Broken Hearts Damaged Goods (3 page)

“Why should we feel like rejects when we know we’re
worthy of love”, he finally said, interrupting my babbling.

I did my best to smile and nod.  I was too close to
being on the verge of tears to say much more.

He then took my hand and looked me in the eyes.  “We
can be each other’s cocoon.”

“What?”

“We can be each other’s cocoon.  We’ve both been
hurt by love, but if we use each other to get over all of our previous baggage,
we can emerge from this as beautiful butterflies capable of truly loving that
person that is worthy of us.”

I couldn’t believe that he was asking me to use him
and made it sound kind of fun and romantic.

“So we’re just going to use each other?”

“Look, we’re both going through a hard time right
now.  If we don’t use each other to get over the heartache, we’re just going to
end up hurting somebody else or end up hurting ourselves even more.  But if we
help each other through this, we can get through this without having to make
somebody else pay for the crimes that were committed against us today.”

He then went on to explain that we would put on the
appearance of a couple, but we would be friends helping each other knowing that
the relationship wasn’t going to go anywhere.  We would be satisfying each
other’s physical and emotional needs, whether it was a make out session or
holding each other in bed.

We were going to be each other’s cocoon, where we
could be ourselves and learn to love again.  We were going to take our broken
hearts and all of the baggage that we have collected over the years and become
whole again.

For once I was going to use a guy, and he was going
to use me.  And it wasn’t going to be cheap and meaningless.  We were both
going into it knowing what it was.  He wasn’t going to be another regret.

And I didn’t regret last night.  There was a part of
me that wanted to have sex with him, but it was more out of a feeling of
revenge to get back at Steve.  Jack apologized saying that he wasn’t ready for
that yet.  He was still too much in love with Brittany.  And I was okay with
that because he held me in a way that Steve never did and listened to
everything that I had to say.  I think it was the first time I have ever had a
serious conversation with a guy in bed.

I’m not sure now what all we talked about.  I know
we talked about previous relationships.  I told him about some of the guys that
I have been with.  He never made me feel cheap.  He just continued to hold me
and listen to me.  He was interested in me and everything that I had to say.

And I felt good about myself for the first time
since I started dating.

I don’t know how long we talked, or when I finally
fell asleep.  I just know that I fell asleep in his arms... and that I was
surprised to wake up this morning finding him looking out the window.  He
seemed lost in thought.

I got out of bed and put my arms around him and
asked if he was okay.

“Yeah, the reality of yesterday just came back to
me.  And the world doesn’t seem to have taken notice.  Look at how the sun is
shining and the birds are singing.  Nature is saying everything is fine and
that it’s a beautiful day.”

I took my arms from around his waist and moved them
up to his chest and just held his shoulders and neck closer to my face so that
I could whisper in his ear that things will get better.

He acknowledged this even if he didn’t really
believe it and then said, “God, your ring is cold.”

It was then that I noticed that I was still wearing
his ring on my finger.

“Do you want it back?”

His torment then returned before he finally said,
“No, I don’t want a physical reminder.  If you give it back to me, I will just
carry it in my pocket and obsess over it and everything that was and could have
been.  Anyway, I like it on you.  It seems to compliment you somehow.”

It is a beautiful ring.  I hate to wear it just
because I know that it was never meant for me.  And I feel like my wearing it
hurts him.  He seems to go through different moods.  I noticed that today about
him.  Sometimes he is distant and lost in thought, but he will never tell me
what he is thinking about.  He just turns it back to me and what I want to do
or talk about.

As much as I have enjoyed spending the night and the
day with him, there is a part of him that makes me feel really sorry for him. 
He won’t talk about what is bothering him.  I’m fine with him not talking about
it.  I’m just glad that I can be there for him, even it is by just holding him
and being there for him when he is ready to talk.

Maybe he will open up more to me tonight when we are
in bed.

By

Jack
Webber

I
was going to kill myself today.  I’m not sure what
the reason was, or even if I want to tell you anyway.  I know that you probably
don’t care, even if I explained the problem, so I will just tell you how I
failed.  That should make you happy since you like to believe that I’m a
failure.

First I prayed to God to just take me.  I thought
this was fail proof.  Plus it’s quick, easy, and painless.  You drop dead, and
that’s that.  But even God didn’t want me.  That’s how unlovable I am. 

So I got in my car and decided that I was going to
run a red light and hit another car on purpose.  I was sure that I could do
this.  I was prepared to do this, except that every time I changed the station
I heard “How to Save a Life”.  I couldn’t kill myself to a song that is about
suicide.  It would make my death too commercialized. 

Plus, I started to think that I really did love my
car and didn’t want anything to happen to it.  And I thought that taking out
somebody else might make me like a suicide bomber.  I didn’t want people to
think that I was a radical atheist or anything, so I started to find other ways
to kill myself.

