Cannibal Dwarf Detective: An Ephemeral Beardening (8 page)

Jeac struggles up the mountain. Once
at the top, he wipes the sweat off his brow with his now certifiably toxic
beard. As he rests for a moment a flickering fire can be seen dancing from the
back of a tunnel to his left. He walks closer and to the right he can see
stairs dropping off into the darkness of the mountain. They seem to go on for
miles.

Another light can be seen towards the
bottom though. He reckons it must be some sort of beacon fire.

He hugs the wall as he lowers his leg
carefully to the first step. Jeac inadvertently misjudges the distance between
steps and falls head over buttocks down the old hard stone plates. Four hundred
hours pass before he smacks down to the last step and rolls out into the center
of the room.

The dwarf rolls onto his back and
groans in pain. The last beacon resides in front of him and reveals a giant
stone door. Jeac, still spread out on the floor, jerks his head back in a
jerking motion like a jerk and sees hieroglyphics scrawled across the archway.

“Fearless Giant,” he reads on the
carved stone.

He rolls over and reads some more.

“One Thousand Strong.”

Our courageous dwarf jumps to his
feet, waddles over to the enormous stone and simply knocks. Nothing happens at
first but after a few moments a gravelly voice can be heard from the other
side.

“Who’s there?” it asks.

Jeac presses his ear to the door.

“Uh, me,” he says.

“Me who?” asks the voice.

Jeac steps back from the door and
scans over the words again.

“Um. Me… Fearless Giant.”

The doors inch open just enough for
Jeac to come through. His eyes quickly adjust to the dim lighting that shines
around a dark colored dwarf, burly, with scars on his face. His limbs look
heavy and his beard proud, like if you got good grades you’d want to show them
to this beard because it’d be all, “Yeah, kid. You done good. Have a cookie.”

“Hello friend,” the dwarf says. “I am
Ted Lincoln. Who might you be?”

Ted Lincoln’s smile cuts ear to ear
as he shakes Jeac’s meaty-sweaty hands.

“I’m Jeac Fernando, pleased to meet
you.”

Jeac’s eyes move to the city below
and gaze upon its splendor. He’s never seen so many dwarves in one place
before.

Ted Lincoln wraps his arm around
Jeac’s shoulder and guides him to the edge of the steps. He stands tall and
projects his voice out to the people.

“My people, my people, please,
listen!”

Ted Lincoln’s voice is so deep that
it carries throughout the cave and bounces off the walls. He would be a
difficult man to ignore.

“Look who has ventured into our
home.”

All the dwarves turn their eyes
towards Jeac. Most of them look puzzled but listen intently anyways.

           
“Meet your new brother,” Ted Lincoln says. “Jeac Fernando. A true Fearless
Giant, just like the rest of us!”

           
The people cheer for Jeac. Ted Lincoln joins his people and hugs Jeac.

           
“Come brother,” he says. “Follow me.”

           
They make their way down the steps from the entrance and through the excited
crowd. Dwarves all around pat Jeac on the back and welcome him home as he
passes. Ted Lincoln and Jeac walk up a steep hill until they reach a secluded
stone building with a guard (made of twigs and yarn) armed to the teeth,
standing in front of the door. As the man sees Jeac and Ted Lincoln approach he
steps to the side.

           
“Ezekiel, stand guard and make sure no one enters without my say,” Ted Lincoln
commands.

           
Ezekiel nods – actually the wind blows through him and causes him to bob a bit
– and keeps his focus on the city below. Ted Lincoln disappears through the
door and Jeac starts to follow him. He looks back at the city.

           
“Wow.”

Chapter 20

           
Larry and Tony walk down the hallway to Mr. MacDermeoux’s office. The two come
in and shake their boss’s hand before sitting in chairs placed in front of his
colossal desk.

           
“Larry. Tony.”

           
He nods at both of them respectively as he pours himself a drink and gestures
towards his whiskey with his fat hands.

           
“Hm?” he grunts.

           
“No thank you, sir.” Larry speaks for the both of them.

