Authors: E.J. McCay
I leave Kettlefish and walk to the hotel.
After my little culinary display at the grocery store, I’d been arrested and then released to my own devices. My first chore when I got out was getting to my old house before my daddy got released from the hospital. The last thing in this world I wanted right now was to be face to face with him again.
My feet knew which way to go so my brain played on autopilot. Hands in my pockets, head down, doing my best to be as invisible as possible again. So far I was batting zero and hoping my average was looking up when, of course, I run into Jenny Walman.
Crap.
I look up at the sky again. Really, Papa?
“Hi, Lillian!” she says so brightly I think she bleeds neon. “How are you doing?”
“I’m…” I say and scratch my head. What am I supposed to say? I suck it up and just spit out, “Okay.” Okay?
“Well, I know things aren’t great right now, but the church is having a potluck tomorrow night if you want to come. I’m sure Pastor Jeffrey would just love to see you. I know you and his son, Bo, were really good friends in high school.”
“We’re the same age, Jenny.”
She bats my arm and laughs. “I know that, silly.”
“I’ve gotta get going so…”
Jenny bounces on the balls of her feet and claps her hands together. “Just say you’ll come, okay? It’ll be fun. Like when we was in high school. You, me, Bo, Uriah, Jimmy, Misty, and the whole gang from youth group.”
I’m standing right here, God, just go ahead and kill me. Instead of actually saying it out loud like I’d like to, I politely smile. “Okay, I’ll be there. Is it still at six?”
“If it weren’t for the potluck, it would be, but it’s gonna be at five. Okay?” Jenny grins so wide her wisdom teeth peek at me.
“Five? I’ll see you then.”
Now I’ve got dinner with Uriah tonight, and a potluck tomorrow. Whoo. One hundred eighty-two days on the wall, pass one around, one hundred eighty-one days on the wall. I start to hang my head again and stop. Maybe if I look straight ahead my luck will turn around.
I continue to the hotel and pass by the front desk to my first floor room. The hotel smells like dirt, cotton and chlorine. The indoor pool must be so clean it squeaks. My eyes burn a little and I blink a few times as I push my key into the doorknob. Inside the room, I mill around gathering up my things, stuffing it into my two suitcases.
Once my things are packed, I look around the room. I know myself well enough I know I need to go. Now. So, I snag the handles on my bags, pull the door open, and briskly walk to the front desk where I slap the key down.
Some woman I’ve never met comes waddling out of the back room and gives me a smile. The lipstick she’s wearing must taste pretty good cause it’s smeared all over her front teeth. “Is that all, honey?”
“Yep, just put it on the card.”
“Okay, sweets,” she says.
The cabin I’m renting isn’t all that far from the hotel. The sky has clouded over again and I look down at my watch. I’ve got five hours before I’m supposed to meet Uriah. It’s plenty of time to walk to the cabin, unpack, and scream into the void until my voice is hoarse.
My only wish is that the road was paved the whole way to the cabin. Dragging two suitcases with tiny wheels on wet dirt is a workout I wasn’t planning on. If there was a decent place to buy clothes in town I’d have tossed them and taken my chances. I also begin wishing my car wasn’t impounded. Who ever looking at me would think flight risk? Flight risk, really?
After pulling and tugging what seemed like forever, I finally get to the cabin and then tug and pull some more as I climb the steps. At least this place isn’t making my eyes burn. It still smells like cotton and dirt, though.
Mrs. Thompson’s daughter left the place unlocked and the keys lying on the counter in the kitchen. I stand in the doorway, looking the place over. “Home, sweet home,” I say to no one. I can see a bedroom from the door and I trudge over to it. When I’d asked about the place I hadn’t even bothered to check to see how many rooms. Why should I care? I’m a party of one. As long as it has a bedroom and indoor plumbing I don’t care.
Come to find out, it has two bedrooms. Maybe I’ll make friends while I’m here, I think to myself then bust out laughing.
I spend the next couple of hours putting my things away. No point in living out of a suitcase if I’m going to be here a while. When I’m done, I walk out onto the back deck. The woods butt up to the house and all I can see for miles are trees. I can hear a stream somewhere, too.
