Carter (8 page)

“Yeah, it’s a pretty weird car, huh?”

“Freaking weird is an understatement. I feel like I’ve been swallowed by a zebra.”

“Crazy things make for wicked memories. You’ll look back at this fondly one day, I’m sure.”

We stared at the interior once more before we burst into laughter. I ran my hands over the seat covers. The fabric was soft and it was pretty clean, I guess. He was right. This would definitely be looked back on in the future quite fondly.

I turned my face to his after I was done exploring the vehicle and waited expectantly for that kiss I had demanded. He just stared at me, hesitating as he took in my lips with thoughtful eyes.

“Leah,” he started quietly, “I’m not a relationship kind of guy. You’ve always known that.”

Heart failure. “But you asked me to be with you.”

“I know, it’s just…” he sighed and ran a hand through his shaggy hair. “I don’t want to fuck up our friendship. Some days it’s all I have and I can’t stand the thought of being responsible for hurting you.”

You’ve already hurt me.
“You won’t hurt me.”

“Yes, I will,” he said with conviction. “That’s just how I’m wired, Leah. I’m a fucking disaster and I’ll take you down with me if you expect me to give you all of me.”

Knifed right in the chest. “You’re not a disaster, Carter. Besides, you can’t try and convince me not to want you. I’m old enough to decide for myself what I want, and it’s you. Let’s just see how it goes. We don’t have to call ourselves anything. We’ll still be friends and a little more. I know you want that.”

Yeah, he did. It was written on his face. He wanted to kiss me again, but he truly believed he wasn’t good for me. I shouldn’t have said what I did. I was being selfish, pushing him past his limits for my own needs. I’m telling you right now love is a dangerous and complicated thing. It destroys logic and shuts away the whispering voice inside your head warning you of the damage to come. Even then I knew it was going to be all my fault if he pushed me away later on. I would be nursing a devastated heart and have nobody to blame but myself.

Yet… I just didn’t care. I was too obsessed with having him in any way I could get him. If I pushed him to just
try
and be with me, maybe he would want it as much as me. Maybe whatever was holding him back would go away.

“Are you offering me a friends with benefits type of relationship?” he wondered aloud.

I hesitated a moment. The term made me cringe, but I swallowed and nodded anyway. “Sure. If that’s what you want.”

“Are you sure about this?” he suddenly asked, looking over every inch of my face, trying to discern me when he should have known I’d spent the last seven years of my life fighting to hide my hurt.

“I’m sure,” I answered with a tentative smile. “Give me more.”

And that was all it took for him to bridge the gap. Without reservation, he kissed me again, harder than before and without restraint. He climbed back over me, grabbing at my legs this time to spread them apart.

“If it’s too much, tell me to stop,” he panted in between our kisses. “I’m not going to push you, Angel.”

I nodded against his lips as he ravaged me. His hands roamed my body and my own grabbed at his jacket, pulling it off of him. He aimlessly threw it somewhere and grabbed at my hoodie. It disappeared too. With his body pressed against mine, I wasn’t cold. On the contrary, it was burning beneath him, seeking more of his touch until it felt like I would combust. Our heavy breaths fogged up the car windows making the streetlights look like smears of light inside.

I surprised myself with the noises that came out of my mouth when he grinded between my legs. Delicious sparks shot up inside of me, making my legs clench him tightly to me. I was tingling everywhere, and I grabbed at his shirt and threw it off. My hands roamed his hard chest and the second they inched down to his abdomen, along where his V teased me for more, Carter grabbed them and forced them away from his zipper.

“No,” he whispered against my mouth. “Not like this, Leah.”

“Yes, like this,” I pleaded. “Please. I really want this, Carter. I always wanted this with you.”

I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was horny, if we were going to be a hundred thousand percent honest. Something about him made my inhibitions disappear. He didn’t have condoms and I wasn’t on birth control. I was playing with fire, and I didn’t want to end up burned, homeless
and
knocked up. But at the time it seemed reasonable. In that split second, with the throbbing between my legs begging for friction, I rationalized I most likely wouldn’t end up pregnant. And besides, the world would go on.

