Different answers to Brodie’s question went through Riley’s head in quick succession. The easiest thing to do would be lie to Brodie and agree to his suggestion, blame his current state on a big night out. Or he could say he wasn’t feeling well, but then Brodie would mention it to Caitlin, and his sister would be all over him fussing and worrying. There was the option of taking Brodie up on his previous offer to talk to him and telling him about Cassie. Riley just wasn’t sure he could bear to see the disappointment in Brodie’s eyes after he explained his feelings. That he held such violence inside him.
But what if Brodie could help? The man had not let him down yet and God knew he needed someone to talk to. This problem with Cassie was not getting any better. Distance and time had not changed the way Riley felt about her. Maybe Brodie could suggest a way of controlling this obsession, a way to focus on something else. Was it worth the risk of losing face with the man who had done so much for him?
“Riley, I can tell you are struggling with something. Why won’t you let me help you? We’re family. The people you’re supposed to call on when something is troubling you. I might be your boss, but you are like a son to me and that will always come first. I’ve always tried to be there for you. Talk to me, Riley, please.”
Every word Brodie had spoken was true, exactly what Riley had just been mulling over. They were family and maybe he needed to trust them. Caitlin and Brodie loved him, he knew that, and that would not change even when they found out what a terrible person he had become. The things he had done. The way he had treated poor Cassie.
“I need your help, Brodie. I’m scared I’m turning into the same sort of dangerous freak that attacked Mandy.” Even to his own ears Riley could hear the desperation in his voice. The words just blurted out from him and, in speaking them, Riley was swamped with a sense of dread. For so long he had been living with his secret, trying to keep it buried deep inside him, hidden from the world. But now it was out in the open, memories rising back to the surface, the reasons behind why he believed he was the same type of person as that bastard that hurt Mandy. His skin crawled.
To Riley’s great relief, Brodie’s facial expression had not yet changed in response to the grave admission. So far there was no look of revulsion showing in the features of the man Riley admired so very much. Brodie shut the office door then turned back slowly to take a seat in the chair opposite his own. The desk and Riley’s words were all that was standing between them.
“That is a serious statement, son. One I find very hard to come to terms with. Why don’t we start from the beginning? There must be a beginning to this story to have you so convinced you are someone capable of such a thing.” Brodie’s voice was calm, but there was an underlying tone of worry as well.
So Riley told Brodie of that night and how it had all come about. His fear of not being man enough for Cassie leading him down the path he was not keen to go. He tried to explain the depths of his anger towards Mike, the jealousy he’d felt when the man had touched Cassie and how he had wanted to do him harm. How the only way he could think of keeping Cassie safe from his own obsession with her was to move away, finish his university degree in another state. How hard he’d tried to forget about her and move on but how hopeless that attempt had been because once he’d seen her again all he wanted was to have Cassie back in his life once more.
Riley spoke about how much he loved being around Cassie, how much he enjoyed hearing her laugh and making her happy. He even went so far as to describe how wonderful he felt after they had made love. How he’d spent nights just taking comfort in holding her in his arms.
Brodie made no movement while Riley purged his troubles. He sat still, listening, no emotion showing to give Riley any clue as to what he was thinking. That immediately changed, though, when Riley spoke of his fear of becoming a stalker, hurting Cassie like Mandy had been hurt, of the nightmares he had suffered since witnessing that attack. Brodie sighed and rubbed his hand over his mouth. Riley felt like Brodie was trying to stall for time, work out what to say in response to such a horrible story.
“I’m sorry, Riley, I have let you down,” Brodie said, much to Riley’s surprise, not expecting those to be the first words out of Brodie’s mouth. “I didn’t take into account how much an eleven-year-old would be affected by such violence. I take responsibility for that and we will deal with that together.” Brodie continued, “But first I want you to answer something for me. I want you to think about my question and give me an honest opinion. I promise you nothing you say will change the fact that we are friends.”
Brodie paused for a moment and Riley waited nervously for the question about to be asked.
