Cautionary Tales (29 page)

“Not yet. This time I'll do the seductive kiss.”

“But—”

She cut him off with the kiss. His whole body reacted with the power of it. His arms clasped her involuntarily and his desire seemed overwhelming.

But he fought it off. “I wish—oh how I wish!” he gasped. “But I mustn't. I promised to return you, and I must not break my word.”

She frowned, her anger flaring. “You're a fool.”

“Yeah,” he agreed miserably.

“Then put me down on the floor inside the castle and let go.”

He stepped through the gate, holding her. “I hope the Sorceress gives you freedom at last, so you can be happy.” His eyes were burning with tears. “I love you, Pip. Even when you're mad at me.” Then with a superhuman effort he put her down and let go. He felt as if his universe were imploding.

But the doll did not reappear. Epiphany continued to stand there, untouched.

He blinked, trying to clear his vision, but the doll was not there. “I don't understand.”

“Tumble, it is time for you to know the rest of it,” Epiphany said. “The trial is over. You have succeeded in doing your duty. I am more than satisfied.”

“Why haven't you changed?”

“Tumble, you said you love me. Would you still love me if I were more than a magic doll?”

The truth was easy. “Yes!”

“Considerably more?”

“Yes. But—”

“I
am
more. I am the Sorceress.”

He was amazed. “You? But—”

“I assumed the doll form so I could anonymously get to know different men. Between-times, while the doll slept, I handled my regular business, alone. I like you, Tumble. Like you a lot. I believe I will marry you.”

“But I'm not handsome, strong, smart, or rich! I haven't even finished cleaning out the attic.”

“I can grant you all these things, in abundance.” She smiled briefly. “I'll even help you with the attic. But here's the point: What I can't magically give a man is integrity. You are the first in a century to actually turn in the living doll.” She stepped up to him, taking him by the shoulders, gazing into his eyes. “I know I can trust you, Tumble. You will do the right thing regardless of temptations or threats. That's what truly counts.”

“But—”

“Tumble, it's been a long dry spell. I have decades of passion backed up. I never got enough from the doll, though I relished what I did get. I simply had to find the right man. You are that man. Please, come to my bedroom. I promise to do the right thing by you, after. I will always look exactly as I do now, unless you come to prefer a change, and will always do my best to make you happy. I have potency spells galore if you ever need them. Your mother will be pleased to see you gainfully married. We'll tour the world. We'll help all your villagers. We'll have children, a loving family. We'll make Bleak Mountain beautiful. Anything you want, as I know you won't abuse it. But right now I just have to make love to you. It's all right, now that you know me and we have a relationship. I'm on the verge of loving you, in my fashion, and that is an extremely rare and wonderful thing for me.” She brought her lovely face closer. “Please.”

He could not get a handle on his feelings. “But—”

She frowned prettily. “Unless you have a thing against older women?”

“No! I don't care how old you are. I love you! It's just so much, so sudden. You were just a doll in the attic. Now you're—”

“A woman almost in love.”

“Mother would be wary of my taking up with a—a strange woman.”

Her pupils came to resemble the fiery mouths of two volcanoes. “Not half as wary as she would be of an angry Sorceress.”

He was alarmed, knowing her power. “Please don't hurt my mother!”

She was instantly contrite. The pupils became two placid love pools. “I wouldn't think of it, dear. I'm just saying that I'm sure she will be reasonable.”

“I—I can't tell you no. But I don't know what to do. I have no experience. I'd be clumsy. I don't want to—to turn you off.”

“Fortunately I have experience also, in quantity. I will guide you.” She took a breath. “Tumble, I have proposed marriage to you. Do you accept?”

What could he do? He was overflowing with desire for her, and sex was only part of it. “Yes. If it's the right thing.”

She smiled. “It's the right thing, Tumble, and it's only the beginning.” Then she kissed him, and won him, completely.

