Caged Heart (8 page)

"Oh...hi mom."

Linda didn't reply and walked in past her, as she stared down the apartment. It was judgment time.

"So this is where y'all lived together?" Linda snorted with her thick Caribbean accent.

"Yeah...umm..."

"You see? We told y'all. Tony went and got himself killed and for what? A stupid television show!"

"Mommy please, not right now. If you came to rub it in my face, I get it. Y'all are all gonna blame me."

"You children have no respect for yuh elders. You think we all stupid and don't know better than y'all. Just disrespectful! All uh y'all!"

"Mommy please I know... I'm sorry. If I knew he would be..."

"Don't you know how yuh auntie's feelin' right now? She can't even talk! She don't eat, she don't sleep!" Linda said with a distasteful look.

Selene couldn't hold back her tears. She had known all this would eventually come, but not so soon. Not when her poor cousin had only been gone for two days. She didn't have any reliable friends and she didn't feel comfortable turning to her family. It was their habit to be intolerable. At that moment she wished that she could have taken Tony's place.

It was true that she encouraged him. Between the two of them, she felt that he had a much more promising future. She hadn't been the gorgeous or popular one; that was Tony. He had all the charisma and confidence. In Selene's eyes, there was no comparison. He had a positive and rewarding life, while she could barely maintain her own.

"Well I want to know what yuh gonna do now!"

Selene didn't answer.

"The funerals next week Friday, so I guess we'll see you there. What you doing now? Where you workin'? You gon' be able to afford this place without Tony's help?"

"Mommy not now, ok? Sorry but I feel sick." and she did.

She was feeling nauseous and faint again.

"Alright, well... I'll call yuh before the funeral."

Selene walked her out and there were no goodbyes or kind words from her mother.

"Bye Mom." she said as she closed the front door.

Tears were still streaming down her face and all she wanted was Dorian. Besides Tony, he was the only positive person she ever got close to. She had avoided his last two calls because she didn't know what to say to him. He had done his best to make her feel better but to no avail.

His kind words were drowned in a sea of angry and hurtful messages from her aunts and mother. She didn't hear much from her siblings or cousins. They probably also supported Tony, however backlash and anger from the family was something they would want to avoid at this time. She didn't blame them because everyone knew what to expect from her mother and aunts. Her phone began ringing and she already knew who it was. Dorian.

"Hello?"

"Hey babe. Are you okay?"

"No Dorian, I'm not... I'm just tired. Everyone's getting on my case and I just want to be alone right now."

"Selene I know how you feel but you don't have to go through this alone. I miss you so much. I wish I was with you right now."

She couldn't answer him because she was sobbing and her words wouldn't come out. She wanted him there with her, but she felt like she didn't deserve anyone's sympathy.

"Baby, I'm here... if you want me to leave you alone I will...but... I miss you so much. I know we haven't spent that much time together but I couldn't stop thinking about you since we first met. I know it's my fault and I'm sorry. If I had been there..."

"
Dorian, stop, it's not your fault... I miss you too... and I want to be with you but all this is really difficult for me. I have to take responsibility for my actions... and my mom..."

"Your actions?"

"I encouraged Tony to be a fighter. If I hadn't done that, he would probably be alive today."

"Selene... you aren't to blame for any of this!"

"I don't think that's true... I have to go...um I don't feel so good. Can I talk to you later?"

"Babe... well alright... if you need me... I'm here. Don't push me away okay? Please Selene?"

"I'm sorry Dorian, I just need to get myself together and I'm honestly not feeling good."

"Well alright, I'll call you in a few hours okay?"

"Okay, I'm sorry."

"
Lene don't say sorry... I'm here for you. I'll talk to you later. Just be careful ok? If you need something, anything... just call me."

"Ok... I... bye Dorian."

"Bye Lene."

Selene rushed to the bathroom to throw up. She wanted to die. Dorian was the only thing keeping her afloat and even that was barely working now. She didn't know how she would manage the next few weeks. She was becoming best friends with the bottle again because it was the only thing that could keep her calm.

