Clean Slate (16 page)

Louis pulled his SUV into the driveway and blocked Daisy
in right as she was trying to pull out. He jumped down from the driver’s seat
and jogged to her front passenger window. Daisy, alone in the car, cocked her
head to the side and let her confusion show on her face.

He gestured for her to roll down the window.

She mashed the button.

“Daisy, I thought maybe you were driving Clara to the
airport.”

She shook her head and crooked a thumb toward the house.
“No, I…” She pressed her lips together and stared down at her lap. “I have an
appointment. Ben’s going to take her in a few minutes. He’s not back yet.”

“Oh. I’ll let you out then.” He hopped back into his truck
and backed onto the asphalt just enough to let her out, then pulled back onto
the driveway with a honk of his horn.

Once parked, he didn’t dally. He’d waited too damned long
and with how mangled his insides felt, he could hardly afford to wait even one
more minute. He ran to the kitchen door and let himself in without knocking.

Clara, at the table, startled as the door banged shut, but
he didn’t give her any time to recover. He wrapped his arms around her, pulled
her to her feet, and planted a desperate kiss on her lips.

She moaned her objection, and he broke the lock, holding
her back just a few inches.

Her eyes were wide, lips parted as she panted. “Louis!”

“What?”

“You can’t just…” she pulled one of her arms free of his
embrace and made a waffling gesture with her hand. “You can’t just walk in
after all these years and try to take what you want.”

He grunted. “It’s not taking if you give it freely. Won’t
you give it?”
Please don’t make me whine.
If you want me to whine…
He rubbed
his hands up and down her back and tried to put all the yearning he had in his
face. It was hard. He’d learned to squash his expression of that particular
emotion over the course of decades, but the moment Ben found his brother and
Jerry confronted Louis about it, those old feelings started bubbling up to the
surface as if someone had jammed a spade in the ground and struck oil.

“Why should I?” she asked, her brow furrowed and lips
pushed together into a pout.

“Clara, I was stupid. We both know it. The boys know it. I
don’t expect you to forgive me for it ever. But, I want you to try to love me
in spite of it.”

Her expression softened just a hint, then flashed back to
anger. “Love you?”

He left out a soft exhale and drew her in closer so his
chin was atop her soft hair. She didn’t fight it—just sank into it. “Yes.
I’m not so foolish to think you haven’t tried to move on in all these years,
but if you still want me even a little bit, please…
tell
me. Because I love
you
.”

She tilted her head up so he had to move his chin to meet
his gaze. She seemed to be looking for some trace of a lie, but she wasn’t
going to find one.

“I do, Clara. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry the
boys didn’t have each other growing up. I’m sorry for being a coward. I chose
wrong. I repeatedly chose wrong, but if you’ll let me, I’ll spend the rest of
my life trying to make you happy. That’s the only promise I can make.”

And for him, it was a small promise—an easy one.
She’d never been a hard woman to please, but still he’d managed to mess that
up. Thirty years can teach a man a lot about needs, though. He hadn’t needed
all that money. Not
really
. It’d left
him emotionally bankrupt, rendered him dickless in some ways. Compromised his
fathering. Even if they’d been just scraping by, they would have been happy.
Back then, tough, happiness didn’t seem like a very valuable commodity. At
least his boys understood how much it was worth. He rubbed the stubble on his
chin and stared out the door in the direction Daisy had driven in.

She crossed her arms over her chest. “So, what? You send
me money every now and then to assuage your guilt?”

He scoffed. “
No
,
woman, it means you move here and you let me do right by you.”

“This isn’t my home.”

“Like hell it isn’t!” he said, raising his voice. He
hadn’t meant to come in with guns blazing, but he had to make her
understand—impress upon her the seriousness of the situation. For him, it
seemed like life or death. Sure felt like it. “Jerry’s here. Ben’s here. And
now there’s Trinity and…” He waved toward the door. “Daisy and the baby.”

She cocked up a blonde eyebrow.

He shrugged. “Yeah, I know about it. Hard to keep a secret
around here.” He put his hands on her shoulders and chafed her arms while
staring down at her expressionless face. “Clara, what do you have left in
Belgium, huh? You’re going home to a job and a house and nothing. There are
people here who love you. I love you.
Stay
.”

She didn’t respond.

Damn it.

He dug in the pocket of his khakis and pressed the small,
hard item between his two fingers, extracting it. When he pulled it out, he
studied it for a moment, spinning it around to assess all three hundred and
sixty degrees, and then met her gaze.

“It’s yours if you want it, Clara.”

She shook her head and took a step backward.

