‘Cheryl obviously had her work cut out trying to make her stick to the narrative thread, because she wanders off all the time. One minute she’s talking about what she got up to during the war, and the next about the best way to make plum jam! And although I love hearing about all the cooking and preserving, and the old village customs and so on, it can get frustrating when she leaves some interesting reminiscence half finished!’
I told Bella how Aunt Nan used to love to jitterbug with her American friend. ‘Can you imagine that?’
‘Not really,’ Bella said frankly, ‘but it’s good that she managed to have some fun, because she was very young when she lost her fiancé, wasn’t she?’
‘Yes, and that’s what I think, too. I expect she never quite got over losing him, but she had to get on with her own life.’
And it occurred to me that I was echoing that, because although my fiancé hadn’t died, I had most definitely lost him and was now striking out on a similar path to Aunt Nan. But without the jitterbugging, of course.
Speak of the devil, Justin rang me up just after the shop had shut and Bella had gone home, and on the house phone, rather than my mobile, so he caught me on the hop.
‘Tansy darling, I’ve got you at last!’ he exclaimed. ‘You never seem to answer your mobile, or my texts and emails.’
‘What do you want, Justin? I’ve been really busy all day and I’m shattered.’
‘Just to know how your new shop is coming along. It sounds as if it might be doing really well.’
I told him that after a slow start it was picking up and I was cautiously optimistic of success.
‘Today we’ve been rushed off our feet. I’ve sold four pairs of really expensive shoes and a pair of vintage white kidskin ones, as well as lots of giftware,’ I said proudly.
‘That’s great!’ he said, sounding so genuinely pleased that perhaps I’d been wrong thinking that he’d expected (or hoped) that Cinderella’s Slippers would bomb. He asked me all kinds of questions about it, too, so that I found myself telling him one or two funny things that had happened …
In fact, he was so much more like the man I first fell in love with that I forgot for a minute that he wasn’t. He was even wry about Mummy Dearest when I politely enquired how she was.
‘She stayed here for weeks while her house was being repainted, and my life wasn’t my own!’ he confessed. ‘Honestly, you’d think I was still a child and needed my mother to organise my life, the way she goes on.’
Well, that was pretty much what I’d been telling him for years, so it was good to hear him admit it, even if somewhat too late.
‘I do miss you, Tansy,’ he added softly. ‘Please, won’t you let me come and see you? I could drive up tonight, in fact and –’
‘No!’ I said, more sharply than I’d intended. ‘No,’ I repeated, softening my tone a bit. ‘I really am tired and I’ve got lots to do tomorrow. Besides, I couldn’t put you up here, because Aunt Nan wouldn’t have liked that at all – and it would be a pointless trip, Justin.’
He sighed. ‘Not pointless to me, because I still care about you and hope we can at least still be friends. Look, what if I get off early in the morning and just come up for the day? I’ve found a few more of your things you might like to have,’ he added enticingly, ‘like your big pottery mixing bowl with the glazed pink inside and several bottles of mead.’
‘Meddyg.’
‘Whatever. I can’t drink the stuff, so it will only go to waste otherwise.’
‘Timmy could call in and collect the rest of it.’
‘I’d rather bring it myself, because I’m longing to see you again. Honestly, I’m a shadow of my former self since you left,’ he said persuasively, but if that was true, then it was only because he didn’t have me filling the house with cakes, pastries and pies any more.
I did my best to persuade him not to come, and
he
did his utmost to persuade me I’d feel differently when I saw him, so even by the end of the call I wasn’t sure whether he was going to drive up tomorrow or not.
I
really
hoped not …
Unfortunately, I
hadn’t
managed to put him off. Next morning while I was out feeding the hens, he left a message on my answering machine saying he was on his way and should be here mid-morning.
I felt cross, put out and upset in equal measure, because once I’d cleaned the shop I’d intended spending most of the day working on my illustrations … not to mention a bit of baking, including trying out the recipe for Fat Rascals that Timmy, who shares my interest in cooking, had emailed to me the previous night.
It sounded like a kind of super-duper rock cake and I already had all the ingredients.