The problem was that I have a fear of sharp objects,
so that took out razor blades, swords, and knives.

I was going to hang myself, but I thought that I
would rather have people say that I was hung and not hanged.  Plus if I came
back as a ghost, I didn’t want a ghost noose around my neck for the rest of my
life.

I was going to use a gun, but I’ve never fired a
gun.  If you don’t shoot yourself just right, you can end up being a vegetable. 
I didn’t want to chance that and have people feel sorry for me.

I was going to overdose on something I found in the
medicine cabinet, but I have a hard time swallowing pills and didn’t think that
Pepto Bismal would kill me.

I was going to jump off a bridge, but then I thought
that the water was probably polluted.  Plus I don’t like to be in cold water. 
And I enjoy hot tubs too much to ever want to drown myself in one.

And as I went through the list of every way to kill
myself, I found that they didn’t suit me.  If I’m going to die, I’m going to
make sure that it fits my personality. 

I know that you think this is an excuse and that the
real reason I didn’t kill myself was because I’m a coward and couldn’t do it. 
You might even think I found a reason to live, which I didn’t.

I just decided that the best way for me to kill
myself was by getting old.  I figured it’s the greatest act of defiance I could
do that would piss you off the most.

By

Jack
Webber

––––––––

Bitch

Slut

Whore

Skank

Tramp

Best
Friend Fucker

Slut
Ass Bitch Whore

Skank
Ass Bitch

Tramp
Bitch Whore

Skanky
Slut Bitch Ass Whore

Trampy
Slut Hoe Bag Skank Bitch Whore

Best
Friend Fucking Skanky Ass Hoe Bag Tramp Whore Slut

Love
of my Life

S
ept. 12, 2010

Jack spent the night again last night.  Actually, he
spent all day with me.  He’s kind of moving in.  I discussed it today with
Megan.  I told her the entire story of how Steve cheated on me with Jack’s
girlfriend.  He can’t very well go back to his apartment.

I don’t think Megan liked the idea of him moving in,
but he’s not going to be any trouble.  He’s just going to be sleeping in my
bed. And I’ll be taking care of him and everything.  He even promised to put
the toilet seat down when he uses the bathroom.  I mean, it shouldn’t be any
different than if I had a boyfriend that slept over every night.

She said, “You’re asking a guy that you barely know
to sleep with you every night, and you’re treating him like you just got a
puppy.”

She thinks this is going to end badly because I have
a habit of falling in love with guys that I share my bed with. 

“What’s he going to do when you two break up?”  

For my best friend, she sounded an awful lot like my
mother. The only logical thing to say to that is, “He’s going to float away and
be a beautiful butterfly.”

I don’t think Megan knew how to take that.  I then
explained to her that Jack and I are going to be each other’s cocoon.  We’re
going to use each other to get over the heartache, and then when we are ready,
we’ll just float away and be ready to love again.

She thinks I’m crazy.  I think this is the best
thing to ever happen to me.  I can finally break my cycle of dating guys that I
shouldn’t.  I’ve needed romantic rehab for a long time now.  I tried to explain
this to Megan, but I think I just came off as a little slutty.

Anyway, I think this whole rehab thing will work. 
Jack is used to long term relationships.  I’m used to more flings with the
occasional relationship label attached to it.  We are perfect for helping each
other.  He can let me know what it is like to be in a true relationship, and I
can help him with some of the less committed aspects of a relationship.  Then
when we go our separate ways, we can know what to look for in our next
relationship.

He’s getting some of his clothes to keep over here. 
It’s kind of a provisional thing until I can prove to Megan that he’s not going
to be any trouble.  And he had to go through a lot of trouble to get his own
stuff.  He had to call Steve and make sure that he wasn’t going to be over at
the apartment first.  I think Steve actually left just so Jack could come over
and get everything.

I’m kind of curious whether he will see stuff
belonging to Brittany when he is over there.  I know that Steve and Brittany
broke it off last weekend, but that was before I broke up with him.  Now that
he is officially single, I would think that he would call her up.

Not that it matters.  Jack and I are going to dinner
and a movie tonight as soon as he gets back from getting his stuff from his
apartment.

I know that there’s going to come a day when Jack
and Steve are going to have to face each other.  There’s probably going to be a
fight.  Part of me wants Jack to just go over and beat Steve up now.  I think
he would, but his feeling of loss over Brittany far outweighs his anger at
Steve.  It’s too bad I’m not a guy.  My anger is greater than my feeling of
loss.  I would totally kick my former best friend’s ass for sleeping with my
girlfriend

I know I shouldn’t be angry.  Getting cheated on
allowed me to just walk away from a failing relationship without having any
guilt.  For once I can say that I’m not to blame for a relationship ending. 
Although, if I had been different or acted differently, would he have cheated
on me?

