Chaste (McCullough Mountain) (28 page)

She’d
taken up going to her father’s at night to play cards. He clearly suspected
something was wrong. Roy asked about Josh and she told him they’d called it
quits. He asked about the summer festival, but she told him she was exhausted
with dating and didn’t want to talk about it. He was sympathetic to her dreary
mood, but respected her need for privacy.

Ashlynn
heard what happened with Evan and discovered his track record. She wasn’t
surprised. He was very good at playing the nice guy. She’d fallen for it and
sadly, the fact that five other women, maybe more, had fallen for it as well
made her feel less accountable.

Maybe
she should be talking to a therapist, but there wasn’t much to say. She’d
suffered a near crisis. There was no point in running around frantic over what
could have happened. In her mind, she’d been lucky. It was over and that was
enough. She’d never be so trusting again.

She
was shoving emotions every which way in order to keep herself together. Evan
was simply something she couldn’t face. Perhaps that made her a coward. Perhaps
it meant she was somehow letting down females everywhere. Or perhaps it just
meant she was trying to survive.

But
it wasn’t the aftermath of Evan that hurt. It was the ghost of Kelly. When
she’d found his letter, she’d cried. She loved him. After attempting to date
other men, she’d learned there really was something special about Kelly. He
was—to some extent—loyal and courageous. He knew the difference between right
and wrong no matter how much he tried to discredit the rules. And—most of
all—he cared about her on some level. Otherwise he never would have come to her
the way he had. But that still didn’t fix all the ways they were broken.

Ashlynn—more
than ever—valued her virtue. It was for her husband and she’d been through hell
and high water to hold on to that gift. Having made it this far, survived Evan’s
attempt to snatch it away, she was not turning back. It was her gift to give
and she wanted to give it to a man who would cherish it.

So
why was she still hung up on the one man who would never step up to the
challenge? Kelly was a free spirit. She’d known from the beginning he wasn’t
the marrying type, accepted it with each tender touch along the way. Yet
somehow she’d fallen out of a crush and into full-blown love with him.

He
saved her.

It
wasn’t fair the one man she couldn’t have was the one she wanted above all
others. Letting go of Josh didn’t affect her. It probably should have, but she
didn’t care one way or another. Davis barely entered her thoughts. His letters
were automatically filtered into a spam folder somewhere in
cyberspace—somewhere he probably knew the proper IT term for.

Weeks
had gone by and Kelly never called. She buried the events of that night deep
down and never wanted to think about it again. When she saw him attacking Evan,
her only concern was for Kelly. He went to jail for her, fought for her, kept
quiet for her, but he didn’t love her.

It
hurt. It hurt to know that whatever these other women were offering held more
appeal to him than her devoted love. Some days she hated herself for caring
about him, but there was no turning it off. Repeating the same action with the
same undesired results was the definition of crazy. Kelly was making her crazy.

Did
he miss her? Think about her? There were no answers. She spent her days in the
gardens or shipping produce back and forth to her store. The only person she
interacted with was her father.

Roy
had hired a new farmhand, a twenty-six year old named Brad. Her father tried
for only a minute to play cupid. She’d seen the farmhand around. He was tall
with kind eyes, but Ashlynn wasn’t interested. Her father seemed to accept her
refusal with a bit of dejection.

She
had advised him to start hiring men he could trust to take over the business someday.
It was simply too much pressure, trying to find a husband and hoping he had
enough farming experience to take over her family’s land. She was living in a
fantasy world and every time reality reared its ugly head another piece of her
died.

Brad
seemed like a good guy. His family owned a plantation in Georgia, but recently
sold off their land to some company that was drilling for natural gas. He
seemed dependable and a natural leader.

One
evening she’d cooked for her father, and Brad had joined them. He seemed
lonely. His manners were impeccable and she was incredibly grateful her father
didn’t push the two into some sort of match.

After
cleaning up the kitchen that night she’d stepped onto the front porch for some
air. The screen door whined behind her and Brad came out. She offered a small
smile, but kept her eyes on the setting sun.

“Thank
you for supper, Ashlynn.”

“You’re
welcome, Brad.”

They
stood beside each other in silence, watching the fiery ball of sun slowly tuck
itself away in the horizon.

Brad
cleared his throat. “Maybe one day I could take you out to dinner.”

Her
eyes shut and she sighed. “That sounds real nice, Brad, but I have to decline.”
She hated seeing the expression on his face.
Where were you a year ago?
“I’m
sorry, but…”

“You
have someone.”

No.
“My heart
belongs to someone.”

He
nodded. “I understand. Maybe we could still be friends.”

She
smiled. “I’d like that. You’re really helping my dad out and I appreciate that
more than you know. I hope we’re friends for a long time.”

After
that, Brad continued to be polite and never asked her out again. She recognized
it for the missed opportunity it was, but couldn’t find the strength to give
away only half of her heart. She wanted all or nothing and by the looks of it,
she was settling for a long road of nothing.

She
was okay with nothing. Nothing was lonely, but it was safe. Nothing didn’t open
new wounds or surprise her with new thrills. There was no disappointment if
nothing was all she ever expected. It was predictable and unchanging. It was
just…nothing.

She
was coming to terms with her nothing love life and limited her crying to
private. Her father often watched her with a world of questions in his eyes,
but thankfully kept them to himself. If she could accept that this was her lot
in life, he’d have to deal with it as well.

She
was Ashlynn Fisher. To the rest of the world she appeared exactly the same as
she’d always been, but deep down she was falling apart. No matter how much she
lied to the world and to herself, she was dying inside. It wasn’t until one
Sunday night, late August that she realized how much she was actually kidding
herself.