So now, since I was too unsettled to work, I began the baking instead and had just taken a cheese and onion pie out of the oven, to join the cooling racks of Fat Rascals (I’d eaten one hot, and it had been yummy), tomato and cheese tartlets and butterfly cakes (basically just fairy cakes – slice a piece off the top, blob on jam and cream, then cut the slice of cake in half and stick it back into the cream like wings), when Flash started barking at the back door.
Justin was standing there, looking his familiar tall, solid and handsome self – and as dependable as I had once thought him. But he also looked nervous; I’d forgotten he wasn’t keen on dogs.
Flash didn’t seem too keen on
him
, either. When Justin handed me the large cerise orchid in a white pot he’d been clutching to his hand-knitted Aran jumper and would have kissed my cheek, Flash took this as a sign of aggression and broke out into loud barking, hackles raised. I was quite impressed by this demonstration of protectiveness!
‘I forgot to tell you I had a dog now, but he just barks, he doesn’t bite,’ I assured him, though I wasn’t
entirely
certain about that in Justin’s case.
I soothed Flash down while Justin went to fetch the box containing the rest of my things from the car, which he’d parked next to mine at the bottom of the garden. Flash retreated under the kitchen table when he came in, making a menacing low, throaty, rumbling noise.
Justin took hold of my shoulders and gazed lovingly down at me. He always has that Viking glow about him – the fresh skin, blue eyes and tawny hair – so he seemed larger than life, especially in the small cottage. I kept the potted orchid between us, so he couldn’t move in any closer.
‘You’re looking
great
,’ he said, where once he would have been really critical of the asymmetric orange cardigan I was wearing over a long pink paisley corduroy dress, teamed with a pair of my favourite Birkie clogs.
‘Thanks, but you really shouldn’t have come, I told you so,’ I said, then sighed when his face fell and suggested he might as well sit down, now he
was
here.
‘If you’re sure the dog will be OK?’ he asked, with a nervous glance at the table.
I wasn’t, but he sat down as far away from Flash as he could get and reached for one of the Fat Rascals on the cooling rack.
‘Mother called me just after I’d left the message for you,’ he said through a mouthful of cake. ‘She wasn’t feeling too well and wanted me to go down to Tunbridge, but I told her I was more than halfway to Lancashire and I’d call her when I got back.’
I was amazed: the old Justin would have turned the car round and belted off to Tunbridge Wells and Mummy Dearest at the first slip road! It was a pity he hadn’t shown this kind of resoluteness when we were together.
I poured him a cup of tea and offered to butter him some bara brith, but he said he was fine with the cakes.
‘What
are
these?’
‘Fat Rascals.’
‘Never heard of them – but they’re good. I’ve missed all this,’ he added, indicating the array of home baking spread to cool all over the table. ‘But then, I miss everything about you.’
‘Including those failings you used to point out to me, like my total lack of dress sense, social skills and not being a size zero clothes hanger like your friends’ wives?’
‘I didn’t mean
to be critical! I really do love all your eccentric little ways.’
‘What about the way I invaded your flat with clutter and bright colours, and hung pipe-cleaner monkeys everywhere?’
‘All of it,’ he insisted. ‘I don’t know what got into me, I must have been mad not to have appreciated you more. It’s like that old Joni Mitchell song – you know, the one about not knowing what you’ve got till it’s gone.’ He gave me a wry smile. ‘You’ve left a huge hole in my life, Tansy.’
‘“Big Yellow Taxi”,’ I said, softening for a moment – until I recalled exactly
why
I’d left. ‘But perhaps you should have thought about all that before you had a fling with Rae!’
‘I know I was really weak, but she did do all the running – and it was only a couple of times.’
‘Oh, well, if it was only a
couple
of times, then that’s all right, then,’ I said with heavy sarcasm, which bounced right off him.
‘Really?’ he said, glancing up from his third Fat Rascal hopefully.
‘
No
.’
He looked crestfallen. ‘I realised the fling with Rae was a big mistake almost at once, because she made it clear she just wanted to carve another notch on the bedpost and crow over you.’
‘Yes, she and Marcia never really wanted my boyfriends for themselves, they just enjoyed the fact that they could take them away.’