The railing is a bit rickety, but when I shake it, it seems to hold. I turn around, lean back on it, and take a deep breath. The rain has made everything damp, and it feels clean out here. As I stand there, I can feel claws working on my insides.
I hurt.
I hurt like the devil.
I love my daddy, and the last time I saw him, he was a bloody mess on the floor.
The sob that escapes my throat shocks me to the core and my knees hit the deck. My hand slips off the rail and I’m lying in a ball, wrecked.
This town.
My daddy.
Memories hiding in the shadows of my mind trying to claw their way out.
How is Papa supposed to set me free when I don’t even know what I need to be freed from?
My chest hurts, the water on the deck is soaking through my jeans and t-shirt. It’s April, and chilly. I force myself up and my shoes scrape the floor as I walk to the bathroom for a hot shower. As I strip off my clothes, I turn the knob on the water and make sure it’s set to extra boiling.
The water rolls down my face, and I turn my back to the water, letting it cascade down my spine. Any other time, I’d be screaming because of the temperature, but right now, at this moment, any cooler and it’d be too cold.
I know it’s coming time to meet Uriah, but I just can’t pull myself from underneath the water. After I lather up my hair and body, I rinse, and stand there until the water has a cool hint to it. When I get out, I rub the fog off the mirror and look at myself. My eyes don’t look too puffy, but I can see the redness in them. Maybe it’ll be gone before I meet Uriah, or maybe he just won’t see it.
My walk back into town to Tish’s Tacos
is a lot less adventurous than my previous walk in town. I guess whatever gossip was being spread has been applied liberally enough they don’t need to delve into hushed whispers as I walk through town anymore.
The smell hits me in the face as I walk in the door, and my stomach growls like a dragon guarding its nest. Uriah has already gotten us a table and he waves me down. I sheepishly wave back as I walk to the table.
His smile is big and toothy and perfect. Just like in high school. “Hey, Uriah.” I manage to croak out.
“Hey, Lills, I got you a soda. Is that okay?”
“That’s good.” I take a long drag on the straw and the bubbles tickle my throat, making me cough.
Uriah laughs and all I can think about is caramel and popcorn and gooey messes. He leans back in the seat and his big green eyes sparkle. My heart does a little dance. Oh, Papa, have mercy on me. This time, I’m earnestly praying.
“So,” he says, “do I need to frisk ya or you gonna behave?”
The question hits me like a dart and I nearly drop my glass. “I have had my fill of body cavity searches. I’m on the straight and narrow from this point forward. I’m not looking for any trouble.”
He leans forward on his arms and smiles again. This time, the way he looks at me, I nearly choke on air. “Well, Lills, what are you looking for?”
“Uriah Pendleton. What is up with you? Don’t you remember me asking you to the homecoming dance? You said no, remember?”
“I said no because I had already said yes to someone else. It was girl’s choice and I’d waited until the last possible moment for you to ask me.”
I open and close my mouth a couple of time before my brain solidifies again. “You mean if I’d asked you sooner you would have actually said yes?”
“Lillian James, I have crushed on you since we were in the third grade. Don’t tell me you didn’t know. I know you did. I saw the way you batted your lashes at me and flirted.”
“I didn’t bat nothin’. Flirtin’? You mean offering you something to drink when you were working on the church’s yard or painting our house that one summer? Or hanging out during youth group?”
“Well, yeah.”
“It was water. On a hot day. And, youth group was…youth group. That’s not flirtin’.”
“Well, I did wait for you to ask me to the dance.”
“I didn’t know that.”
Uriah looked at me like my pants were about to be engulfed in flames. “I told Misty and Jenny to tell you.”
“Jenny would do what Misty told her to do and Misty has hated me since before I was born. She’s evil.”
He throws his head back and laughs. When he looks at me again, his smile touches every inch of my mind. “I’ve missed you so much, Lills. We used to hang out all the time when we were kids.”
“In youth group.”
“Yeah, but we hung out. A lot. Youth Group met at least once a week and in the summer we had stuff going on almost every weekend. You’ve always made me laugh. A girl with a mind is a beautiful thing.”