The world always went on.

So yeah, I pleaded, and giving a man that was also horny that power to choose must have been absolute agony for him. It was totally irresponsible of me. I would learn to appreciate it later on, but when he moved off of me yet again, I felt nothing short of resentment.

To me it felt like he had rejected me. Like once again I was thrown to the wayside. How could he turn me down? Didn’t he care how foolish and humiliated I’d feel?

All those unnecessary emotions swirled inside of me like a tornado, shattering my hope into a million little pieces.

“No,” he simply said softly, giving my ear a kiss. “I’m not going to take you like this, Angel.”

I didn’t respond for some time. I stiffened when he pulled me closer against his side, spooning me again, but eventually his warmth seeped into my bones and I relaxed to the feel of him. He continued kissing me on the side of my face, waiting for me to turn my head to him. It took me a few moments to let go of my anger. I turned my face to him and kissed him. The kiss was languid and deep. It worsened the need between my legs, and I might have cried if I didn’t feel his hand inching below my shirt.

I was flushed and shaking, and in my mind I kept pleading for him to do something to me.
Anything.
I just wanted that ache gone.

His hand skirted along my stomach and toward the edge of my pants. He unbuttoned them and slid his hand inside. My eyes shut tighter, my mouth opened, barely kissing him now as he distracted me with the pressure of his hand where I needed him the most.

“This will make it better, yeah?” he whispered against my mouth.

I nodded.

He gently rubbed me, gliding his fingers skilfully along my clit. I bucked into him, my ass pressing against his jeans. He was rock hard and it didn’t get any better as I continued to press into him. He cursed, dropping his head between my neck and shoulder. I felt his hot breaths and random licks.

The feeling was so intense, and he prolonged my release, fingering me like a goddamn master. I didn’t think someone could give me this kind of pleasure without knowing my body first. But he seemed to excel at anything when it came to those dexterous hands.

He sucked my neck hard and sped up the movements, stroking my wet folds before teasingly pressing into me with his finger. I moaned, completely uncaring of how loud I was as the feeling tore through my being, so unbelievably strong and hard, I was shaking uncontrollably, moving my hips against him as I rode it out.

My ears were ringing, my body sagged, and my vision was slightly spotty. I blinked a few times, barely registering his feather-light kisses against my cheek before he removed his hand and wrapped his arm around me. Aside from the rain still blasting against the car, the silence within was heavy. I felt its weight and wondered what to say to dispel it.

“Thank you,” I weakly muttered, feeling a little embarrassed by how desperate I was for him several moments ago. God, had I no shame?

“For what, Leah?” he asked softly.

“For…” For what really? “For…
fingering
me, I guess.” And not deciding to stick your dick inside me without protection, because that would have been stupid.

I felt his chest vibrate lightly with laughter. “Anytime.”

I smiled a little. My cheeks were crimson, and I was still on a high after that massive wave of pleasure. Jesus, I didn’t think it could feel
that
good coming from somebody else.

“No one’s ever done that to you, right?” he then asked curiously. He tried to play it off like it was casual conversation, but I knew he really needed to know.

“No,” I answered.

“Good.”

“Hopefully it’s just you from now on,” I added, hinting that I truly wanted more.

I felt him nod and mutter a weak, “Yeah,” before he went quiet altogether.

I didn’t like the quiet response in him, and I suddenly questioned if we were going to go back to before. Like my first kiss, something that had played in my mind every spare moment.

Did Carter care for me like I did for him? Was this just temporary? I couldn’t handle the thought, so I cast it aside and closed my eyes. Unfortunately, I wasn’t very successful.

You’re not going to win this.
A tiny voice in me whispered with heartbreaking clarity.
You can’t win a game of unrequited love.

Carter

Black and white
The surroundings of our first real kiss, that night

runs through my memory like a stream.

