Chasing Jenna (17 page)

“Hey, Ryan,” I whispered, wiping tears off my cheek.

“Hey,” he said softly. He took a long drink of whatever was in the bottle and wiped his mouth. Turning the cap around on his head he pulled it down low and squeezed the bill.

“You okay?” he asked.

I looked away from him, “I’m not sure.”

He took another drink. His voice was laced with anger this time, “Did he hurt you?”

My chest constricted. He had no idea my misery came from
his
absence, and I wasn’t sure what it would do to him if he did. I wanted so badly to tell him the truth. But I couldn’t, he had too much to lose. My throat tightened, making my voice crack when I responded to him. “Not in the way you think.”

He nodded slightly nodded, thinking he understood.

“What are you doing here?”

He slowly shook his head while taking a quick deep breath, “I really don’t know. I guess I’m kind of lost.”

“You and me both,” I whispered.

“Yep, me and you, best friends – both lost.” He brought the bottle up to his mouth one more time. “Yet somehow we found our way back to each other.”

“I’m sorry you had to see …” He cut me off with a wave of his hand.

“It’s no secret what he does to you, Jen. It’s written all over your face whenever he’s around.” He took another drink from his bottle.

“That’s why…” He pushed himself up.

“That’s why, what?” I asked.

“Nothing, never mind.”

I struggled to my feet, exhausted from everything I’d been through. His gray t-shirt stretched across his body tightly. He lifted his cap, ran his hand over his hair, then pulled it back on. Noticeable swelling under his eyes made my heart ache. His facial hair was longer than the day I’d seen him and Dana on the street – he was a mess. Hiding his face with his cap, he kept his eyes to the ground.

“That’s why, what?” I whispered.

His stance was ridged as he pushed his hands into his pockets. Something inside of me broke loose, a longing for my soul to be reconnected to his. I hesitated, but then rushed to him, sliding my arms around his body. My heart pounded with joy at his closeness. He’d been gone for so long and I missed everything about him. I pressed my cheek up against his chest and took a deep breath, listening to his heartbeat. It was the most beautiful sound in the world.

“Jen,” he whispered as he wrapped his arms around me, “I’ve missed you.” I rested in his comfort as he held me close with one arm and ran the other slowly up and down my back.

“I’ve missed you too,” I cried as I looked up at him.

A tear slipped down his cheek, I brushed it away. With my touch, he closed his eyes, allowing more tears to slide down. He cocooned me in his arms, trying to get as close as possible.

“I’m so sorr ...” I placed a finger across his lips to quiet him. I couldn’t re-hash the mess our lives had become. I just needed to be here with him.

“Hey,” I whispered. He opened his eyes, the tears wetting his long black eyelashes. “It’s going to be okay.” I said. His eyes searched mine for something.

“Is it? Do you really believe that?” He took a step away from me and put both of his hands on his head. His voice weak and pleading, he said, “Because I don’t see this getting any better.”

“What do you mean?”

He dropped his arms to his side dramatically, his face full of pain and confusion. “Do you not understand why I ‘m here? Do you really not know how I feel about you?”

Ryan, I mean, I guess I ...”

His temper flared so quickly I jumped. “You guessed what, Jenna? You guess that since I walked out of this room last time my feelings for you have changed?”

“What are you talking about? You have Dana. You were pretty clear … what was it you said; I needed to ‘move on’ because you clearly had.”

“And you follow Cale around like a love sick teenager. He strings you along and you fall for it every time. Let’s see, does this sound familiar; he rejects you, you throw a fit, he buys you something expensive, and you’re right back to square one. What’s the matter with you? You’re better than that, Jenna. Even if he can’t see it – I know it.”

He turned his back to me and reached for the window. I grabbed for him, pulling on the back of his t-shirt. “Wait one second. Don’t think you can just drop all of this and then leave. Why the hell did you even come here?”

He turned quickly, grabbing my face between his hands. “You’re supposed to be mine.”

He leaned in and touched his lips softly to mine. I melted into him, both physically and emotionally. He was right; I was supposed to be his.

I should’ve pulled away, but didn’t. I wanted to feel needed, loved and all the other things he had promised me. He pulled away from me, searching my eyes for something.