By

Jack
Webber

––––––––

I
t should have been simple enough. All I was doing
was going to my apartment to pick up a few things.

The place was empty when I entered.  It was haunted
by memories of a happier time when I was still ignorant of the facts, but it
was still empty of human life.  I can deal with the torture of the memories. 
In a way, I have been thriving on them.  They at least remind me that
everything I knew was once real.  It’s the physical manifestations of ghosts
from my past that I fear.

I knew that my time was limited, but I enjoyed being
there too much to even begin to think about leaving.  I looked at the pictures
of us as a couple.  They were important enough to her that she framed them and
gave them to me as a gift.

The pictures help to prove that I’m not crazy.

I should have left once I knew that I couldn’t
resist the desire to dwell on the pictures.  As much as it hurt, I enjoyed it
too much.  I wanted the torture to go on, and soon found myself laying on my
bed and looking at the last picture of us as a couple.

Her smell still lingered on the pillow, and I didn’t
want to leave her, even after she had left me.

I don’t know how long I stayed there in my own
private purgatory.  I only know that I saw her apparition staring at me from the
hallway.  She was speechless, but I could tell that she thought I was some sort
of pathetic creature.

I didn’t care what she thought.  She still looked
beautiful to me.  I would have given anything to be with her at that moment.  I
was taken from purgatory with a glimpse of heaven before being thrust into the
pits of hell.

As I approached her, she ran away crying.

There was a time I could hold her and tell her that
everything was going to be okay, and she would believe me.  Now the sight of me
caused her a pain that she wouldn’t let me take away.

I left her in the kitchen...

And left the picture of us on the pillow.

Leaving me with only my memories.

Sept. 13, 2010

I had a wonderful time with Jack last night.  He’s
just a lot of fun to hang out.  He’s easy to talk to, and he actually listens
to you.  He acts more like how I would want my boyfriend to act than any guy
I’ve actually ever dated.

I could tell that something was bothering him.  He
came back from getting his clothes without bringing any back.  I tried to get
him to talk about what happened, but he just said that we had better get dinner
if we were to catch the movie on time.

We made chit chat over dinner.  Then I said, “You
know, if I’m going to be your cocoon, you’re going to have to open up to me.”

“You can be my cocoon later tonight when I won’t
have to worry about crying in public.”

He said it with such grace and dignity that I
couldn’t tell if he was making a joke or not.  There was even a slight smile on
his face as he casually returned to his veal parmesan and slurped in a string
of spaghetti.

I’ve noticed this quality about him.  He can make
some of the darkest things extremely funny.  It’s like he enjoys suffering just
so he can make fun of it.  I think that is why he won’t let me give him back
his ring.

I’ve tried to give it back to him several times, but
he just gives me a line like, “It looks better on you”, or, “I would take it
back, but it clashes with all of my outfits.”

As much as he says that he doesn’t want it, I see
him looking at it sometimes.  He just gets lost in thought.  He did that at
dinner tonight.  I didn’t know what to do, so I just put my hand over the ring.

He looked at me and smiled.  “You’re fine.  You
don’t have to cover it up.  I want that ring to be seen.  I bought it to be
shown off.”

“What happened over at your apartment?”

Without missing a beat and without losing his smile,
he said, “Brittany kind of walked in on me while I was staring longingly at the
last picture of us as a couple and sniffing the pillow that she slept on.  She
ran into the kitchen crying.  I would have tried to comfort her, but the only
thing I could think of was, ‘What?  It’s not like I was beating off to a
picture of you.’  I figured that was somehow inappropriate at that moment and
left.”

I knew that I shouldn’t have laughed, but I couldn’t
help it.  I decided not to try to discuss what was wrong with him again over
dinner.

After dinner, we went to the movies.  The theater
was full of couples and groups of high schoolers.  Jack turned to me and said,
“Do you want to act like a couple, or would you rather just make fun of the
other couples?”

So he put his arm around me while we made fun of the
kids in high school and how they didn’t really know anything about love or
relationships.

It hasn’t been that long since I was in high school,
but I know that how I love and what I expect from a relationship has changed
drastically.  I was even surprised to find out that Brittany wasn’t Jack’s
first girlfriend.  He had dated a few other girls in high school.  Brittany was
just his first serious actual relationship.

I asked him what made her different that he knew she
wasn’t a typical high school romance.  He said, “She didn’t make me feel like a
horny teenage boy.  I was more interested in getting to know her and spending
quality time with her instead of trying to see how far I could get with her.”

