Authors: Jennifer Labelle
***
Red, gold, brown, and yellow leaves fell around them. The sun was shining, but the slight breeze made the day cool. The beautiful trees swayed with the wind, making rustling noises as Mother Nature readied for the upcoming winter months. Holly loved autumn. She took a deep breath and watched it mist in the air while she sat with Tiana in the sandbox. The baby she’d tried to keep busy laughed as their sand castle fell over. Tiana began to fill up her bucket to make another one before getting distracted by a few other toddlers playing nearby.
“You want to go say hi, baby?”
Tiana shook her head. “Sing?”
Holly smiled at her while she packed up her sand toys and wiped the sand off her butt. Tiana took her hand, and they walked to the baby swing she’d pointed at. “You got it, monkey. Let’s go.”
Two little feet flew up toward the bright blue sky as Holly pushed her and listened to the sound of little giggles of joy. Her heart filled with warmth at the knowledge that doing something so simple could feel so great.
One day I can look forward to the day that I can share this kind of fun with my own children. When I’m ready in the distant future, a long, long time from now.
She bit her lip, and some of that weight she held fell away with self-pity.
Losing that baby still hurts, and I will not put myself through that again anytime soon or worry about what ifs. Like what if I have children someday and something happens to me? I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving them or having anyone else important leaving me like my mother.
“Unc Ex, Unc Ex.”
Tiana’s squeal of excitement startled her, and her morbid thoughts went to the back burner again when Zander approached. “Hi.”
Okay, did that come out too breathless? Dork!
She mentally slapped herself on the forehead and gave him a timid smile.
“Hey yourself.” He winked at her and lifted his niece out of the swing and high in the air before hugging her close. “I was walking by, and my day got a little brighter as I looked over and saw two of my favorite girls over here.”
Her heart melted a little more with his words, and she was back to her happy place. “This little munchkin didn’t give Jess much sleep last night, so I offered to give her a break for a bit.” She ruffled Tiana’s hair and held her arms out. “Are you done with the swing, honey?”
“Yep.” The little girl nodded and wiggled out of his arms. She ran back to her sand toys again.
“Care to join us? We’re making princess castles over here.” Holly held on to his hand as he draped an arm around her and joined them for some quality time. Time really does fly when you’re having fun, because before they knew it the sun had begun to dim and Jess came looking for them to retrieve her baby girl.
“Thanks for keeping us company.” Holly laced her fingers through Zander’s and held his hand. “It was fun.”
“I agree. My niece can be a handful, but she’s growing way too fast, so I enjoy our time when she’s around.” He shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal.
“You’re incredible.” She shook her head. “I don’t want you to get a big head over this or anything, but sometimes I wonder if this is too good to be true.” She pointed back and forth between them. “You’re really sweet, but why me? I mean, you can do so much better.”
“You’re kidding, right?” Zander chuckled but quickly sobered once he apparently realized she was being serious. “Why not you? We’re good together. I like you, we have fun, and we’ve been through so much already.”
“I like you too.” Her heart beat faster and swelled again. “Good answer, by the way.” She went to her tippy-toes and leaned forward to plant a kiss on his lips. “Thank you.”
He moaned and wrapped his arms around her to bring her as close as possible. They were pressed breast to chest as he wound one hand inside her hair and gave it a little tug to the side to move her head for better access. Their tongues met for a brief taste before he nipped her bottom lip and sucked on it to sooth the sting. They both stood in the middle of the sidewalk, still forehead to forehead, embracing and breathless. He gave her a couple more pecks on the lips. “So tell me, did I pass?”
“Pass what?” Holly scrunched her brow in confusion.
“The test. My answer, the kiss…”
“Were you telling the truth?” She leaned back but didn’t want to let him go, so she held on. His gaze held hers and he nodded. “Well, then you aced it, honey. How about we go somewhere a little more private and I’ll give you your much-deserved reward?”
