Authors: D. Kelly
I see a flush creep up her cheeks. She immediately pounds her drink, and turns to her friends, telling them they can leave and she’ll meet up with them later. The girls thank me for the drinks and head off to the slots. When Sara turns my way I can see desire flaming in her eyes.
Dave comes back up and brings me another double shot. “Damn, thirty minutes, where does the time go?” Sara shoots him an odd look, but I just laugh as he walks away. Guess I have fifteen minutes left on the clock.
“Mike, I like that you’re honest, so I’ll be honest as well. Here are the ground rules: I don’t need your number, I don’t even need you to remember my name. In fact, I might call you someone
else’s
name and you’re just going to have to be okay with that because old habits die hard. I don’t do anal, I won’t swallow unless it’s a relationship, and I won’t fuck without condoms. Deal?”
Hell yeah, that’s a deal
and
a huge turn on. I’ve never been with a girl who’s this up front. “Deal, let’s go.” I throw a fifty dollar bill down for Dave and nod my head as he looks at me with admiration in his eyes as I walk off with Sara.
Walking to the elevators, I can feel the gin kicking in—definitely not drunk, but hella buzzed and feeling no pain. Sara is a class act, which is a welcome change. She isn’t groping me in the elevator, she’s not trying to hold my hand, and she isn’t trying to make out yet, all of which is fine with me. My room is all the way at the end of the hall. I open the door for her and give her a minute to look around.
“Nice room, Mike. Not every guy splurges on a spa suite.”
Walking up to her from behind, I move her hair out of the way and kiss her neck. “Well, I like to have a nice room to bring the ladies back to. Sometimes they like to clean up after I get them dirty.”
Her body relaxes into mine, and I know I’ve got her right where I want her, so why do I suddenly feel nauseous? I’m sure it will pass. I turn her around and kiss her. Immediately, she thrusts her tongue into my mouth—which isn’t the biggest turn on—but whatever, different strokes for different folks. I back away a little bit and slow the kiss down. Trailing a line of kisses from her jaw line to her ear, nibbling on it just a little bit, I notice that smell. Not a bad smell at all. On the contrary, an all too familiar smell—one that I’ve missed so much, and now the nausea is coming in waves and I can’t hold it back anymore. I run to the bathroom and throw up over and over again.
Sara is standing in the doorway. “Um, Sara, I’m really sorry but I think you better go.”
Looking down at me, she seems pissed. I can’t say I blame her. “Yeah, I think that’s a great idea. You didn’t
seem
drunk, but I hope you are because I don’t need to get the flu. Have a nice night, Mike.”
I hear the door close as I vomit again. Once I’m done emptying the contents of my stomach, I take my clothes off and lie down in bed.
I’m not sick and I’m not drunk, not even close, but the smell of gardenias was too much. How did I not smell it until now? The one weekend I need to have Katherine completely out of my head and away from my heart and she comes slamming back into my life like a hurricane in the form of some damn perfume.
What the fuck?
It all comes rolling back to me and I curl up like a little kid and cry, finally letting it all out again after almost four years. I can feel all the emotions—how much I loved her, how what happened between us broke my heart, and how much I kick myself in the ass daily for ever letting my mom’s doubts consume my mind. I should’ve cooled down and apologized to her. I know I shattered her heart and soul. I was so cruel to her with the ring—taunting her, teasing her. Instead of throwing it in her face, I should’ve dropped to my knees and
begged
her to marry me. I should’ve told her life was too short, especially in light of what happened. I should’ve done a lot of things and I didn’t.
I’m such a fucking dumb ass.
I deserve this pain. I deserve to ache for the one girl who ever loved me, the one I loved with all my heart and soul. I miss her so much. I just want her back. I want
us
back. I’ve spent three years in denial, three long years missing her and acting like a fool. I don’t know if it’s too late, but when I get home I’m going to make some serious changes. I’m going to finally call my mom back, but not until I talk to Katherine, not until I make this right. I have only ever wanted one girl. From the first day I met her in second grade I
knew
I would marry her someday.
When I get home I’ll talk to Daniel; he’ll help me figure this all out. If there’s anyone that won’t judge me it will be him. Daniel already knows how I am with women, he just doesn’t know the reason why. He doesn’t know I just use them to try and forget just for a little while. I don’t let them in—any of them—because my heart isn’t there, not anymore. I gave my heart away in second grade and I’ve never gotten it back. It always has, and always will, be hers to keep.
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