All her troubles were a dream when she drank. She would be whisked away into fantasies of a better life where she wouldn't have to deal with depression. Even if it lasted temporarily, she thought it would keep her together for a while.

***

Dorian hadn't been with her physically since their night together but he gave his all to make sure that she was alright. Even though he was now in Vegas, he called her every time he got a moment to himself. He also took care of all the funeral arrangements, as well as dealing with the media. This tragedy had attracted lots of attention and everyone wanted to know why and how it happened. It was revealed that Volchev was irate about his loss.

His jealousy of Dorian was evident and he spent the next few days after the fight, drinking heavily and rampaging all over the city. He came across Tony at a nightclub and began insulting both he and Dorian. Tony was known for being a tough guy, but he chose to ignore Volchev and his entourage, who were also present.

The "Russian Bear" hated being ignored and flew into a rage when Tony began laughing at him. He flung a bottle of vodka at Tony, which broke into pieces at his feet. Tony was not going to let that go. The two got into a huge brawl. Volchev subdued Tony and smashed his face into the broken glass on the club floor.

The huge shards of glass pierced Tony's cheek and neck, causing him to bleed out. His carotid artery and internal jugular vein were severed and Tony died within the next few minutes on the floor. The police apprehended Volchev and another of his men who was seen kicking Tony in the sides, even while he lay motionless on the floor. Everyone was stricken with grief and confusion. Tony had been a very popular fighter and great things were expected of him. His fans had especially been looking forward to his upcoming fight.

It was to take place a month after Dorian's fight, but no one would ever get to see it now. Dorian managed to be strong during this whole ordeal and planned a memorial for him. Everything was taken care of so that Selene and her family wouldn't be burdened. Selene was more than grateful and knew she couldn't have gone through any of this without him. She would have to put on a brave face for the days ahead. Her struggles were just about to begin.

The crystalline shards from the broken bottles formed a tiny sparkling mountain in the base of her sink as she discarded their poisonous contents. Selene broke every bottle of wine and vodka in storage in the kitchen sink. She did this out of anger and frustration, as well as for the more underlying reason.  She was having a fight against her destructive self. No one knew of the pain she had gone through in the past…except for Tony. He had seen her inner demons and accepted her still. 

Selene was a bit of an alcoholic. Anytime she felt stressed out or anxious, the alcohol would temporarily take the pain away. The root of all this was from the way she was treated by her mother while growing up. She was made to feel ashamed of everything she was; dark-skinned and over-weight.          

The hierarchy of her family were all light-skinned and slender, while the down trodden usually were the
dark-skinned other half. She hated herself because of the skin she was born into. She was made to feel like a reject by almost everyone, even her own mother. Tony was the only one who embraced her, despite her so called shortcomings.

Still, that tiny bit of support was never enough to quell the pain. However, Dorian had changed everything and before Tony’s death she began to have more confidence in herself. Now everything had gone to hell and she was slowly falling apart. She forced herself to rid the apartment of all the liquor in storage, even though she craved another drink. She had to think of Dorian…and the baby.

She was too sick to attend the funeral and only one of her cousins showed up to check on her. Isha was worried and knew that something was completely amiss when Selene was absent. Isha wouldn’t terrorize her like the rest of the family and even though she was one of the favored women in her family, she felt pity for Selene. If it were not for the distance between their home states, they probably would have been very close. She found Selene in a horrible state when she entered the apartment. She was all alone and crying.

“Selene, are you okay?”

“I’m pregnant Isha… I don’t know what to do. I feel really sick and I can’t talk to anyone else about this. I don’t know what Dorian will say… I was on the pill but I don’t know why it didn’t work.”

“Whoa, whoa wait… you’re talking about Dorian? He got you pregnant?” Isha said in the most surprised tone.

“Don’t tell my mom please… I can’t deal with anyone else coming over here to yell at me.” Selene pleaded.