“Hell yeah.” He dragged her in the direction of his house and kept up the fast pace as he looked back at her quickly. “I think my mother’s out for a bit, and we both know Tiana is at home, so there won’t be any interruptions this time.”
“Hmm, sounds like heaven.” She laughed as he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. This was one department where they had unbelievable chemistry, and she really looked forward to reliving it over and over again.
***
“Psst, baby, wake up.”
“Aw, Mom, do I have to?” she whined and tried to roll over.
“Yes, please, we have to hurry.” Holly jumped up at the tremble in her mother’s voice. It was still dark but for the small nightlight at the corner of her room.
“What happened to your face?” Her whine turned into a cry and she reached out to touch the swelling on Emma’s right cheek, but her mother turned away before she had the chance.
“Doesn’t matter right now. Just please get dressed and hurry. I’m going to go check on Chrystal. You’ve got two minutes before we leave.”
Holly shook as she got dressed in record time and met her mother and sister in the living room. “Won’t he get mad?”
Emma shrugged and looked toward the bathroom door where their dad was showering. “I don’t really care right now. We just have to be gone before he gets out. Come on.”
The door flew open, and Holly took one last look at the messed-up living room. The phone had been ripped out of the wall, the coffee table was broken in pieces on the floor again, and she felt queasy while they flew down the stairs and ran down the street as far away as they could on foot.
How could they have slept through that? It must have been loud and he’d hurt her again. She wanted to throw up. “Where are we going?”
“Somewhere we can lay low for a couple days. Come on…”
***
“Holly? What are you doing? Wait a minute, stop. You can’t go out there…”
The distance sound of her name being called made her pause. “Holly, wake up!”
Clap.
She jumped and cringed away to protect herself. Her shaking hands covered her face as she trembled.
“What are you doing?” Lauren knelt down on the hallway floor and rubbed her back.
“I—I don’t know. Where am I?”
“At home in the hallway. It’s the middle of the night and I heard you. You got dressed really quickly and cried out. You hurried to the door and threw it open before I caught it and stopped you. Where were you going?” She helped her stand and grabbed a glass of water for her while Holly sat at the dining room table still in a daze.
“I was going with my mom.” Holly cleared her throat and blushed. “I guess it was just a dream, huh? I didn’t realize—”
“You sleepwalk?” Lauren squeezed her hand and held on until the trembling subsided. “It’s okay, hon. You’re safe. I’ll make sure of it. I’ll sleep on the couch for tonight to make sure there are no other escapes into the night.”
“Thanks.” Holly finished her glass and rose to put it in the sink. “I guess I’ll try to turn in again.” She nodded and had a hard time maintaining eye contact. It was another vulnerable moment, and she didn’t want to show any sign of weakness until she was alone. So after going to the bathroom, settling in her room, and getting undressed again, she threw the covers over her head and cried herself into a dreamless stupor.
***
Dear Mom,
I had this really freaky dream last night. It was a recall of one of the many times we left Christian for a day or two when he got out of control. Boy, did that ever feel so real.
Sometimes I just wish I could start over or at the very least remember only the good times, but it seems I’m haunted with various images. Flashbacks. I don’t know why it’s all coming back to me suddenly. Like there isn’t enough on my mind.
I don’t want to go back, so why can’t my mind seem to let go?
Anyway, I sleepwalked and almost left the house in the middle of the night. It was kind of scary because who knows where I would have gone or what would’ve happened. It’s been a while since it happened at least, and this time felt just as embarrassing as the time I sleepwalked when I was seven. You remember. You and Dad had a couple people over, and I peed on the kitchen floor, thinking it was the bathroom. I woke up when all was said and done, disoriented and afraid, to dad screaming at me, and you were there to clean me up and tuck me back in.
Ugh!
Looking back, I suppose I can laugh it off, but this time not so much. You felt so real, like you were still with me, and I was vulnerable again. I wanted you to be here with me. I always will. In fact, I miss you so much I ache with it, and I wonder if there’ll ever be a time when I’m whole again. I hate that feeling.