“Ryan,”

“No, please don’t say it; I came here thinking maybe, just maybe. But after seeing you when you got back ...”

His lips were back on mine, soft and caring, nothing like Cale’s.

“I can be what you need tonight, please. Let me take care of you … In every way,” He whispered into my ear. His soft lips traced down my neck as he pressed his hand flat against my back, holding me close to him. “Let me show you with my body how I feel about you in my heart.”

Tears fell from my eyes. I didn’t care what the consequences of our actions would be. I needed relief from this emotional nightmare I’d gotten myself into. This was right – I wanted him as much as he needed me.

I ran my hand under his shirt and against his bare chest, feeling every muscle tighten as my fingertips ran over them. He lifted his arms, allowing me to lift his shirt over his head.

Looking up at him through hooded eyes, I laid my hand over where his heart was and felt the steady beat. He covered my hand with his.

“I need you to know something,” he whispered.

I kissed his chest lightly. He closed his eyes as I ran my hands up his chest. When I got to his shoulders, I ran my fingertips up the back of his neck and pulled him down to me. Our lips were so close I could feel his breath.

“This will change me, Jenna.”

“What do you mean?”

“There will be no one else after you. Even if this is our only night together, for the rest of my life, it will be your face I see.” He pulled me into his chest and held me. “I will give everything up for you.”

My whole body stiffened – it was all crystal clear to me. Being with me meant he would be giving up his place in The Brotherhood. Going against Cale like this, meant everything he’s been waiting for, all of his dreams, would be gone.

That’s the moment I knew I would never be good enough for him either. I pushed down a sob, a half-second before it escaped. I took several steps back away from him, cringing against the sting in my chest.

“Ryan, I can’t do this. I don’t feel that way about you.” The lie singed my lips and burned my soul. I knew what I was doing to him, but it was better this way. His expression turned desperate as he stepped toward me.

“Just try, Jen. I know I’m not Cale, but I can be everything you need – I promise.” He reached for each of my arms and I moved quickly out of his way.

“No,” I yelled. “I don’t want this. Don’t you understand? If I do this with you I can kiss my chance with Cale goodbye.” He looked at me with disbelief.

“What does he have that I don’t? Is it the money, because I have money.”

“No, it’s not that.”

“Then what? I don’t care that you’ve already had sex with Cale. He’s not right for you – I am.”

“What? I have not had sex with him.”

“Well everyone thinks you have so what’s the difference? Just give me a damn reason why you don’t want me.”

Confusion swirling in my head … Of course he thought I was sleeping with Cale. Why wouldn’t he? I acted like I was, and most likely would have tonight if he hadn’t stopped it. But now, I was about to do the same thing to Ryan that Cale had done to me, time and time again – reject him.

“Well that’s just great. The least you can do is give me a reason. Shit, Jenna, tell me you think I’m stupid, or ugly, but say something – you owe me that.”

With a voice laced with hatred I felt for myself, “I don’t owe you anything.”

The room went deadly silent. He walked past me toward the door but stopped just inches from it. His breaths were raspy and labored. Even with his back to me, I could sense all the tension rolling off of him. His shoulders raised and fell erratically and he ran his hand through his hair.

The emotion in this room was so thick it was suffocating me. I felt the finality in what I said and knew this would be the last time I was alone with Ryan.

Nausea racked my body as my mind flooded with every laugh, every touch, and every kiss we’d shared. Tears fell from my eyes and I brushed them away hard, pissed my heart was such a traitor to the act I was trying to put on. The pain was nearly fatal. I needed to be strong for him; I was not about to let him give up everything for me.

When he spoke, my heart ached a little harder at the sound of his pain.

He whispered, “Jenna ... Jenna please. Please don’t hate me.”

I wanted to tell him there was no way I could ever hate him. I wanted to beg forgiveness and wrap my arms around his waist and bury myself in everything that was him. But I didn’t speak a word; I couldn’t bear to hear my own voice even respond to him. I was disgusted with myself. Nothing I could say could make this any better; it would only cause more pain. And there had been enough of that tonight.