‘As soon as I came to my senses I told her it was over and I hoped you’d never find out. But then she hit me with the news of the pregnancy and I’ve been paying her off ever since to keep quiet.’
‘You’d have to pay maintenance for your own child anyway,’ I pointed out.
‘Of course, but she wanted much more than that.’
‘Yes, and it’s because you were paying her through the nose that you turned into a skinflint and kept putting off the wedding, and saying we couldn’t afford to have children. I can see that now.’
‘I’m really sorry about that, too.’
‘You should be, because the outcome is that your actions have cost me my chance to have children.’
He reached across and took my hand. ‘Not if we get back together,’ he said softly. ‘I’m sure it’s not too late. They only told you your fertility was declining, which it would be at your age, and we could always try IVF if it doesn’t happen quickly.’
I removed my hand. ‘That would be even more expense.’
‘It doesn’t matter, I just want you to be happy. And anyway, I’m not giving Rae any more money because she’s had more than enough from me already!’
‘But Charlie’s still your son,’ I reminded him, a knife seeming to turn in my heart. ‘You have to think about him, he’s the innocent party in all this.’
‘Oh, I suppose I’ll have to pay her some maintenance eventually, but it will be the minimum amount.’ He leaned forward and this time seized both my hands.
‘
Please
come back to me, Tansy! I promise to do anything it takes to make up for what I did.’
He looked so handsome, appealing and sincere that had it been anyone but one of my stepsisters he had been unfaithful with, I might have wavered momentarily at this point.
‘It’s just not possible, Justin, because the thought of Rae and the child would always come between us. I’m never coming back, I’m here in Sticklepond for good. In fact, I should never have left.’
‘Then how about if I move to a hospital up here, instead? Manchester or Liverpool or somewhere.’
‘Don’t be silly! You hate it up here, you know you do.’
‘I’ve heard Manchester isn’t so bad.’
‘Manchester is a thriving metropolis with loads going for it,’ I told him.
‘There you are then – and it’s quite close to here, isn’t it? Commutable.’
‘It’s not commutable to Mummy in Tunbridge Wells, though,’ I pointed out.
‘She’d understand and she could get on a train and visit us.’
Yes, I could really see
that
happening!
‘Justin, there’s no “us” any more. There’s really no point in even discussing it, because we’re never getting back together,’ I insisted.
He went a bit sulky after that, seeming to think he had made the ultimate sacrifice in suggesting he leave London. I’d intended giving him lunch and then attempting to get rid of him, but he wanted to take me out somewhere so we ended up at the Green Man next door.
He came out of his sulk while we ate and was warm and funny about his work and his colleagues, and back to being the man I fell in love with … only every time I found myself forgetting, the picture of him and Rae together would suddenly slide between us like frosted glass.
It didn’t help his cause that Mummy Dearest rang three times during lunch, either.
‘I was hoping to stay longer, but I suppose I’d better head back,’ Justin said reluctantly, when he’d seen me back to the cottage. Flash seemed no keener on the sight of him the second time than he had the first.
I packed up some cakes for him and then saw him out to the car, feeling relieved and wrung out in equal measure, which I suppose is how he managed to catch me off guard, suddenly pulling me close and kissing me.
His embrace felt treacherously warm, safe and familiar for a moment, and then I pulled sharply away. ‘You’d better get going, Justin: it’s a long way to London.’
He got in, grinning as though he had scored some victory with his snatched kiss. ‘Bye, darling!’ he called cheerily through the open window as he reversed out and then headed off down the lane.
As I turned to go in, I noticed Ivo standing next to his Jaguar, Toby in his arms. I wasn’t sure how long he’d been there.
‘Boyfriend?’ he asked, his face shuttered and inscrutable.
‘Ex-fiancé.’
‘That kiss didn’t look very ex.’
‘It
was
from my side. He’s ex because he cheated on me and I intend being a singular woman from now on.’
He half-smiled and, disconcertingly, the ghost of the handsome boy I once fell in love with appeared on his face. ‘I think you always were pretty singular.’
‘I meant
single
,’ I said with dignity.
‘I’ll be round for Flash later, if you still want me to take him?’
‘Of course I do – why wouldn’t I?’ I marched off, Flash snapping at my heels as if I were a recalcitrant sheep.