“Are you sure you’re pregnant?”

“Yea… I’ve been throwing up a lot and I thought it was because of Tony… but I took a test and I found out last night.”

“It’s just one thing after another huh? Don’t worry Lene you’ll be alright. I’m here.”

“What’s with all the broken glass in the sink?”

“I got rid of all the alcohol when I found out… I…need to stop!”

“Yea babe…  I know how Auntie treated you led you to all this but it needs to end… and not only because you’re pregnant. That shit’s never been good for you.”

Isha did all she could to help her feel better but to no avail. The person Selene really wanted was Dorian. It’s not that she didn’t appreciate Isha’s help. She wanted to get everything over with and tell him that she was pregnant. However, she didn’t feel ready to face him yet and ignored his calls. For the meantime Isha stayed with her but she eventually had to fly back home. She couldn’t be someone that Selene could rely on to be there all the time.

Selene remained indoors and didn’t go out at all. She didn’t know if she would ever come out of this slump. She avoided anyone who rang her doorbell for the whole week. She was afraid that her mother would come around again, ready to criticize her. Isha still called to check up on her, while also trying to get her to face her fears. Selene knew that she couldn’t run away forever but she wasn’t prepared to be so brave.

Early one morning she heard knocking at the door. The visitor wouldn’t quit and she began to get irritated. She expected it to be her mother and was ready to be rude to her for the first time in her life. When she opened the door it wasn’t her mother at all. Instead, a gentleman in his late 40’s was standing there. Something about his face seemed familiar and she thought that he might be one Tony’s coaches. She waited as he introduced himself.

“Hi… Uh I’m not sure if I have the wrong apartment but I’m looking for a Selene?”

“Yes, that’s me. Can I help you?”

“Oh, good. I’m sorry for the intrusion but I really wanted to talk to you. It’s about Dorian. Can I come in?”

“Yea, sure.” and she led him to the living room.

“I’m sorry to trouble you at such a difficult time. I was really sad to hear about Tony’s death. I’m Domino Jaidon and I don’t want to waste your time, so I’ll cut to the chase. You see Dorian’s been very depressed over everything that happened. From what I’ve heard, you’ve been avoiding him and he‘s in a very bad place right now. Trust me I don’t go around trying to find all his romantic interests to give them a pep talk…but when he spoke about you, something seemed different.”

“I’m sorry sir. I just don’t know what to do right now. I do care about him. A lot…it’s just that…”

“Then talk to him Selene. He’s lonely. I think he might be in love with you. I know my son and he has never been like this with any of his exes.”

“I think Tony’s death is just very difficult for him… for all of us. I wouldn’t consider that as him being in love with me.” she replied doubtfully.

“Well you may be right but I know my son well enough and he seems to care about you more than any of the women he’s introduced me to. Can’t you just talk to him? There’s only so much I can say to him. You seem to hold all the power.”

“I don’t assume to have any power over him at all. I’m just really messed up and there are some things that I have to think about.”

“Well…just consider meeting with him, please. He doesn’t talk much anymore and I want to say something to cheer him up but I can’t get through to him.”

The man seemed kind enough and she felt that she could tell him what was going on with her. She had no one to confide in and Isha was already gone.

“Mr. Jaidon, Tony’s death isn’t the only thing bothering me. I… I’m pregnant. By your son.” and she waited expecting to hear harsh words from the old man.

“Well…I can’t say that’s all bad news.” he chuckled.

Selene didn’t respond, partially because she felt shame.

“Are you going to keep the baby?”

“I…I want to but I don’t know what Dorian will say… I’m not in the best circumstances right now and worst case scenario I might end up having to …well you know.” she said sadly.

“I don’t think you have anything to worry about honey. My son’s a good man. I’m sure if you just take the time to talk to him, he’ll take care of everything. He’s my only son and I’ve always wanted to be a grand-dad. I thought he would never find someone but I just might be wrong.” he smiled.