“Did you ever think about physically abusing Cassie? Hurting her? Did you visualise such a thing at any time when you were jealous and angry, or feeling violent?”
“Of course not!” Riley replied quickly. “I’d never touch Cassie in anger. But I wanted to stop other men from touching her. I wanted to keep her for myself. Felt like locking her away so she would only be mine. Those thoughts are not right, Brodie. I shouldn’t feel like that. I can’t own Cassie—that’s why I kept away, to protect her.”
Riley was shaking, his chest felt so tight. This whole confession was taking a toll on him, adding to the tiredness from such a sleepless night. He just wanted to stop feeling like this. Seeing the smile that appeared on Brodie’s face was very unexpected.
“So what you’re telling me is that you don’t like other men touching the woman you love? You do love her, Riley, am I right?”
Riley thought about that question for a moment. Yes, he did love Cassie—that was half the problem—he had not wanted to lose her by telling her that. For fear she would laugh at the idea that a man of eighteen could possibly know what love was. But Riley was convinced then and he was still sure now. What he felt for Cassie was love. Thus the need to protect her. Let her go and find someone more deserving. He wanted Cassie to be happy with someone—even if he could not be that person.
So Riley answered, “Yes, Brodie, I love Cassie just as much now as I did back then. It’s why I need help. I have to stay away from her. I can’t stand the thought of her being with anyone else, but I want her to find that person and be happy. God, it’s so damn hard.”
“You better believe it, son. A woman just gets under your skin and you can’t stop that itch. Does Cassie have any idea how you feel about her?”
“Of course not,” Riley’s answering tone an indication of how ridiculous a question it was. “Like she would have taken me seriously at eighteen. Probably would have kicked me right out her door.”
“This is the first time in this whole conversation where I’ve felt like boxing your ears, Riley Walters. How the hell do you know that’s what the girl would have done? I know Cassandra Davies very well and she strikes me as a very nice young woman. I remember the two of you spending time together. You went out for, what, a year? Do you really think that if she wasn’t interested in a relationship with you, she would have kept you around that long? Every bloody single footy player under thirty was sniffing around that lass and yet she always went home with you, until that night you all had a brain explosion. I tell you now there is no way I could share your sister with another bloke. Rip the bloody head off any man that tried.”
“How the hell was I supposed to know? She never said anything to me,” Riley blurted out. He hadn’t ever thought about it from that angle and there was the shock over Brodie’s violent declaration.
“You didn’t say anything to her. Why should she have said something to you? Seriously, you young people could learn a lot by just communicating with one another. And I’m not talking Facebook and Twitter.”
Brodie tapped his finger on the desk in front of Riley. “This is my take on the situation at hand. You fell in love but were not man enough to let the woman know, then you made a bad choice and thought you could handle some bloke touching her. Nope”—Brodie shook his head side to side—“not likely to work in most relationships. Just like the average Neanderthal, poor male, you want your woman to yourself. Trust me in this, Riley, there is not a man I know that would want his woman touched by another. I know some people are into that sort of thing, and I have to admit I’ve been invited to participate in similar situations as yours, way before I met and fell in love with your sister. I was never that interested. Call me old-fashioned but I just can’t come to terms with the fact that people who are truly in love would ever share that special closeness with another. Your reactions were maybe a bit over the top, but I think you have them confused with the actions of a sick man. You love Cassie. Mandy’s ex did not love her, he just didn’t want to lose to another man. He hurt her repeatedly while they were together, yet you say you have never once wanted to hurt Cassie. In fact, you are putting yourself through all this angst to protect her. That mongrel was thinking of his ego more than anything else when he attacked Mandy. He would have killed her rather than let her be happy. Does that really sound like what you want? No, of course not, and if you have any doubts about that whole horrible episode go and talk with Mandy yourself. Let her tell you what the reasoning was behind that maggot’s actions. Ask JT how he would react if a man made a move on his wife.
“That aside, I still think we need to sort out the effect this has had on you, maybe find you someone more experienced in this sort of trauma to help you get it sorted out in your head.”