And fuck, I’d wrap you up if I could,
lay your gentle heart in my hand
and give you all you deserve.

Black and white,

The contrast in us like day and night
you were the picture of purity; the light in my dark.

And fuck, I’d wrap you up if I could,

lay your gentle heart in my hand

and give you all you deserve.

*

Wanting a little more.

Like a fucking hungry puppy.             

I was a fucking idiot.

Unprepared. Uncaring.

I knew, deep down, where this was going to lead.

That was the third strike against me.

Well, this was awkward.

We were all sitting in the impressive dining room that belonged to the Myers family.

Carter and Rome were on the verge of fighting, Rome’s parents were staring at me like I was some stray cat in need of shelter, while simultaneously glaring at Carter like he was a fly in need of swatting, and I was just sitting there trying to buy their welcome, with the sad look of a recently homeless eighteen year old girl.

Maybe turning to Rome wasn’t such a good idea. I mean, the tension was almost unbearable. He and Carter never met eye to eye; it was more eye
for
an eye if anything when it came to them. I didn’t get the hatred. Maybe it was just a guy thing. Rome was almost as big as Carter, so perhaps one needed to out-alpha the other or something.

I started this awesomely painful situation off with a plea. “We were just hoping for a place to crash for a couple days.”

Blank stares.

“Or a day even, if a couple days isn’t possible.”

More blank stares.

“Hell, just a few hours would do.”

Christ, being a beggar was hard stuff.

Rome’s mother, Marlena Myers, finally broke with emotion. She smiled kindly at me, easing me immediately with her warmth. “Oh, Leah, I can’t believe you’ve been kicked out. Of course you can stay.”

Yeah, I skewed the truth a little. Figured telling them we ran away might dampen our chances for help. Make us look all rebellious, you know?

Rome’s father Harold nodded in agreement. “Absolutely, Leah. You’re like family, dear.”

I smiled back. This was looking good. At first, when the zebra car owner found us in his car and screamed at us to get out (swinging the world’s most non-threatening zebra handled Swiss army knife at us), I thought heartily about returning to the trailer. I was sure Russell hadn’t discovered me yet, so maybe I’d put the entire night behind. But Carter was unyielding in his decision never to go back, and as we walked for hours in the shopping centre, waiting for the pounding rain outside to stop, my thoughts travelled to Rome and how good his family had been to me.

We were close. When I wasn’t hanging out with Carter, Rome would be there to pick me up in his Jeep and we’d drive to the bar his family owned. At least a night a week we’d dine there and Marlena would be kicking around, talking to me like I wasn’t the trashy girl everyone thought I was. They were quite disconnected with my side of the tracks, though. They lived a little ways away, their multi-generational house – which felt like a mansion to me – was on an acreage while their bar was in the centre of Abbotsford. They were familiar with other people, and while I had a feeling they’d heard about Aunt Cheryl’s activities, I know they didn’t paint a bad picture of me. It was why I was so comfortable with them and had decided to show up here with Carter to ask for a place to stay until we figured out our next step.

Issue was, Carter wasn’t doing a good job selling his likeability. He hadn’t wanted to come here, but tough luck. I didn’t blame them for frowning. He was being broody and quiet. Looking like some bad boy didn’t help matters either.

“I’m sure we can have a room ready for you,” Marlena carried on, staring solely at me. “There’s no rush to leave either. We could certainly use more hands at the bar. We’ll work something out for you.”

Shit, what about Carter? I glanced at Rome and raised my brows at him. He could read my thoughts clear as a bell. He needed to help me out a bit. I could see his reluctance, but I wiggled those brows and motioned to Carter.

He grunted and mumbled, “What about the suite downstairs? It’s a two bedroom and we’ve been looking for some renters. I’m sure Leah and…
Carter
” – scowl –
“could work at the bar and pay off the rent. We could arrange a deal that could work out well for all of us.”