Note:
I wrote this on request in August 2011 and it was published in March 2012 in
Attic Toys.
The requirement was simply that the story relate to something found in an attic. I have a huge file of ideas that I summarize and save for when needed, and I delved into this and found this idea of an artifact that needed to be returned to a Sorceress. An item that is more than it seems. It came together nicely, and this is one of my favorite stories of this volume, vying with “Juliet.” I love the way the Sorceress tempts Tumble, and the way he unknowingly wins her by his honesty and appreciation for ordinary things, like maybe flowers for Bleak Mountain. I like the way the pupils of her eyes show her moods, whether volcanoes or love pools. Not that the average reader will notice; some details are simply because I like them.

Caution: religion

19. Religion

I am agnostic, with no belief in the supernatural. When they first told me about how Santa Claus flew through the air and delivered presents to every child on Earth on the same night, I was skeptical: No Way. Then they told me about God, sitting on the edge of a cloud, looking down, pointing to different folk to select which ones would go to Heaven and which to Hell. I was similarly skeptical. That was the beginning of a lifelong disbelief; I never joined any religion. Today I am a Humanist, which I regard not as a religion but as a sensible philosophy of life. But it's a matter of definition. If you define God to be Truth, Honor, Beauty, Decency, Love, Intelligence, Empathy, and Realism, then you can say I believe. But I see little evidence that religious folk define God in that manner, or even practice the tenets of their own holy books. Rich Christian conservatives do not give all their money to the poor as Jesus recommended; devout Muslims do not practice tolerance; practitioners of the great Asian religions do not eschew war. I am a vegetarian because I don't like hurting animals; how many religious folk follow the “Thou shalt not kill” commandment, even if it is limited to people? None who support war, abortion, or the death penalty. How could any religion ever justify the horrors of the Inquisition? So I am uncertain whether religion is a net benefit to mankind. I'm not against religion; I have been married to a minister's daughter 55 years. I am merely in doubt. But I do dislike the way God is put on our currency, in the Pledge of Allegiance, and in legal oaths; these are supposed to be civil, not religious matters.

What religion, then, do I think should be taught in schools? My answer is simple: all of them. Children should be exposed to the essential tenets of every major religion and many of the minor ones, objectively presented by people who do not belong to the religions they describe. Then adherents of those religions should also be invited to express their beliefs to classes of children. Yes, including atheism and voodoo and even the Flying Spaghetti Monster. In this manner students can form their own opinions, based on information rather than prejudice. Then, responsibly educated, they can choose a religion to join, or none. The separation of church from state should also be taught: many today do not know that America is a secular nation, not a Christian one.

Note:
I was asked to contribute to a volume of opinions: What religion, if any, should be taught in schools? This is my answer. It is perhaps my favorite essay of this volume.

Caution: this torpedoes Xanth

20. Adult Conspiracy

He was lovely. She was handsome. They made a nice couple in the magic land of Xanth. They embraced. Then they did something naughty. How had all this come about?

Esk Ogre had found Bria Brassie when she was lost, and the brass girl had taken a shine to him despite his fleshly nature and occasionally ogreish temper. So she married him, and impressed on him just how soft she could make herself be, when she chose. Since it was a warm day, she took off her clothing, consisting mainly of brass panties and a brassiere, so she could better demonstrate her softness.

This had an odd effect on Esk: the softer and cooler her body became, the harder and hotter his became, until she realized that there was nothing for it but to soften him before he got so metal hard as to be unable to function. She had not married him, after all, to turn him into a brassie man. She removed his clothing, but somehow he just stared at her and got even more so. She realized that a stronger measure was required. So she took his hardest part and put it into her softest part, as deeply as possible, and gave him her coolest, wettest kiss. “I love you,” she said softly.

The result was dismayingly explosive. But after a moment she realized that he had not gotten so hot as to melt away; only part of him had dissolved, while the rest had merely softened. That was a relief!

