Charlie and the War Against the Grannies (19 page)

Bubu finished her banana skin and carrot peelings basket and immediately started making another one.

Out of ladies' bras.

‘Rashid, I really need your advice. Should I go to war with the Stinkly Wrinklys?'

‘What do you mean you don't want to go to war with the Stinkly Wrinklys?' said Hils.

‘They have naps,' I said.

‘Which means we can catch them napping,' said Hils.

‘There are only two of them.'

‘Warren said nobody knows how many there are,' said Hils.

‘It's not right.'

‘They are preparing for war,' said Hils.

‘We don't know that for sure.'

‘We are not giving up. David never gave up.'

‘Who's David?'

‘David from David and Goliath,' said Hils. ‘You're David. The Stinkly Wrinklys are Goliath.'

‘Goliath didn't have a glass eye,' I said.

‘Maybe he did.'

‘I bet he didn't. If I'm David and the Stinkly Wrinklys are Goliath, who are you?'

‘I'm the rock that hits Goliath in the eye and kills him,' said Hils.

‘Should I be the rock? You can be David,' I said.

‘Negative. I am the rock. We have to go to war,' said Hils.

‘Why?'

‘You want a paper round.'

‘A paper round is not worth going to war for,' I said.

‘Yes, it is.'

‘No, it isn't.'

‘Scared?' said Hils.

‘Am not,' I said.

‘Are so.'

‘Am not.'

‘You're so scared that you urinate in your fatigues,' said Hils.

‘What does that mean?' I said.

‘It means you wee in your pants,' said Hils.

‘Do not.'

‘Lots of wee.'

‘I wee in the toilet where wee is meant to go. I do not wee in my pants.'

‘Do so,' said Hils.

‘Do not.'

‘Do so.'

‘I'd rather be scared than love war,' I said. ‘You love war.'

‘Do not,' said Hils.

‘You love war so much you hold hands with it,' I said.

‘Do not.'

‘You kiss war on the lips,' I said.

‘You are being ridiculous. War doesn't have lips,' said Hils.

‘You wrote war a soppy love poem.'

‘I WOULD NEVER EVER WRITE ANYONE A SOPPY LOVE POEM,' said Hils.

Then she punched me.

Really, very, super hard.

‘I DON'T WRITE POEMS. I start wars,' said Hils.

‘Well I hope you enjoy your war.'

‘I will and when I win,' said Hils, ‘I won't give you a paper round even if you beg for one.'

‘That's just mean.'

‘Being mean is how you win wars.'

‘I hope you lose,' I said.

‘Are you on their side now?' said Hils.

‘Maybe I am.'

‘See you on the battlefield. Don't expect any mercy,' said Hils.

‘That's not very nice.

I'd show you mercy.' ‘I don't want your mercy,' said Hils.

‘Then I won't show you any,' I said.

‘Good.'

‘Good.'

That night I lay in bed and tried to design a new high-tech gadget to put in my secret headquarters but I couldn't.

I felt weird about the fight I'd had with Hils.

I'd never had a fight with Hils before.

I knew I was right about not going to war with the Stinkly Wrinklys, but fighting with Hils had made me feel like I was wrong.

Fighting with Hils was confusing.

And tiring.

That night I had a dream.

I was watching a movie. Some writing came up on the screen:

From the part of the brain that brought you last Wednesday's dream about a gorilla full of Nutella comes a new dream
. . .

The screen went black and ominous music started.

Then on the screen I saw Hils. She was the leader of some sort of rebel force. She was standing in a dark, misty wasteland on top of a big mound of rubble. She was dressed in ripped, dirty army clothes and carried a bazooka that fired rockets filled with rooster brand chilli sauce. Her face was covered in scars. She looked very serious.

She was surrounded by other rebels who were also dressed in ripped, dirty army clothes and whose faces were also covered in scars. They were also very serious.

‘I know this has been a long and terrible war,' said Scar-Faced Hils.

I saw a flash of the war.

It was a war against the Stinkly Wrinklys.

I saw gnashing gnets being twirled.

I saw snot-hardened hankies being thrown.

I heard screaming.

The rebels were losing.

‘This is our last chance,' said Scar-Faced Hils. ‘We must defeat the Stinkly Wrinklys or all is lost. Are you with me?'

‘YES,' shouted all the other serious-looking-scar-faced rebels.

Hils raised her rooster-brand-chilli-sauce-rocket-firing-bazooka.

‘TO VICTORY!' shouted Scar-Faced Hils.

Then I saw the final battle between the serious, scar-faced rebels and the Stinkly Wrinklys.

A gigantic gnashing gnet knocked out half the rebel force in one swipe.

A snot-hardened hanky sliced off a rebel's scarred, serious head.

Very soon Hils was the only rebel left. Stinkly Wrinklys were coming at her from everywhere. She dodged a vicious pinch. She ducked a swinging gnashing gnet. She jumped to avoid a snot-hardened hanky but it hit her right in the bum.

Hils grabbed her bottom and screamed in pain.

‘Quickly, tell us what happens next,' said Rashid.

I was back at Rashid's telling him about the dream. I was sure that he would understand what it meant.

‘I was really high above the city,' I said. ‘The sun was rising. Then I was standing at the end of my street. The neighbours started coming out of their houses to go to work and school and yogalates but they weren't dressed for work and school and yogalates THEY WERE ALL DRESSED LIKE STINKLY WRINKLYS.'