Absorbing everything Brodie had told Riley, he felt the weight of years of worry start to lift and the constriction he had been feeling in his chest eased. Could Brodie be right?
Am I really just feeling like that of a man in love, same as JT and Brodie? Is it something common, a jealous reaction that others have felt? Am I just some shmuck who couldn’t voice his own emotions and made a hash of everything? Have I been so influenced by my own memories and fears that I jumped to the wrong conclusions?
It was true Riley would never lay a hand on Cassie—the idea had never entered his head. All his thoughts of rage—his anger—had been directed at Mike and only Mike.
So many questions, but the biggest and most glaring of all was what should he do now? Riley was starting to feel hope. Maybe he and Cassie did have a chance. He reflected back on the events of the previous night.
Her kiss, it seemed genuine.
Then Riley remembered Cassie’s words, “
You didn’t do anything I wasn’t wanting, Riley. I’ve dreamt of kissing you, touching you again, many times. Did you feel me pull away?”
His groan was loud—the sound bouncing around his office and back to his own ears. He had been such an idiot. Cassie had admitted to thinking about him, dreaming of him and he had pushed her away.
“What should I do?” The question was more of a plea for advice, to the man who had helped him again and who had always been there for him.
If anyone would know the answer, Riley was confident Brodie would.
“Hmm that is entirely in your court. First you need to have that conversation with Cassie, see if she still feels something for you. Then you take it from there. But you will have to man up and take whatever her decision is regarding the future on your chin, kiddo! My advice? Grovel. A lot!”
Chapter Ten
It had been a very long day and Cassie was relieved to be home. After making a cup of tea, she sat herself down at her computer and put stage one of her plan for the future into action. She typed the words ‘online dating’ into a search engine and waited for the results.
They all sound so corny, am I really going to do this?
she asked herself as she read the site names—eLove-online, Truelovesearch, DestinyAwaits, True Romance.
Yes you are. Just pick one already.
So Cassie did.
Filling in the profile information, her likes and dislikes, what she was looking for in a partner was tough, but the hardest section of all was the part where she had to describe herself. The words ‘hopelessly infatuated with an arsehole’ probably weren’t a good way to begin. So, after reading through some of the other ads already posted, she went with the direct approach.
Blonde, blue-eyed, professional woman, under thirty. Average height, healthy, no children, living in Sydney.
Her profile page took a bit more thought. This would be where any prospective ‘date’ would be able to see the picture she uploaded and what sort of man she hoped to find.
Hi, my name’s CassD,
Searching for the right man to spend quality time with—in the hope of building something long term. I’m tired of not knowing where I stand and wasting time on losers. Living an active healthy lifestyle, I enjoy watching sport, especially rugby league, going to the movies or just curling up on the sofa with that special person sharing the newspaper.
Not into anything kinky and weirdoes need not reply. Honest, open men only. No redheads.
Reading back over what she’d written Cassie was not optimistic at her chances of finding that special person. Her ad didn’t really inspire her, let alone some random guy.
At least I tried
, she consoled herself as she sat back and waited for her profile to load onto the site’s mainframe. She wasn’t really expecting any responses, her requirements for suitable matches being quite extensive. Probably should have left out the red hair bit and the reference to dating losers.
Too late now, it’s gone live
. With a final shake of her head, Cassie was about to log out of the website and turn off the computer, just as her phone began to ring.
“Hello, this is Cassie.”
“Hey, hon, how are you going?”
“Hey, Pip, glad to be talking to my BFF if you must know.”
Pippa chuckled. “BFF, yep you know it, Cass. Just as well too, cause I was hoping you might like some company. Mitch has got some function on tonight, stupid men only affair, wouldn’t want any little ole woman-folk spoiling the proceedings…”
Cassie could tell, having known Pippa for so long, that she was joking and, hearing the muffled sounds of Mitch apologising to her in the background, that Pippa was doing a good job of winding up her poor hubby.