Harold looked a bit disgruntled by this. “Uh, I’m not sure that we’d need another pair of hands, son. I’m sure Leah would be just enough for now.”

Carter tensed beside me and I felt helpless.

“He can sing,” I suddenly said, turning to Harold. “He’s got an amazing voice, one that could bring in a crowd. It might be good for business having him around. That way he can earn some money by bringing in more customers. With a face like his, there’ll be chicks everywhere, I’m sure of it.”

Yeah, I’d thought about this a lot on our way here, ways to give Carter some usefulness. It ultimately led to his singing because I was aware the bar was weak in the entertainment area, and with how big it was, I knew there was potential for something great.

Now Carter’s mouth dropped open. He never sang around anybody but me. I shrugged at him. What was I meant to do? He would need to suck it up.

“You can sing?” Marlena then asked, suddenly looking at him with a new set of lens.

“Like an angel,” I answered for him. “He’s incredible. Honestly. If he had a band, he’d absolutely slay the crowd.”

Now Harold and Marlena were looking at one another, deliberating quietly.

I felt Carter’s foot hitting mine. I looked at him and saw the fire in his eyes. Anger brimmed out of him.

“The hell you doing?” he whisper-hissed at me after he leaned into my ear.

“Saving our asses from homelessness,” I whisper-hissed back. “And you owe me.”

He didn’t reply. He sat back in his chair and turned his scowl at Rome. Rome simply returned the look, and I didn’t really care if they were going to bite each other’s heads off, because ten minutes later Marlena and Harold had made their decision.

“We can use a band,” Harold said thoughtfully. “Our bar started off on live music. We’ve actually advertised for some through the papers, but the people that have showed up were…what word should I use, Marlena?”

“Dreadful,” Marlena said without pause. “Absolutely dreadful.”

“Dreadful is a strong word, hon.”

“It’s the
right
word, Harold.”

“But it’s a little harsh.”

“Truth doesn’t always taste nice,” she snapped back, bitterly.

“Well anyways,” Harold continued, ignoring her pointed glare, “the point is, we could use a band indefinitely.”

“I don’t have a band,” Carter suddenly said. It was the first words he’d spoken to them since being invited inside, and it came out sounding rude.

“That’s an easy fix,” I cut in with a reassuring smile. “We’ll find some guys.”

He stared at me severely, his lips pressing down on one another so hard they went a little white. Rome could be heard snickering across from us, and it took everything in me not to belt him. Be cool, I told myself.

“If we’re going to find some guys, I’d like it to be up to me to decide who gets in then,” Carter explained, and he did it in a way that brooked no argument. “It’ll be
my
band, not anyone else’s.”

“Only because he’s good at running things,” I swiftly added, smiling at the Myers while I did my best to control my own irritation. He was trying to sabotage this, but it wasn’t going to happen.

“As long as you don’t sing about drug abuse and explicit fornication, and it’s not screaming or guttural noises coming out of your lungs, then I can live with all that,” Harold returned just as firmly.

Carter leaned forward, resting his arms on the table. For a moment I admired his bulging biceps, that was until he opened his mouth and said, “When you say
explicit
fornication, am I to presume every
form
of fornication, both the soft and the…
hard
?”

Harold said yes at the same time Marlena said no. They paused in surprise and glanced at one another. My heart nearly leaped out of my chest and my eyes bulged. I laughed weakly. “Don’t worry. He’s a lot more soulful than that. It’ll be light stuff, I promise.”

They were still staring at one another, Harold had a twitchy eye and Marlena was holding tight the pearls around her neck. The awkward meter went up by a thousand, I think.

“Excuse us for a minute,” Marlena then said with a hesitant smile. They stood up and walked to the other side of the room, talking in hushed tones that did little to make me feel like I’d convinced them of Carter. I stared at them from my chair, trying to catch some words while I studied their facial expressions.

“Maybe you should go and vouch for us,” I spoke to Rome.

“It would help if your friend here was a bit more polite,” he replied.

“I have been polite,” argued Carter.