As I look over my previous relationships, I don’t
think I have ever dated a guy that has felt that way about me.  I don’t know if
it was me or the guys that I’ve dated.  I would like to think that it was the
guys.  Maybe they never grew up past the horny teenage boy syndrome.  Maybe I
never gave them the chance to love me as anything deeper.

I look at Brittany.  I don’t see anything special
about her.  I mean, she’s cute and all, but there is nothing that makes her so
special that somebody like Jack should just make her the center of his world.

There has to be more to love than everything I have
read or seen in the movies.  I don’t know how some couples last so long and
never seem to grow tired of each other.

Jack wonders why Brittany cheated on him and never
told him that something was wrong with their relationship.  He always thought
they were happy together.  He said that is what hurts the most right now.

I told him that I tried to save my relationship with
Steve, but I just couldn’t.  Sometimes you just have to take comfort in the
fact that it wasn’t you.  As much as you loved the other person, you can’t do
everything in a relationship.

I like sleeping with Jack.  We just lie in bed and
have deep conversations.  He holds me and makes me feel like I have worth.  I
know that we are just each other’s cocoon, but I feel safe with him and am glad
that I have gotten to know him better.

I don’t know if he feels the same way or not.  I
think he is glad to have me around because he feels so alone right now.  He is
more willing to listen than to talk, although he did talk more last night.  He
talked about Brittany and how he felt about seeing her at the apartment.

I asked him what he thought about Steve.  He said
that he wasn’t that angry at him.  He just didn’t want to see him.  He said
that he doesn’t blame either of them for what happened.  He thinks that there
must have been something wrong with him to cause his best friend and his
girlfriend of four years to cheat on him.

I don’t see how there could be anything wrong with
him.  He’s not to blame.  I think if he would actually talk to Steve and
Brittany, he would see that.  I know that he doesn’t want to talk to them.  But
they were such a large part of his life that I think he has to talk to them at
some point.

Right now he is feeling like an outcast.  His
friends haven’t really taken a side.  They just don’t want to deal with all of
the drama.  Jack seems to want to think his way through all of this.  He says
he can’t do that with his other friends since they knew about the affair and
didn’t tell him.  He doesn’t seem to be mad at them.  He says that he probably
would have done the same thing if he had been in their position.  He said that
guys have a certain code of conduct that forbids them from revealing such
things to their friends.

This is one of the things I like about talking to
Jack.  He tells me how guys think.  He explains their inner workings for me. 
He’s the first guy I have ever found that has done this.

It’s funny.  He will talk about himself in the third
person and actually make fun of himself and everything that he is going
through.  It’s like he is analyzing himself and not really dealing with his
feelings.

I asked him about this because I found it curious. 
He said that guys don’t talk about their feelings.  He said that if I asked him
right now what he was feeling, he wouldn’t know what to say.  He doesn’t know
what he is feeling because it’s a mixture of different things.  Guys can’t
handle that.  They can only deal with simple emotions like happy, sad,
depressed, nervous, etc.  The emotions have to be clear.  Any time the emotions
get mixed, the guy can’t sort it out and deal with it.

He said that is why guys solve their differences
with violence.  If you’re angry with somebody, you start a fight with them. 
Once you’ve gotten in a few good hits on the person and dealt with your anger,
you can be totally fine with the guy.  He said that is what is probably going
to happen with him and Steve.  He’s just more concerned about the loss of
Brittany.

I asked him to make sure to hit him hard for me.  He
then said, “You see, that’s the difference between guys and girls.  Guys use
violence to solve their problems.  Women use violence to get revenge.”

I didn’t really understand the difference, so he
explained, “You want to hurt him because you feel he has it coming, but you
will never consider the hurt he’s done to you paid off.  When Steve and I
finally fight, it will be as two men dealing with the unspoken things between
us.  And regardless of who wins the fight, I will walk away with an apology and
a hand shake.  We will have to rebuild the friendship, but there will be no
grudge or fear of retaliation after that fight.”

“So if he beats you up?”

“It doesn’t matter.  He can break my nose, and I can
come back to you, his ex-girlfriend, and have you take care of me.  It’s not
going to matter.  Everything between us would be good.”

“So what’s stopping you from just asking him to
fight you now?”

“You just don’t call somebody out to fight.  We’re
not in the old west or seventeenth century France.  You have to let your anger
flare, so you can let it all out during the actual fight.  You can’t do that if
you challenge the person to a duel.  It has to be an expected random act of
violence that just erupts naturally.”

I laugh a lot with Jack, but I don’t know why.  What
he says is very serious in nature, but he is so honest and straight forward
with it that it is kind of humorous.  I think making me laugh makes him happy. 

He doesn’t make fun of me or anything that I tell
him, though.  He just listens to me and asks me questions that make me think
about what I’m feeling and why.  I don’t think he means to do this.  I think he
is curious why I think and do the things I do.