She smiled at Domino and tears began to fall from her eyes. She hadn’t expected him to be sympathetic. Even Isha had seemed offended by the idea of her being impregnated by Dorian.

“I… I’m sorry things ended up this way. If I had known all this would happen I would’ve been more careful.”

“Listen honey, I believe everything happens for a reason. Ultimately it’s your choice…but I’m telling you, Dorian won’t be upset at you. Don’t cry honey, you’ll be alright.”

She wanted to believe him.

“Tell you what. I’ll give you my card and if you need anything just call me. It seems like you don’t have anyone to talk to at the moment. You can call me, alright?”

“Ok.” she mumbled between her sobbing.

“Just promise me that you’ll give him a call. He’s really worried about you.”

“Can you not say anything about me being pregnant to him yet…I want to be the one to tell him.”

“Sure honey and don’t worry so much. He’s been going down to the boxing center everyday now for the past week. If you wanna talk to him in person, you’ll find him there.” he said kindly.

Selene thanked him for coming and promised to see Dorian as soon as possible. She got herself together and began to clean up. By the time she composed herself, it was late but she decided to go down there anyway. She threw on a pair of jeans and made her way to the boxing center where Tony and Dorian used to train together. The place would probably be empty and she didn’t want Dorian to come over for fear that he might see evidence of her drinking episodes.

She was still experiencing tiny waves of nausea but she had to get this done. It was almost like the fear had given her some kind of resolve. She planned to simply break the news to him and leave right away. Either way she was going to do it tonight.

***

As she made her way down the hallway of the building, she could hear the echoing sounds of a strong fist hitting a punching bag. She knew it was Dorian and her heart melted as she walked closer to the ring. She almost wept as feelings of love and loneliness swept over her. Selene knew that she’d already fallen for Dorian. As much as she wanted to deny it, she loved him.

Was his father right about him not being angry with her? She didn’t know and wanted to run back home. Her feet kept moving regardless and carried her to the center of the dimly lit room.

Dorian
’s back was turned to her and she could smell the heat and musky sweat emanating from his skin. His body glistened under the stage and his taut muscles became more defined as he punched blow after blow onto the misshapen sand bag.

“Dorian?” she said quietly, not really wanting to get his attention.

The harsh sounds of his fists coming down on the punching bag made her flinch. She began to think that she should be that punching bag and didn’t deserve his kindness. She was almost ready to turn around but he quickly looked in her direction.

“Selene?”

She forced a smile as he blinked harder under the glaring light. It seemed that he didn’t believe his eyes and he stood there for a moment, frozen.

“Hi.”

“Oh my God! Baby!” and he jumped over the stage and ran to her.

He embraced her tightly, as if he had gone years without seeing her. She took a deep breath as all her emotions began to overflow. She didn’t realize how much she had missed him and how good it felt to be embraced. She was so alone and now being in his arms, she felt joy as well as sadness.

She couldn’t contain her tears because she knew that all this might be short lived. Never had anyone embraced her like this. Not even her mother had ever held her like that. It was a foreign feeling. To feel wanted, secure and loved. Her arms were rigid and at her sides as he hugged her but she slowly embraced him in return. His hard body burned with heat but the feel of him comforted her. She wished that he would never, ever let her go.

“Baby, I missed you so much.” he whispered as he still embraced her.

“I missed you too… and I’m sorry. About everything.” she said as she withdrew from his embrace.

“Don’t say sorry Lene. You don’t know how happy I am that you’re here babe. God I missed you! I know you probably blame me for Tony’s death and...”

“Dorian…no. I don’t blame you. It’s just that I have a lot going on and you’ve done so much for me already.”

“Selene I did it because you mean a lot to me. I would do anything for you babe.” he said sympathetically.

“I...I need to tell you something …and please, please don’t be too mad at me. I uh…If I have to I’ll take care of it but I…I wanna get this over with. I’m pregnant.”

He scanned her face as if trying to legitimize what she just said.

“Are you sure?” he asked with a blank face.