Steam formed above them, swirling into a pattern. Bria realized that the heat of Esk's explosion, though muffled by her metallic coolness, had caused a magic Ellipsis to form: three glowing dots. The dots hovered only long enough to verify that it was time to signal the stork. They took a reading on the two people, classifying them by species and type. Then they took off, forging across the Land of Xanth through field and forest, o'er hill and dale, and all that, until they reached the top secret Stork Works. They could not enter that dread fastness, for this was the ultimate bastion of the Adult Conspiracy. No one was allowed to know what went on inside. Instead they struck the order receipt antenna and delivered their information: identical twins, hard and soft, male and female. Then, their mission completed, the dots faded out.

A screen lit. Specifications flowed across it, defining the genome.

SPECIES: Human
NUMBER: Two
GENDER: Male/Female

And on, in a torrent of information only a machine could assimilate: tissue and blood types, neuro-electric parameters, chemical composition, metabolism, magic talent, everything. All coded at the outset, together with permissible deviance from the norm. Soon the model genome was formed: the specification.

Had there been any animate intelligence present, it would have been amazed. Identical twins of different sexes? That must have been Xanth's hardest and softest coupling! But there was no such intelligence, so there was no question. The number and gender information was merely noted.

Now the machinery addressed the living component. An impulse traveled through the network, bypassing the assorted entries for mouse, sparrow, goldfish, toad, lizard and the like, until stopping at the cage labeled HUMAN FEMALE.

In that hutch lay a naked woman. There was a tube for water and a dish for food; her wastes passed through the mesh floor to enter the sewer pit. The odor was intense. She screamed as the clamps came down on her arms, legs and torso. She tried to escape, but the cage was so small it was impossible. She was pinned down as a beam of light played across her abdomen. A nozzle squirted an antiseptic solution. She screamed again as the needle came down and plunged into her belly, and once more as it penetrated her left ovary and extracted one unripe egg cell. Then the needle withdrew with its burden, and the clamps released. The woman's screams subsided as she dabbed at the bit of blood leaking from the puncture wound. She knew that the torture was over for now; it might be as long as two days before the next extraction was made. That was all she lived for: a day or so of respite. When her supply of usable eggs was depleted, she would be disposed of, and a fresh new brood woman installed.

The egg was piped to the central gene-splicing laboratory, where it was microscopically examined. A precise electronic surgery adjusted the genes of its chromosomes in rapid order, making them match those of the model genome.

Meanwhile the impulse stopped at the cage of a naked man. He tried to fight as the clamps caught him, but they were far too strong. They bent him over the milking stand as the beam of light and disinfectant came. A suction sheath closed about his dangling penis. A prod slid into his anus, locked onto his prostate gland, and squeezed. A small jolt of current made the gland convulse, forcing seminal fluid down the urethra and into the sheath. Then the prod and cup withdrew and the clamps released. He was done, for now.

The seminal fluid was centrifuged and its sperm cells separated. They were conducted to the laboratory where the genes were adjusted to conform to the specification. Then the sperm cell whose conformance was greatest was conducted to the holding spot for forced union with the egg cell. The gametes merged and the zygote formed. It was reviewed and found to be in conformance to the specification. It was ready for implantation in a host body. Right after being micro-surgically cleaved into twain, and the sex of the better half changed.

Lea had almost given up looking for the kind of job she wanted: well paying, easy, exciting, and limited to a year or so. She had just graduated from high school and wanted some fun before settling down to the grind of higher education, marriage and family. Then she saw the ad:

NANNY: WELL PAYING, EASY, EXCITING. MUST BE AGE 18-24, HEALTHY, WILLING TO RELOCATE. ONE YEAR EMPLOYMENT. NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY. CALL 555-9268 EXT 4.

That was it! Lea was going-on-eighteen, healthy, and without experience. She was willing to relocate, especially if that meant traveling. Like maybe on a fancy yacht, taking care of Lord Bilgerberger's four-year-old kid while he and the missus visited the dowager queen. In her time off she could tour the great cities of the world whose ports the yacht visited. Well, maybe it wouldn't be quite that exciting, but still, it looked like her ideal job.