I know I have to move on eventually, and I’m working on it, I swear, but this I can promise you no matter what. Even though there will always be the horrific images implanted in my mind, and a constant void in my heart and soul where you will always belong, I’ll forever try to make you proud of me. Of the woman I hope to become.
I’ll love you and miss you always.
XOXO
Your daughter,
Holly
“Tomorrow is moving day!” Jace cheered. “Are you excited or what?”
“I guess.” Holly shrugged. “It won’t seem real until I’m actually in there, you know? I just hope Lauren got me the truck she promised to book.”
“I’m sure she will.” Jace stood and grabbed his jacket from the peg on the wall in his office. “How about we celebrate?”
“Okey dokey. Where are we going?” Holly stood and threw her bag across her shoulder.
“McDonalds?”
“What is it with you and Rotten Ronny’s?” She was curious. “No other school official takes their students to lunch.”
“Well one, while technically I work within the school, I’m a social worker, and I work at many places at various times. Two…” He ticked the points off on his fingers as he spoke. “You’re taking a big step and I’m proud of your progress, so I thought you’d like to be treated. And third and most important, my wife doesn’t like when I eat unhealthy, so it gives me an excuse to get my Big Mac fix.” He chuckled, then shook his head. “But if it makes you uncomfortable, we can stick around here. Just know I’m not giving you any special treatment. I’m this way with all of my kids.”
“Not uncomfortable, just curious.” Holly bent to grab her jacket and walked toward him when he opened the door. She liked his easy demeanor and his laid-back approach.
“Rotten Ronny’s?” He looked slightly amused, and she stifled her own laugh on the way out.
***
The restaurant was busy with the lunch rush when they arrived, but luckily it was mostly fellow students who grabbed their food on the go, so a few tables were free. Jace managed to get a booth by a window in the corner and began stuffing his face. “So tell me—” He wiped his hands on a napkin. “What else is new?”
“What do you want to know?”
“Anything and everything you think you might be able to share. I know you’re ready for the move. We’ve discussed that. I’d like to think Lauren’s come around or she wouldn’t be helping out like she is. How are Chrystal and Christian? Have you heard from either? Maybe you’d like to talk about your social life and who you’ve met since Jules left. I don’t know, Hol, you tell me.”
“Okay.” She picked at her fries. “We’ll start with my social life since that isn’t really bothering me currently. I have other friends besides Jules. I miss her, but I still hang out with Nadia, and I’ve got a couple people from school I’ve been out with too. Okay, so I might not be Miss Popular like I used to be, but I get along pretty well, and I like it that way. It’s less people to care about or get into my business.” She sighed and looked out the window. “I won’t have to worry about anyone making me look like a freak, or at least looking at me like I am one. Do you even realize how many so-called friends ditched me because of what happened? I lost my mother, for fuck’s sake. I didn’t catch something contagious.”
“They obviously weren’t the people you thought they were, and I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
Oh hell, no. Is that pity in his eyes? I don’t do pity.
“Well, that’s life right?” She tried to brush it off. “Please don’t look at me like that. I don’t need you feeling sorry for me here.”
“Well good, because we both know how strong you are. Go on.” He took another big bite of the Big Mac and waited.
“Anyway, I also have Zander. He’s Jess’s brother-in-law and extremely sweet. I’m just trying to get used to the niceness. I’ve never met someone as caring as he is.” She laughed without humor. “It’s a work in progress, like everything else, but he likes me and I really like him too. We’ve been together a few months, and it’s fun when I’m with him. He brings light to my darkness, and although it’s kind of a weird feeling, it’s also refreshing. So we’ll see where it goes. I’m taking life one day at a time now on this roller-coaster ride from hell. As for Chrystal, we’re still in contact, though not as much as I’d like to be, and Christian, well he’s been pretty quiet, so that’s a good thing. But who knows? He might be still in jail or on another bender. So see? I pointed out a few positives.” She ate a fry with vigor and felt smug.