She
found herself parked outside of O’Malley’s watching for those long legs and
sharp blue eyes that had haunted her dreams for the last decade. She shouldn’t
be there. This was a terrible idea and dangerous, but she wanted to see him.
Needed to.

There
were only two cars in the lot aside from Kelly’s truck. As she watched the
first leave and then watched Sue climb into her VW and pull away, Ashlynn
withdrew the keys and climbed out of the truck.

She
pulled open the door to the bar and confirmed it was empty. All the stools were
flipped on the counter and the chairs were all stacked on the tables.

“We’re
closed,” Kelly’s voice called from the back.

She
took a deep breath and said, “I was hoping I could get a diet cola.”

A
moment later Kelly appeared, a rag dangling from his fingers and his eyes wide
with surprise. “Ashlynn? What are you doing here?”

Her
lips pressed tight as she wrung her hands. “I don’t know.”

He
tossed the rag and came around the bar, not stopping until he was only a few
inches from her face. “Did something happen?”

She
shook her head, the motion jagged and turning into a nod. “I missed you.”

His
chest lifted as he seemed to process her words. “I missed you too. A lot. Here,
come sit down.”

He
pulled two chairs down from a table and went behind the bar. He made himself a
drink and brought her a diet cola with two cherries floating at the top.
Sitting across from her he took her hand. “How’ve you been, love?”

She
didn’t know what brought her there, only that she knew this was the one place
she wanted to be. “I’ve been miserable.”

His
smile was sad. “Me too.”

Her
lips parted as she met his gaze. “You have?”

He
nodded. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t sleep. I barely eat. I’m
like a bear with a thorn in its paw, but I can’t seem to rip it out.” He
squeezed her hand. “I think about you all the time.”

“You
do?”

“All
the time. Even in my sleep.”

She
smiled. “I think about you too. I try not to, but you’re always there, in the
back of my mind.” How had they come to this point? They didn’t know each other
the way typical couples that dated got to know one another, yet at the same
time she felt Kelly knew her better than anyone and she knew—
really
knew—a side of Kelly most women
missed.

“How
are the rabbits treating you?”

She
chuckled. “The babies are all grown. I trapped a few and released them a few
miles away, but more will come next year. I’m still considering getting a dog
to help keep them away.”

“I
can just see you with your blue prints, setting up some Wiley Coyote Trap.”

She
laughed. “That’s sort of what it was like, minus the anvil.”

“What
else have you been doing? Have you seen the daiquiri?” he asked, looking away.

“No.
I don’t want to be around many people these days.”

“I
noticed.”

She
frowned at him. “Then why did you ask?”

“I
wanted to hear you say it. I’m sort of going through the same thing. Why do you
think that is?”

She
shut her eyes, already feeling her body coming alive in his presence. “I think
I’m going to die a spinster.”

“Don’t
say that.”

She
gave a shaky smile, wishing she could laugh. “It’s true. The men out there are
terrible. I think I made a mistake and somehow waited too long for Mr. Right.”

“You
have to have faith.”

She
snorted. “That’s easy for you to say. You’ve probably had enough company to
start a polygamist compound.” It was a joke, but neither of them laughed.
Quietly, she admitted, “You have no idea how lonely it can get.”

“I
know,” he said softly, “more than you realize. The last time I kissed a woman I
realized I was just filling time, trying to forget the things I was too afraid
to face. None of it mattered, not what she looked like or how she smelled or
what she could do. What I was looking for wasn’t there.
You
weren’t
there. I haven’t been the same since that night.”

She
gasped and stared at him. She didn’t want to talk about that night, but she
needed to grasp what he was saying. “Are you telling the truth?”

He
held up his hand. “Scout’s honor.”

“That’s
not the sign of a Scout’s honor. That means
shockabra
. Surfers use it.”

He
shrugged. “You’re gonna have to trust me on it.”

Her
palms pressed into the table and she whispered, “I don’t know if I want to wait
anymore.”

“Yes,
you do.”

She
shook her head. “What if I’m holding onto something nobody wants? I’ve turned
it into this colossal thing that’s suddenly unachievable.”

“I
want it,” he said in a low voice and she stilled. She wanted him to have it,
but...

“Kelly—”

He
held up his palms. “I’m not asking for it, but I want you to understand it
isn’t worthless.” His head shook again. “All this waiting and holding out,
Ashlynn, it serves a purpose. This is the longest I’ve been celibate since I
gave up my virginity a long time ago. I’m starting to see things a little
clearer. I no longer find the hunt as exciting. Every woman that approaches me
has me drawing comparisons to you and each one comes up short.”

Her
heart raced. His words brought her more to life than she’d been in weeks. The
dead feeling she’d been burdened with for so long faded. She was sick and tired
of fighting so hard to do the right thing when all it did was make her
miserable.

Slowly,
she stood and rounded the table. Kelly followed her every move and she almost
laughed at the slightly terrified expression on his face.

“Ash—”

She
straddled his knees much like she’d done in her kitchen that day so long ago.
“Shh…” Her arms wreathed around his shoulders. Seduction definitely wasn’t a
strong suit of hers. “Just…let me.”

His
firm grip moved to her hips and pulled her close. Her gaze fastened on that
mouth that she loved so much. Perfect, kissable, wicked lips. Lowering her head
she teased his mouth with hers.

His
hands tightened over her sides and he drew in a deep breath, sealing his lips to
hers. Her pulse jumped and she tightened her arms, dragging her fingers through
the back of his hair. Kelly cursed, the word lost on her tongue as he deepened
the kiss.