“Oh, I hadn’t noticed between your glares and crappy attitude.”

“You’d notice the difference the second I punched your fucking face in.”

“Carter!” I pinched his arm and leaned into his side. “You do not just threaten to punch the son of parents you need help from!”

“I don’t need help from anybody,” he retorted defensively.

“What’s your problem, man?” Rome hissed with furrowed brows. “You don’t have to be such an asshole. Think of what Leah’s doing for you. She doesn’t have to try so hard for you. Wherever you go, she goes. Think on that. Would you rather a roof over her head, or would you rather her sleeping under some damn bridge ‘til you find some shit job? At least here we’re trusting and we’re good people. You wouldn’t need to worry about her safety.”

For once, Carter went silent. He didn’t say anything, but his face softened instead of tensing like I thought it might. He glanced at me before running a hand through his disheveled hair and sighing heavily.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered to me. “I’m just reacting out of anger. You’ve just forced a job on me, Leah, and I’m not happy about it.”

He was right. I had. I frowned and whispered back, “I’m sorry too. But singing is what you were born to do. You’ll get used to it, Carter. People are going to love you.”

“I don’t care about people loving me. I don’t care about the attention. I don’t want that.”

“Well, as your
best friend
I don’t want you to waste your talent singing by a creek for the rest of your life. You have no idea what you have and it’s time you let the world see it, even if it’s just in a damn bar every night.”

He considered that, and Rome, who’d been watching our exchange, softened too. He leaned over the table and stared evenly at Carter.

“Dude,” he started, “I don’t even remember why I hate you so much, so how about we put our past behind us and just start over? I can play the drums, and if you’re as good as Leah has always went on that you are, I’d be more than happy to be part of a band with you. It’ll give me something to do, and I won’t be too much of an ass to you.”

“You know why we hate each other,” Carter replied, and it made me stare between them with confusion. “But you’re right. I’d rather let the past go. For Leah, anyway.”

I didn’t get the chance to ask what the hell it was I didn’t know about because Rome then turned to me and said, “It’d help if you covered your massive hickey with your hair, by the way. My dad’s a bit of a nut when it comes to shit like that. If he’s seen it, don’t get weird if he starts to have a sex talk with you. He’s fucking crazy, alright?”

My hickey? I stared wide-eyed at Carter’s face and his mouth broke into a cocky grin. “You knew?” I asked in surprise.

“It’s pretty obvious, babe.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“It’s my little trophy. You don’t hide trophies.”

I glared at him and quickly covered the side of my neck with my hair, briefly remembering how hard he’d sucked it last night. I did it just as Rome’s parents returned.

“Well then it’s settled,” Marlena said with a bright smile, staring between Carter and me. “I’ll get everything sorted. You can look around the suite first if you’d like. It’s a little outdated, but there’s plenty of room in there. I’ll get the employment forms printed out and you can have a look through it, and Rome can help Carter with the ads for band members in the meantime. There’s no rush for it, so don’t feel pressured. We might also see what kind of casual jobs you can do around the bar, Carter. Rome will be going to College in the fall, so I might need another set of hands.”

Carter glanced at my hopeful face before he nodded slowly. “Alright. That works for me.”

I took him by the hand and squeezed it. I couldn’t believe he didn’t fuck this up! This was an occasion that needed to be treasured. Not that he was a fuck-up in general or anything, but his mouth landed him in trouble more often than not. He squeezed my hand back giving me a ghost of a smile.

“Thank you,” I mouthed to him.

For that brief moment, I thought I saw something shine out of his eyes as he stared back at me. It was something warm and beautiful. Something I didn’t want to say even to myself in fear of my hopes dashing.

And then just like that it was gone.

*

Things happened quickly after that.

I’d sorted through the lease papers with Carter in our new place. Marlena had given us spare furniture for our suite: an old couch she didn’t use, a couple mattresses, a dresser and kitchen utensils. It was enough to tide us over until we earned more money for new things.