“You did.” He smiled, “It’s not so bad, is it?”
“We’ll see. Now if I can get past the dreams, the sleepwalking, the images, and the loss, I’d be golden.”
“Nobody ever said it would be easy, Holly, but you’re stepping in the right direction. Life is tough, and some have it harder than others. One day at a time is all anyone can really ask, and you’re doing your best, kid. We can all see that.”
“Thanks.” It was going to be one long road to paradise, if it even existed in her world. But it would be worth it in the end if it meant making her mother proud like she’d promised. It was just icing on the cake to see everyone who ever doubted her eat their words too, because she planned to show them all.
***
The sky was a clear blue with big, fluffy white clouds, and it would have been a fantastic day if not for the rotten news. Holly sat by the windowsill of her soon-to-be former bedroom at Lauren’s and leaned the side of her head against the windowpane while she looked up, wondering what in the hell she was supposed to do now.
Somebody screwed up big-time. I said I’d be out today, and damn it I will be, no matter how long it takes. Goes to show you should never count on anyone but yourself, Hol. Get to work already.
There was a mix-up at U-Haul or something, and a truck wouldn’t be available until tomorrow, so with much disappointment she’d called Zander and her friends to let them know the moving plans were cancelled. Staring at the stacked boxes hadn’t helped, either. Even though it was a fluke, she still felt as though she was proving Lauren right by not leaving when she wanted to, and that was not going to fly. “Screw this!”
She got up, grabbed her jacket, opened the door to her room, and marched down the hallway with determination. With a plan brewing, she called for Lauren while she put on her shoes. “Do you mind if I borrow Tiana’s wagon for a few hours? I promise to have it back before dark.”
“As long as we get it back, I don’t see a problem. Where are you going?” Lauren leaned against the wall in the hallway, looked at Holly expectantly, and threw the rag she was using to dry the dishes across her shoulder.
“I figured I’d move a few boxes over to the new apartment with it. It’ll be slow going, and I’ll have to make quite a few trips, but it’s better than sitting around doing nothing, right?” Holly straightened, ready to get on with it. “Desperate times call for desperate measures and all that.”
“You can’t be serious.” Lauren sounded shocked. “That’s just nuts. Look, if you’re worried about not having anywhere to go, don’t. You can stay here with us another night.”
“It’s not that. I said I’d be out today, and I planned on keeping my word. I might not make it, but I have to try. The least I can do is start, and hey, you never know. I could still be out by nightfall and come back for whatever I missed bright and early.” Holly shrugged. She wasn’t taking many big things with her except for a few items, like her TV and antique cedar chest. She would get the rest of the furniture later when Zander’s father took her shopping with a small portion of her trust fund money, thanks to her Aunt Karen, the acting trustee, approving it.
“If you say so.” Lauren still seemed disbelieving, which made Holly want to laugh. If anything, she always made good on her word if she could help it.
“Well, you never know. I am pretty stubborn. I’m not too proud to admit it.”
“You certainly are. Have fun, then.”
***
The wagon was a double-seater, so she was able to fit a couple good-sized boxes inside at a time. She was tired after two trips, and Lauren finally took her seriously and maybe even felt a little sorry for her when she called Zander herself and told him what Holly was up to.
“What are you doing?”
She’d been loading the wagon for her third trip when he startled her. “Moving a few things. What does it look like?”
“It looks like exactly what it is. But I’m wondering why you didn’t tell me there’d been a change in plans. I had to hear it from Lauren. I have a car, Hol. You know that, so why haven’t you called?”
She hunched her shoulders in defeat and blew a strand of hair from her face. “I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking of the car. I was thinking I needed to keep busy. I said I’d be out today, and I want to be. Call it stubborn pride.”