           
“Good. I’ll get right to it then. I’m sure you boys remember what happened in
chapter four? Well, we found out who that dwarf bastard really is. He
humiliated our hot dog guy when he started flailing his penis around. And if
that wasn’t bad enough, later he completely destroyed our guys’ hot dog stand
with a whole pianists’ piano. That’s what I think it was, at least. So in short
he made us look bad and he destroyed our property. This cannot stand. That
bastard is out there right now looking for some mountain I think. He’ll never
find it, but if he does then I’m gonna need you two there and I’m gonna need
you two to kill him. I’m giving you guys the simplest task of shutting him up.
Do this and you’ll both be in.”

           
Larry clears his throat before saying, “Oh, thank you, sir. We won’t disappoint.”

           
“Yeah, Mr. MacDermeoux, you can count on us,” Tony says like a guy who agrees
with other people because he can’t form his own damn opinions.

           
“I hope so. Don’t make me regret this decision, boys. Now, be gone.”

           
Mr. MacDermeoux takes a swig of his whiskey, waves them out the door, and then
turns his leather chair around to look out the window.

           
“Ahem…” Larry coughs and then looks nervously at Tony.

           
“Are you guys still here?” Mr. MacDermeoux asks.

           
“Sir, we have no idea what this guy looks like,” Tony admits to the back of Mr.
MacDermeoux’s chair. “Hard to find a guy what you can’t identify.”

           
Mr. MacDermeoux spins around as he downs the last of his whiskey.

           
“He’s a massive dwarf,” he says. “You’ll be able to spot him easy.”

           
“Miyah! C’mon Larry. Boss is right. Let’s get this shmuck,” says Tony, slapping
Larry on the back in excitement.

           
Larry and Tony follow each other out of the building and get caught in the
doorway. Through much trial and error and many comedic hijinks, they make their
way down to the wastes of Chandaka.

           
“Look Larry! Dwarf tracks!”

           
Tony gets down on all fours.

           
“Arright, Tony! You sniff out those tracks.”

           
Tony runs alongside Jeac’s footprints as Larry follows behind. Two days pass
and Tony loses Jeac’s scent, but they can see the mountains clearly so they
keep on walking.

           
“Hey, I’ve got a great joke,” says Tony. Larry is rolling a silencer onto his
Cobra P8 16mm. “You’ll love it.”

           
“Sure. Lay it on me,” Larry replies.

           
“So… why don’t owls make love in the rain? Because it’s too wet to woo.”

           
Tony busts up laughing and Larry, smirking slightly, chuckles and continues to
prepare his gun.

           
“You’re a real freaking moron, you know that?” he says while holding back his
laughter.

           
After a few more hours of dumb jokes, Larry and Tony get to the entrance of the
mountains. They walk up the stairs with no problem. Their guns raised, they
sneak into the mouth of the mountain and down the winding stairwell.

           
“This sure is creepy, Larry,” says Tony. “I don’t like it.”

           
“Yeah, I haven’t seen nothing like it,” Larry says.

           
Tony and Larry eventually reach the bottom of the massive stair well and come
face to face with the giant stone door.

           
“Son of a bitch, what the hell is this shit?” exclaims Larry.

           
“Relax Larry, let’s just shoot it open.”

           
Tony starts shooting at the stone door but his bullets do no damage. In fact,
the bullets ricochet around the room and Larry has to tackle Tony to the ground
to get him to stop.

           
Larry is lying on Tony, holding his collar and shaking him.

           
“No!” he shouts. “Don’t do that again. You hear me?”

           
Larry dismounts Tony after gazing longingly into his eyes and begins to examine
the strange door. Tony, still lying on the floor, notices blood next to him. He
rolls over and licks the stain furiously.

           
“Dwarf blood!” shouts this gross character that I’ve created.

           
Larry looks back.

           
“What did you say?” he asks.

           
“Yeah, I know that dwarf thing is here. He’s injured, it looks like.”

           
Larry smiles. He is grateful for his companion.

           
“So all we have to do is get through the door,” he says. “I have an idear. Come
here for a second, will ya? Stand over there and when I say so, you’re gonna push.”

           
“Sure thing, Larry,” says Tony.
            The two men
get on either side of the door.

           
“PUSH!” shouts Larry.

           
Tony and Larry push the heavy door open only a few inches. They’ve used all
their strength, but manage to squeeze through to see the dwarven city below.

           
“Holy ball sack,” says a startled Tony.

           
“I agree,” agrees Larry. “Balls. Let’s find this waffle snogger.”

           
The two mobsters, guns raised high, make their way down the steps into the
streets of the city. Loud thumps can be heard in the distance. Roaring.
Cheering.