He allowed her no slack, and closed the distance between
them. “Please. It was my mother’s and her grandmother’s before that. It’s been
in my safe deposit box along with Jerry’s birth records for a lot of years.”

Understanding seemed to dawn on her face, so he held it
out to her.

“Here. It should be yours. No one else’s. When my mother
went into the hospital all those years ago she’d handed me her rings and told
me ‘do right by that woman.’ She wasn’t lucent, you know? But I didn’t think
she meant Kate. She hated Kate.” He scoffed and raked a hand through his hair.
“That was the last thing she ever said to me. She went to sleep and the next
day she was gone.”

Tears formed at the corners of her eyes, but still, she
didn’t take the ring. She pressed it back to him. “You should give it to Ben.”

He nudged it back and shook his head. “I’ve giving it to
you
, Clara. Take it please…unless you
don’t want me.”

She stared into his eyes and he tried to smile, but the
best he could do was twitch at the corners of his mouth.
Please
,
Clara. Take it.

Her lips formed some word, but before she could say it,
she closed her mouth and put up a shaking right hand to pinch the ring from his
fingers. “
Goed
.”

“
Ja?
”
Is she playing with me?

She nodded. “
Ja.
We will try again.”

He forced out a long exhale and the heavy anvil that’d
been residing in his chest for more than thirty years seemed to dissolve. “God,
woman.”

She slipped on the ring and cast a wary expression up to
him. “What are people going to think? That I’m some homewrecker?”

“Who cares?”

“That’s what Jerry said.”

“He is his father’s son.” He walked around her and hugged
her from the back, rocking them side-to-side. “Besides, people love
happily-ever-after. I think this counts as the start of that. That’s all that
matters.”

“I don’t want a wedding.”

The kitchen door swung in and Ben stepped inside. He
looked from one parent then the other, grunted appreciatively, and left,
calling behind him, “Call me when your flight lands,
Moeder
. I guess you have a ride. I guess I’ll tag along for Daisy’s
appointment.”

“Momma,
please
,”
Daisy implored as she jammed one last plastic bag of clothes into the back of
her sedan. “I thought we were getting somewhere with how things were going at
work and now
this
?”

Momma took off her glasses, jammed them into the pocket of
her flannel shirt, and followed on Daisy’s heels the way around the car to the
driver’s door.

Daisy sat.

Momma leaned into the door. “Look, it takes me a while to
come around. You know that. I was upset about you branching off on your own.
Made me feel bad. Felt like you didn’t want to be connected to me no more.”

Daisy sighed as she clasped her seatbelt’s tongue into the
buckle. “It was never about that. I never wanted you to feel like I was trying
to distance myself from you. I just wanted something of my own, Momma. I’m too
old to be in your shadow.”

Momma laughed. “That may be so, but you’re getting so big
now you’re the one casting the shadow over me.”

Daisy leaned the back of her head against the rest and
stared at the steering wheel. “We think differently, Momma. You and me. You
like to stick to what you know. I like to try new things sometimes.”

“Well, I hated to admit it, but you’re good at it.”

Daisy shrugged. “I’m only working off of what you and
Nanna taught me. Without y’all, I wouldn’t know the basics. I couldn’t do what
I do. I’m no rebel, Momma. I’m just working with what I’ve got.”

Momma squatted into the doorway and lowered her voice to a
near whisper. “But why can’t you work with Barry the same way? Make somethin’
out of him?”

“No.” Daisy closed her eyes and shook her head. “No no no.
He’s a lump of coal with no ambitions to ever become a diamond. Liz warned us
about that all those years ago, remember? He’s too fucking lazy.”

Momma cringed, then narrowed her eyes. “So what are you
sayin’? That you can do better?”

“I’m pretty sure.”

Hell, that wasn’t saying much.

“Well, Daisy, I just don’t want you to be alone like me.
You’re so damned shy, that—”

Daisy put up her hand to halt her talking, then rested it
on top of her shoulder, giving it a little squeeze. “Maybe some men like shy.
There’s someone for everyone, and I want to be with
that
someone—when I’m ready and not a moment before.”

Momma grinned. “When’d you get so smart?”

Daisy glanced up at her rearview mirror at the sound of a
car door being slammed and rolled her eyes at the approaching Barry. “Just in
the past couple months.” She started her ignition. “Bye, Momma. See you at
work.”

* * *

Fall came in with rain and a less desirable f-word:
friend-zone. Ben didn’t want to push Daisy, even if it felt like everything
they were doing was a step down from where he thought they should have been. At
a loss for other ideas, he continued treating her as the one great love he knew
she was even without getting the fringe benefits. He didn’t want to have any
regrets—didn’t want to be in a situation down the road where his
impatience had caused some irreparable rift.