“I need something from you.” He laid his head lightly against the door and continued when I didn’t speak.

“Please, ask me to stay – just for tonight. Tomorrow I’ll leave and that will be it. I won’t bother you ever again. But tonight, just let me make love to you like it’s just you and me. Let me hold you like you’re mine, and kiss you like we have every tomorrow ahead of us.” With his head hung low, he turned to me.

“Please Jenna, one word, just ask me to stay and all that I am, will be yours tonight. I will love you with everything I have.”

The dark room closed in around me as I focused on my voice. I needed him to believe this.

“You were right. I am his, even if he doesn’t want me.”

Tears streamed from his beautiful blue eyes and he shook his head in disbelief. “Then what are we?” He pointed back and forth between us. The emotions that swarmed inside of me took over and tears spilled everywhere. My body shook.

“What are we?” he demanded.

“We are nothing!” I screamed. My heart shattered at the sound of my own words. The pain coursed through me in waves.

He steadied himself against the door. His hands curled in fists, but the anger was too much for him. “I can’t believe you!” he shouted. His hands moved so quickly, I only heard the pounding of his fist on the door. I cringed as he smashed his hand over and over, yelling out in a rage the whole time.

I lifted my chin higher in an attempt to look more convincing. The numbness from before washing over me again, but this time it was from my own personal betrayal of my heart.

He marched past me, slid the window open and climbed onto the fire escape.

I turned to face him, pleading, “Please come back inside, you’ve been drinking and if you fall you could get hurt.”

He stood, bracing himself on the window frame, looking back in at me. “Now you’re worried about me? Wow, you’re really something.” He glanced over his shoulder toward the ground. “It couldn’t hurt any more than what just happened in here.” Turning his back to me, he started down the fire escape. “I’m done. Cale can have what’s left of you.”

I crumbled to the floor as soon as he was out of sight. The whole room spun and I welcomed the darkness I had so desperately fought to keep away.

>CHAPTER NINETEEN<

“I’m not sure I can hide the dark circles under your eyes.” Katie dabbed her concealer – covered finger under my eyes one last time as she shook her head at me. “Did you sleep at all?” She knew the answer to that question.

I moved over to the full length mirror she had propped up. My blonde hair was pulled tight and high on my head in a perfectly round bun. A simple string of pearls circled my neck and matched the pearl earrings Katie had picked out. I ran my hands down my sides – straightening the pink fitted bodice of the dress that laid perfectly at my hips, where it met a white and pink striped pleated skirt, which stopped just below my knees.

Slipping my feet into the nude-colored heels that Katie offered, I took one last look in the mirror. I looked nothing like myself – it was perfect.

“You did a great job picking this out, thank you.”

Katie gave me a sad look. “Have you talked to either one of them?”

I shook my head. I didn’t expect to hear from either of them and honestly, I didn’t want to. Cale was too confusing and Ryan was pissed. I was on my own today.

“Maybe you should just skip it. I mean seriously, screw both of them.”

I gathered every ounce of energy I had, “I can’t.” My throat was scratchy and my head pounded from the lack of sleep. I had an internal shaking that started after Ryan left and had not stopped since.

“Well, you look beautiful.”

I glanced down at my dress, running my hands over it again. It was a beautiful dress.

“Your ride will be here in a few minutes.”

She opened the door and turned back toward me. “Are you ready?”

I pulled my shoulders back and walked toward her. She stopped me before I could get out the door.

“I want you to know that this sponsorship does not define you. You are beautiful, smart and an amazing friend. Remember at the end of this day, no matter what happens, you will still be all of those things.”

I hugged her tight. She was the only person in my life that had never wanted or needed anything in return. She loved me for me.

The driver waited outside the dorms. He opened the back door of the car when he saw me coming, “Good evening, Miss Clausen,” he said tipping his hat to me. I slid into the back seat, trying to ignore the chill of the leather seats on my legs.

He shut the door, closing out all noise and surrounding me in silence – I felt completely isolated. Time seemed to slow down as we drove past the other students on campus. I wondered if they had stories like mine – if they were happy and satisfied – or if we were all just trying to escape some part of our lives; with the hope there was something better.