I’ve felt like it meself.

THE STRANGER:
(
In a low voice.
) And why did this man commit suicide?

TOWN CLERK:
Yerrah, shure the man couldn’t get his fare to America and what else could he do?

SHAWN:
There was once an unsanctioned man in me own part of the country, years—ah, years and years ago. The same day the letter came from the Department, he was on his way across the great blue ocean. Where did the poor gawm go but Boston, a place that is full of the grand sea-divided exiles of our land. Well, do you know, the first hotel he walked into it was thrown in his face. The hall-porter, do you know, was from my part of the country too. And the poor unfortunate man was put out on the street again.

TOWN CLERK:
Shure I know that case. He had to fly off to Mexico and spend the rest of his days living with dagoes and all classes of wild men.

THE STRANGER:
(
Bursting out with great nervousness.
) But supposing I don’t want a job? Supposing I have enough to live on for a while? Supposing I lived here very quietly and never went out and never spoke to anybody?

TOWN CLERK:
Live where, man?

THE STRANGER:
Where? . . . Anywhere. If they won’t let me stay where I am . . . couldn’t I live with Mr. Kelly? Couldn’t I, Mr. Kelly? Just for a few months till you take your seat? What’s wrong with that?

KELLY:
(
Horrified.
) O, no thanks, that wouldn’t do at all. Wouldn’t do at all, at all.

THE STRANGER:
But WHY?

KELLY:
The clergy wouldn’t have it in the first place.

SHAWN:
I do. Father Healy is very strict about unsanctioned men in the parish. He says it gives great scandal.

THE STRANGER:
(
Now thoroughly upset.
) THE CLERGY? What have

they got to do with it? THE CLERGY?

REILLY:
If you’re in this town tomorrow morning Father Healy will have a word to say to you. He’ll pack you out quick enough.

THE STRANGER:
(
Shrilly.
) What? A priest?

KELLY:
If you try to stay here you’ll have no life, man. Nobody will talk to you.

THE STRANGER:
(
Forgetting himself in his anxiety.
) But I HAVE to talk to people. That’s my job. I have to talk to them, to persuade them, to make them do what I want—I mean, I like talking to people . . . (
He breaks off in confusion.
)

TOWN CLERK:
You’ll have to do your talking to the Mexicans, like the other fella. (
The telephone rings and
REILLY
darts over to answer it.
)

REILLY:
What? This is Reilly. Yes, he’s here. (
He listens.
) I see. (
He puts down the receiver looking very surprised.
)

KELLY:
Who was that?

REILLY:
That was Guard Shanahan. He’s on his way up to ask a lot of questions about that query form and he says there’s going to be a Petition.

KELLY:
A Petition——?

REILLY:
Yes, a Petition. You’re not a T.D. yet. There was some monkey-work. When the last two boxes of votes were opened they were full of ashes. (
He turns to the others.
) What do you think of that?

TOWN CLERK:
(
Astonished.
) Ashes? Well, begor . . . that’s extraordinary.

KELLY:
(
Incredulously.
) A petition? Ashes! Well, upon my word! Upon my word!

TOWN CLERK:
(
Briskly to hide uneasiness.
) Well, do oo now, if there’s a Guard comin’ up here with his notebook and pincil I tink I’ll mosey off and have a nice bottle of stout for meself. Cheery-pip, lads!

(
Exit.
)

THE STRANGER:
(
Now thoroughly scared.
) I have nothing to hide, gentlemen. If the police wish to see me I am at their service. I’d better get my coat . . . I’ll be back in a moment.

(
He opens the press at back of stage, unnoticed by all save
KELLY
.
Revealed are the rows of delf, etc. He quietly closes it behind him.
)

REILLY:
(
Exploding venomously as he gets ready to depart.
) Well, I’m a happy man tonight. I’ve smashed to smithereens the lousiest twist, the dirtiest ready-up, that was ever tried on in this town. I have fixed the hash of that customer gone out, whoever the hell he is. And if I know anything (
To
KELLY
.) damn the T.D. you’ll ever be (
sneering
) . . . Mr. Chairman, sir!

(
There is silence.
SHAWN
remains sprawled on his chair, delighted with himself.
KELLY
remains prostrate on his chair, his head bowed. Immediately the general gloom is punctured by a very abrupt and bad-tempered entrance on the part of
HANNAH
.)

HANNAH:
Well, this is a nice house! Drunken thollabawns turning the place into a bear garden and herself upstairs with a nervous breakdown from the carry-on ye had between the lot of ye in this room!

SHAWN:
(
With great compassion.
) Ah, the grand . . . fine . . . religious . . . soft-hearted woman. ‘Tis off home I’ll bring meself this minute and lave her to her prayers.

HANNAH:
(
Belligerently.
) Aw, we’ve had enough chat out of you.

SHAWN:
(
Rising and waddling out.
) I do, I do. Goodbye to yeh, Mr. Chairman. I do, I do.

HANNAH:
(
To
KELLY
.) And I’m talkin’ to you too. Yourself and your friend on the sofa. (
KELLY
looks up uncomprehendingly.
) I’m going to make a pot of good . . . strong . . . black coffee. That’ll give yez all the power to walk again.