He closed the distance between them and instantly wrapped his arms around her. She leaned against him and placed her ear to his chest to snuggle. The sound of his heartbeat was soothing, and it reminded her of how tired she felt. “Have you stopped by to rescue me again?”
“Is that what I do?” He chuckled. “You sure know how to make a guy feel good.”
“It is, and I’m glad. You make me feel pretty good too, by the way, so it’s the least I can do,” she replied and puckered her lips to give him a quick kiss.
He kissed her back a few more times and then gave her a slight tap on her butt to get moving. “Well, the car is here and I’m at your service. Point me in the direction of those left-over boxes and we’ll get as much as we can done. With the trunk and the backseat, we should have enough room for quite a few.”
“My hero.” She fluttered her lashes, and he roared with laughter at her lame attempt to sound like a Southern belle. It was a great sound.
***
After two trips on the bus where complete strangers had to help her on and off with that stupid wagon of boxes, she and Zander finished moving the rest in one more trip.
“I’ll have to remember to give Lauren a big thank-you before I go. What took me forever, you did in no time.”
For every one box Holly carried, he was able to grab three.
“Speaking of.” He dropped the last of the load beside him and looked at her. “What are your plans for tonight?”
“I’m not sure. What do you have in mind?”
“I was kind of hoping you could maybe spend the night with me.” He folded his arms and leaned against the wall, looking delectable.
“Hmm.” She smirked. “Your place or mine?”
“Well, since you don’t have a bed here yet, I was thinking mine. So will you?”
“It sounds like a good plan to me.” She stood in front of him and interlaced their fingers before kissing him again. “I really don’t care where we end up tonight.” Butterflies danced in her belly, and she really looked forward to waking up by his side.
Freedom was sweet. She no longer had to feel like a third-wheel charity case everyone had to take care of. Nor did she feel like a football being tossed from house to house anymore. She was in charge in this brave new world, and she finally had a place in her life where she felt at home again. A place to start over.
“Good.” He walked her backward into her new bedroom and stopped right in front of her suitcases. “Let’s pack what you need in a small bag and hit the road. You can call Lauren later to let her know when we’ll get the rest of it.” He stood back and let go of her hands, and she giggled when he grabbed her butt again as soon as she bent over to get started. Her crummy day turned out to be a pretty good one in the end, and they were just getting started.
***
Zander
“Here, allow me.” The wind flew through her straight, long hair. As Holly struggled to tuck the strands behind her ears to get it out of her face, Zander moved behind her to help out. She inhaled deeply and then exhaled before leaning against him, his front to her back. She looked extremely content on his back porch, and he enjoyed the rare sight of it on her. He liked seeing her reaction when he could bring a little peace into her life.
She was a very complex woman with a lot to overcome, and a little stubborn at times. But despite the tough exterior and attitude she sometimes displayed to protect her emotions, he could also see the strength, determination, and the need to be loved and cared for in her eyes.
To think he’d nearly given up on them in the beginning when she’d been adamant about her no-relationship status. But the time they’d spent together as friends seemed to sway them both into so much more.
Then there was the accident and the baby, and he knew like a punch to the gut that he needed her just as much as she needed him. They’d been through so much together in such a short time, her even more so, and he admired her strength and devotion to those she cared for. He counted himself blessed that he was among them and liked that she wasn’t afraid to let him know it. His life was good for the most part, and he felt privileged to have grown up in a loving home with two caring, devoted parents. Holly wasn’t so lucky. She’d seen and done more than most at her age.
Something about her drew him in. He was man enough to admit that her body was the first thing that had caught his attention. Big tits and a nice ass were part of the perks, and he was always a sucker for a great rack, but now it was the whole damn package. She kept him on his toes and didn’t expect much, so there was no pressure, and he liked her a whole hell of a lot, despite her annoying reluctance to commit sometimes. It only made him want to support her even more and try to give her a little slice of the good life he knew she deserved. He was a decent enough guy, after all, but she had a long road to recovery, and he was willing to go as slow as she needed to get her there.