           
Larry and Tony become awed by the architecture of the city as they walk past
buildings and statues. Finally, they spot a dwarf sweeping dirt away from a patio.
The two mobsters duck into an alleyway while looking out at the dwarf who has
his back turned on them.

           
“That’s him,” Larry says. He pulls the hammer back on his gun and peeks around
the corner.

           
“Are you sure that’s him, Larry?” Tony asks.

           
Tony crouches beside Larry and warily checks his ammo.

           
“It has to be,” Larry responds. “He fits the profile. You know… Short. But I
suppose we could just ask the guy to be sure.”

           
“Ha-ha, great idea, Larry. He’ll never see it coming.”

           
The two goons slide back around the corner. Larry, with one hand on Tony’s
shoulder, and his gun at his side calls out to the dwarf.

           
“Hey, shmuck!”

           
The dwarf stops sweeping and turns towards them in confusion.

           
“Now what do you two beautiful cupcakes want?” the dwarf asks. “You’re supposed
to be in the coliseum!”

           
“Did you hear that Larry? We’re baked goods.”

           
Tony giggles a bit but maintains his composure.

           
“Yeah, this bastard is real clever,” Larry says. “Think you’re untouchable, do
yah?”

           
Larry comes around from behind Tony and reveals his gun to the dwarf. The
sweeping dwarf puts up his hands and freezes.

           
“We know what happened in chapter four and it is time you paid for what you did
to our hot dog guy.”

           
Tony, walking slowly behind the scared dwarf, starts making elephant noises for
some reason. The dwarf finally clears his throat and shakes his head.

           
“This is a big misunderstanding!” he says. “I have no idea what happened in
chapter four. No one does! Please. You’re making a big mistake.”

           
The dwarf falls to his knees. Tony smacks him in the back of the head with the
butt of his gun and then steps to the side just as Larry props his long barrel
up against the pleading mans’ forehead. He splatters his brain into the dust
and knocks over his broom.

           
“Well that was easy enough. Let’s get the hell out of here.”

           
Tony puts his gun away and grabs the dwarfs’ legs. Larry puts his gun away and
then alertly stops.

           
“Do you hear that?”

           
The big door at the back of the city is opening and the cheers are magnifying.

           
“Quick!”

           
The two goons grab the dwarf and tip-toe with the body back to the alleyway.
They throw the dead weight down and then re-draw their weapons. Then they throw
the pens and poorly drawn drawings of their weapons into a bin and pull out
their guns.

           
“Shit. I got brain on me.” Tony swats at the chunks on his jacket in disgust.

           
“Shut your mouth, you moron.” Larry peers around the corner as his grip
tightens around his Cobra and he sees an entire pack of ravaging dwarves
stampeding from the coliseum in all directions.

           
“What’s happening?”

           
Tony tries to look but Larry pins him against the wall.

           
“Here’s the deal,” Larry says. “Those dwarves are hungry so we have to make a
break for the door. Back up the stairs. Kill anyone that tries to stop us, ya
hear?”

           
Tony’s eyes show how terrified he is, but he agrees to the plan and holds his
pistol tight. Larry looks back around the corner to see if it’s clear. A bunch
of dwarves have found the bloodstain on the ground and look furious.

           
One of the dwarves points to the open door at the top of the stairs and they
see little droplets of blood leading into the alleyway where Larry and Tony are
hiding.

           
“We have to go now, Tony.”

           
Without another word they take off around the corner. They make it up a few
steps and turn to unload their guns towards the dwarves who are chasing them.
Larry gets tackled. The dwarves tear at his flesh and gnaw at his bones. He
accidentally shoots himself in the face. Tony screams and continues up the
steps, but is stopped and eaten alive by the swarm.

           
Jeac, looking out the window, sees two men run up the steps and fire round
after round into the crowd. In seconds his new family has consumed them.

           
“What the hell is happening down there?” he asks Ted Lincoln.

           
Ted Lincoln reclines in an old wooden chair.

           
“Hell if I know,” he says. “Join me, would you?”

           
Ted Lincoln gestures towards another chair by the fire.

           
“Smoke this,” he says. “We have much to discuss.”

           
Ted Lincoln offers Jeac a pipe filled with tobacco and Jeac willingly accepts
it. He lights himself up and starts puffing away.