She was around a lot, thanks to
Moeder
and Trinity. For Trinity, Daisy was that friend who listened
long and talked short, and their friendship seemed well-calibrated.

With the baby’s quickening,
Moeder
had simply gone into a state of non-stop fretting. It’d been
so long since there’d been a baby in the family, she didn’t know what to do
with herself. So, she worried. And when she worried, she baked. And when she
baked, she called Daisy over to the Rouse estate to eat it…and when Daisy begged
off,
Moeder
would drive to Trinity
and Jerry’s with a basket in tow, storming up the stairs into the garage
apartment.

At work, they had an easy camaraderie and often went out
to trade shows and festivals together. She’d smile and chat with him like she
did with no other person, but that was about as far as things went.

He treated her like a valued lover, but the truth was they
hadn’t slept together since before he’d returned to Belgium that last
time…unless he counted them falling asleep in front of the television a couple
of nights per week.

They’d wake up and it’d be dark outside and she’d just put
her head back against his chest, tighten her hold on his waist, and nod back
off.

One day, she told him the absolute worst thing a man in
love with a woman could hear: “Ben, you’re the best friend I have.”

That rocked his world in a bad way. He moped. He grieved.
He quietly raged, all the while keeping a smile on his face whenever she was
around. He’d just about come to terms with the idea of co-parenting their child
as friends rather than partners, when on Christmas day, they all gathered at
Jerry and Trinity’s for a meal Trinity “cooked”—meaning
Moeder
prepared it and Trinity washed
the dishes.

The group had dispersed, with the elder Rouses bundling up
and stepping out into the brisk winter day for a walk around the property,
Francine heading home to dress for a gathering with her boyfriend of the
moment, and Trinity and Jerry taking a ride in Trinity’s new car. She’d finally
replaced her abused old sedan with a station wagon, but as far as wagons went,
it was a pretty sweet one.

Left alone with Daisy, Ben had mumbled something about
seeing to all the trash they’d amassed that afternoon and he walked past where
she leaned against the kitchen doorway. On his way out with two overstuffed
bags, she goosed him…and not even coyly.

He dropped the bags and rubbed his sore rear. “What’s that
about?”

Thunder cracked outside, and they both turned their
attention to the door’s glass to assess the darkening sky. When he looked at
her again, she grinned and folded her arms over her belly.

“What’s a girl gotta do to get some attention?” she asked.

Ben let his eyes go wide. “What the hell are you talking
about?”

The first drops of rain pattered against the roof. Ben
hoped his parents at the good sense to turn back at that flash of lightning. He
nudged the bags out of the doorway into the corner and crossed his own arms
while waiting for her to answer.

She narrowed her eyes and cocked her head to the side.
“Are you not attracted to me?”

He gaped. “You’re shitting me, right?”

She shrugged. “You haven’t touched me in months. I’m
pregnant, but I’m still a woman, Ben.”

He stared at her blank expression, disbelieving. And then
her lips began to twitch at the corners before she fell completely into a state
of uncontrollable giggling.

He didn’t think it was funny. “Stop teasing me.”

She managed to gain control of herself. “Sorry. I’ve never
done this before. I’m pretty awkward. How do I do this?”

“Do what, exactly?” He pushed the door out as his father
pulled his mother through the door, sopping wet. They headed straight for the
laundry room.

Daisy’s cheeks flushed as she stared down at her rounded
belly. “Uh…flirt. It’s never been a tool in my arsenal, and…” She shook her
head and looked into his eyes. “I’m just pathetic.”

He laughed and rolled his eyes. “Ugh,
zeg dat niet
. You’re not, although you are rather infuriating.”

“Am I?”

“You’re joking, right? Did Jerry put you up to this?”

“You’re making this hard.”

He grinned and leaned his butt against the kitchen counter
edge. “Oh? Tell me what exactly I’m making difficult. I don’t understand.”

She sighed and shifted her weight. “I’ll be right back. I
need to get something out of my car.”

“Hurry. It’s raining. Brr.” He feigned a shudder.

She narrowed her eyes at him and stepped outside.

What was that damned confounding woman up to?

* * *

Of course he would make it hard for her. She didn’t think
he’d just roll over and tell her, “Oh, yes, Daisy—let’s just pick right
up where we left off, shall we? Now where were we, my love? Ah, I believe I
suggested we get married?”