While I was telling Rashid about the dream his Bubu was sitting on her chair weaving a basket out of fingernails.

It was amazing.

And disgusting.

‘All the females were wearing old lady dresses,' I said. ‘All the males had their pants pulled up really high. Everyone was wearing hand-knitted cardigans and brown shoes.

‘Then it was night and I was standing outside my house. I looked inside. There was nothing on the TV except the news and programs where old ladies solve murders. Everyone went to bed at 7.30 and read books about old ladies solving murders. Everyone had false teeth. Everyone had a glass eye.

‘STINKLY WRINKLYS RULED THE WORLD.

‘It was horrible.'

‘Why bring us news of this horrifying vision?' said Rashid.

‘I need to know if you think the Stinkly Wrinklys could really take over the world.'

‘It was a dream. It was not real. It does not show the future.'

‘I didn't want to go to war against someone who had a glass eye, but if they are going to make
me
have a glass eye then maybe war is the only way to stop them,' I said.

‘Calm yourself, good sir. The elderly are weak. We need not fear them.'

Just then we heard a really, very, super loud ripping noise.

It was Rashid's Bubu.

SHE WAS RIPPING UP THE COFFEE TABLE.

She was holding the wooden top of the coffee table between her thumb and forefinger and was ripping it into strips.

‘Are you sure we need not fear them?' I said. ‘Are you sure they are weak?'

Rashid's Bubu finished ripping up the coffee table and started making a basket out of it.

‘Rashid?' I said. ‘Do you think your
Bubu
could rip
us
up like that?'

‘We fear she could,' said Rashid.

‘I think we have to go to war against the Stinkly Wrinklys.'

‘We believe you must.'

‘We'll need your help, Rashid,' I said.

‘We are not sure we wish to become embroiled in a war.'

‘Please, Rashid. Please.'

‘We shall consider your entreaties when we next sit in counsel with our most trusted lords.'

I think he meant the other guys from his rugby team.

‘If you help us you'll need to do some training,' I said. ‘Hils has scheduled a training session for tomorrow afternoon. It's at our secret training location behind the bamboo next to the railway tracks near the zoo.'

Then I had a thought.

‘At least I think training is still happening. Hils and I had a bit of a fight.'

Hils and I had arranged to meet outside Warty Ear's House of Horrible Food (otherwise known as
The Intersection Café
) then go to our secret training area.

We'd never fought before.

I didn't like it. It made me feel bad.

When I saw Hils I would say sorry.

But what if she wasn't waiting for me?

Maybe what I had said about her writing a soppy love poem had made her so mad she'd decided not to meet me?

Maybe she had moved to Ashgabat, the capital of Turkmenistan? I walked down past the Shop That Has Been ‘For Lease' Forever, turned the corner and there she was.

At least I think it was Hils.

She was facing away from me. I could only see her back.

Maybe it wasn't Hils.

Maybe Hils was so mad at me she had sent someone who looked like her to tell me she had moved to Ashgabat, the capital of Turkmenistan.

I walked up behind the might-be-someone-who-looked-like-Hils-or-might-actually-be-Hils.

‘Hils?' I said.

The-might-be-someone-who-looked-like-Hils-or-might-actually-be-Hils turned around.

It was Hils.

‘I'm sorry,' I said.

‘I'm sorry too,' said Hils.

‘Rashid's probably already there,' I said to Hils as we pushed through the bamboo that led to our secret training area.

We squeezed out of the bamboo.

Rashid wasn't there.

There was someone there though.

Someone who wasn't meant to be there. Lots of someones who weren't meant to be there.

The someones were Stinkly Wrinklys.

Lots of Stinkly Wrinklys.

We'd been ambushed.

My stomach got all hot and I felt like I was going to be sick.

I looked over at Hils.

She started laughing.

Oh no.

Hils only started laughing when something had gone really, very, super wrong. I don't know why she did it. She just did.

‘There are more than three of them,' I said.

Hils looked around.

‘I put the number of enemy combatants at approximately forty,' said Hils.

‘That is more than three,' I said.

‘Affirmative.'

‘Run.'

‘Affirmative.'

Before we could run anywhere the Stinkly Wrinklys formed a circle around us.

We were trapped.

Mrs Cyclopolos and The Skrink stepped forward.

The Skrink was hiding something behind her back.

I dropped to my knees and covered my eyes.

When I didn't get squirted with rooster brand chilli sauce I opened my eyes.

From behind her back The Skrink pulled out my bike.

She had Del Zarzosa Soy Yo The Sabre.

‘You stole my bike,' I said.

The Skrink didn't say anything.

The Skrink placed The Sabre on the ground in front of her.

‘How did you get my bike here?' I said. ‘Did you ride it? Did you put the seat up? If you did, you had better have put it down again. It's very rude to change the height of someone's seat and then not change it back.'

The Skrink didn't say anything.

She looked at Del Zarzosa Soy Yo The Sabre. Then she looked at me. Then raised her pinching fingers high in the air.

‘Hoo haa,' shouted all the other Stinkly Wrinklys.

Then The Skrink pinched the middle of my bike and MY BIKE SNAPPED IN TWO!

I was shocked.

I was furious.

I was horrified.

I was terrified.

I was laughing.

I was laughing?

I watched, frozen to the spot, laughing as The Skrink kept pinching my bike until The Sabre had been pinched into hundreds of tiny pieces.

‘Hoo haa,' shouted all the Stinkly Wrinklys.