Uriah Pendleton is sitting in Tish’s Tacos, smiling at me, and trying to put his caramel all over my popcorn. What in the world? Not that I don’t like caramel, but I’d spent the last fifteen some years thinking I had a crush on him and it wasn’t even close to mutual. Like he said, I’m a girl with a mind and I feel like I’ve just had a jet fly over my head.
“I had no idea,” I barely whisper.
“Well, now you do.”
My stomach growls again and I blush.
“Let’s get something to eat. You have any preferences?”
I shake my head because…words. Words seem to be far, far away.
He leaves the table, and when he returns he’s carrying enough tacos to feed an entire church. The food smells so good my mouth waters. “Here, let me get you another soda.” He picks up my glass, smiles, and walks to the drink station.
I’m dazed. This must be a dream. When I’d planned my weekend at home, I’d just been coming back to see daddy because I hadn’t seen him since I left for college. Yeah, we’d kept in touch. By phone. He’d begged me to come home the last time I talked to him. I tried to say no, but the more I resisted the more he begged. Finally, I just broke down and said I’d come to town.
When Uriah returns, he sets the glass in front of me and sits down. “What are you thinking about, Lills?”
“Uh, nothing.” I smile.
He narrows his eyes at me. “That didn’t look like a nothing face.”
I take a drink of my soda.
“Come on, talk to me. We used to be close.”
“Past tense, Uriah. I’ve been gone a long time. I haven’t talked to anyone in this town but Bo since I left after high school.”
Uriah unwraps a taco and takes a giant bite. It gives my brain time to adjust if that’s possible. I realize when he stops chewing, it’s not possible. I feel overwhelmingly unprepared for tonight.
“All right, since we haven’t talked in a while, tell me what’s been going on with you,” he says.
I take a deep breath and shrug as I open a taco. “Well, I went to a tiny little college down south after high school. Then I moved to Austin and worked for a small computer software company for a while. About four years ago, I started my own small company.”
Uriah’s eyebrows shoot up. “Whooo. Look at you, miss thing. Owning your own company. Are they okay with you being here for a while?”
“I called my clients after it all happened. Told them kinda what was going on. Didn’t really mention details, but they know I’ll be here a while.”
He smiles this smile that makes his eyes crease in the corners, and his lips look all kissable. I try not to stare, but it’s really hard. Uriah Pendleton. Oh, Papa, what are you doing?
“So, just out of the military? Not reenlisting?”
Uriah shakes his head. “Nah, I’ve done fifteen. Five more and I could retire, but it’s just not in me. It’s time I get out and try civilian life. I’d planned to come see you in Austin, but imagine my surprise when I ran into you today.”
Again, I feel like I’ve been hit with a dart. “You were coming to see me?”
“Well, yeah, I’ve never stopped thinking about you. I’d ask Mom about you when I called, but she wouldn’t have anything to tell. When I’d talk to Bo he seemed kinda dodgy. So, I figured the best way to find out what you’ve been up to was to come see you.”
“Bo was dodgy?”
“Yeah, Bo was dodgy. I’d ask him questions, but he’d seem all upset I was asking about you.”
“Huh. I don’t know why.”
“Cause he’s sweet on you. He’s been sweet on you. For a smart girl, you sure don’t know about men, do ya?”
I sigh. “Uriah, that is the understatement of the century.”
He laughs again. Head back, throaty laugh. Uriah is still the same guy I knew in high school, only he’s got big arms, a buzz cut growing out, and a confidence he didn’t possess when I knew him back when. “Lills, I know you aren’t here under great circumstances, but I’m glad I ran into you. You going to the potluck tomorrow night?”
“Jenny roped me into going.”
“What, you don’t go to church anymore?”
I kinda wither under Uriah’s intense gaze. Church wasn’t something I liked anymore. I don’t know when or why I stopped, but the thought of going tomorrow night made me ache in ways I don’t understand. “I stopped going a long time ago. You mean to tell me you still go?”
“Yeah, I go. Well, I don’t just go. In the Army, I was a Chaplain.”
It’s my night for surprises. “You?”
“Yeah, me, Lillian James. I will pick you up tomorrow, okay.”
“Uriah, I can walk.”
“I’m sure you can, but I’m picking you up.”
“Are you sure you want to be seen with me? I mean, we both know how mouths run in this town.”
“Let ’em run. I don’t care.” He winks at me.