She fiddled with her key fob and grunted at herself. It
hadn’t been her plan to keep him on the hook so long, but the more time that
elapsed, the harder it got for her to say anything. She’d wanted to tell him
weeks ago—even as far back as Halloween—that she was
ready
, but feared she’d sound too
desperate. Pregnant and desperate, just like Momma had been.

She wasn’t desperate, and she understood that now, but she
did miss him. Missed being with him…missed his kisses and his respectful
treatment of her body. And she loved the Rouses, even Louis who usually seemed
overwhelmed but happy about it. As far as families went, it was one she could
picture herself in. They
got
her—didn’t make her do anything outside her comfort zone and that’s
probably what brought her around so fast. They hadn’t poked, hadn’t denigrated
her, hadn’t held any expectations for her other than she just
be
. That’s why she knew that she was
just fine the way she was, and she was just fine for
Ben
.

Rain dripped down her face and she watched cars zip past,
sluicing water with their tires. The ditch was filling. Pretty soon, it’d be
swimmable.

“Hmm.”

She waded into the yard, letting cold water fill her
sneakers and drench her woolen socks.

The kitchen door opened. “Daisy, what are you doing?”

“Um…” She wiped rain from her face and turned around to
shout, “I thought I saw a frog.” It was the first thing that came to mind.
She’d never been good at lying.

“A
frog
?” he
balked. “Come back inside. It’s cold.”

“Just a minute. Maybe it was just a rock.” She waded out a
bit more and peered at the brown clump she knew damn sure wasn’t a frog.

The sound of feet slapping soggy lawn alerted her to Ben’s
proximity. She bent down and scooped up the brown pile, squishing it between
her fingers until it was firm enough to aim. And she did. Right at his face,
where it hit him between the eyes.

He stopped, jaw dropped, mumbling in—well, she
didn’t know what language it was—under his breath.

Before he could recover, she stooped down and picked up
another clump of mud. This one she directed at the center of his crisp white
shirt.

“Tell me you’re joking,” he said, clearing his eyes and
taking a step toward her.

She already had a third handful of mud prepared. This one,
she flung at his slacks. “Nope. I figured it was my turn to do something
ridiculous.”

He pursed his lips and nodded. “Well, this counts.” He
bent down and gathered up a wet clod of mud of his own.

She shrieked and ran toward the garage, pausing only once
at a flowerbed to pick up some black soil and fling it toward his head. He
followed her up the stairs, pelting her once in the middle of the back with an
easy, soft toss.

Once through the doorway, they doubled over, laughing and
struggling to catch their breath.

“I’m not sure I can forgive you for that ambush. Evil
woman.”

“Hey, you tried to punish me—to make it hard. I
guess I deserve that, but if you think it would help with the forgiving bit…we
could get married.” She used her thumbs to clear the residual mud from his
eyelids.
That was lame. I thought I’d
stopped being lame. Guess not.
She held her breath while he formulated a
response.

He laughed. “Help, huh? I think the only thing that’ll
help me right now is a bar of soap.” He wrapped his arms around her,
transferring some of the mud from his clothes to hers by wriggling against her.

“Stop!” She started laughing, too.

Regardless of the fact they were dripping mud all over the
tile floor, he tipped her head back and grazed his lips over hers. “You mean it
this time?” he whispered, pressing his forehead to hers. “Or are you going to
sprint off and get lost in a crowd to get away from me?”

She batted his arm. “I’m sorry for being a dork, but I
mean it. I’m willing to try. You make me want to try…and I love you.”
There. It’s out now. Now what?

He gripped her hand and pulled her into the bathroom. “I’m
so glad we’re in love.” He reached into the shower and wrenched on the hot
water before peeling off his sodden shirt. “I’ll feel less guilty about putting
you to work.” He handed her a bar of Sink or Swim.

Thank God, he’s not
going to make it hard.
Typical Ben.
Of course I love him.
“It’s hardly work.” She watched him drop his pants
and underwear in one fell swoop.

Oh my
.

“Are you going to shower with your clothes on again,
liefje
? I thought we were beyond that. I
mean, we’ve been biblical. A lot,
ja
?
Just not lately?” He rubbed her belly before stepping under the shower flow. He
made a beckoning gesture. Water streamed down the hard planes of his chest,
clearing away the mud that’d seeped down his collar and drawing her eyes down
to things that were already quite attentive.

She swallowed, and reached for the hem of her stretchy
dress. “My balance is off. Don’t let me slip.”

He held out his arms. “Hey, I’ve got you. No sinking with
me,
liefje
. Only swimming. I’ll
always hold you up.”